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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

How much time do you spend... (Update new question)

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How much time do you spend away from DH on average? I'm having this huge problem right now with DH never being home and when I bring it up, he says that he needs time away from me. Yet, i'm the one working and pregnant and taking care of the house, so what does he have to complain about? I want time away from him too, but he is never here, or he's here for two minutes then runs off.

He even said these exact words "Married couples don't spend time together."

I said "Yes, they do. I know plenty of couples that do."

His response "Then they are doing something wrong."

Seriously? So how much time apart do ya'll spend, and does it work for both of you?

 

UPDATE: So, I wanted to elaborate because I was getting questions about how my husband acts. I have no problem with him getting guy time away from me. I know I like my time to myeslf or time with girls, BUT here is how my life has been lately. DH doesn't think it's necessary to spend a day with me, or much uninterrupted time at all. He is constantly at a friend's house, doing something for them or hanging out or whatever. Meanwhile, he's jobless and has been for awhile. I can't get him to put in serious effort towards getting one and bills are piling up. I got a job to add a supplemental income, not a main. I work part time and am 26 weeks pregnant and going through college. I take care of the house and errands, and handle finances. He does...basically nothing any more. It's gone very far down hill. When he does say he'll do something, like go to the store today for example, I find him later at his friend's having not even gone in the first place.

We do communicate. Or, I try, I should say. I bring it up all the time. One time he told me "nothing he does is good enough for me anymore and I don't act like I want to be married." But it's hard to act like it and not get pissed when he's never here. He's not my husband, he's my roommate who occassionally eats with me (to a point) and I have sex with at times. I can't even get him to come to bed to cuddle or just lay with me and talk. He comes to bed around 2-5 am every morning. By then I'm sleeping, obviously, since I work at 6am.

What can I do to make him understand? I've even brought up that I'm afraid of raising the baby alone because he's never here now, much less when Zoey is born. He thought I was just being unreasonable. RIght now, we can't afford counciling and my insurance won't cover it, but soon I'm switching and it will. Until then....help?!?

by on Nov. 14, 2012 at 5:31 PM
Replies (21-30):
photomom1979
by Member on Nov. 14, 2012 at 8:58 PM
1 mom liked this
We're probably a bit odd but we are never apart... we both work from home, we go to the store together, out together....when he goes back to school in a few weeks we'll be apart 15 hours a week....we just prefer each other's company over others....
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clz0213
by on Nov. 14, 2012 at 8:58 PM

This is what I want and how I think it should be. Right now he thinks that spending our lives together just means our names are on the same piece of paper leasing our house. That isn't living together or spending our lives together. It's just...co-existing. I'm envious that you have that, but happy for you. I wish I did. I've seen glimmers of it. I know it's there...but I don't know how to bring it out on a regular basis and I'm so frustrated.


 

Quoting kristina0121:
We spend most our free time together. Not because I make him, but because he wants to! He loves all 4 of our kids and loves playing with them. He loves me and loves rubbing my back or feet. He even will rub my hair til I fall asleep. To me, that's how it should be. Your man should want to take care of you and you should take care of him. We both get alone time and social time. But still... we spend our lives together because we love eachother and want to be with eachother.


SourRoses
by on Nov. 14, 2012 at 8:59 PM
1 mom liked this
I would just bite the bullet and do it now. Try to have one more conversation with him, informing him he will be out if he does not step up, and when he doesn't listen, change the lockes.
And if you do kick him out, I wouldnt let him back until he had a job even if It's at McDonald's lol.


Quoting clz0213:

Trust me I know and I'm to that point considering how bad things have gotten. I have nothing to lose, really, considering he's not acting like a husband or helping with anything. Only thing he helps with is making a mess lol.


He'd be really screwed then, cause his mom has already said that he's not coming back there if I kick him out. She is fully aware how immature he's being and isn't going to provide a place for him to run and hide at.



 


Quoting SourRoses:

This might suck a lot but he's ganna need consequence for the actions you don't like. Maybe It's even time to kick him out to his mom's to show him you are not going to put up with this shit. You have a baby on the way and he will only get worse if you don't do something aggressive.


Quoting clz0213:


No, it wasn't always like this. After we got married and moved to a different town so he was closer to his job (that he lost smh) he met our neighbors who are major partiers. They have children and none of them work because they all have SSI or disability of some sort. One is a retired soldier. I guess he sees that as some acceptable form of life, but it's certainly not for me. None of those children have both parents around because they are split, and all of those guys drink way too much, along with some drugs. One sells pills to make bills and he has a baby on the way with his GF. I do NOT want to be like that. I refuse to be, actually.




 



Quoting SourRoses:

I'm sorry to say but if he's not willing to communicate now, It's just going to get worse when the baby comes. Was he always like this? What made you marry him?



Quoting clz0213:



He had a job and lost it, but that was about a month ago and he hadn't held that job very long. Right now, yes, I'm technically supporting him and his mother helps us because my check isn't enough. I got the job as a supplemental income while I'm finishing college and pregnant, not as something to maintain the household and all the bills. As for why he doesn't clean the house, I don't know. I literally left four days worth of dishes once to see if he'd do anything about it, and he didn't. We don't have any other children, other than his daughter from another women that we were trying to get custody of. He's, obviously, not getting far with that being jobless and financially hurting.




I can't say he contributes zero, but I'd easily say I put in about 97% and I get about 3%. Even our families all remark about it. I'm getting extremely fed up.




Quoting furbabymum:




 So just as a clarifier, does your DH not work? Do you support him? If yes, why doesn't he clean the house? Does he at least care for your children?




If he's really contributing 0 to the relationship and isn't willing to change....you don't have a relationship.




 



 



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clz0213
by on Nov. 14, 2012 at 9:02 PM

Yeah...I honstly don't care what the job is. We can figure out finances. It's the principle of it. I'm actually going to show him how so many women explained that their marriages work by spending time together because they want to be with their spouse and see what he says.

Quoting SourRoses:

I would just bite the bullet and do it now. Try to have one more conversation with him, informing him he will be out if he does not step up, and when he doesn't listen, change the lockes.
And if you do kick him out, I wouldnt let him back until he had a job even if It's at McDonald's lol.


Quoting clz0213:

Trust me I know and I'm to that point considering how bad things have gotten. I have nothing to lose, really, considering he's not acting like a husband or helping with anything. Only thing he helps with is making a mess lol.


He'd be really screwed then, cause his mom has already said that he's not coming back there if I kick him out. She is fully aware how immature he's being and isn't going to provide a place for him to run and hide at.



 


Quoting SourRoses:

This might suck a lot but he's ganna need consequence for the actions you don't like. Maybe It's even time to kick him out to his mom's to show him you are not going to put up with this shit. You have a baby on the way and he will only get worse if you don't do something aggressive.


Quoting clz0213:


No, it wasn't always like this. After we got married and moved to a different town so he was closer to his job (that he lost smh) he met our neighbors who are major partiers. They have children and none of them work because they all have SSI or disability of some sort. One is a retired soldier. I guess he sees that as some acceptable form of life, but it's certainly not for me. None of those children have both parents around because they are split, and all of those guys drink way too much, along with some drugs. One sells pills to make bills and he has a baby on the way with his GF. I do NOT want to be like that. I refuse to be, actually.




 



Quoting SourRoses:

I'm sorry to say but if he's not willing to communicate now, It's just going to get worse when the baby comes. Was he always like this? What made you marry him?



Quoting clz0213:



He had a job and lost it, but that was about a month ago and he hadn't held that job very long. Right now, yes, I'm technically supporting him and his mother helps us because my check isn't enough. I got the job as a supplemental income while I'm finishing college and pregnant, not as something to maintain the household and all the bills. As for why he doesn't clean the house, I don't know. I literally left four days worth of dishes once to see if he'd do anything about it, and he didn't. We don't have any other children, other than his daughter from another women that we were trying to get custody of. He's, obviously, not getting far with that being jobless and financially hurting.




I can't say he contributes zero, but I'd easily say I put in about 97% and I get about 3%. Even our families all remark about it. I'm getting extremely fed up.




Quoting furbabymum:




 So just as a clarifier, does your DH not work? Do you support him? If yes, why doesn't he clean the house? Does he at least care for your children?




If he's really contributing 0 to the relationship and isn't willing to change....you don't have a relationship.




 



 


 


SourRoses
by on Nov. 14, 2012 at 9:04 PM
Good luck, I hope it works out for you both: )

Quoting clz0213:

Yeah...I honstly don't care what the job is. We can figure out finances. It's the principle of it. I'm actually going to show him how so many women explained that their marriages work by spending time together because they want to be with their spouse and see what he says.


Quoting SourRoses:

I would just bite the bullet and do it now. Try to have one more conversation with him, informing him he will be out if he does not step up, and when he doesn't listen, change the lockes.
And if you do kick him out, I wouldnt let him back until he had a job even if It's at McDonald's lol.



Quoting clz0213:


Trust me I know and I'm to that point considering how bad things have gotten. I have nothing to lose, really, considering he's not acting like a husband or helping with anything. Only thing he helps with is making a mess lol.



He'd be really screwed then, cause his mom has already said that he's not coming back there if I kick him out. She is fully aware how immature he's being and isn't going to provide a place for him to run and hide at.




 



Quoting SourRoses:

This might suck a lot but he's ganna need consequence for the actions you don't like. Maybe It's even time to kick him out to his mom's to show him you are not going to put up with this shit. You have a baby on the way and he will only get worse if you don't do something aggressive.



Quoting clz0213:



No, it wasn't always like this. After we got married and moved to a different town so he was closer to his job (that he lost smh) he met our neighbors who are major partiers. They have children and none of them work because they all have SSI or disability of some sort. One is a retired soldier. I guess he sees that as some acceptable form of life, but it's certainly not for me. None of those children have both parents around because they are split, and all of those guys drink way too much, along with some drugs. One sells pills to make bills and he has a baby on the way with his GF. I do NOT want to be like that. I refuse to be, actually.





 




Quoting SourRoses:

I'm sorry to say but if he's not willing to communicate now, It's just going to get worse when the baby comes. Was he always like this? What made you marry him?




Quoting clz0213:




He had a job and lost it, but that was about a month ago and he hadn't held that job very long. Right now, yes, I'm technically supporting him and his mother helps us because my check isn't enough. I got the job as a supplemental income while I'm finishing college and pregnant, not as something to maintain the household and all the bills. As for why he doesn't clean the house, I don't know. I literally left four days worth of dishes once to see if he'd do anything about it, and he didn't. We don't have any other children, other than his daughter from another women that we were trying to get custody of. He's, obviously, not getting far with that being jobless and financially hurting.





I can't say he contributes zero, but I'd easily say I put in about 97% and I get about 3%. Even our families all remark about it. I'm getting extremely fed up.





Quoting furbabymum:





 So just as a clarifier, does your DH not work? Do you support him? If yes, why doesn't he clean the house? Does he at least care for your children?





If he's really contributing 0 to the relationship and isn't willing to change....you don't have a relationship.





 




 



 



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Babujai
by Bronze Member on Nov. 14, 2012 at 9:07 PM
We both work 40 hours a week, but he works a variable schedule so those hours don't always overlap.

When we're both home we usually watch TV separately unless it's one of the few shows we both like or football.

We focus more on quality than quantity when it comes to the time we spend together.
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clz0213
by on Nov. 14, 2012 at 9:10 PM

I would even be okay with that. Too bad that doesn't happen either lol.


 

Quoting Babujai:

We both work 40 hours a week, but he works a variable schedule so those hours don't always overlap.

When we're both home we usually watch TV separately unless it's one of the few shows we both like or football.

We focus more on quality than quantity when it comes to the time we spend together.


Kaybean
by Bronze Member on Nov. 14, 2012 at 9:11 PM
1 mom liked this
I'm sorry, that has to be really hard. Does he seriously not see any issue st all? I find it amazing that a man can help with nothing, not be looking for work, spend no time with you, go out with friends all the time and literally see no problem. If he REALLY, truly sees nothing wrong with the situation, then it will be very hard to get anything to change. If he doesn't see the issue, then in his mind, he sees nothing that needs to be fixed. Maybe it will take losing you (temporarily) for him to realize how much he really would be losing.
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Lorena
by Silver Member on Nov. 14, 2012 at 9:11 PM
The only time we spend apart is when he is at work and maybe a hr here and there. And when he is out of town for work. We do everything together we do not like or want time any time apart. He comes straight home from work to help me with the kids then we spend from 9-12 just the two of us. We were friends first still have fun togeather. I don't think by wanting to spend all of our time togeather is doing something wrong. We both feel that a life time together is ever going to be enough.
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Kaybean
by Bronze Member on Nov. 14, 2012 at 9:15 PM
I forgot to answer your question, lol. We spend a lot of time together. He workable full time out of the house. My DH goes out maybe once a month. Otherwise, he has guys over to watch football. I go out like once a week for a couple hours. I also leave to shop and get groceries, etc, but that isn't the same as partying or hanging kit with friends. If we're not out, we're home together. I do sometimes go upstairs and watch LMN (like I am riht now, lol) while he watches a game or something.
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