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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

Separation?? *small update* *another update** FINAL UPDATE!!!!!!

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Has anyone ever been through a separation and if so how did it work for you? Did the time apart help bring you closer together or further apart? My hubby and I are talking about doing it and I'm so confused with all my feelings. I know I don't want him to go but I don't want him or I unhappy :( Also what did you tell your kids? My dd is 6 so she will be asking where is he so I have no idea what to say. Any advice will help. Thanks in advance :)









UPDATE* so far we are still trying to find an apartment for him. Sucks that we have to spend all this money but I think we both need this. I finally got to the bottom of it and he thinks I'm not in love with him anymore. It really does make sense though. I am just so bored with life lately. I told him I really need to think about us and it is hard to do with him here. We have been through this crap way too much. I know you all don't know everything but for the last year or so it has been horrible. I'm miserable and just didn't want to admit it. I am really trying to think of myself now (I know selfish but if I don't know the truth then in another 6 months we will go through this again) and get to the bottom of this. I need to know if my heart is still in this marriage. I have started the love dare and it is really helping me so far =) I am just currently taking it day to day. Thanks everyone. I'll keep updating as we go along.





***UPDATE...We found my hubby a place where he can be a courtesy officer so rent is cheaper. Thank goodness. He left officially last night. Omg it was so hard for me :-( I didn't realize how much I really liked having him here. I'm all alone in my big ole bed and I hate it. I know I have to get use to it though. He signed a 6 month lease and after that he can do month to month. We hung out today though as a family still. He plans to come almost everyday anyways to see our dd but it is hard at night. Hopefully we can figure out what we want to do within 6 months because I don't think I can handle this for any longer than that. I'm doubting handling it for 6 months already. My dd just thinks he is at work or at the gym. We use both of those. He works a lot anyways so really she won't notice as much during the week. Only weekends will be hard. He is going to stay Christmas Eve and I'm actually really excited about that :-) I know silly but I think I'm realizing just how bad I treated him before :-( I'm stepping back and trying to see from his point of view and man I was not so nice. I want to be a good mother and wife. I need to slow down and stop stressing so much about little things. I'm learning so much about myself though. Thanks for reading this and letting me kinda vent. I've got to get this off my chest. I'll keep everyone updated. Still taking it day to day though.

FINAL UPDATE....we are divorcing! We finally realized that we were not happy with each other anymore. I am not in love with him and he is not in love with me. We both changed too much and don't like each other's new personalities. I tried to hide me for a long time. Tried to be someone I wasn't because I didn't want our marriage to fail but really that made things worse. I am sooooooo much happier now!! I've lost weight and I'm taking good care of myself. Love having plenty of time with my dd without all the stress of taken care of my grown ass husband. 14 more days and we will be legally divorced :-) I know usually divorce is sad and depressing but it really isn't for me. We told our dd Tuesday that he is living somewhere else for now. She is too young to go into details and the word divorce I think will scare her. She is taking it pretty good. She is excited about Greg's new place. She asked him if she could have a Justin bieber room there :-) lol love my baby girl. My stbxh and I are doing much better this way though honestly!! He is absorbed in work and I am having fun with my daycare kids and my dd. I love my job and my life soooo much! I didn't know I could be this happy without a man!!!!!!!! Life is great!!! Never thought I would be this happy when I'm getting a divorce!! Lol o well shit happens and this is my new life and I'm starting over and becoming an independent woman!!!!
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by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 8:31 PM
Replies (21-30):
ashleigh24
by on Nov. 20, 2012 at 10:05 PM
Hmmm maybe I should do counseling even if just for myself. Thanks for sharing :) glad you are happy with yourself now.

Quoting purplejbird:

sent DS to Nana's

Then we were separated about 5 months. Back together for 2 months and filed for divorce. 

during the 5 months, I got a lot of counseling. BEST thing I have ever done for myself. 

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ashleigh24
by on Nov. 20, 2012 at 10:06 PM
Anyone else?
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midjet117
by on Nov. 20, 2012 at 10:15 PM
1 mom liked this
Oh that sucks. My husband and i separated in Sept. We're in the process of getting back together. I never wanted to separate, he did. But the time, and space made him miss me. We actually started opening up to each other and communicating. Our marriage is stronger now than it ever was
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biancalina20
by Bianca Lina on Nov. 20, 2012 at 10:45 PM

 We seperated and got divorced...

Ashley_3
by on Nov. 21, 2012 at 1:31 AM
1 mom liked this

it really depends on the people and the situation. i went through a seperation and it ended up proving to us that the love was gone and the seperation is now a divorce. but i have a really close friend who went through a seperation a few years back and it brought them closer than ever, it made them realize how much they love each other and how they needed to put the small petty stuff aside. good luck and i hope everything works out the way you feel is right for your family.

ashleigh24
by on Nov. 21, 2012 at 8:29 AM
Thanks everyone for sharing!
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mbgb
by Member on Nov. 21, 2012 at 8:36 AM
1 mom liked this
I did after our first year of marriage. For 5 months but we didnt have kids. It helped us work out the kinks. We are pretty committed now through thick or thin. But it was definitely hard.
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jmjdj
by Bronze Member on Nov. 21, 2012 at 8:45 AM

We separated and subsequently divorced.  BUT...our situation sounds different than yours.  He was having an affair and he used the time we were separated to continue the affair.  I suggested the separation because I couldn't stand to be around him and needed time to think about what I wanted to do and couldn't do it with him there all the time.  (He was saying all he wanted was me and the kids, blah, blah, blah)  I didn't want to just throw away 15 years so I needed time.  The whole time, he was lying to me saying he wasn't seeing her then my kids would come home and say they were sleeping over at her house when they were with him.  At the time my dad was dying (cancer) and I was his only caregiver so I had to spend a lot of time out of town at a cancer hospital 8 hours from home. 

He used all of this time to be with her all the while telling me he didn't want a divorce.  He didn't even bother to come to the hospital the night I had to take my Dad off life support.  I watched him die completely alone and went home in the middle of the night heartbroken and needing someone and he was asleep on the couch.  I didn't even wake him. 

I waited 10 months to file for divorce and when I did he acted like I was the worst person in the world for "breaking up our family." 

I don't think all separations have to end in divorce, but it is telling to see what will happen during a separation.  What do they do if given the opportunity, etc.  It also showed me that I could make it on my own.

Good Luck to you.

AtiFreeFalls
by Bronze Member on Nov. 21, 2012 at 8:52 AM
1 mom liked this
In my opinion, all separation does is separate you. If you want to save the relationship, you have to work on living and working together, and you can't do that as well when you are living separately. If he's not totally against counseling, insist on it.
ashleigh24
by on Nov. 21, 2012 at 1:43 PM
Wow!!! Big huge hugs for you momma!!! You are very strong person going through all that. I'm so sorry for your loss :( I'm.glad you got away from your hubby I know that was hard though even with him being that way. No one wants to break up a family but sometimes you have to. I agree with you on every situation being different and not all have to end in divorce. I hope we can work through our problems. I just am so worried about telling my dd. I'm hoping we can come up with something to tell her to prevent her from hurting until we know for sure we are divorcing. This is her family and all she has ever known. My hubby does work a lot though so she only really sees him on the weekends and at night. He says he plans on coming to put her to bed some nights which makes me happy. I don't see this ending badly if we do get a divorce. I hope not but nobody wants a divorce but it is sometimes the best option. I know he will always be here for me and my dd no matter what. He is just that type of guy. Which is one of the main reasons I married him. He is a great guy. I'm hurt but I really think this is best for us right now.

Quoting jmjdj:

We separated and subsequently divorced.  BUT...our situation sounds different than yours.  He was having an affair and he used the time we were separated to continue the affair.  I suggested the separation because I couldn't stand to be around him and needed time to think about what I wanted to do and couldn't do it with him there all the time.  (He was saying all he wanted was me and the kids, blah, blah, blah)  I didn't want to just throw away 15 years so I needed time.  The whole time, he was lying to me saying he wasn't seeing her then my kids would come home and say they were sleeping over at her house when they were with him.  At the time my dad was dying (cancer) and I was his only caregiver so I had to spend a lot of time out of town at a cancer hospital 8 hours from home. 


He used all of this time to be with her all the while telling me he didn't want a divorce.  He didn't even bother to come to the hospital the night I had to take my Dad off life support.  I watched him die completely alone and went home in the middle of the night heartbroken and needing someone and he was asleep on the couch.  I didn't even wake him. 


I waited 10 months to file for divorce and when I did he acted like I was the worst person in the world for "breaking up our family." 


I don't think all separations have to end in divorce, but it is telling to see what will happen during a separation.  What do they do if given the opportunity, etc.  It also showed me that I could make it on my own.


Good Luck to you.

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