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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

he disgusts me, am i normal or not in love anymore?

Posted by on Oct. 22, 2012 at 8:51 AM
  • 22 Replies
Hello ladies! This has been bothering me for months now because I still can't figure it out, which is my purpose for posting here in hopes another mom has been through this and ended up making it work in the end. A little background: I'll be 22 in a month and my bf is 27 in December (not that age matters?). We've been together for two years + 3 months and have a 1 year old son. Tim is the best dad I or my son could've possibly hoped for. Jasper loves his dad so so much, they play so well together, he works hard for our family, and he deals with my anger issues. We were both addicted to drugs for years before I got pregnant and still were very bad when I found out at a month pregnant. Luckily, jasper was/is our blessing, our miracle, our life saver, our angel, because we got sober and never looked back. It took awhile yes but we did it. Tim took a month longer then me because he was too ashamed to admit to me he couldn't do it on his own like he'd told me he could (we each went to our parents house thinkin we could get sober separately). After him coming over still high but denying it, not helpibg me With a THING that I needed and being shut down for a month after I'd been sober and regaining control over my life, I popped a home drug test on him and he failed for opiates and thc. the ultimatum was he comes with me to get into the treatment center I was at and never use again, or he can leave and get high because he was withdrawling but hed never see me or his son again. He made the good choice and he's stuck with it to this day. I'm eternally grateful to him and to our guardian angels for this because I know MANY girls who've Been through the same thing and their men (boys) NEVER GOT CLEAN, nor did they try. Don't see their kids, support them, try to get into treatment nothing. then there's a large majority of guys that try but fail miserably once they realize its very hard raising a son. I will forever be happy, prpid and grateful that I got blessed with such a strong willed bf/baby dad.

Sorry this is going to be longer then I thought because I wasn't going to say anything about us before the baby because I didn't used to think it was related but after counseling and internal questioning, I've realized it probably has a lot to do with the way we get along now, so I had to add that. But please I beg of you all, don't be judgemental, harsh, critical or mean because this wasn't a post about my former drug use, its about the situation I face now. Thanks!

14 months later my son is thriving in everything he does, amazing us at every blink, and making us happier every day that we had this chance to change our lives and have meaning to them. But for the last four months or so, everything my bf does drives me nuts, literally to yelling and arguing. Most of it is very dumb little 'squabbles' (as our really cool relationship counselor puts it, who we started seeing three weeks ago) rather then fighting about actual problems. We were raised very differently and come from two complete opposite sides of the tracks. His parents are hillbillys, anti social, cigarette smokers, Harley bike riders, screw-government-and religion type people (but theyre very nice and love me and my family both, and its tims dad that's those things mostly but both parents are hillbillies and his mom is very very uneducated like can't spell, explain things that 5 year olds know, yet she works as a nurse and reads books like she's a genius). I know this sounds judgmental but im tryin to show you all that he gets certain things from them and hell probably never change which is hard for me to accept. His parents chew with their mouths open, don't see 20-minute-away relatives on holidays, gave their son cigs at 12 and smoked in their home his entire life. (Also tim was molested when he was 8-12 by a neighborhood guy and didn't tell his parents til he was 21 and they brought him to counseling but he left after two sessions cuz he was doing drugs and the lady refused to help til he quit using. His parents didn't try to get him back, get him more or different help, or even see if he was ok. The only reason I bring this up Is because I don't get how his mom never noticed a THING different about her 8-12 yr old son. It bothers me because no matter what tim says about not acting different as a kid, its a fact that any person whose been abused is going to have SOMETHING noticeably different about them, usually something only a mother can notice about her own kid. My mom noticed if I was upset about a boy, grades, friends, etc right away. she definitely would've noticed somethin about me if I was being abused.) His parents drink pop only and she talks about jasper asking her for cigs and pop soon! Those are just some but the main things that set them apart from the way my family is. Also, he got bad grades in school and they didn't try to help or get him help. My family had no junk food in the house especially pop until I was like 13 and then it was cheez its or cookies but not cupboards full. I had milk with dinner and lunch (still love milk to this day) and MAYbe one pop every couple days. Neither of my parents smoke and never have. My parents taught me table and social manners so I've chewed with my mouth closed since I knew how, said thanks your welcome bless you to others. Tim never does these things. I'm glad GE agreed with me though about smoking, we stopped smoking in the car two weeks before jasper was born and haven't smoked In it since. (We got a new car when he was 2 months and he was in the NICU until 6 weeks old though so there was a good 8 weeks for the car to air out, plus our rigourous cleaning job) we never smoked around him, in the house, holding him. His parents don't see why they have to wash their hands every time they smoke. Ok I gotta stop cuz I've taken up way too much time explaining the dumb crap that makes our families so different instead of getting to the point.

So a lot of things he does is because of how he was raised and I know they won't change. He's getting better at some things but its so hard to deal with! Im in anger management because I was thinkin maybe its just me and my irritability causing me to let him upset me. I have a very short temper with him, inpatient and just plain irritated at all he does. So anyways, were going to couples counseling and the counselor is awesome and I'm hoping hell help us communicate better so we don't fight. But in our private talk with him he asked if I love him and I said i don't nbow because he's not the guy I thought I loved when we met at a concert smoking pot and LSD. At that point I never thought I'd be off drugs, living a real responsible life, or especially having a babe and a family. So i thought he was perfect for me because we had so much in common and made eachother laugh nonstop. We had sex like Jack rabbits up until I got pregnant, then it was every few weeks but he wasn't all there because he hadn't gotten sober yet. After delivery, we had sex In the private breastfeeding room in the NICU only 2 weeks after delivering and it hurt but I figured that was just from the delivery. Fast forward two months, 3 months after delivery I go to my OBGYN and she checks me out and says it shouldn't hurt anymore because everythings back to normal. She sends me to w urologist and I'm diagnosed with Inner Cystial cystitis which is permanent. It means the bladder wall is inflamed always and it causes UTI like symptoms and pain during sex. I can't take the medication that'd make the pain go away until I'm breastfeeding which I'm still doing at 14 months and probably will til age 2 at least. Even after this discovery I had sex with the pain but it was never fun, pleasurable or anything to look forward to and nothing he did got me in the mood. I even used lidocaine to numb the entire area. So I completely stopped having sex because its never good for me. But the problem is that I don't even have a need or urge to..ever. sometimes at night I get disgusted at night wondering if ill ever be attracted to tim like I used to be. AND IM SUPER WEIRD when it comes to masturbating, like I hate him doing it or the thought of it even though its normal for every guy to do it even if they're married, in love, etc etc. I caught him once and freaked out on him so I know he doesn't do it at home anymore but he's gotta be doing it somewhere right? He has needs that im not meeting. I don't even like him taking long showers. I get grossed out when he has a huge boner in the AM and wish he wouldn't. I know I'm completely in the wrong here for thinkin this way but I can't seem to help it or will myself to think otherwise like a normal woman!

I do think I love him sometimes and he's the best father in the world so I'd never want jasper to be without him. But I get so mad at everything he does because he does things that common sensed people don't do and I get so mad he's that...dumb sometimes! Ugh I know this is really Long and I'm sorry but theres so much involved in it all. So I wonder if I'm still in love or I'm completely out of love and that's why I feel this way towards him?! What is goinf on here?
by on Oct. 22, 2012 at 8:51 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Bl3ss3dMommi
by on Oct. 22, 2012 at 9:07 AM
1 mom liked this
I hope this don't sound horrible but it sounds a little like you have some control issues that you need to work our personally. My hubby and i come from 2 different backgrounds is family was perfect mom an dad married the American life he didn't do drugs or anything. I am a product of an affair my dad was never around and my mom didn't care i done drugs till i found out i was preg. With my dd. I made the choice to do better for her i left her dad he didn't want better I've know my hubby and we reunited been together since she was 9 months old. I'm loud and he's quiet we are complete opposites but we make it work and i learned to pick my battles. You can't change were he's from just except it and move on. My hubby has changed allot in the 8 years we have been together y'all are still young. I wish ya luck and congrats on getting clean it takes alot.
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Ksmomy
by on Oct. 22, 2012 at 9:29 AM
First congratulations to both of you for being clean and sober for so long!
I think most women go through this at some point in a relationship. Mine started after our dd was born.
I agree with pp that some of these sound like control issues. I'd say pick you battles and talk to him about those!

As for the sex part. Who would want to have sex if it hurt. Right now you're associating sex with pain that you don't like. So you don't get turned on! I don't know how to help with that except to focus on trying to reconnect with him in a different way than just sexually.

As for him not being the man of your dreams for the father of your child or the family. You said he's great in other ways. He works and takes care of you guys. Maybe if you continue to look at all the good he does when he's making you nuts it might change the way you're seeing him.

I was you luck. I haven't been able to figure this out for myself. My husband walks in the door and I'm irritated with him. I can't say why but I am!
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AnGLInterrupted
by Kendall on Oct. 22, 2012 at 11:46 AM
1 mom liked this

Honestly, you guys dated mostly while high.  Now that you're both sober you're having to adjust to things and get to know each other again.  It's taking some time, especially now that there's a child in the mix.  You're discovering new things about each other that you probably glossed over before because you were high.

I would absolutely put my foot down with his parents about the cigarettes and soda.  Soda..  I'm a little lenient on.  My 5yo gets orange soda when she goes fishing with her daddy.  But the cigarettes; OMGosh!!??  I would tell them (not so politely) that even if they ARE joking, it needs to stop ASAP!!

As for the sex/masturbation thing, I can see where you're coming from, but honestly if you're not giving it to him, would you rather him jerk it in the shower or find another chick?  Seriously?  That's crude and I'm sorry but that's how a lot of men think (notice I didn't say all men).

I can understand that it hurts you and I'm sure he understands as well.  But not allowing him to "release" himself is setting yourself up for disappointment IMO.

I wish you guys luck and I congratulate you on being sober!!  :)

GypsyRayne
by Member on Oct. 22, 2012 at 4:33 PM

I have been checked for intercystial cystitis(don't know how to spell it) as well, the dr told me the lining of my bladder was healthy, however I still have the same symptoms. A different dr told me last week after looking at my chart that the first dr, the one who checked me put in my chart that he thought i had chronic IC. So I am going back to him and hopefully he will treat me this time.

I told you that to tell you this, if you search online you can find many things that may help you. It won't cure it but may make it less painful. On thing I remember reading has a lot to do with diet. If you give up things that are acidic, it may be less painful. I know this to be true, because as I told you I was checked for this before and given info by the dr and searched online. So I started paying attention to these things.

When was it that I noticed it was at it's worst, what had I eaten or drank. This type of thing. For example, orange juice bothers me really badly. I love it, but I rarely drink it.

If you haven't already, it may do you good to look into this.

xxshelbyxxx
by Member on Oct. 23, 2012 at 8:37 AM
Quoting Bl3ss3dMommi:

I hope this don't sound horrible but it sounds a little like you have some control issues that you need to work our personally. My hubby and i come from 2 different backgrounds is family was perfect mom an dad married the American life he didn't do drugs or anything. I am a product of an affair my dad was never around and my mom didn't care i done drugs till i found out i was preg. With my dd. I made the choice to do better for her i left her dad he didn't want better I've know my hubby and we reunited been together since she was 9 months old. I'm loud and he's quiet we are complete opposites but we make it work and i learned to pick my battles. You can't change were he's from just except it and move on. My hubby has changed allot in the 8 years we have been together y'all are still young. I wish ya luck and congrats on getting clean it takes alot.



Wait, so you left him at first then reunited, your babys dad? Or you left your baby's dad then got together with an old flame awhile back and have been happy with HIM since? Confused there sorry. I don't think its so much control as it is impatience and irritability. I've accepted his background I just mentioned it all because I think that's a big reason why he isn't up to par with the things I've always done (chewin w mouth closed, sayin please and thanks when applicable, being involved in family get together conversations, excusing yourself when you burp or fart, etc etc). I wish I could explain better the things he does that upset me because theyre really dumb but that's why they upset me so! Cuz he makes himself seem like a moron! My anger counselor said i may be mad at myself deep down for choosing him or just not realsing I'm not in love with him anymore...ugh, it worries me because nothing he does turns me on, watching him sleep disgusts me, but I don't try to control him, I just can't stand most of what he does...but thanks for your suggestion, its appreciated! I definitely think I accepted it I just don't get why he does such dumb things. Thank you again!
xxshelbyxxx
by Member on Oct. 23, 2012 at 8:47 AM
Quoting Ksmomy:

First congratulations to both of you for being clean and sober for so long!
I think most women go through this at some point in a relationship. Mine started after our dd was born.
I agree with pp that some of these sound like control issues. I'd say pick you battles and talk to him about those!

As for the sex part. Who would want to have sex if it hurt. Right now you're associating sex with pain that you don't like. So you don't get turned on! I don't know how to help with that except to focus on trying to reconnect with him in a different way than just sexually.

As for him not being the man of your dreams for the father of your child or the family. You said he's great in other ways. He works and takes care of you guys. Maybe if you continue to look at all the good he does when he's making you nuts it might change the way you're seeing him.

I was you luck. I haven't been able to figure this out for myself. My husband walks in the door and I'm irritated with him. I can't say why but I am!



Yeah I guess you're probably right about picking my battles, which is what PP said. But like you said, he irritates me when he walks in the door and its for the dumbest reasons! I just can't seen to stop getting impatient with him. The sex thing you're right about- I have a strong feeling its the pain that makes me unable to even think about sex for a millisecond. But as a guy he doesnt seem to understand why I can't 'deal' with the pain, let him use his tongue or fingers (which still hurts) or just blow him once in awhile...he's seen the looks I make when we tried doin it months ago so he KNOWS the pain is bad. We do connect In other ways, especially music and plain ole deep conversation, but I worry the sex thing will eventually make him bored and leave (though I've asked him and he said that's the last thing he wants and the wait is worth it and sometimes even exciting).

Sorry my response is so long but you made a very good point that I need to focus more on the positive stuff cuz he's an awesome father, a perfect father. But then hell do something so incredibly idiotic that all the happy thoughts fly through the window!
jamamama00
by Bronze Member on Oct. 23, 2012 at 8:55 AM

I've been married for a while, and I can tell you that I think it's perfectly normal to go through periods where you just don't like your spouse that much. At some point, you'll probably be on the other end of it (with him not really that interested in you that much.) Those phases used to really bother me and freak me out, but over time, I've learned to ride it out and we always end up happier than ever. I also know that I have a high sex drive, and it sounds like you do, too. If I haven't gotten laid in a while, I get very pissy w/ my DH. It's even kind of a joke with us now....I'll snap at him sometimes and he'll be like, "Does Mama need some Daddy time?" He knows LOL. I'm wondering if your sex issue is putting you on the edge and causing you to get aggravated more easily? Otherwise, I think that the early years of marriage are a lot about learning to deal with the "annoying things"...in your case his family and different backgrounds. Sometimes those little issues can manifest into huge differences that make the relationship no longer sustainable. But other times, they are things that you learn to manage over time in a way that pleases both of you. I've read studies that say that when people want to divorce, but just stay with it for one reason or another,,,something like eighty percent of the time they report later that they are very glad they didn't. I know at times I read that and scoffed and thought, "OMG I can't see myself here w/ him in five days, let alone five years." Then a while later I would laugh at how dramatic I was being. I would advise that you stick w/ it for a while and see if things change. Find a goal to focus on...like maybe getting back in school and working toward a career. Sometimes making yourself super busy is a great way to take your mind off the little things. Please be easy on your husband...you don't want him to get so stressed that he reverts back to his old habits. Everyone needs to be shown love. So your vagina doesn't work? What do you think your mouth is for? LOL just kidding! But seriously, you're gonna have to at least try to show him some affection even if you're not feeling it. A realationship can't go on w/o it....

xxshelbyxxx
by Member on Oct. 23, 2012 at 9:10 AM
Quoting AnGLInterrupted:

Honestly, you guys dated mostly while high.  Now that you're both sober you're having to adjust to things and get to know each other again.  It's taking some time, especially now that there's a child in the mix.  You're discovering new things about each other that you probably glossed over before because you were high.

I would absolutely put my foot down with his parents about the cigarettes and soda.  Soda..  I'm a little lenient on.  My 5yo gets orange soda when she goes fishing with her daddy.  But the cigarettes; OMGosh!!??  I would tell them (not so politely) that even if they ARE joking, it needs to stop ASAP!!

As for the sex/masturbation thing, I can see where you're coming from, but honestly if you're not giving it to him, would you rather him jerk it in the shower or find another chick?  Seriously?  That's crude and I'm sorry but that's how a lot of men think (notice I didn't say all men).

I can understand that it hurts you and I'm sure he understands as well.  But not allowing him to "release" himself is setting yourself up for disappointment IMO.

I wish you guys luck and I congratulate you on being sober!!  :)




What you said about the sobriety is completely true and definitley a big part of the reason that so many things bother me about him, this we learned in tons of groups/counseling at the treatment center, along with our current relationship counselor. It makes sense that we didn't deally know eachother before because we werent ourselves and had lower standards and inhibitions, but I worry that even after I get to fully know him that I won't love the real him and never will because I fell in 'love' with him when he was a stoner bum. 17 months of being sober together, I know a lot about him and I honestly think I don't enjoy the real Tim and that's ny issue. But neways trust me I've said numerous times not to make comments about smoking to our son but never to HER because she's just like Tim and takes it personal and freaks out. I hoped tim would say something to her but he tells me 'she's joking and would never actually do anything we didn't okay as parents for our son.' I wish I could believe that because they've done tons to help and always offer their help, money, advice etc when needed. BUT I can't fully believe they'd heSitate to offer pop or cigs to LO if he asked (when hes older obviously) because I begged them to quit smokin inside their house COMPLETELY because even jasper aortic in the second hand smoke for five hours every other weekend isn't good for him, they 'agreed' and Said they'd stopped. We came home smelling like smoke and I'd show tim and he 'couldn't smell it' but the next visit I told him I saw her full ass ashtray in their room upstairs when i took jasper up to nurse him in BFs old room (across from theirs). He confronted his DAD NOT MOM and grandpa says 'oh good thing ya told me and not ur mom cuz I'm the one who smokes inside before work, not her, so shed be mad if she knew you guys found out.' So he didn't say a word to her but just said he'd stop smoking inside before work! I frickin do not believe it was just him or that it was just before work because our clothes still stink after visiting and a few visits back when we were all outside on the deck, I smoked a cigarette and handed BFs mom her lighter back and she goes 'yeah we can't lose this one its our outside lighter'. I wanted to say somethin then cuz I definitely don't think she realized she called herself out but I didn't and instead brought it up with BF en route home. He said 'that doesn't mean they smoke inside it means that's their lighter for outside.' If they're differentiating outside and inside lighters then obviously ones for OUT and ones for IN. Ugh! And pop- it'd be different if he were 3 and gettin a special occasion drink with daddy but they drink Pepsi and mountain dew like water so it'd be his only option over there especially if he sees them ONLy drinking that!

Anyways , sorry my replies are so long but BBC and CM are my outlets because I get so many different opinions/suggestions that its better then asking say my ma who'd be one sided always or a friend whose never been through what i got goin on. But I didn't get many replies to this post and that's probably because I talk to frickin much! Oops! One last thing though, the sex. I also 100% get what you're saying and I'd definitely rather have him jerkin it in the shower then screwin a hoe, but i can't will myself to not be grossed out. Trust me I hate it! I don't want to feel this way but for some reason I get nauseated thinkin of him pleasuring himSELF with his own hands like makin faces and orgasm-ing. I'm stupid and naive I know. I wish I could think
otherwise cuz even my ma says I shouldnt care about him jacking off. But thanks so much for your input, its helped a lot and made see things from a better, newer less naive perspective! And thanks a million for the congrats on sobriety. I still like hearing ppl tell me congrats because every day I remind myself where I used to be and where I'm at now and the changes people see in me. So thanks again mama! Xox
xxshelbyxxx
by Member on Oct. 23, 2012 at 9:14 AM
Quoting GypsyRayne:

I have been checked for intercystial cystitis(don't know how to spell it) as well, the dr told me the lining of my bladder was healthy, however I still have the same symptoms. A different dr told me last week after looking at my chart that the first dr, the one who checked me put in my chart that he thought i had chronic IC. So I am going back to him and hopefully he will treat me this time.


I told you that to tell you this, if you search online you can find many things that may help you. It won't cure it but may make it less painful. On thing I remember reading has a lot to do with diet. If you give up things that are acidic, it may be less painful. I know this to be true, because as I told you I was checked for this before and given info by the dr and searched online. So I started paying attention to these things.


When was it that I noticed it was at it's worst, what had I eaten or drank. This type of thing. For example, orange juice bothers me really badly. I love it, but I rarely drink it.


If you haven't already, it may do you good to look into this.




Oh wow cool! Thanks so much! My doc did actually tell me there's a few things that'll make it more painful involved in my food drink intake but he didn't specify and I don't exactly know what to search for or what would be legitimate. Coffee makes me worse but the other day I hadn't had any and my 'area' was burning like a UTI burn and it lasted the whole day. Is there any meds or remedies that worked with pain? Doc prescribed me lidocaine gel but it doesnt help at all!
AtiFreeFalls
by Bronze Member on Oct. 23, 2012 at 9:18 AM
If his tongue and fingers hurt, it sounds like vulvodynia, which is a condition where the vulva and vaginal opening are painful without a known cause. It is believed that there is a psychological aspect to it. And with everything that you have been through, it wouldn't be surprising if you did have some psychological damage on top of the cystitis. If you don't mind telling, where does it hurt and how does it feel? Where does it hurt during intercourse, oral sex and manual stimulation? Does it hurt if YOU stimulate yourself? Have you even tried that with your aversion to maturation? (I have studied conditions of the reproductive system especially as related to childbirth and I might be able to help... you can message me too)

As for little things getting under your skin, I agree that it seems partly a control issue, partly having to get to know each other, partly sexual frustration/discontent and partly just that he has some annoying habits lol. Living with someone is hard. Everyone has things about them that are annoying and unattractive. Talk to your counselor about dealing with control issues and treating psychological trauma, which may help if you do have vulvodynia.

Hope this helps!
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