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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

My marriage is failing, he doesn't seem to have any intentions of working things out...

Posted by on Oct. 15, 2012 at 2:40 AM
  • 6 Replies

My husband and I have been together for 6 1/2 years, married for 5.  He is in the Army, and because of that, we have spent only about 3 1/2 years physically together.  We have two children, they are 5 and 2.  To make a long story short, my husband has become increasinly angry and has started to get violent.  We are constantly fighting or just not talking to each other.  I've tried talking to him, but he just doesn't listen to me so I stopped trying.  When I'd start to talk about something, he'd get up and go into another room.  He admitted to me once when I asked why he acts this way, that he just doesn't care anymore about anything so he doesn't see the point in pretending.  That should've been my cue to leave right there, I know.  I have begged and pleaded with him to get help, to talk to someone.  He is on antidepressants, but they don't seem to be helping him.  I'm on antidepressants as well, however I just started them this past Wednesday so there's no difference for me yet.

He left a week and a half ago for some training in another state and won't be back for a few more weeks.  We have been fighting over the phone even while he's gone.  This afternoon I sent him a text and told him that I think it's best if we take a break from each other for the rest of the time that he's gone.  I asked him if I am wasting my time hoping we can work through this; that if he tells me I am wasting my time, then fine, that's that; or if I'm not wasting my time, then great, we can work through this.  I haven't gotten an answer.  That was about 4 hours ago.

We went through 5 months of marriage counseling, from Oct '09-March '10.  It helped for the issues we were having at that point in time.  Then he deployed again, and when he came home in August 2011, that's when the most recent and most drastic problems started.  I would love to go back to marriage counseling, but I feel we would benefit more if he could get his anger under control first, as that's what causing the majority of our issues right now.  I believe if he could get past his anger, he wouldn't have such an "I don't care" attitude.  I know my husband; the first 4 years of our relationship were pretty good.  He wasn't so angry all the time, and when he's not angry he's one of the most gentle, loving men I've ever known.

He's supposed to start counseling when he gets back from training next month, but I know how it's going to be.  He'll go a couple of times, and then stop.  I tried to get him to go in the spring.  He went twice, then he would "forget," or he'd come home after work and say he didn't get to his appointment because his 1st sgt forgot about it and he didn't want to speak up for himself and say he had to get to his appointment.

But he just doesn't care anymore, that's the issue.  If he doesn't care, he won't get help.  And if he won't get help for his anger, nothing is going to change.  Does that make sense?  Are there any suggestions for ways I can get through to him?


by on Oct. 15, 2012 at 2:40 AM
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USMCwife0530
by on Oct. 15, 2012 at 3:42 AM
I'm sorry you're going through a hard time. I'm a military wife too. I've been married to my Marine for 9.5 years. We've had our ups and downs. We just had one of our biggest downs. He admitted that he didn't feel the same way about me anymore. He wasn't sure if he still loved me and was just with me because of our two boys (they're 4 & 1). We just pcs'd to Hawaii about 6 weeks ago and we're on temporary housing facility waiting for a house on base. It has been insane living in a room with two beds, uncertain about when we'll have a house, plus other problems we've been battling for a while so that definitely puts a stress on us both. Anyway, I told him he needed to make a decision about us because I wasn't gonna be the one to throw in the towel. I'm certain that I love him and want to be with him but he needed to decide what he wanted. I was ready to leave this Tuesday but he finally said that he's willing to work on our marriage for me and our boys. It's gonna take 100% from each of us to make it work.

Do you think he suffers from PTSD? Have him call the DStress line. He can talk to someone by phone & I believe its anonymous. Go to militaryonesource.com. They offer a lot of great info about situations like this. I hope he gets whatever help he needs. Prayers for you mama
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Soldier_Wife07
by on Oct. 15, 2012 at 3:52 AM

We just PCS'd to Hawaii too, July 6.  

He'll admit to being depressed and to not caring about anything anymore, but if I bring up PTSD, he gets all defensive and stops talking.  That's a big red flag to me, but I can't make him talk to me.  As far as he told me, he never saw any action during either of his deployments, and I know for a fact that nobody in either of the units (different units each deployment) were hurt or killed during the deployments.  He always told me they were very boring tours.  But that's all he'll say about them.  

Quoting USMCwife0530:

I'm sorry you're going through a hard time. I'm a military wife too. I've been married to my Marine for 9.5 years. We've had our ups and downs. We just had one of our biggest downs. He admitted that he didn't feel the same way about me anymore. He wasn't sure if he still loved me and was just with me because of our two boys (they're 4 & 1). We just pcs'd to Hawaii about 6 weeks ago and we're on temporary housing facility waiting for a house on base. It has been insane living in a room with two beds, uncertain about when we'll have a house, plus other problems we've been battling for a while so that definitely puts a stress on us both. Anyway, I told him he needed to make a decision about us because I wasn't gonna be the one to throw in the towel. I'm certain that I love him and want to be with him but he needed to decide what he wanted. I was ready to leave this Tuesday but he finally said that he's willing to work on our marriage for me and our boys. It's gonna take 100% from each of us to make it work.

Do you think he suffers from PTSD? Have him call the DStress line. He can talk to someone by phone & I believe its anonymous. Go to militaryonesource.com. They offer a lot of great info about situations like this. I hope he gets whatever help he needs. Prayers for you mama



USMCwife0530
by on Oct. 15, 2012 at 4:03 AM
Really? Where are you guys at? We're in Kaneohe Bay. We got here September 3.

Agh, it's so hard with these guys. They're so stubborn. DH is adamant about going to a counselor. He was on deployment earlier this year but he didn't see any combat, he was in Japan. I think it's the stress of it all, deployment (combat or not, I'm sure there are still other issues they gotta deal with.), our pending pcs move, to getting here at the lodge and having to live in a room and not have a house to call our own just messed up with his emotions and took it out on me. Thankfully, he said he doesn't want to see our marriage fail and we'll do whatever it takes.

Does he have a friend or family member that he can confide in and talk about what's bothering him?


Quoting Soldier_Wife07:

We just PCS'd to Hawaii too, July 6.  

He'll admit to being depressed and to not caring about anything anymore, but if I bring up PTSD, he gets all defensive and stops talking.  That's a big red flag to me, but I can't make him talk to me.  As far as he told me, he never saw any action during either of his deployments, and I know for a fact that nobody in either of the units (different units each deployment) were hurt or killed during the deployments.  He always told me they were very boring tours.  But that's all he'll say about them.  

Quoting USMCwife0530:

I'm sorry you're going through a hard time. I'm a military wife too. I've been married to my Marine for 9.5 years. We've had our ups and downs. We just had one of our biggest downs. He admitted that he didn't feel the same way about me anymore. He wasn't sure if he still loved me and was just with me because of our two boys (they're 4 & 1). We just pcs'd to Hawaii about 6 weeks ago and we're on temporary housing facility waiting for a house on base. It has been insane living in a room with two beds, uncertain about when we'll have a house, plus other problems we've been battling for a while so that definitely puts a stress on us both. Anyway, I told him he needed to make a decision about us because I wasn't gonna be the one to throw in the towel. I'm certain that I love him and want to be with him but he needed to decide what he wanted. I was ready to leave this Tuesday but he finally said that he's willing to work on our marriage for me and our boys. It's gonna take 100% from each of us to make it work.

Do you think he suffers from PTSD? Have him call the DStress line. He can talk to someone by phone & I believe its anonymous. Go to militaryonesource.com. They offer a lot of great info about situations like this. I hope he gets whatever help he needs. Prayers for you mama



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Soldier_Wife07
by on Oct. 15, 2012 at 4:10 AM

We're on Schofield.  We were lucky, we got here July 6 and moved into our house on July 30.  We had to stay at a hotel next to the airport in Honolulu, that sucked.  We've been over to K-Bay, once..It's really pretty over there, I'm jealous.  There's nothing up here.

And honestly, I have no idea if he's close to anyone he works with..close enough to confide in them anyways.  He's not close to anyone in his family at all, I talk to them more than he does.  

I'm going to PM you.

Quoting USMCwife0530:

Really? Where are you guys at? We're in Kaneohe Bay. We got here September 3.

Agh, it's so hard with these guys. They're so stubborn. DH is adamant about going to a counselor. He was on deployment earlier this year but he didn't see any combat, he was in Japan. I think it's the stress of it all, deployment (combat or not, I'm sure there are still other issues they gotta deal with.), our pending pcs move, to getting here at the lodge and having to live in a room and not have a house to call our own just messed up with his emotions and took it out on me. Thankfully, he said he doesn't want to see our marriage fail and we'll do whatever it takes.

Does he have a friend or family member that he can confide in and talk about what's bothering him?


Quoting Soldier_Wife07:

We just PCS'd to Hawaii too, July 6.  

He'll admit to being depressed and to not caring about anything anymore, but if I bring up PTSD, he gets all defensive and stops talking.  That's a big red flag to me, but I can't make him talk to me.  As far as he told me, he never saw any action during either of his deployments, and I know for a fact that nobody in either of the units (different units each deployment) were hurt or killed during the deployments.  He always told me they were very boring tours.  But that's all he'll say about them.  

Quoting USMCwife0530:

I'm sorry you're going through a hard time. I'm a military wife too. I've been married to my Marine for 9.5 years. We've had our ups and downs. We just had one of our biggest downs. He admitted that he didn't feel the same way about me anymore. He wasn't sure if he still loved me and was just with me because of our two boys (they're 4 & 1). We just pcs'd to Hawaii about 6 weeks ago and we're on temporary housing facility waiting for a house on base. It has been insane living in a room with two beds, uncertain about when we'll have a house, plus other problems we've been battling for a while so that definitely puts a stress on us both. Anyway, I told him he needed to make a decision about us because I wasn't gonna be the one to throw in the towel. I'm certain that I love him and want to be with him but he needed to decide what he wanted. I was ready to leave this Tuesday but he finally said that he's willing to work on our marriage for me and our boys. It's gonna take 100% from each of us to make it work.

Do you think he suffers from PTSD? Have him call the DStress line. He can talk to someone by phone & I believe its anonymous. Go to militaryonesource.com. They offer a lot of great info about situations like this. I hope he gets whatever help he needs. Prayers for you mama





Lindalou907
by Silver Member on Oct. 15, 2012 at 4:18 AM

He probably needs a different anti-depressant but good luck getting him to see a doctor for it! I'm in the same boat.

MagicTemptation
by Christina on Oct. 15, 2012 at 11:51 AM

I am sorry you are going through this. My exhusband was in the Army. I can only give you my experience. We were a perfect family before he deployed. (Iraq). When he came home he was pretty good. He was jumpy alot. He would have nightmares on occasion. Once we were in the grocery store and someone dropped something and the sound startled him, he dropped to the ground. He would jump over sudden sounds and movement. It made going out the house difficult because people would stare when he would react like that to noise and movement. He refused to seek help. Over time it got better. We started to do well. We were pregnant with our 4th child. Then he started to have nightmares again. His entire demenor changed but again he refused to seek help. By this point he was out the Army and lost all contact with any of his old friends. He said he didn't want a reminder of it. Right after the birth of our 4th child he started to become violent. At first he would get overwhelmed by the kids and yell ALL the time. He would lock them in their room, a few times he spanked them harder than he should. He got violent towards me as well. Holding me down, telling me I belong to him. Sex became rough and forceful.  I begged him to get help but still he wouldn't. Steve, our best friend noticed the change too and tried talking to him as well but got no where. He would start to come over more often and be like a barrier for us. My ex wouldnt do anything to help out, not even cut the yard, I couldnt while I was very pregnant so Steve would come and do it so the kids could play outside. Most of the time we werent even home when he came by to do it. Steve was over almost all the time when he wasnt working. The kids called him Uncle and loved him dearly. After he left one night, I went to shower, and when I came into the bedroom I had just a towel on. My ex grabbed me, held me down started yelling at me, and saying he knew I wanted Steve. I didn't, he was like a big brother to me. I tried explaining to him that Steve came over so much bc he(my ex) wasn't as bad when he was around. He could keep him distracted from his problems. With his hands around my throat he forced himself in me anally. Thats not something we would do normally, we had only tried it a few times in the nine years we were together. It hurt alot. What made it worse was when our oldest (age 4) walked in bc she heard me yelling. That was the end of us. I know I shouldn't of stayed as long as I did. But I wanted our family back desperately. I wanted the wonderful man I married back. The kids wanted their father back. The man who would tuck them in, get down on the ground and play, teach them how to do things. 

It's been 5 years since. He realized how bad he had gotten and got help but it took me leaving to do so. I feel like crap because our marriage failed. 

If you think your husband needs counsoling try to contact someone you can trust to talk to him. Maybe a friend in his unit that can look out for him? I have known men that suffered with PTSD and was stationed in Kuwait. They do not have to be in a combat zone to be affected. It is a high stress area. You hear mortar fire all the time, you hear stories of what's happening to other units that are around you. He could still very much love you, but can't control the surge of emotions he is feeling. It affects people differently. Goodluck hun.

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