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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

At the end of my rope with nowhere to turn

Posted by on Oct. 12, 2012 at 6:35 PM
  • 10 Replies

I am at a cross roads in my marriage with no one to talk to, so I'm coming on Cafemom for the first time in 9 months for advice.  My husband and I have been living together for 7 years and married for 4.  We have a 6 year old daughter and a 4 month old son.  After our son was born, I tried going back to work, but i only made $30 a week and our kids were sick all the time and our daughter was about to be sent back to kindergarten.  We can to an agreement that I would quit my lousy job and stay home with both kids and homeschool our daughter(which has worked wonders for her by the way).  I am also taking online classes for my degree.  My husband has been going to school for the past 5 years.  He went to NTI, got ASE certified, earn an associates from a community college, and spent two semesters at a university before taking this semester off.  He works at walmart, where he has been for the past three and a half years.  That doesn't pay the bills.  My mother just loaned us the money for our first home in April.  He makes enough to pay the mortgage to my mother, his gas to go back and forth to work, and our insurance.  Everything else is not covered.  He has said for 2 months that he will get another job.  He has only applied for one.  My husband is a mechanic.  He was a mechanic in the military, NTI is a mechanic school, ASE certification is for mechanics, and he works in Tire Lube Express at Walmart now.  That's what he is good at, fixing cars.  So being the, what I thought was considerate, wife I am, I talked to my cousin who is a mechanic for the state.  He offered to help get my husband a great job with great hours, benefits, and pay.  When I got home so excited about this amazing opportunity and shared it with husband, he threw it in my face.  He said he doesn't want to be a mechanic anymore.  He wants to go to school to be a mechanical engineer.  When I expalined that he was out of VA pay for that and we couldn't afford it, he yelled at me and told me to get a job.  I just quit my job at the daycare because I wasn't making money.  He says get a better job.  I don't have the skills or experience to make what he could working for the state or even to pay the bills.   Not to mention the fact that we just took our daughter out of public school for me to homeschool her.  It's not like I am asking for a new car, a million dollar house, or even a cell phone.  I just want the bills paid.  I told him to get out of my house and he refused.  I don't know what to do.  This was met and combined with my growing resentment for what he did last year.  I don't think I have anything left to give in this marriage.  What should I do?

by on Oct. 12, 2012 at 6:35 PM
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Replies (1-10):
98765
by Silver Member on Oct. 12, 2012 at 6:50 PM

Tell him he can be a mechanic and make good $ while going to school--on loans and grants--for mechanical engineering. He cant have it both ways. Be a man, step up and do what you need to to provide for your family.  My husband has his MBA and is desperately looking for a new position or job. But he is in sales right now--and has been for years--and while he doesnt want to do it anymore he knows he has no choice right now in order to provide for us.

Why doesnt he want to be a mechanic anymore? Tell him its fine, but for now he has no choice bc you guys need X,Y and Z. And if he doesnt want that job then HE should call your cousin and tell him himself.

Good luck!

heatherbw87
by on Oct. 12, 2012 at 6:53 PM

I wish I had a reason to give as to why he doesn't want to do it anymore.  Part of me thinks he doesn't want to do anything because he doesn't want the pressure of being the sole provider.  Good God, I wish I had married a real man.

Quoting 98765:

Tell him he can be a mechanic and make good $ while going to school--on loans and grants--for mechanical engineering. He cant have it both ways. Be a man, step up and do what you need to to provide for your family.  My husband has his MBA and is desperately looking for a new position or job. But he is in sales right now--and has been for years--and while he doesnt want to do it anymore he knows he has no choice right now in order to provide for us.

Why doesnt he want to be a mechanic anymore? Tell him its fine, but for now he has no choice bc you guys need X,Y and Z. And if he doesnt want that job then HE should call your cousin and tell him himself.

Good luck!


ShannaBee
by Platinum Member on Oct. 13, 2012 at 1:26 PM


Quoting 98765:

Tell him he can be a mechanic and make good $ while going to school--on loans and grants--for mechanical engineering. He cant have it both ways. Be a man, step up and do what you need to to provide for your family.  My husband has his MBA and is desperately looking for a new position or job. But he is in sales right now--and has been for years--and while he doesnt want to do it anymore he knows he has no choice right now in order to provide for us.

Why doesnt he want to be a mechanic anymore? Tell him its fine, but for now he has no choice bc you guys need X,Y and Z. And if he doesnt want that job then HE should call your cousin and tell him himself.

Good luck!


I agree with this

ReadWriteLuv
by Casey on Oct. 13, 2012 at 1:29 PM
Oh good Lord. I don't have anything constructive to say, but here's a bump.
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daijobu
by on Oct. 14, 2012 at 5:26 AM
1 mom liked this

Big question you need to think about: Do you really love him and want to work of the both of you (if he's willing to) or are you done with him (as a person, not your unfortunate situation)?  We all suck it up and do what needs to be done for ourselves and family.  He needs to get it together and stop feeling sorry for himself.  Hope your situation improves soon.  (Hugs!)

Quoting heatherbw87:

I wish I had a reason to give as to why he doesn't want to do it anymore.  Part of me thinks he doesn't want to do anything because he doesn't want the pressure of being the sole provider.  Good God, I wish I had married a real man.



Sunshine257
by Bronze Member on Oct. 14, 2012 at 5:31 AM
I don't get why he can't take that job while he goes to school.. I am sorry I have no advice if he won't step up there isn't much you can do..
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maddie02
by on Oct. 14, 2012 at 5:49 AM
Hugs, momma. I hope he thinks about it and changes his mind.
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Lindalou907
by Bronze Member on Oct. 14, 2012 at 6:03 AM

Sometimes it just takes a little time,hopefully he'll wake up this morning and see what he needs to do. In the mean time you keep working on your degree :)

artistmom889
by Bronze Member on Oct. 14, 2012 at 7:30 AM

My story isn't like yours but my family has been through chapter 13 , and a near forclosure  .I know that rough times can be really hard on a good marriage. You're under heavy stress and so is he,

In my experience my dh is a very hard worker, and very responsible, He gets very easily agitated but he isn't 'wired' to talk about it .His temper flies when anybody tries to help because he feels it's all  his failure.I  could be wrong but I am hearing that in your story too,

I know it looks hopeless, but I encourage you to hold on as tight as you can. You're in my prayers.

LaughingTattoo
by on Oct. 14, 2012 at 7:57 AM

Oh lord.....

While I get what youre upset about...sayig he isnt a real man and basically demanding he take this job and telling him to get out of "your" house was wrong, wrong, wrong. I dont care what resentments you have of him or for what reason. 2 wrongs never ever make a right.You went about this the worst way.

Step back for a second and cool down and let him cool. Then go back, apologize, and start over. If you are that low income, you surely qualify for student grants and loans for him to go back to school. Tell him you will support him going to school but he has to make more money so that you guys can live without worrying about the bills. He made a deal with you about staying at home and he has to make good on that first before you can budget in school.

I thinnk he may have a hard time getting over this one though to be honest. I know I would if someone said "Get out of MY house"

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