he disgusts me, am i normal or not in love anymore?
Sorry this is going to be longer then I thought because I wasn't going to say anything about us before the baby because I didn't used to think it was related but after counseling and internal questioning, I've realized it probably has a lot to do with the way we get along now, so I had to add that. But please I beg of you all, don't be judgemental, harsh, critical or mean because this wasn't a post about my former drug use, its about the situation I face now. Thanks!
14 months later my son is thriving in everything he does, amazing us at every blink, and making us happier every day that we had this chance to change our lives and have meaning to them. But for the last four months or so, everything my bf does drives me nuts, literally to yelling and arguing. Most of it is very dumb little 'squabbles' (as our really cool relationship counselor puts it, who we started seeing three weeks ago) rather then fighting about actual problems. We were raised very differently and come from two complete opposite sides of the tracks. His parents are hillbillys, anti social, cigarette smokers, Harley bike riders, screw-government-and religion type people (but theyre very nice and love me and my family both, and its tims dad that's those things mostly but both parents are hillbillies and his mom is very very uneducated like can't spell, explain things that 5 year olds know, yet she works as a nurse and reads books like she's a genius). I know this sounds judgmental but im tryin to show you all that he gets certain things from them and hell probably never change which is hard for me to accept. His parents chew with their mouths open, don't see 20-minute-away relatives on holidays, gave their son cigs at 12 and smoked in their home his entire life. (Also tim was molested when he was 8-12 by a neighborhood guy and didn't tell his parents til he was 21 and they brought him to counseling but he left after two sessions cuz he was doing drugs and the lady refused to help til he quit using. His parents didn't try to get him back, get him more or different help, or even see if he was ok. The only reason I bring this up Is because I don't get how his mom never noticed a THING different about her 8-12 yr old son. It bothers me because no matter what tim says about not acting different as a kid, its a fact that any person whose been abused is going to have SOMETHING noticeably different about them, usually something only a mother can notice about her own kid. My mom noticed if I was upset about a boy, grades, friends, etc right away. she definitely would've noticed somethin about me if I was being abused.) His parents drink pop only and she talks about jasper asking her for cigs and pop soon! Those are just some but the main things that set them apart from the way my family is. Also, he got bad grades in school and they didn't try to help or get him help. My family had no junk food in the house especially pop until I was like 13 and then it was cheez its or cookies but not cupboards full. I had milk with dinner and lunch (still love milk to this day) and MAYbe one pop every couple days. Neither of my parents smoke and never have. My parents taught me table and social manners so I've chewed with my mouth closed since I knew how, said thanks your welcome bless you to others. Tim never does these things. I'm glad GE agreed with me though about smoking, we stopped smoking in the car two weeks before jasper was born and haven't smoked In it since. (We got a new car when he was 2 months and he was in the NICU until 6 weeks old though so there was a good 8 weeks for the car to air out, plus our rigourous cleaning job) we never smoked around him, in the house, holding him. His parents don't see why they have to wash their hands every time they smoke. Ok I gotta stop cuz I've taken up way too much time explaining the dumb crap that makes our families so different instead of getting to the point.
So a lot of things he does is because of how he was raised and I know they won't change. He's getting better at some things but its so hard to deal with! Im in anger management because I was thinkin maybe its just me and my irritability causing me to let him upset me. I have a very short temper with him, inpatient and just plain irritated at all he does. So anyways, were going to couples counseling and the counselor is awesome and I'm hoping hell help us communicate better so we don't fight. But in our private talk with him he asked if I love him and I said i don't nbow because he's not the guy I thought I loved when we met at a concert smoking pot and LSD. At that point I never thought I'd be off drugs, living a real responsible life, or especially having a babe and a family. So i thought he was perfect for me because we had so much in common and made eachother laugh nonstop. We had sex like Jack rabbits up until I got pregnant, then it was every few weeks but he wasn't all there because he hadn't gotten sober yet. After delivery, we had sex In the private breastfeeding room in the NICU only 2 weeks after delivering and it hurt but I figured that was just from the delivery. Fast forward two months, 3 months after delivery I go to my OBGYN and she checks me out and says it shouldn't hurt anymore because everythings back to normal. She sends me to w urologist and I'm diagnosed with Inner Cystial cystitis which is permanent. It means the bladder wall is inflamed always and it causes UTI like symptoms and pain during sex. I can't take the medication that'd make the pain go away until I'm breastfeeding which I'm still doing at 14 months and probably will til age 2 at least. Even after this discovery I had sex with the pain but it was never fun, pleasurable or anything to look forward to and nothing he did got me in the mood. I even used lidocaine to numb the entire area. So I completely stopped having sex because its never good for me. But the problem is that I don't even have a need or urge to..ever. sometimes at night I get disgusted at night wondering if ill ever be attracted to tim like I used to be. AND IM SUPER WEIRD when it comes to masturbating, like I hate him doing it or the thought of it even though its normal for every guy to do it even if they're married, in love, etc etc. I caught him once and freaked out on him so I know he doesn't do it at home anymore but he's gotta be doing it somewhere right? He has needs that im not meeting. I don't even like him taking long showers. I get grossed out when he has a huge boner in the AM and wish he wouldn't. I know I'm completely in the wrong here for thinkin this way but I can't seem to help it or will myself to think otherwise like a normal woman!
I do think I love him sometimes and he's the best father in the world so I'd never want jasper to be without him. But I get so mad at everything he does because he does things that common sensed people don't do and I get so mad he's that...dumb sometimes! Ugh I know this is really Long and I'm sorry but theres so much involved in it all. So I wonder if I'm still in love or I'm completely out of love and that's why I feel this way towards him?! What is goinf on here?