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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

I don't know how much longer I can keep this up

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My husband lost his job two months ago and still hasn't found another one, but he hasn't really been looking very hard; he has unemployment, but he's getting half of what he was earning. I hate my job, but I have to keep working because I'm the main provider for this family right now.

I love my husband, but everyday when I come home nothing is done, the house is a nightmare, and I'm too exhausted from work to do anything about it.So guess what I get to do on my "day off?" Play catch up with the chores. On top of everything else, I'm pregnant again and the stress is wearing me down.

Something has too change, but it doesn't seem to matter when I talk to him about it. He says he can't get anything done when he's home alone with our son, but if I can do it I think he can too. He finds time to play video games, but he can't do the dishes or take out the garbage? I dont' think so. I might take all the controllers with me to work tomorrow.

CafeMom Tickers

by on Nov. 18, 2012 at 6:09 PM
Replies (11-20):
i.heart.myboys
by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 8:41 AM
I'm so sorry that you are going through that.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
mustloveanimals
by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 12:50 PM
1 mom liked this

When my husband retired from active duty and was looking for a civilian job, he was home for a year. He did nothing and I worked full time, and I paid for full time daycare, and I did all the housework and the cooking and errand running. My "time off" was time to take care of everything else while he watched tv. He claimed he spend all day looking for work. I know this is not the case. He also has a hobby which takes a lot of his time. How nice to have a hobby. I have a child and dogs and take time for myself to work out. He has a hobby and no job. 

Anyway, you are going to have to get him to agree on spending x amoutn of time a day looking for work. He needs to search out job fairs and he needs to get onto websites that have job postings. Maybe the two of you can work out a schedule where he looks for work and then also does some housework, and also has time to himself because god forbid a man not have time to himself.

I am really sorry you are going through this. I cannot imagine how exhausted you are. I was only pregnant for part of the time my DH was home, but then I lost the baby and he started a job.

furbabymum
by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 1:15 PM
1 mom liked this

 Unacceptable behavior imo. My DH makes 3x more money than I do and still does the dishes and vacuums the floor. For your DH to not be working and not helping, murder.

You need to tell that man what you expect of him. You know if you weren't working and he was he'd be telling you what he expects. A 10 month old naps a lot. He can damn well do housework while your baby is napping.

hippiechik3
by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 2:24 PM

Hahahaha I would totally do that!

TamarKnochel
by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 2:44 PM
2 moms liked this

When men are depressed, which is most likely the case here (let's give him the benefit of the doubt for a minute at least), they pull themselves into a cave and lock the door. They tend to completely shut the world, and you, out because they don't know how to deal with the stress in their lives. Men are hardwired with the desire to be the provider for their family, and while some men have found ways to bypass this hardwiring, most men get massively depressed and down on themselves when they're not providing for their families. So they shut down. Playing video games gives them a way to cope with their believed failure as a provider by being a winner through the game. It gives them the confidence to move past their feeling as a failure by giving them small doses of winning.

Yes, they are distractions from the housework, but there is a high likelyhood that they are helping him deal with his feelings that are drowning him right now. I agree with the idea of giving him a "honey do" list. If you do this, do it carefully and sensitively. It's not a list of "You had better have all this done by the end of the day you lazy piece of ...", it's a "honey, I'm really stressed about all the work I'm having to do right now, can you help me?" By coming at him from the angle of a damsel in distress you will be appealing to his need to protect you. AND, as an added bonus, by working through this list of things to HELP you he will be building his confidence as well!  If he isn't able to get all the way through the list in one day, that's OK. Men feed on praise, pour it on right now! If he only gets one thing on the list done, GREAT! Thank him for doing it, praise him for the job well done, even if it's not the way you would have done it, it's still done and you didn't have to do it and that's huge isn't it? Talk about it all night long how much he helped you and how much you appreciated it. Talk to a friend on the phone about it with your back to him but so that he can still hear you. This will feed his bruised ego and make him desire to please you even more the next day.

His manhood is being threatened right now, the last thing he needs is a nagging wife. A harsh word stirs up anger, but a gentle response soothes wounds. Right now he needs you to love on him, he's hurt and in need of mending. I know how you feel, frustrated and HEAVILY BURDENED. Hang in there. Love him right now, because he NEEDS it more now than ever before. And I can guarantee that you will not be pouring out this loving in vain! You will receive a return for your love a thousand fold... but it may take some time. Keep encouraging him to find a job, but try really hard to say it in a loving and sensitive way with no resenting tone in your voice.

As a wife, when we took our wedding vows we signed up to be our husband's number one fan and cheerleader. When we are doing this job well, our husbands stand tall and tend to flourish under this attention from us. But as their wife, if we are their number one enemy they will immediately deflate and shrivel under the pressures of the world. We have to remember to put the shoe on the other foot from time to time and look at things from their perspective. He's hurting right now and you can be a source of healing or just more pain for him. It's your choice.


grownsexy
by Bronze Member on Nov. 19, 2012 at 2:52 PM
1 mom liked this

Part of what is going on is your husband is depressed. My husband was very depressed when he lost his job. It is a different situation when a man loses his job then when a woman loses her job. He made need to get help. He has to learn that the best solution is to look for a job it will help with his self esteem just going on the interviews.

KeimUNCmomof3
by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 4:19 PM

He will most likely be that way for the rest of your life.  Do something NOW about it.  Tell him to get off his lazy butt and help you with the house chores.  Otherwise, YOU will be the one doing everything for him, all the time.

Hot_Badonkadonk
by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 4:31 PM

OMG, I so desperately need your help! I do not mean to take away from the OP's posts but my marriage is in the shits right now.

We have experienced many lay offs because my husband is in construction and it has been an up and down roller coaster. I know I have come at him wrong with resentment. There are times I have been SO mad and taken everything out on him, and said some evil things. I get tired. I have always worked full-time and kept the benefits at a job I do not care for, gone to school, paid the bills, taken care of the kids & house... all while my husband sits around depressed, makes messes, drinks, and feels sorry for himself.

Things did get a bit better until I got pregnant last year and he yet again was back at home. We have said some awful things to each other. He now thinks I only love him for his check and I treat him as my toy soldier :o( I love the man with all my heart though! He is a good guy.

I just get so worn out doing EVERYthing. I have asked him nicely and tried the damsel in distress, but he knows me so well that he knows deep down I am cussing him. Ugh!

What do I do from here? I want to repair or marriage.

Quoting TamarKnochel:

When men are depressed, which is most likely the case here (let's give him the benefit of the doubt for a minute at least), they pull themselves into a cave and lock the door. They tend to completely shut the world, and you, out because they don't know how to deal with the stress in their lives. Men are hardwired with the desire to be the provider for their family, and while some men have found ways to bypass this hardwiring, most men get massively depressed and down on themselves when they're not providing for their families. So they shut down. Playing video games gives them a way to cope with their believed failure as a provider by being a winner through the game. It gives them the confidence to move past their feeling as a failure by giving them small doses of winning.

Yes, they are distractions from the housework, but there is a high likelyhood that they are helping him deal with his feelings that are drowning him right now. I agree with the idea of giving him a "honey do" list. If you do this, do it carefully and sensitively. It's not a list of "You had better have all this done by the end of the day you lazy piece of ...", it's a "honey, I'm really stressed about all the work I'm having to do right now, can you help me?" By coming at him from the angle of a damsel in distress you will be appealing to his need to protect you. AND, as an added bonus, by working through this list of things to HELP you he will be building his confidence as well!  If he isn't able to get all the way through the list in one day, that's OK. Men feed on praise, pour it on right now! If he only gets one thing on the list done, GREAT! Thank him for doing it, praise him for the job well done, even if it's not the way you would have done it, it's still done and you didn't have to do it and that's huge isn't it? Talk about it all night long how much he helped you and how much you appreciated it. Talk to a friend on the phone about it with your back to him but so that he can still hear you. This will feed his bruised ego and make him desire to please you even more the next day.

His manhood is being threatened right now, the last thing he needs is a nagging wife. A harsh word stirs up anger, but a gentle response soothes wounds. Right now he needs you to love on him, he's hurt and in need of mending. I know how you feel, frustrated and HEAVILY BURDENED. Hang in there. Love him right now, because he NEEDS it more now than ever before. And I can guarantee that you will not be pouring out this loving in vain! You will receive a return for your love a thousand fold... but it may take some time. Keep encouraging him to find a job, but try really hard to say it in a loving and sensitive way with no resenting tone in your voice.

As a wife, when we took our wedding vows we signed up to be our husband's number one fan and cheerleader. When we are doing this job well, our husbands stand tall and tend to flourish under this attention from us. But as their wife, if we are their number one enemy they will immediately deflate and shrivel under the pressures of the world. We have to remember to put the shoe on the other foot from time to time and look at things from their perspective. He's hurting right now and you can be a source of healing or just more pain for him. It's your choice.

 

 

Mojitomommy
by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 8:23 PM
I'm sorry Momma
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
C.S.K.L
by on Nov. 20, 2012 at 3:55 AM
I manage to clean house, work 3rd shift and take care of a 8yo,6yo,2yo and a 3mo and play video games all in one day!! So he needs to step up no sympathy for him on my end
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
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