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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

He's hard to trust...

Posted by on Nov. 15, 2012 at 12:27 AM
  • 17 Replies

So I've been married now for 2 years, been together for 3. We just had our first child in August and I still feel like my husband is hiding things from me. Throughout the whole time we have been together, up until the beginning of this year, my husband has been cheating on me. For me, there are different ways of cheating. He may not have physically met the women, but chat rooms are the same thing to me. At one point he even told a woman he was still in the military and wasn't married (this was a few months before I found out I was pregnant). For everything that he has put me through emotionally, I don't feel like I can trust him. I've thought over time and time again about leaving him (before I got pregnant), and even sometimes now, but I feel like deep inside, I need to stay for my son. He says he has changed, but to me, it's going to take alot more than words. I don't know how long I can go on with this. When I start to think he's stopped, I find something that brings back those bad memories and gets me worried again. I don't know, is it just me being paranoid, am I prying too much, or what is it??????? HELP!!

by on Nov. 15, 2012 at 12:27 AM
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LuckyIrishMom
by on Nov. 15, 2012 at 1:01 AM
2 moms liked this

He cheated emotionally, which is still cheating.  You have every right to be paranoid or suspicious (and I'd really think less of you if you weren't, given the history).  He's the one who needs to be jumping through hoops to regain your trust, and if he's just trying to "go back to normal" then he is avoiding responsibility for his actions.  Find a marriage counselor, or church counselor, if you are religious.  Address the issues directly and work from there, and if he's not receptive, he's probably not sorry....just sorry he got caught.  As for staying together for your son, wouldn't your son be better off being co-parented by divorced parents then raised in household filled with tension, betrayal, and mistrust?  (and kids notice these things...when my son was two, my (now ex) husband and I were having problems.  We tried to avoid fighting in front of the kids, but even so, he began exhibiting nervous habits, such as nail-biting AT 2!!!)  Even if your husband has stopped and changed his ways (which is doubtful, because most don't cheat once!), sometimes trust is just permanently severed.  This is no fault of yours, but of his.  Don't suffer through an unhappy marriage, especially for the "sake" of your son.  I know I wouldn't have wanted my parents to continue their miserable marriage for MY benefit.  I would have grown up feeling like, because of me, my parents were always miserable.  Regardless of what you choose to do, I hope it turns out for the best.  Good luck!

GatorsWife4Life
by on Nov. 15, 2012 at 1:03 AM
2 moms liked this

 You have every right to question him. Cheating is cheating. If he was involved with another woman in any way other than just mere friends (which he wouldn't hide) then of course it was cheating. What I don't understand is if you knew you couldn't trust him then why in the world did you risk having a child and bringing a child into this unstable relationship? It's done now but not a very bright move in my opinion.

bluesky4u0911
by on Nov. 15, 2012 at 1:17 AM

At the beginning, I talked to him about trying to go see a marriage counselor with me but he is so stubborn and against it. We are trying to work things out by talking more. The one thing that makes me nervous is that even though I haven't caught him lately, makes me think he's just getting more creative at hiding it. I'm not TRYING to find things to catch him, but I feel like I have no choice. We always ell each other we don't believe in divorce, but then why do I think about it so often? I was telling my mother a few weeks ago, "Everytime we have a fight, I always ask myself if I've taken my birth control yet." That's kind of sad, but it's the way I feel right now. Lately I've been so uncomfortable around him, ever since I had the baby I haven't been intimate, and I question the thought of having more kids with him. I'm willing to work on us, but is he.

Quoting LuckyIrishMom:

He cheated emotionally, which is still cheating.  You have every right to be paranoid or suspicious (and I'd really think less of you if you weren't, given the history).  He's the one who needs to be jumping through hoops to regain your trust, and if he's just trying to "go back to normal" then he is avoiding responsibility for his actions.  Find a marriage counselor, or church counselor, if you are religious.  Address the issues directly and work from there, and if he's not receptive, he's probably not sorry....just sorry he got caught.  As for staying together for your son, wouldn't your son be better off being co-parented by divorced parents then raised in household filled with tension, betrayal, and mistrust?  (and kids notice these things...when my son was two, my (now ex) husband and I were having problems.  We tried to avoid fighting in front of the kids, but even so, he began exhibiting nervous habits, such as nail-biting AT 2!!!)  Even if your husband has stopped and changed his ways (which is doubtful, because most don't cheat once!), sometimes trust is just permanently severed.  This is no fault of yours, but of his.  Don't suffer through an unhappy marriage, especially for the "sake" of your son.  I know I wouldn't have wanted my parents to continue their miserable marriage for MY benefit.  I would have grown up feeling like, because of me, my parents were always miserable.  Regardless of what you choose to do, I hope it turns out for the best.  Good luck!


bluesky4u0911
by on Nov. 15, 2012 at 1:22 AM

Most of it I didn't find out until I knew I was pregnant. I literally had to pry into things to find it out. It was all done on the computer, so he had passwords, I was lucky enough he left it unlocked when he left one day. I actually had enough time to call him quoting what he had said to the woman, pack what I needed, and all I had left was to put my dogs in the car, but he rushed home. I don't know why I let him talk me out of leaving.

Quoting GatorsWife4Life:

 You have every right to question him. Cheating is cheating. If he was involved with another woman in any way other than just mere friends (which he wouldn't hide) then of course it was cheating. What I don't understand is if you knew you couldn't trust him then why in the world did you risk having a child and bringing a child into this unstable relationship? It's done now but not a very bright move in my opinion.


LuckyIrishMom
by on Nov. 15, 2012 at 1:28 AM
1 mom liked this

This is a tough situation, and I can remember vividly how painful it is to be cheated on.  If possible, see a counselor without him.  Work on you, even if he won't work on "us".  I feel really suspicious of the fact that he is completely resistant to any type of couple's therapy though.  It gives me the impression that he doesn't really feel he did anything wrong, or that he wasn't serious about improving the relationship.  In the end, only you can decide how to proceed, and what is best for you and your family.  I definitely agree that you are smart to avoid bringing another child into the mix until the situation is resolved, and you sound very much like a great mom/wife who will do what is best, no matter what.  I sincerely hope that you get some peace in this situation soon, and know that plenty of us here on CafeMom (even if it's just "computer friends") are here to support you!  Stay strong, bluesky!  ~hugs~  :)

Quoting bluesky4u0911:

At the beginning, I talked to him about trying to go see a marriage counselor with me but he is so stubborn and against it. We are trying to work things out by talking more. The one thing that makes me nervous is that even though I haven't caught him lately, makes me think he's just getting more creative at hiding it. I'm not TRYING to find things to catch him, but I feel like I have no choice. We always ell each other we don't believe in divorce, but then why do I think about it so often? I was telling my mother a few weeks ago, "Everytime we have a fight, I always ask myself if I've taken my birth control yet." That's kind of sad, but it's the way I feel right now. Lately I've been so uncomfortable around him, ever since I had the baby I haven't been intimate, and I question the thought of having more kids with him. I'm willing to work on us, but is he.

Quoting LuckyIrishMom:

He cheated emotionally, which is still cheating.  You have every right to be paranoid or suspicious (and I'd really think less of you if you weren't, given the history).  He's the one who needs to be jumping through hoops to regain your trust, and if he's just trying to "go back to normal" then he is avoiding responsibility for his actions.  Find a marriage counselor, or church counselor, if you are religious.  Address the issues directly and work from there, and if he's not receptive, he's probably not sorry....just sorry he got caught.  As for staying together for your son, wouldn't your son be better off being co-parented by divorced parents then raised in household filled with tension, betrayal, and mistrust?  (and kids notice these things...when my son was two, my (now ex) husband and I were having problems.  We tried to avoid fighting in front of the kids, but even so, he began exhibiting nervous habits, such as nail-biting AT 2!!!)  Even if your husband has stopped and changed his ways (which is doubtful, because most don't cheat once!), sometimes trust is just permanently severed.  This is no fault of yours, but of his.  Don't suffer through an unhappy marriage, especially for the "sake" of your son.  I know I wouldn't have wanted my parents to continue their miserable marriage for MY benefit.  I would have grown up feeling like, because of me, my parents were always miserable.  Regardless of what you choose to do, I hope it turns out for the best.  Good luck!



2lilmamas
by on Nov. 15, 2012 at 1:34 AM
If you have caught him in anything now. Give him the benefit of the doubt.
bluesky4u0911
by on Nov. 15, 2012 at 1:38 AM

Thanks =) I did think about seeing one for myself, but I don't even know where to begin. Right now we only have one vehicle and he uses it to go to work. I'm constantly having to rely on my family for alot of things and I feel terrible. I'm almost finished with my Bachelors Degree so hopefully I will be able to get a good career soon. Right now we are just personally going through so much, it's almost forcing us closer together. All we can do is work on it.

Quoting LuckyIrishMom:

This is a tough situation, and I can remember vividly how painful it is to be cheated on.  If possible, see a counselor without him.  Work on you, even if he won't work on "us".  I feel really suspicious of the fact that he is completely resistant to any type of couple's therapy though.  It gives me the impression that he doesn't really feel he did anything wrong, or that he wasn't serious about improving the relationship.  In the end, only you can decide how to proceed, and what is best for you and your family.  I definitely agree that you are smart to avoid bringing another child into the mix until the situation is resolved, and you sound very much like a great mom/wife who will do what is best, no matter what.  I sincerely hope that you get some peace in this situation soon, and know that plenty of us here on CafeMom (even if it's just "computer friends") are here to support you!  Stay strong, bluesky!  ~hugs~  :)

Quoting bluesky4u0911:

At the beginning, I talked to him about trying to go see a marriage counselor with me but he is so stubborn and against it. We are trying to work things out by talking more. The one thing that makes me nervous is that even though I haven't caught him lately, makes me think he's just getting more creative at hiding it. I'm not TRYING to find things to catch him, but I feel like I have no choice. We always ell each other we don't believe in divorce, but then why do I think about it so often? I was telling my mother a few weeks ago, "Everytime we have a fight, I always ask myself if I've taken my birth control yet." That's kind of sad, but it's the way I feel right now. Lately I've been so uncomfortable around him, ever since I had the baby I haven't been intimate, and I question the thought of having more kids with him. I'm willing to work on us, but is he.

Quoting LuckyIrishMom:

He cheated emotionally, which is still cheating.  You have every right to be paranoid or suspicious (and I'd really think less of you if you weren't, given the history).  He's the one who needs to be jumping through hoops to regain your trust, and if he's just trying to "go back to normal" then he is avoiding responsibility for his actions.  Find a marriage counselor, or church counselor, if you are religious.  Address the issues directly and work from there, and if he's not receptive, he's probably not sorry....just sorry he got caught.  As for staying together for your son, wouldn't your son be better off being co-parented by divorced parents then raised in household filled with tension, betrayal, and mistrust?  (and kids notice these things...when my son was two, my (now ex) husband and I were having problems.  We tried to avoid fighting in front of the kids, but even so, he began exhibiting nervous habits, such as nail-biting AT 2!!!)  Even if your husband has stopped and changed his ways (which is doubtful, because most don't cheat once!), sometimes trust is just permanently severed.  This is no fault of yours, but of his.  Don't suffer through an unhappy marriage, especially for the "sake" of your son.  I know I wouldn't have wanted my parents to continue their miserable marriage for MY benefit.  I would have grown up feeling like, because of me, my parents were always miserable.  Regardless of what you choose to do, I hope it turns out for the best.  Good luck!




bluesky4u0911
by on Nov. 15, 2012 at 1:41 AM

That's easier said than done. He just found more ways to hide it from me. But i'm working on it, trying to trust him more so that I don't have to go searching for things.

Quoting 2lilmamas:

If you have caught him in anything now. Give him the benefit of the doubt.


3xangel
by Bronze Member on Nov. 15, 2012 at 7:40 AM
Marriage counseling and transparency on his part should be mandatory in order for you to stay in the marriage. Your relationship will not heal without it.
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katemarie97
by on Nov. 15, 2012 at 10:04 AM
Get out now.I'm living through this nightmare now and I'm trying to get divorced.it doesnt get better..he will only become smarter and sneakier with his mistresses. I'm sorry you're dealing with this..like i said ive been going through this for two years and with a lot of therapy I've come to realize that I should respect myself more and besides that my son doesnt deserve a father who puts other women above him.think of it like this..youre sittin at home upset and distraught over all this..do u think he is?
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