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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

~~~UPDATE~~~ My husband almost walked out on me last night.

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~~~UPDATE~~~
This is a txt he sent me just now.
"I really love u a lot. I am sorry about last night. I will never do that to u or the kids again. I truly apologize and I love u"
This was my reply
"Aw babe. I love you too. More than you will EVER know. I never want to be without you. You are my rock. You're my world. You're my universe. I think that we should see a marriage counselor. I believe that a professional can help us and give us new ideas on how to handle stress. I know that you and I are meant to be together forever. I want help for myself because I need to be a better person all around. I dont think Im healthy, physically speaking.
What do you think?"
About the unhealthy physical talk, I've been having issues with what I believe are my ovaries. I am going to make zn appt to be seen because I have HPV and ovarian cancer runs in my moms side of the family. Just want to be cautious.


Our evening started just like any ordinary evening. I pick him up from work, we went to Walmart and came home. I am a SAHM and hubby works. He makes pretty decent money. Anyhow, on our ride home he is upset because our trip ended up costing $72. In the car he's saying how upset he is that he never has money for himself and all he is is a paycheck to us, ECT. Usually I bite my tongue and just listen to him rant but I got pissed at the "just a paycheck" comment. I spoke up saying something along the lines of its not true, we both made the decision for me to stay home with the kids while he worked, there's nothing I can do but ask him for money for things because I make $0. I asked him for $36 yesterday. $20 for my nails and $16 for our daughter to get her hair cut. (She got gum stuck in her hair.). Well, I should've just kept my mouth shut because I opened up a huuuge can of worms. He started ranting and raving about spending money and said some really fucked up shit about my mothering and how bad of a wife I am. He actually got so upset that he said he was leaving and taking our daughter with him. He told our 7 yr old daughter to pack some things for the night and give me and her brother one last hug. This was the most dramatic shit I have ever seen from him and for him to put our daughter thru it was, well, Im not happy about it. I ended up telling him that if he walked out we were over. I dont believe in separating or staying somewhere else for a night because you want to run away from the problem at hand. He asked me if I was serious and I looked him dead in the eye and said, " Yes". He still said he was going to leave, saying how bad I screwed up and that I can call my "man" and have him come over. WHAT?!? He was all over the place last night.
Fast forward an hour or so and he ended up not leaving and we talked. We talked about how we need to fix our relationship. We talked about a lot of things but Im to blame for everything. Im a horrible mother to our daughter because I treat our 1 yr old son better than her. Im a horrible wife because Im lazy and dont love my husband. Im just a horrible person all around. These are just a few things he said to me last night.
Can't believe I was this - - close to losing my world and he was going to take my princess with him. What a SHITTY night.
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by on Oct. 11, 2012 at 9:37 AM
Replies (71-80):
SuperMom2433
by on Oct. 12, 2012 at 11:23 AM
Im cutting out the nails but it was originally his idea. The haircut was a one time thing. I usually cut our daughters hair but this was too bad. Nothing would have gotten that gum out. I have had a few offers for pt jobs and he always say the same thing. "Right now is not the right time. It won't work out.". There's always an excuse. I had an offer to make $10/hr as a server. It was Frida nights 5-10pm and Sat and Sun noon to end of dinner rush. That would have been perfect but he said it wouldn't work out. I am trying and all I get is excuses.


Quoting schatzi869:

It sounds likes he's feeling pressure from being the only income. My dh and I have similar arguments sometimes. Cut out the unnecessary things, like fake nails and 16 dollar haircuts. We get ours done for ten! Peanut butter will get gum out of the hair! Maybe offer to get a part time job to help or at least to cover some of your wants.

Posted on CafeMom Mobile
schatzi869
by Member on Oct. 12, 2012 at 11:46 AM
Why do you have to get his approval? My husband is Mexican, and the women in his family are sahms. Now his mother runs a bread business with his brother, but she wanted to and she enjoys it. Anyways, I told my husband, "I think I'm gonna get a job." He shrugged and said "okay". I didn't ask him, I told him. He supports and encourages me to achieve the goals I want to achieve. He wants me to finish my college degree, and as long as I do that, we'll be okay.


Quoting SuperMom2433:

Im cutting out the nails but it was originally his idea. The haircut was a one time thing. I usually cut our daughters hair but this was too bad. Nothing would have gotten that gum out. I have had a few offers for pt jobs and he always say the same thing. "Right now is not the right time. It won't work out.". There's always an excuse. I had an offer to make $10/hr as a server. It was Frida nights 5-10pm and Sat and Sun noon to end of dinner rush. That would have been perfect but he said it wouldn't work out. I am trying and all I get is excuses.




Quoting schatzi869:

It sounds likes he's feeling pressure from being the only income. My dh and I have similar arguments sometimes. Cut out the unnecessary things, like fake nails and 16 dollar haircuts. We get ours done for ten! Peanut butter will get gum out of the hair! Maybe offer to get a part time job to help or at least to cover some of your wants.


Posted on CafeMom Mobile
schatzi869
by Member on Oct. 12, 2012 at 11:47 AM
If he doesn't want you to get a job though, then he shouldn't bitch too much about money. You working would cover at least your nails, makeup, etc.


Quoting schatzi869:

Why do you have to get his approval? My husband is Mexican, and the women in his family are sahms. Now his mother runs a bread business with his brother, but she wanted to and she enjoys it. Anyways, I told my husband, "I think I'm gonna get a job." He shrugged and said "okay". I didn't ask him, I told him. He supports and encourages me to achieve the goals I want to achieve. He wants me to finish my college degree, and as long as I do that, we'll be okay.




Quoting SuperMom2433:

Im cutting out the nails but it was originally his idea. The haircut was a one time thing. I usually cut our daughters hair but this was too bad. Nothing would have gotten that gum out. I have had a few offers for pt jobs and he always say the same thing. "Right now is not the right time. It won't work out.". There's always an excuse. I had an offer to make $10/hr as a server. It was Frida nights 5-10pm and Sat and Sun noon to end of dinner rush. That would have been perfect but he said it wouldn't work out. I am trying and all I get is excuses.






Quoting schatzi869:

It sounds likes he's feeling pressure from being the only income. My dh and I have similar arguments sometimes. Cut out the unnecessary things, like fake nails and 16 dollar haircuts. We get ours done for ten! Peanut butter will get gum out of the hair! Maybe offer to get a part time job to help or at least to cover some of your wants.



Posted on CafeMom Mobile
SuperMom2433
by on Oct. 12, 2012 at 11:52 AM
Well, he doesn't want our son in daycare, which I am with him on that one. Long story but we had a horrible experience with our daughter and daycare and this small town is ridiculous with daycare. Anyhow, I need his approval because he needs to agree to stat with the kids while I work. Im trying to get our son in this early childhood class and am waiting to hear back on that.


Quoting schatzi869:

Why do you have to get his approval? My husband is Mexican, and the women in his family are sahms. Now his mother runs a bread business with his brother, but she wanted to and she enjoys it. Anyways, I told my husband, "I think I'm gonna get a job." He shrugged and said "okay". I didn't ask him, I told him. He supports and encourages me to achieve the goals I want to achieve. He wants me to finish my college degree, and as long as I do that, we'll be okay.




Quoting SuperMom2433:

Im cutting out the nails but it was originally his idea. The haircut was a one time thing. I usually cut our daughters hair but this was too bad. Nothing would have gotten that gum out. I have had a few offers for pt jobs and he always say the same thing. "Right now is not the right time. It won't work out.". There's always an excuse. I had an offer to make $10/hr as a server. It was Frida nights 5-10pm and Sat and Sun noon to end of dinner rush. That would have been perfect but he said it wouldn't work out. I am trying and all I get is excuses.






Quoting schatzi869:

It sounds likes he's feeling pressure from being the only income. My dh and I have similar arguments sometimes. Cut out the unnecessary things, like fake nails and 16 dollar haircuts. We get ours done for ten! Peanut butter will get gum out of the hair! Maybe offer to get a part time job to help or at least to cover some of your wants.



Posted on CafeMom Mobile
SuperMom2433
by on Oct. 12, 2012 at 11:54 AM
Exactly! Him and his dad own a machine shop together and do work weekends sometimes but it's not like he HAS to go in on the weekends. When I told him about the server job he said that it wouldn't work because they were busy at the shop. That very weekend he stayed home and slept all day (till 4pm) Sat and slept till 12:30 on Sun.


Quoting schatzi869:

If he doesn't want you to get a job though, then he shouldn't bitch too much about money. You working would cover at least your nails, makeup, etc.




Quoting schatzi869:

Why do you have to get his approval? My husband is Mexican, and the women in his family are sahms. Now his mother runs a bread business with his brother, but she wanted to and she enjoys it. Anyways, I told my husband, "I think I'm gonna get a job." He shrugged and said "okay". I didn't ask him, I told him. He supports and encourages me to achieve the goals I want to achieve. He wants me to finish my college degree, and as long as I do that, we'll be okay.






Quoting SuperMom2433:

Im cutting out the nails but it was originally his idea. The haircut was a one time thing. I usually cut our daughters hair but this was too bad. Nothing would have gotten that gum out. I have had a few offers for pt jobs and he always say the same thing. "Right now is not the right time. It won't work out.". There's always an excuse. I had an offer to make $10/hr as a server. It was Frida nights 5-10pm and Sat and Sun noon to end of dinner rush. That would have been perfect but he said it wouldn't work out. I am trying and all I get is excuses.








Quoting schatzi869:

It sounds likes he's feeling pressure from being the only income. My dh and I have similar arguments sometimes. Cut out the unnecessary things, like fake nails and 16 dollar haircuts. We get ours done for ten! Peanut butter will get gum out of the hair! Maybe offer to get a part time job to help or at least to cover some of your wants.




Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Autiziumom
by Bronze Member on Oct. 12, 2012 at 2:28 PM
I'm so sorry. I hope u work it out for u guys not the kids. Remember the love u have for each other!
CTSBrandy
by on Oct. 12, 2012 at 5:37 PM

There's a couple of suggestions I have to offer, take them or leave them.  Your husband is clearly very stressed out about money.  I think his fear that he's not going to be able to provide for you guys ended up in him projecting his fears that he's a terrible father and a bad provider (translation: bad father and husband) onto your shoulders. It happens.  

I recommend one of two possible courses of action, based on how well you think he would handle a long-term program.  There's a program called Retrouvaille, which is for marriages that are having trouble. It has 12 weeks of follow up after the initial weekend.http://www.retrouvaille.org/

If you don't think he could handle going through with a 12 week commitment, I can recommend a less intense but effective program called WorldWide Marriage Encounter.  This worked for me and my husband. It's obviously only going to be as good as what the two of you together are willing to put into it, but if you're willing to do the work it can do a lot of good and be a lot of help. http://www.wwme.org/

Both programs are based on Catholic teaching, but you aren't required to be Catholic to go through them. Furthermore, they welcomed my atheist husband with open arms and made him just as comfortable as everyone else there.  We had a few interfaith couples and a lot of couples who were non-Catholic there as well.  

The bottom line is don't quit on your marriage.  Whatever hardship you're going through, whatever pain you're facing today, when you get through that tough time much better things are around the corner. I've been married almost 18 years, and this is how it always is.

kvv
by on Oct. 13, 2012 at 6:00 AM
Hmmm maybe its time 4 him 2 stay home while u work at night and see how much workit is! Really sad he's not more respectfull to you I'm sorry, find someone w/ more intelligence and you will be happier
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dmrstrs
by on Oct. 13, 2012 at 8:29 AM
I'm sorry but I thought that when a couple gets married there is no more his and her money. It becomes our money. If your dh wanted you to be an sahm then where does he think that you are going to get the money to get the things you need for the family. Just because you are an sahm doesn't mean that you shouldn't allow yourself to do something nice. $20 is nothing, I spend $50 on mine. Also if he is getting stressed about finances and you are offering to get a job then tell him he can't have it both ways. Since he doesn't want to put the kids in daycare then you'll find a job when he is home. Very simple. Marriage is a lot of work but he has to figure out what his real problem is and then the two of you work it out. Seems like counseling is the way to go. One last note, I definitely would ask him if he thought he was a great father by putting your dd in the middle and making her think that she wasn't going to see her brother or her mom again. Not for nothing though does he realize that it would cost him more in child and spousal support if he left. He needs to learn how to handle his stress better. Not looking for arguments with anyone, it's just my opinion. Best of luck to you!
lipsis
by on Oct. 14, 2012 at 4:08 PM

When did it go bad? You said it wasn't like this when you stayed home with your daughter while she was little, right? Was your son unplanned? Did he have any reason for saying he was going to take your daughter, but not your son? Does he have trouble bonding with your son for any reason?

Did you always mind his vices (drinking, chew, etc.) or do you only mind it when you realize you're not saving anything or he's complaining about you spending "his" money.

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