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Advice Please? Father in Law moved in with us.

Posted by on Nov. 29, 2012 at 1:54 PM
  • 5 Replies

My father in law was a union worker who traveled on his job. About 3 years ago he went through a divorce. He was still traveling and only home once a month. He suggested that he was going to sell his home because he was never there and would buy again when he retired in 2 years. We had a spare room available and offered to let him store his belongings there until retirement and sleep there during holidays or leaves from work. He ended up thanking us and did that. 

Well here it is 3 years later and he is still living with us. He retired in March. About a month before his retirement, I had asked him if he planned on staying in our hometown when he retired or what his plans were. He then shockingly told me that he "planned on staying here until he dies if that would be okay?" I was shocked to hear this. And didn't say anything. 

We live in a 3 bedroom house and have a 10 year old son. We have a lot of extended family that comes often to stay about once a month. We never have a spare bedroom to let them use (like we used to). He doesn't have any hobbies or interests. He literally sits in his bedroom all day and all night. When he comes downstairs, its almost like he is "scoping out" what we are doing. He doesn't ever say anything but rather just watches us. When my sisters come to town he is constantly watching their every move, to the point that my sister mentioned it weirded her out. (My home is very open to family that I trust). 

He doesn't help pay any of the bills and invites himself to our family dinners and events. Which is fine to a point. But we are a younger couple and sometimes meals are frugal. He doesn't offer to pay for any groceries for the household, but buys himself snacks and drinks and keeps them in his bedroom. He does buy toilet paper, paper towels, and coffee for the entire household (was never asked, but always keeps those items stocked). I just feel like a prisoner in my home. I want freedom with my husband. I want to be able to wear my night shirts while watching tv and go braless in the evenings. 

During the day when my husband is at work, I find myself "hiding" in the basement to do laundry just to get a break from him. He questions why we are so busy and has even went as far as sitting our family down to tell us that at the beginning of the year we "have to make time in our busy schedule for him to have bible study with us." I agree that our family needs to get in touch with our spiritual side, but I want to do it on my time, not be told I have to. Am I being ridiculous? And what would you do? I'm afraid to say anything because my husband's side of the family already doesn't care for me because they live a different lifestyle than us as far as my home is very tidy and I like to keep it that way, so they have said they feel uncomfortable coming here because they think I'm a neat freak. So I'm afraid if I say something then his family will really hate me. But even my husband has complained to me about his own dad, yet won't say anything. His father even went as far as telling my husband that he can "hear us at night." That was a very awkward moment and so now I'm constantly worrying about being too loud or the bed squeaking. Sorry TMI I know...What do I do??? 

Side note: His dad has no health problems, he is able to be very active, and he is very well off financially. All while we struggle to pay winter heating bills at times. 

by on Nov. 29, 2012 at 1:54 PM
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by Silver Member on Nov. 29, 2012 at 2:00 PM
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I think the 3 of you should sit down and help him make a plan to move out. He should understand you wanting your privacy in your own home. if he doesn't well that's just to bad.

by Bronze Member on Nov. 29, 2012 at 2:00 PM
I went through this EXACT same situation a couple of months ago, so I started finding places for rent for my fil and actually took him to look at them. I told my dh that it was long enough and I simply just "Needed my house back". Dh understood and my fil has been in his own apt for about 4 months and we love it. Btw we just had our 4th child and have a 3 bedroom home as well and the kids playroom is our basement and that's where my fil stayed at. So our kids would drive us insane because they couldn't play where their toys were. But if I were you I'd tell your dh that his father simply needs to find his own place or start paying some bills because no one gets a free ride! Good luck
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by on Nov. 29, 2012 at 2:22 PM

Thanks ladies. When you suggested to your father in law rentals, did he get mad or was he understanding? My FIL isn't a contraversial person, but I am always worried I am going to hurt someone's feelings. But he has to know that's its an issue, because he even made the statement to me that he was going to town for a few hours to window shop because he knows husbands and wives need their privacy. But he was back home in one hour. 

I even suggested that he take a nice vacation or go stay in a hotel to get a break since retirement and he just shrugs me off. Not only does my mind need a break but my lungs need a break. He also smokes pipe and since retirement he smokes it like crazy! The only thing that seperates our bedrooms is our walk in closet. I am now having to keep my dress clothes hung in the basement just to prevent them from smelling like smoke and one night I had to go downstairs to get air because the smoke was seeping in our room burning my eyes. 

I appreciate that complete strangers are allowing me to vent, it makes me feel better just getting it all off my chest! :) Very much appreciated!

by on Nov. 29, 2012 at 2:24 PM

How do I bring it up without him thinking I am pushing him out the door making him feel/know that he's bothering me?

by on Nov. 30, 2012 at 3:40 AM
Hi conanacole,

I went through a similar situation. I had my LO on June 1st 2012, my husband and I got married June 22 of this year and about a few days later after we got married my FIL stayed with us for almost 2 months. He doesn't work, no hobbies, heavy smoker, didn't shower, eat and drank everything, touched and kissed my LO right after smoking, would leave the front and back door open while he smoked, would let the dogs inside the house while we were out and watched TV in the living room ALL day, and it was some HBO shows that had sex and nudity (awkward much?)

I got to the point where I was literally having anxiety attacks! I had mentioned to my husband that i had agreed to a month only and that I couldn't take it anymore. He ignored my frustration and continued to let him stay with us until I sent him an email. I told him that I literally can not stand his father anymore and that we cannot be taking care of him financially since we are struggling ourselves. I told him that if his dad comes back after he leaves then I will have no choice but to stay with my mom while he is at our house. I told him that I felt that I lost my house and say-so. I also told him that if he doesn't care of how I feel in my own house then what is the point of staying together. Needless to say, my FIL will never be staying with us EVER again!

I think there is no easy way of telling him you want your FIL gone. You are just going to have to be honest with your husband. He needs to be understanding and put your needs first.
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