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How much time do you spend... (Update new question)

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How much time do you spend away from DH on average? I'm having this huge problem right now with DH never being home and when I bring it up, he says that he needs time away from me. Yet, i'm the one working and pregnant and taking care of the house, so what does he have to complain about? I want time away from him too, but he is never here, or he's here for two minutes then runs off.

He even said these exact words "Married couples don't spend time together."

I said "Yes, they do. I know plenty of couples that do."

His response "Then they are doing something wrong."

Seriously? So how much time apart do ya'll spend, and does it work for both of you?

 

UPDATE: So, I wanted to elaborate because I was getting questions about how my husband acts. I have no problem with him getting guy time away from me. I know I like my time to myeslf or time with girls, BUT here is how my life has been lately. DH doesn't think it's necessary to spend a day with me, or much uninterrupted time at all. He is constantly at a friend's house, doing something for them or hanging out or whatever. Meanwhile, he's jobless and has been for awhile. I can't get him to put in serious effort towards getting one and bills are piling up. I got a job to add a supplemental income, not a main. I work part time and am 26 weeks pregnant and going through college. I take care of the house and errands, and handle finances. He does...basically nothing any more. It's gone very far down hill. When he does say he'll do something, like go to the store today for example, I find him later at his friend's having not even gone in the first place.

We do communicate. Or, I try, I should say. I bring it up all the time. One time he told me "nothing he does is good enough for me anymore and I don't act like I want to be married." But it's hard to act like it and not get pissed when he's never here. He's not my husband, he's my roommate who occassionally eats with me (to a point) and I have sex with at times. I can't even get him to come to bed to cuddle or just lay with me and talk. He comes to bed around 2-5 am every morning. By then I'm sleeping, obviously, since I work at 6am.

What can I do to make him understand? I've even brought up that I'm afraid of raising the baby alone because he's never here now, much less when Zoey is born. He thought I was just being unreasonable. RIght now, we can't afford counciling and my insurance won't cover it, but soon I'm switching and it will. Until then....help?!?

by on Nov. 14, 2012 at 5:31 PM
Replies (41-50):
ohboymommyof2
by on Nov. 15, 2012 at 8:05 AM
He sounds depressed. Loosing his job with a baby on the way is probably freaking him out and he dosent know how to deal with it so instead of dealing with it he is shutting down. U need to trap him and talk to him tell him how much u love him and how he is going to be a great father. But the only way he can be a great dad is to get out of this funk he is in. He probably feels worthless and that's why he is acting worthless. Tell him he needs to sit down and talk with u before its to late and if u wait for a counsler it may be to late. If he is hanging out with people who sells drugs u don't want him to start selling, using or being there when the cops bust the place. Do u think he started using the drugs his friend is selling? Good luck!
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Mrs.tezzy
by on Nov. 15, 2012 at 9:03 AM
My hubby and I try to spend as much qt as possible. We try to make one date night a week. That's just for us no friends. But we do BBQ once a week and invite friends over. My hubby is a very busy man he works full time and also does his music on the side and host a radio show every sun so he is stretched for time but some how he always finds a lil time to remind me why we got married. I will tell u this. Last yr we were in the same boat as u I was pregnant and it took me leaving for things to start getting better. We separated for 3 months and when I moved back we agreed that a lot of work had to be done on both parts if our marriage is going to work. Now our baby is 4 months and he has a job. Yay!! With me it took a diaristic step to make both of us realize what we were doing wrong.
Hanab818
by on Nov. 15, 2012 at 11:13 AM
We get his work days apart. Then onto of that 2 times a month each for alone me time to go out with friends. And 1 date night a month no kids. And I go to the gym every other day.
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lactatingloon
by on Nov. 15, 2012 at 11:20 AM
We are only apart when we are working about 53 hours a week apart
furbabymum
by Gold Member on Nov. 15, 2012 at 11:41 AM

 So, I've used my own marriage as an example before. This is how I see things:

My DH was an unmedicated, undiagnosed bipolar for the first 5 years of our marriage. I put up with a lot of things then that looking back on I want to smack myself for. However, I finally had enough. Even though he worked a great job, supported me and was really rather great I couldn't take the "episodes" anymore and he cheated on me. So I told him what he had to do to keep me and he did it. He didn't complain. He didn't try to blame things on me. He went to the ER and turned himself in as suicidal so he could start treatment immediately. To this day, almost 4 years later, he sees 4 counselors (including our marriage counselor) and takes medication every day. I love him now more than ever and our marriage couldn't be better.

Sounds idealic but I can tell you with 100% certainty that if he ever stopped his medication and stopped going to all his counselors I would leave him in a heart beat. I'm not going back there. I'm worth more than that. I deserve to have a loving and stable marriage. I deserve to be treated right. I deserve to be respected.

Guess what. You deserve that too. Right now you are putting up with things and making excuses and claiming love. I get it. I've been there. I've totally been in denial and entrenched in fear of the unknown. I know how you feel. You don't have to though. You can stand up for yourself and what you DESERVE. You and your unborn child deserve a man who gives a shit and takes responsibility when he fucks up. If you take your stand and he's not willing to step up, well, you will be better off. Way better off. If you take your stand and your DH responds like mine, well, life will be difficult for awhile. We didn't change overnight. But change happened and it is enough to swell my heart when I think about all he's done for me and our children. There are men like this out there. If yours isn't one then you need to move on.

Quoting clz0213:

He had a job and lost it, but that was about a month ago and he hadn't held that job very long. Right now, yes, I'm technically supporting him and his mother helps us because my check isn't enough. I got the job as a supplemental income while I'm finishing college and pregnant, not as something to maintain the household and all the bills. As for why he doesn't clean the house, I don't know. I literally left four days worth of dishes once to see if he'd do anything about it, and he didn't. We don't have any other children, other than his daughter from another women that we were trying to get custody of. He's, obviously, not getting far with that being jobless and financially hurting.

I can't say he contributes zero, but I'd easily say I put in about 97% and I get about 3%. Even our families all remark about it. I'm getting extremely fed up.

Quoting furbabymum:

 So just as a clarifier, does your DH not work? Do you support him? If yes, why doesn't he clean the house? Does he at least care for your children?

If he's really contributing 0 to the relationship and isn't willing to change....you don't have a relationship.

 

 

clz0213
by on Nov. 15, 2012 at 12:00 PM
This made me tear up and its because its true. Slowly though I'm losing fear of the unknown and more of growing to resent my husband and that isn't a way of life either. I'm not sure what to do but i know that something has to be done and if its that drastic everyone has already told me they support me even his family. So we shall see how things go. If he breaks his word of spending time with me again today then shit will hit the fan I'm a big and messy way.


Quoting furbabymum:

 So, I've used my own marriage as an example before. This is how I see things:


My DH was an unmedicated, undiagnosed bipolar for the first 5 years of our marriage. I put up with a lot of things then that looking back on I want to smack myself for. However, I finally had enough. Even though he worked a great job, supported me and was really rather great I couldn't take the "episodes" anymore and he cheated on me. So I told him what he had to do to keep me and he did it. He didn't complain. He didn't try to blame things on me. He went to the ER and turned himself in as suicidal so he could start treatment immediately. To this day, almost 4 years later, he sees 4 counselors (including our marriage counselor) and takes medication every day. I love him now more than ever and our marriage couldn't be better.


Sounds idealic but I can tell you with 100% certainty that if he ever stopped his medication and stopped going to all his counselors I would leave him in a heart beat. I'm not going back there. I'm worth more than that. I deserve to have a loving and stable marriage. I deserve to be treated right. I deserve to be respected.


Guess what. You deserve that too. Right now you are putting up with things and making excuses and claiming love. I get it. I've been there. I've totally been in denial and entrenched in fear of the unknown. I know how you feel. You don't have to though. You can stand up for yourself and what you DESERVE. You and your unborn child deserve a man who gives a shit and takes responsibility when he fucks up. If you take your stand and he's not willing to step up, well, you will be better off. Way better off. If you take your stand and your DH responds like mine, well, life will be difficult for awhile. We didn't change overnight. But change happened and it is enough to swell my heart when I think about all he's done for me and our children. There are men like this out there. If yours isn't one then you need to move on.


Quoting clz0213:


He had a job and lost it, but that was about a month ago and he hadn't held that job very long. Right now, yes, I'm technically supporting him and his mother helps us because my check isn't enough. I got the job as a supplemental income while I'm finishing college and pregnant, not as something to maintain the household and all the bills. As for why he doesn't clean the house, I don't know. I literally left four days worth of dishes once to see if he'd do anything about it, and he didn't. We don't have any other children, other than his daughter from another women that we were trying to get custody of. He's, obviously, not getting far with that being jobless and financially hurting.


I can't say he contributes zero, but I'd easily say I put in about 97% and I get about 3%. Even our families all remark about it. I'm getting extremely fed up.


Quoting furbabymum:


 So just as a clarifier, does your DH not work? Do you support him? If yes, why doesn't he clean the house? Does he at least care for your children?


If he's really contributing 0 to the relationship and isn't willing to change....you don't have a relationship.


 


 


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furbabymum
by Gold Member on Nov. 15, 2012 at 12:08 PM

 Yup. Been there. Sometimes I wished he'd hit me. I felt like if he'd hit me than I'd have an indisputable reason to leave him. The way he acted though I was able to excuse the behavior and bury my head. It took me 5 years to get my backbone. I hope it takes you a lot less. We didn't have kids then. We didn't have kids until a few years into treatment. It changes things. You're going to need more support than ever and I'm hoping he's there to give it to you. Just remember that no matter what he says, and he'll probably have a lot to say, this isn't you. This is him. You are contributing by putting up with the BS but this is him. You can't fix him. He has to fix himself. He has to want to fix himself.

Really though, you can't go on like this. It's make or break time.

Quoting clz0213:

This made me tear up and its because its true. Slowly though I'm losing fear of the unknown and more of growing to resent my husband and that isn't a way of life either. I'm not sure what to do but i know that something has to be done and if its that drastic everyone has already told me they support me even his family. So we shall see how things go. If he breaks his word of spending time with me again today then shit will hit the fan I'm a big and messy way.


Quoting furbabymum:

 So, I've used my own marriage as an example before. This is how I see things:


My DH was an unmedicated, undiagnosed bipolar for the first 5 years of our marriage. I put up with a lot of things then that looking back on I want to smack myself for. However, I finally had enough. Even though he worked a great job, supported me and was really rather great I couldn't take the "episodes" anymore and he cheated on me. So I told him what he had to do to keep me and he did it. He didn't complain. He didn't try to blame things on me. He went to the ER and turned himself in as suicidal so he could start treatment immediately. To this day, almost 4 years later, he sees 4 counselors (including our marriage counselor) and takes medication every day. I love him now more than ever and our marriage couldn't be better.


Sounds idealic but I can tell you with 100% certainty that if he ever stopped his medication and stopped going to all his counselors I would leave him in a heart beat. I'm not going back there. I'm worth more than that. I deserve to have a loving and stable marriage. I deserve to be treated right. I deserve to be respected.


Guess what. You deserve that too. Right now you are putting up with things and making excuses and claiming love. I get it. I've been there. I've totally been in denial and entrenched in fear of the unknown. I know how you feel. You don't have to though. You can stand up for yourself and what you DESERVE. You and your unborn child deserve a man who gives a shit and takes responsibility when he fucks up. If you take your stand and he's not willing to step up, well, you will be better off. Way better off. If you take your stand and your DH responds like mine, well, life will be difficult for awhile. We didn't change overnight. But change happened and it is enough to swell my heart when I think about all he's done for me and our children. There are men like this out there. If yours isn't one then you need to move on.


Quoting clz0213:


He had a job and lost it, but that was about a month ago and he hadn't held that job very long. Right now, yes, I'm technically supporting him and his mother helps us because my check isn't enough. I got the job as a supplemental income while I'm finishing college and pregnant, not as something to maintain the household and all the bills. As for why he doesn't clean the house, I don't know. I literally left four days worth of dishes once to see if he'd do anything about it, and he didn't. We don't have any other children, other than his daughter from another women that we were trying to get custody of. He's, obviously, not getting far with that being jobless and financially hurting.


I can't say he contributes zero, but I'd easily say I put in about 97% and I get about 3%. Even our families all remark about it. I'm getting extremely fed up.


Quoting furbabymum:


 So just as a clarifier, does your DH not work? Do you support him? If yes, why doesn't he clean the house? Does he at least care for your children?


If he's really contributing 0 to the relationship and isn't willing to change....you don't have a relationship.


 


 


 

clz0213
by on Nov. 15, 2012 at 12:13 PM
Yes i know. Thank you. We have a relatively similar mindset. Or how yours was when you were dealing with his problems at least. I'm the same way. I feel like i have no real reason to leave because he doesn't hit me or cheat or anything. But that is fading too. I'm tired of being unhappy.


Quoting furbabymum:

 Yup. Been there. Sometimes I wished he'd hit me. I felt like if he'd hit me than I'd have an indisputable reason to leave him. The way he acted though I was able to excuse the behavior and bury my head. It took me 5 years to get my backbone. I hope it takes you a lot less. We didn't have kids then. We didn't have kids until a few years into treatment. It changes things. You're going to need more support than ever and I'm hoping he's there to give it to you. Just remember that no matter what he says, and he'll probably have a lot to say, this isn't you. This is him. You are contributing by putting up with the BS but this is him. You can't fix him. He has to fix himself. He has to want to fix himself.


Really though, you can't go on like this. It's make or break time.


Quoting clz0213:

This made me tear up and its because its true. Slowly though I'm losing fear of the unknown and more of growing to resent my husband and that isn't a way of life either. I'm not sure what to do but i know that something has to be done and if its that drastic everyone has already told me they support me even his family. So we shall see how things go. If he breaks his word of spending time with me again today then shit will hit the fan I'm a big and messy way.



Quoting furbabymum:


 So, I've used my own marriage as an example before. This is how I see things:



My DH was an unmedicated, undiagnosed bipolar for the first 5 years of our marriage. I put up with a lot of things then that looking back on I want to smack myself for. However, I finally had enough. Even though he worked a great job, supported me and was really rather great I couldn't take the "episodes" anymore and he cheated on me. So I told him what he had to do to keep me and he did it. He didn't complain. He didn't try to blame things on me. He went to the ER and turned himself in as suicidal so he could start treatment immediately. To this day, almost 4 years later, he sees 4 counselors (including our marriage counselor) and takes medication every day. I love him now more than ever and our marriage couldn't be better.



Sounds idealic but I can tell you with 100% certainty that if he ever stopped his medication and stopped going to all his counselors I would leave him in a heart beat. I'm not going back there. I'm worth more than that. I deserve to have a loving and stable marriage. I deserve to be treated right. I deserve to be respected.



Guess what. You deserve that too. Right now you are putting up with things and making excuses and claiming love. I get it. I've been there. I've totally been in denial and entrenched in fear of the unknown. I know how you feel. You don't have to though. You can stand up for yourself and what you DESERVE. You and your unborn child deserve a man who gives a shit and takes responsibility when he fucks up. If you take your stand and he's not willing to step up, well, you will be better off. Way better off. If you take your stand and your DH responds like mine, well, life will be difficult for awhile. We didn't change overnight. But change happened and it is enough to swell my heart when I think about all he's done for me and our children. There are men like this out there. If yours isn't one then you need to move on.



Quoting clz0213:



He had a job and lost it, but that was about a month ago and he hadn't held that job very long. Right now, yes, I'm technically supporting him and his mother helps us because my check isn't enough. I got the job as a supplemental income while I'm finishing college and pregnant, not as something to maintain the household and all the bills. As for why he doesn't clean the house, I don't know. I literally left four days worth of dishes once to see if he'd do anything about it, and he didn't. We don't have any other children, other than his daughter from another women that we were trying to get custody of. He's, obviously, not getting far with that being jobless and financially hurting.



I can't say he contributes zero, but I'd easily say I put in about 97% and I get about 3%. Even our families all remark about it. I'm getting extremely fed up.



Quoting furbabymum:



 So just as a clarifier, does your DH not work? Do you support him? If yes, why doesn't he clean the house? Does he at least care for your children?



If he's really contributing 0 to the relationship and isn't willing to change....you don't have a relationship.



 



 



 


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furbabymum
by Gold Member on Nov. 15, 2012 at 12:24 PM
1 mom liked this

 Feel free to message me if you need emotional support during the process. Either way this thing goes it's going to be hard on you.

Quoting clz0213:

Yes i know. Thank you. We have a relatively similar mindset. Or how yours was when you were dealing with his problems at least. I'm the same way. I feel like i have no real reason to leave because he doesn't hit me or cheat or anything. But that is fading too. I'm tired of being unhappy.


Quoting furbabymum:

 Yup. Been there. Sometimes I wished he'd hit me. I felt like if he'd hit me than I'd have an indisputable reason to leave him. The way he acted though I was able to excuse the behavior and bury my head. It took me 5 years to get my backbone. I hope it takes you a lot less. We didn't have kids then. We didn't have kids until a few years into treatment. It changes things. You're going to need more support than ever and I'm hoping he's there to give it to you. Just remember that no matter what he says, and he'll probably have a lot to say, this isn't you. This is him. You are contributing by putting up with the BS but this is him. You can't fix him. He has to fix himself. He has to want to fix himself.


Really though, you can't go on like this. It's make or break time.


Quoting clz0213:

This made me tear up and its because its true. Slowly though I'm losing fear of the unknown and more of growing to resent my husband and that isn't a way of life either. I'm not sure what to do but i know that something has to be done and if its that drastic everyone has already told me they support me even his family. So we shall see how things go. If he breaks his word of spending time with me again today then shit will hit the fan I'm a big and messy way.



Quoting furbabymum:


 So, I've used my own marriage as an example before. This is how I see things:



My DH was an unmedicated, undiagnosed bipolar for the first 5 years of our marriage. I put up with a lot of things then that looking back on I want to smack myself for. However, I finally had enough. Even though he worked a great job, supported me and was really rather great I couldn't take the "episodes" anymore and he cheated on me. So I told him what he had to do to keep me and he did it. He didn't complain. He didn't try to blame things on me. He went to the ER and turned himself in as suicidal so he could start treatment immediately. To this day, almost 4 years later, he sees 4 counselors (including our marriage counselor) and takes medication every day. I love him now more than ever and our marriage couldn't be better.



Sounds idealic but I can tell you with 100% certainty that if he ever stopped his medication and stopped going to all his counselors I would leave him in a heart beat. I'm not going back there. I'm worth more than that. I deserve to have a loving and stable marriage. I deserve to be treated right. I deserve to be respected.



Guess what. You deserve that too. Right now you are putting up with things and making excuses and claiming love. I get it. I've been there. I've totally been in denial and entrenched in fear of the unknown. I know how you feel. You don't have to though. You can stand up for yourself and what you DESERVE. You and your unborn child deserve a man who gives a shit and takes responsibility when he fucks up. If you take your stand and he's not willing to step up, well, you will be better off. Way better off. If you take your stand and your DH responds like mine, well, life will be difficult for awhile. We didn't change overnight. But change happened and it is enough to swell my heart when I think about all he's done for me and our children. There are men like this out there. If yours isn't one then you need to move on.



Quoting clz0213:



He had a job and lost it, but that was about a month ago and he hadn't held that job very long. Right now, yes, I'm technically supporting him and his mother helps us because my check isn't enough. I got the job as a supplemental income while I'm finishing college and pregnant, not as something to maintain the household and all the bills. As for why he doesn't clean the house, I don't know. I literally left four days worth of dishes once to see if he'd do anything about it, and he didn't. We don't have any other children, other than his daughter from another women that we were trying to get custody of. He's, obviously, not getting far with that being jobless and financially hurting.



I can't say he contributes zero, but I'd easily say I put in about 97% and I get about 3%. Even our families all remark about it. I'm getting extremely fed up.



Quoting furbabymum:



 So just as a clarifier, does your DH not work? Do you support him? If yes, why doesn't he clean the house? Does he at least care for your children?



If he's really contributing 0 to the relationship and isn't willing to change....you don't have a relationship.



 



 



 


 

LOVES67
by on Nov. 15, 2012 at 1:00 PM
He works morning and I work all kinds of schedules but we see each other after work and weekends, so we're only apart for a few hrs..
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