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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage
Fiance goes to visit son alone with ex at her house. Me and my daughters and our son are not aloud. When he goes to see him he wont answer his phone or call me. Only text. I mean after he has been there for awhile, when its time to pick him up. He usually takes car himself but if I need the car I drop him off and pick him up. He makes me wait around even if I have important plans such as dropping my daughter off to dads. He knows how upset. the whole thing makes me feel. How me and kids are left out of the picture. I feel awful that I have done a lot for that little boy. Got to know him 4 yrs. He has a baby brother who loves him and cant see him 2 step daughters that miss him. He has leukemia and its been little over month it could be a yr before we see him. I have been very supportive. Just think my Fiance could show some care knowing how his ex is making his son think that none of us are important to him. I feel stupid when he makes me wait in driveway and don't answer his phone. We send our love like buying gifts writing notes. We ask Fiance to let him know what we have to say. But we don't know for sure if he gives him messages. He never says anything back. Fiance don't offer to call us when were not there. Went to pick up Fiance yesterday and he didn't come out, didn't answer his phone, I was late, so I went to the door. He was sitting on the couch with his ex ??? He makes me feel worse instead of better?? think I could also. Use a little support from him. Whats going on?his ex recently got married 2 months ago and he works a lot. Should I be worried? Should I still be supportive? Should I put my foot down? I'm confused.
by on Oct. 10, 2012 at 1:28 PM
Replies (21-30):
jmjdj
by Bronze Member on Oct. 10, 2012 at 4:54 PM


Quoting bellebear:

Quoting jmjdj:


sorry about your child and thankyou for the advise. I understand what your telling me. I have say again that I do not hurrying him or txt him at all unless I'm waiting. I never call unless he has texted me. Also I don't agree with allowing your partner to console the ex and get consoled by the ex!! That is what I'm here for. She got married and that's what her husband. Is for. As a loving mother of 3 children and a lot of moms out there can. Definitely imagine how scary and heartbreaking it is for your child to be sick. I'm very supportive of him. I would never take that away from him and actually I always help him find the extra time for him to spend with him just in case god forbid anything did happen. My only concern was if I sit back and keep doing what I'm doing and have him do what he wants, never speak up to him about my feelings and concerns and then we all get hurt because I didn't open eyes and be worried about them being alone instead I was being supportive. He is a very difficult peeing to figure out sometimes!! He don't express his feelings very well and he don't listen well either. Again I'm sorry about what you went through and thankyou

Thank you!  My son will ultimately be ok...just with modifications and a different "normal" than the rest of us. 

I understand where you are coming from about ex's consoling each other.  My ex and I have a terrible relationship (he cheated and brings the girl - I'll use the nicest word I can here - to the hospital, etc.)  But, my SO and his ex have a good relationship.  If I weren't with him and learned that some exes can be friendly with each other I would totally say something different.  I've just learned because of my SO that it is possible to console each other about a child without it being anything else.  They chose not to be together anymore and he chose me.  Sometimes I have to put myself in check if I start to get butt-hurt because I think they've talked too much or something.  I have to remember that they didn't end on bad terms like my ex and I did...and they choose to both be good parents which requires them to talk to each other.  It is always only about their daughter though and I have no concerns about them "getting together" or anything like that.  But...in the end...we are women and human.  We often let our minds or imaginations get the best of us.

I would suggest a good, non-threatening conversation between the two of you where you can tell him how you feel and find out how he feels as well.  Another poster may have said use "I" statements...a good starter is "when you do (insert whatever behavior here) it makes me feel (insert how you feel here).  For example, "when you don't come out when you say you will and leave us waiting, it makes me feel as if I am unimportant to you."  As hard as it is, try not to make accusatory statements because he will clam up or get defensive.  Most men are not good communicators on the best of terms...add in a diagnosis like this and he sure won't be. 

I teach a class where we do this activity and throw fuzzy balls across a circle.  We start with one ball and everyone has to remember who threw it to them and who they throw it to.  Each time we do it, I add another ball until eventually there are 6 balls being thrown around.  On the last round, I throw in a rubber chicken (literally).  When that happens the balls are getting dropped and thrown all over the place because the rubber chicken takes over since nobody is expecting it.  The lesson at the end of the exercise is that we are all juggling a lot of "balls" in our lives - work, school, kids, practices, dinner, money, family, etc.  For the most part we do a pretty good job of balancing it all...but sometimes life throws you a rubber chicken - a death, divorce, illness, car accident, etc.  When that happens we tend to drop a ball, but inevitably someone picks it up and helps us out.  This is part of an anger management class so we go on to discuss how some people we deal with may have a rubber chicken that we don't know about and are more irritable or more easily angered. 

I tell you this story just to caution you to tread lightly where he is concerned.  You have all been dealt a "rubber chicken" but your fiance more than anyone.  It's not surprising that he is dropping the ball where you and your blended family are concerned.  And, he may be more easily angered right now because of what he's dealing with.

Sorry this is so long.  I hope things work out in the best possible way for you.

3xangel
by Bronze Member on Oct. 10, 2012 at 6:58 PM
How long has the child had leukemia?

Your post made it seem as if this has always been an issue even before the child became sick.

Either way, your "fiance" shouldn't ignore you and your kids and act like you all do not exist. It's wrong and makes it look like he's up to no good.
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LovelyBugs
by on Oct. 10, 2012 at 7:03 PM

he may want to give his child undivided attention but how he is going about it affects your life with him, he is being disrespectful, making you wait on him and things like that and just leaving you out of part of his life....he is not someone who you should be spending your life with if he is like that...talk with him first and explain how you feel, if it continues or he just doesnt care it is time to cut ties

ShannaBee
by on Oct. 10, 2012 at 7:11 PM

Are you unable to see him becaue he is sick? In this, I would try to be more understanding. Why do you need to text DH when he is visiting? Can it not wait? I think a little compromise is in order. I would let him visit but text him only if there is an emergency and he needs to agree to respond to emergency text messages. I would give him some distance to visit his son.

I would communicate my discomfort with him. I would be like, "Honey, it makes me uncomfortable when you do not respond to me. This situation with BM makes me uncomfortable" Give him your reasonings. Hopefully he will understand your side to and the both of you can work together.

If you are scared he is cheating with his ex, talk to him. You will have to think real hard about your relationship. Can you trust him? If not, then this relationship is not going to work. Good luck to you.

bellebear
by on Oct. 10, 2012 at 9:01 PM
Quoting jmjdj:


thankyou very much for your time. You seem like an intelligent woman so I will think more about your advise.
timswife_momof2
by on Oct. 10, 2012 at 9:05 PM

uh yeh when i first started dating my husband he did this too. he went to his ex house and visited with his daughter and i broke up with him over it and he begged me for 3 months to get back together with him and that he would never go over there again, now we have been married 2 yrs and he doesnt even speak to her. if she has something she needs to say she says it to his mother and his mother tells him. under no circumstances is he allowed to be around her without me.

Serenity7
by Platinum Member on Oct. 10, 2012 at 10:56 PM

 All that matters is what do you want to do

bellebear
by on Oct. 10, 2012 at 11:48 PM
Quoting ShannaBee:

Are you unable to see him becaue he is sick? In this, I would try to be more understanding. Why do you need to text DH when he is visiting? Can it not wait? I think a little compromise is in order. I would let him visit but text him only if there is an emergency and he needs to agree to respond to emergency text messages. I would give him some distance to visit his son.


I would communicate my discomfort with him. I would be like, "Honey, it makes me uncomfortable when you do not respond to me. This situation with BM makes me uncomfortable" Give him your reasonings. Hopefully he will understand your side to and the both of you can work together.


If you are scared he is cheating with his ex, talk to him. You will have to think real hard about your relationship. Can you trust him? If not, then this relationship is not going to work. Good luck to you.


thanks hun.
MrsBell29
by on Oct. 11, 2012 at 12:01 AM

Here is my question, How long have you been together ?  And was he doing all this BEFORE he found out about his DS ?  

GatorsWife4Life
by on Oct. 11, 2012 at 12:04 AM

 You should have already put your foot down momma. There is something up with what he is doing and there has to be a reason you are not allowed and he won't even talk to you on the phone while you are there. Something is going on and I would be finding out what it is and putting a stop to it. Even if I had to talk to his ex wife's husband to find out what his side of this is.

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