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How much time do you spend... (Update new question)

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How much time do you spend away from DH on average? I'm having this huge problem right now with DH never being home and when I bring it up, he says that he needs time away from me. Yet, i'm the one working and pregnant and taking care of the house, so what does he have to complain about? I want time away from him too, but he is never here, or he's here for two minutes then runs off.

He even said these exact words "Married couples don't spend time together."

I said "Yes, they do. I know plenty of couples that do."

His response "Then they are doing something wrong."

Seriously? So how much time apart do ya'll spend, and does it work for both of you?

 

UPDATE: So, I wanted to elaborate because I was getting questions about how my husband acts. I have no problem with him getting guy time away from me. I know I like my time to myeslf or time with girls, BUT here is how my life has been lately. DH doesn't think it's necessary to spend a day with me, or much uninterrupted time at all. He is constantly at a friend's house, doing something for them or hanging out or whatever. Meanwhile, he's jobless and has been for awhile. I can't get him to put in serious effort towards getting one and bills are piling up. I got a job to add a supplemental income, not a main. I work part time and am 26 weeks pregnant and going through college. I take care of the house and errands, and handle finances. He does...basically nothing any more. It's gone very far down hill. When he does say he'll do something, like go to the store today for example, I find him later at his friend's having not even gone in the first place.

We do communicate. Or, I try, I should say. I bring it up all the time. One time he told me "nothing he does is good enough for me anymore and I don't act like I want to be married." But it's hard to act like it and not get pissed when he's never here. He's not my husband, he's my roommate who occassionally eats with me (to a point) and I have sex with at times. I can't even get him to come to bed to cuddle or just lay with me and talk. He comes to bed around 2-5 am every morning. By then I'm sleeping, obviously, since I work at 6am.

What can I do to make him understand? I've even brought up that I'm afraid of raising the baby alone because he's never here now, much less when Zoey is born. He thought I was just being unreasonable. RIght now, we can't afford counciling and my insurance won't cover it, but soon I'm switching and it will. Until then....help?!?

by on Nov. 14, 2012 at 5:31 PM
Replies (31-40):
Megan11587
by Megan on Nov. 14, 2012 at 9:16 PM
When we are not working and he is not in class I'd say we are together 90% of the time. That being said, during the week we are together about 35% of the time. He goes to school 4 nights a week :(
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clz0213
by on Nov. 14, 2012 at 9:17 PM

That's different. I'm not asking him to be with me 24/7. He'd probably drive me nuts lol. But he should want to spend time with me. I'm glad to see so many women do live like that and agree with me, because when he comes home (not here go figure) he's going to get to see these and see hopefully how foolish he's being by thinking "married couples don't spend time together"


 

Quoting Kaybean:

I forgot to answer your question, lol. We spend a lot of time together. He workable full time out of the house. My DH goes out maybe once a month. Otherwise, he has guys over to watch football. I go out like once a week for a couple hours. I also leave to shop and get groceries, etc, but that isn't the same as partying or hanging kit with friends. If we're not out, we're home together. I do sometimes go upstairs and watch LMN (like I am riht now, lol) while he watches a game or something.


kristina0121
by on Nov. 14, 2012 at 9:20 PM
Trust me, I am grateful every day for what I have. My kids dad and I were married for 5 years and he wasn't attentive at all. He would come home, go to basement for video games and pot while I did everything! He would come up at 730 when I left for work. He put the kids to bed at 8 and went back to basement. I got home at 1230am and he would still be down there. I went to sleep alone every night. It sucked and its easy to get depressed!
I will say my current SO saw everything I went through. He was my exs best friend. He watched me get treated like dirt and I think that's why he is so wonderful. He sees whi I ak and how hard I wilk work for my family. He knows I deserve to be taken care of and he's allowed me to feel like I deserve it! Its a great thing. (Just to clear it up, I left my husband because of his behavior and infidelity before I ever go involved with my SO) but we have lived together for over a year now and I swear he treats me better today than ever.

I think its really important to be with someone who sees your worth. I needed it so much and it makes life wonderful to have a true partner. I really hope you guys can work things out. I had no choice but divorce. I don't regret it at all because I am truly happy, but I believe in honoring commitment of marriage and I hope you two can work it out! My heart feels for you. Stay strong!


Quoting clz0213:

This is what I want and how I think it should be. Right now he thinks that spending our lives together just means our names are on the same piece of paper leasing our house. That isn't living together or spending our lives together. It's just...co-existing. I'm envious that you have that, but happy for you. I wish I did. I've seen glimmers of it. I know it's there...but I don't know how to bring it out on a regular basis and I'm so frustrated.



 



Quoting kristina0121:
We spend most our free time together. Not because I make him, but because he wants to! He loves all 4 of our kids and loves playing with them. He loves me and loves rubbing my back or feet. He even will rub my hair til I fall asleep. To me, that's how it should be. Your man should want to take care of you and you should take care of him. We both get alone time and social time. But still... we spend our lives together because we love eachother and want to be with eachother.




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Kaybean
by Bronze Member on Nov. 14, 2012 at 9:21 PM
Yeah, I mean it's not only okay but also healthy to have time apart and have friends, but it shouldn't be excessive. Once a week or so I think would be good, but every day while out of work to top it off? No way. My DH LOVES spending time with me. I think it's ridiculous that he thinks married couples don't want to spend time together. If I'm gone, my DH will text me and tell me he misses me and can't wait to see me, lol.


Quoting clz0213:

That's different. I'm not asking him to be with me 24/7. He'd probably drive me nuts lol. But he should want to spend time with me. I'm glad to see so many women do live like that and agree with me, because when he comes home (not here go figure) he's going to get to see these and see hopefully how foolish he's being by thinking "married couples don't spend time together"



 


Quoting Kaybean:

I forgot to answer your question, lol. We spend a lot of time together. He workable full time out of the house. My DH goes out maybe once a month. Otherwise, he has guys over to watch football. I go out like once a week for a couple hours. I also leave to shop and get groceries, etc, but that isn't the same as partying or hanging kit with friends. If we're not out, we're home together. I do sometimes go upstairs and watch LMN (like I am riht now, lol) while he watches a game or something.



Posted on CafeMom Mobile
clz0213
by on Nov. 14, 2012 at 9:25 PM

I am trying, but with the stress of everything being on me and the pregnancy hormones making me semi-insane anyways, it's hard. I'm glad you found your match. I'm really hoping things will level out, since they weren't always like this. At the same time, I'm terrified of them getting worse. I'd hate to tear up my family, but I won't stay with him just because he's my baby's father. If enough time goes by and things won't change or they get worse...I guess it just wasn't meant to be. For now, I'm optimistic. Maybe he'll get it out of his system. Thank you :)


 

Quoting kristina0121:

Trust me, I am grateful every day for what I have. My kids dad and I were married for 5 years and he wasn't attentive at all. He would come home, go to basement for video games and pot while I did everything! He would come up at 730 when I left for work. He put the kids to bed at 8 and went back to basement. I got home at 1230am and he would still be down there. I went to sleep alone every night. It sucked and its easy to get depressed!
I will say my current SO saw everything I went through. He was my exs best friend. He watched me get treated like dirt and I think that's why he is so wonderful. He sees whi I ak and how hard I wilk work for my family. He knows I deserve to be taken care of and he's allowed me to feel like I deserve it! Its a great thing. (Just to clear it up, I left my husband because of his behavior and infidelity before I ever go involved with my SO) but we have lived together for over a year now and I swear he treats me better today than ever.

I think its really important to be with someone who sees your worth. I needed it so much and it makes life wonderful to have a true partner. I really hope you guys can work things out. I had no choice but divorce. I don't regret it at all because I am truly happy, but I believe in honoring commitment of marriage and I hope you two can work it out! My heart feels for you. Stay strong!


Quoting clz0213:

This is what I want and how I think it should be. Right now he thinks that spending our lives together just means our names are on the same piece of paper leasing our house. That isn't living together or spending our lives together. It's just...co-existing. I'm envious that you have that, but happy for you. I wish I did. I've seen glimmers of it. I know it's there...but I don't know how to bring it out on a regular basis and I'm so frustrated.



 



Quoting kristina0121:
We spend most our free time together. Not because I make him, but because he wants to! He loves all 4 of our kids and loves playing with them. He loves me and loves rubbing my back or feet. He even will rub my hair til I fall asleep. To me, that's how it should be. Your man should want to take care of you and you should take care of him. We both get alone time and social time. But still... we spend our lives together because we love eachother and want to be with eachother.


 



clz0213
by on Nov. 14, 2012 at 9:28 PM

See here's the kicker...when I come home from work, he's complaining almost every day how lonely he is. But then he leaves me here all the time? Does he not think I get lonely? I mean, I know I'm growing a human but she's not exactly much for company while still in me lol. It's so confusing. Why not go over there when I'm at work? And he's constantly trying to get me to go hang out too, which I do at times. But when I'm over there, he seems to look for excuses to get me to go back to the house or run to do something. So then what's the point of inviting me? Ugh....so frustrating lol


 

Quoting Kaybean:

Yeah, I mean it's not only okay but also healthy to have time apart and have friends, but it shouldn't be excessive. Once a week or so I think would be good, but every day while out of work to top it off? No way. My DH LOVES spending time with me. I think it's ridiculous that he thinks married couples don't want to spend time together. If I'm gone, my DH will text me and tell me he misses me and can't wait to see me, lol.


Quoting clz0213:

That's different. I'm not asking him to be with me 24/7. He'd probably drive me nuts lol. But he should want to spend time with me. I'm glad to see so many women do live like that and agree with me, because when he comes home (not here go figure) he's going to get to see these and see hopefully how foolish he's being by thinking "married couples don't spend time together"



 


Quoting Kaybean:

I forgot to answer your question, lol. We spend a lot of time together. He workable full time out of the house. My DH goes out maybe once a month. Otherwise, he has guys over to watch football. I go out like once a week for a couple hours. I also leave to shop and get groceries, etc, but that isn't the same as partying or hanging kit with friends. If we're not out, we're home together. I do sometimes go upstairs and watch LMN (like I am riht now, lol) while he watches a game or something.

 



KyrinM
by on Nov. 14, 2012 at 9:39 PM
DH & I are always together, if we aren't working or sleeping we are always with each other. We don't like being apart. We did enough of that in the beginning, once you spend 18 months apart, you really just want to be with the other as much as you can. So your DH saying it isn't needed, well I think he is dead wrong, relationships don't maintain themselves, it takes work & dedication & oh ya, time together! Sounds like he thinks he is still a teenager, he has less than 10 weeks to get his shit together because you aren't going to be working right away after the baby is born, who will support his lazy butt then? Disconnect the video games, tell the friends they need to stop enabling his childish behavior & if they want to help, get on his ass about finding a damn job!
clz0213
by on Nov. 14, 2012 at 9:40 PM

Lol thank you. I'm glad we can agree.


 

Quoting KyrinM:

DH & I are always together, if we aren't working or sleeping we are always with each other. We don't like being apart. We did enough of that in the beginning, once you spend 18 months apart, you really just want to be with the other as much as you can. So your DH saying it isn't needed, well I think he is dead wrong, relationships don't maintain themselves, it takes work & dedication & oh ya, time together! Sounds like he thinks he is still a teenager, he has less than 10 weeks to get his shit together because you aren't going to be working right away after the baby is born, who will support his lazy butt then? Disconnect the video games, tell the friends they need to stop enabling his childish behavior & if they want to help, get on his ass about finding a damn job!


KyrinM
by on Nov. 14, 2012 at 9:48 PM
1 mom liked this
Quoting clz0213:

Lol thank you. I'm glad we can agree.


 

Quoting KyrinM:

DH & I are always together, if we aren't working or sleeping we are always with each other. We don't like being apart. We did enough of that in the beginning, once you spend 18 months apart, you really just want to be with the other as much as you can. So your DH saying it isn't needed, well I think he is dead wrong, relationships don't maintain themselves, it takes work & dedication & oh ya, time together! Sounds like he thinks he is still a teenager, he has less than 10 weeks to get his shit together because you aren't going to be working right away after the baby is born, who will support his lazy butt then? Disconnect the video games, tell the friends they need to stop enabling his childish behavior & if they want to help, get on his ass about finding a damn job!


Grins, I like to think I am more than a pretty face! LOL! Good luck, sweetie, if he doesn't grow up soon, kick him out & make him make it out there on his own, you have enough on your plate without dealing with him mooching off you, baby daddy or not! If he doesn't want to be a responsible adult, tell him to move back in with Mom, cause you aren't her, & you are tired of his crap.
LovinLife81
by on Nov. 14, 2012 at 10:02 PM

I had surgury a few weeks ago so right now we are together all the time. He and I both work so normally in a week about 25 hours together on average. I hope that it gets better for yousoon.

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