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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

I don't know how much longer I can keep this up

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My husband lost his job two months ago and still hasn't found another one, but he hasn't really been looking very hard; he has unemployment, but he's getting half of what he was earning. I hate my job, but I have to keep working because I'm the main provider for this family right now.

I love my husband, but everyday when I come home nothing is done, the house is a nightmare, and I'm too exhausted from work to do anything about it.So guess what I get to do on my "day off?" Play catch up with the chores. On top of everything else, I'm pregnant again and the stress is wearing me down.

Something has too change, but it doesn't seem to matter when I talk to him about it. He says he can't get anything done when he's home alone with our son, but if I can do it I think he can too. He finds time to play video games, but he can't do the dishes or take out the garbage? I dont' think so. I might take all the controllers with me to work tomorrow.

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by on Nov. 18, 2012 at 6:09 PM
Replies (21-25):
AtillaTheHun
by Member on Nov. 20, 2012 at 4:00 AM

Write him a list with chores he has to get done by the time you get home. If this doesn´t help, put the controllers to his video game in your care when you go to work. If he wants to act like a irresponsible teenager, he needs to be treated like one. 

TamarKnochel
by on Nov. 20, 2012 at 11:48 AM
Hot,
In order to keep this about the OP, i'm going to PM you. :)


Quoting KeimUNCmomof3:

He will most likely be that way for the rest of your life.  Do something NOW about it.  Tell him to get off his lazy butt and help you with the house chores.  Otherwise, YOU will be the one doing everything for him, all the time.


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TamarKnochel
by on Nov. 20, 2012 at 11:52 AM


Quoting TamarKnochel:

Hot,
In order to keep this about the OP, i'm going to PM you. :)


Quoting KeimUNCmomof3:

He will most likely be that way for the rest of your life.  Do something NOW about it.  Tell him to get off his lazy butt and help you with the house chores.  Otherwise, YOU will be the one doing everything for him, all the time.


Wow! That SO didn't work out the way I thought it would! Sorry, I was using my phone and not the laptop so I pushed the wrong buttom when quoting! Sorry KeimUNCmormof3!

Queen_Sheila
by on Nov. 22, 2012 at 8:50 AM

i know some of what you're going through, my father was a construction worker and it was very stressful on my Mom and our family when he was laid off. Before the recession, he wasn't laid off for long before a big job would come along; however in 2006 he was laid off and never worked steady again. I think he went to one more job for about a month, but that was it. He was only a couple of years from retirement and receiving his full pension, they cheated him from that, he worked his whole life, my parents lost their house they had been paying on for over 30 years.

I don't know what advice I can give other than what Tamar has already said, but I can tell you this, my parents worked through it and they've been together almost 40 years. They haven't always done everything right, but they always apologized to each other after a fight. Maybe not right away, but it's never too late to say you're sorry for things you have said or done. Harsh words can hurt, but kind words can mend.

Quoting Hot_Badonkadonk:

OMG, I so desperately need your help! I do not mean to take away from the OP's posts but my marriage is in the shits right now.

We have experienced many lay offs because my husband is in construction and it has been an up and down roller coaster. I know I have come at him wrong with resentment. There are times I have been SO mad and taken everything out on him, and said some evil things. I get tired. I have always worked full-time and kept the benefits at a job I do not care for, gone to school, paid the bills, taken care of the kids & house... all while my husband sits around depressed, makes messes, drinks, and feels sorry for himself.

Things did get a bit better until I got pregnant last year and he yet again was back at home. We have said some awful things to each other. He now thinks I only love him for his check and I treat him as my toy soldier :o( I love the man with all my heart though! He is a good guy.

I just get so worn out doing EVERYthing. I have asked him nicely and tried the damsel in distress, but he knows me so well that he knows deep down I am cussing him. Ugh!

What do I do from here? I want to repair or marriage.

Quoting TamarKnocehl:

When men are depressed, which is most likely the case here (let's give him the benefit of the doubt for a minute at least), they pull themselves into a cave and lock the door. They tend to completely shut the world, and you, out because they don't know how to deal with the stress in their lives. Men are hardwired with the desire to be the provider for their family, and while some men have found ways to bypass this hardwiring, most men get massively depressed and down on themselves when they're not providing for their families. So they shut down. Playing video games gives them a way to cope with their believed failure as a provider by being a winner through the game. It gives them the confidence to move past their feeling as a failure by giving them small doses of winning.

Yes, they are distractions from the housework, but there is a high likelyhood that they are helping him deal with his feelings that are drowning him right now. I agree with the idea of giving him a "honey do" list. If you do this, do it carefully and sensitively. It's not a list of "You had better have all this done by the end of the day you lazy piece of ...", it's a "honey, I'm really stressed about all the work I'm having to do right now, can you help me?" By coming at him from the angle of a damsel in distress you will be appealing to his need to protect you. AND, as an added bonus, by working through this list of things to HELP you he will be building his confidence as well!  If he isn't able to get all the way through the list in one day, that's OK. Men feed on praise, pour it on right now! If he only gets one thing on the list done, GREAT! Thank him for doing it, praise him for the job well done, even if it's not the way you would have done it, it's still done and you didn't have to do it and that's huge isn't it? Talk about it all night long how much he helped you and how much you appreciated it. Talk to a friend on the phone about it with your back to him but so that he can still hear you. This will feed his bruised ego and make him desire to please you even more the next day.

His manhood is being threatened right now, the last thing he needs is a nagging wife. A harsh word stirs up anger, but a gentle response soothes wounds. Right now he needs you to love on him, he's hurt and in need of mending. I know how you feel, frustrated and HEAVILY BURDENED. Hang in there. Love him right now, because he NEEDS it more now than ever before. And I can guarantee that you will not be pouring out this loving in vain! You will receive a return for your love a thousand fold... but it may take some time. Keep encouraging him to find a job, but try really hard to say it in a loving and sensitive way with no resenting tone in your voice.

As a wife, when we took our wedding vows we signed up to be our husband's number one fan and cheerleader. When we are doing this job well, our husbands stand tall and tend to flourish under this attention from us. But as their wife, if we are their number one enemy they will immediately deflate and shrivel under the pressures of the world. We have to remember to put the shoe on the other foot from time to time and look at things from their perspective. He's hurting right now and you can be a source of healing or just more pain for him. It's your choice.


 


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Queen_Sheila
by on Nov. 22, 2012 at 8:56 AM

Thank you so much, this makes perfect sense! And I mean it, I'm not being sarcastic, men and women think differently and we all lose perspective of that from time to time.

We just got some really bad news about our van yesterday, it needed to be inspected and he took it to his brother, he said that it's not worth fixing. We only had one more payment on it, but we can't trade it in anywhere because I have no credit, he has bad credit, and now he's not working. He was very upset when we came home and i didn't know what to say to be of any comfort to him. We can't go to a buy here pay here place because they want too much money for the cars they have to begin with and they want $350 a month, we can't afford that, our payment for the van was less than half that.

Quoting TamarKnochel:

When men are depressed, which is most likely the case here (let's give him the benefit of the doubt for a minute at least), they pull themselves into a cave and lock the door. They tend to completely shut the world, and you, out because they don't know how to deal with the stress in their lives. Men are hardwired with the desire to be the provider for their family, and while some men have found ways to bypass this hardwiring, most men get massively depressed and down on themselves when they're not providing for their families. So they shut down. Playing video games gives them a way to cope with their believed failure as a provider by being a winner through the game. It gives them the confidence to move past their feeling as a failure by giving them small doses of winning.

Yes, they are distractions from the housework, but there is a high likelyhood that they are helping him deal with his feelings that are drowning him right now. I agree with the idea of giving him a "honey do" list. If you do this, do it carefully and sensitively. It's not a list of "You had better have all this done by the end of the day you lazy piece of ...", it's a "honey, I'm really stressed about all the work I'm having to do right now, can you help me?" By coming at him from the angle of a damsel in distress you will be appealing to his need to protect you. AND, as an added bonus, by working through this list of things to HELP you he will be building his confidence as well!  If he isn't able to get all the way through the list in one day, that's OK. Men feed on praise, pour it on right now! If he only gets one thing on the list done, GREAT! Thank him for doing it, praise him for the job well done, even if it's not the way you would have done it, it's still done and you didn't have to do it and that's huge isn't it? Talk about it all night long how much he helped you and how much you appreciated it. Talk to a friend on the phone about it with your back to him but so that he can still hear you. This will feed his bruised ego and make him desire to please you even more the next day.

His manhood is being threatened right now, the last thing he needs is a nagging wife. A harsh word stirs up anger, but a gentle response soothes wounds. Right now he needs you to love on him, he's hurt and in need of mending. I know how you feel, frustrated and HEAVILY BURDENED. Hang in there. Love him right now, because he NEEDS it more now than ever before. And I can guarantee that you will not be pouring out this loving in vain! You will receive a return for your love a thousand fold... but it may take some time. Keep encouraging him to find a job, but try really hard to say it in a loving and sensitive way with no resenting tone in your voice.

As a wife, when we took our wedding vows we signed up to be our husband's number one fan and cheerleader. When we are doing this job well, our husbands stand tall and tend to flourish under this attention from us. But as their wife, if we are their number one enemy they will immediately deflate and shrivel under the pressures of the world. We have to remember to put the shoe on the other foot from time to time and look at things from their perspective. He's hurting right now and you can be a source of healing or just more pain for him. It's your choice.



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