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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

After 12 years, got a dear Jane through email.

Posted by on Nov. 29, 2012 at 4:48 PM
  • 130 Replies

My husband recently sent my an email from Bahrain saying that it was over between us and that we needed to figure out what to do with the kids.  This came as a complete shock to me because we were fine and two weeks prior he emailed me telling me I was his soulmate and he didn't know what he would do without me. Now this.  I've had a hard time dealing with this.  I've been crying on a daily basis since and I feel like I'm falling apart.  He spoke to me one time and that was forced and he told me that since we had our last child the housework has suffered, I don't cook enough, and our sex life sucked.  We have 3 children together and one I had from a previous relationship before we met.  I'm trying to be strong for the kids but I feel like I'm losing hope. I don't understand if he was having these feelings then why wouldnt' he bring them to me sooner, not wait six months in Bahrain and everythings like normal and then all of a sudden "Bam" It's over.

I contacted a chaplain for spiritual guidance and to have someone to talk to as I have no family and no friends here.  He told me to get his command information, which I don't have and why is that relevant anyway.  I'm falling apart here and contacting his command isn't going to help me right now.  I need to deal with this so that I can move on with my life becuae apparently he has already.  No emails, no calls, nothing.  He won't even talk to me about what bills need to be paid or how much money he's going to need over there.  He just takes whatever with no thought as to what I need to keep the household going.

The bottom line is that I reached out for help, councelling for myself, anything to make this blow lighter and I've gotten nothing.

I just don't know what to do anymore.....

by on Nov. 29, 2012 at 4:48 PM
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SierraLynn
by on Nov. 29, 2012 at 4:54 PM
9 moms liked this
Is this his first deployment?
But no matter what number of deployments they can be stressful on them. Even in a non combat zone like Kuwait or something. It's the dress of being gone and away from families can be overwhelming.
I know this from personal experience as a soldier deploying and a wife left home.
Don't do anything drastic like file papers till he gets home and you two can talk about this face to face and maybe get some counseling both together and individual.
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Simfan
by on Nov. 29, 2012 at 5:12 PM

I appreciate your reply, and no this is at least his 5th deployment.  The difference is that this is a year long deployment and the others have been on a boat around 6-7 months long each.  After he arrived there he was so distraught that I'd never seen him like that before.  My husband rarely cries and he cried when he skyped me.  He told me that he missed me more than anything and he was just so tired and stressed out.  He could hardly bare being away from me.

Then everything changed about a month ago....

There is no correspondence between us anymore and he rarely skypes the kids which doesn't make sense because he told me that the kids are all he cares about now, yet he won't contact them.  I guess it may be because he doesn't want to talk to me.  It's as if I don't exist anymore to him and now like they don't exist.  I can't take another 6 months of this.  It's too much.  There is no correspondence regarding finances or anything of that nature and I know this is a very important thing becuase we have a joint account and we both need to know how much we have to work with to make things work both there and home.

I feel so alone.  I'm lost here.  He is the sole reason I am in Virginia and everyone close to me has passed away.  That's why I reached out to a chaplain but he wouldn't do anything unless I had information about his command, his ombudsmen, something.  I felt ashamed that I didn't know these things but I'd never had to know these things before...

I appreciate your suggestion but six more months of pain and depression and blaming myself, I just don't think I can deal with that.  I'm barely dragging through the days as it is and trying to make everything appear to be fine in front of my kids but in solace I cry a lot and feel I have no one else to blame but myself.  

You see I'm all for fixing the marriage and keeping our family together but it takes two to make it work and from the way he's acting, he done.

jennf622
by on Nov. 29, 2012 at 5:13 PM
When my husband deployed it was really tough. We married young and things were.rocky before he left. He was very stressed there and he wasn't himself ..I agree with sierra ...wait until he returna before taking any actions. If he is willing to work.things out I suggest going to.counseling which u can receive through military benefits.
I know its hard but stay strong.
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purplejbird
by on Nov. 29, 2012 at 5:26 PM
17 moms liked this

I think if the Chaplin told you to get the information about his commander, then you should do what you were advised to do. You did go to him/her for guidance and advice. 

AlannaMaria
by on Nov. 29, 2012 at 5:58 PM
1 mom liked this
I'm really sorry to hear that. I think going to Counceling and having someone to talk to will help a lot. Good luck and hang in there. * hugs*
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MusicMom823
by on Nov. 29, 2012 at 6:12 PM
35 moms liked this

I would suspect that being away from you this time may have made him vulnerable to another woman.  The sudden turn in affection, the disregard for his family's household needs monetarily, the push to make decisions NOW, not waiting until he returns...

The chapelin knows that getting your husband's command information can help him get in touch with your husband's commander and/or chapelin over there.  They might be able to find out what is actually wrong and help remedy the situation.  The military does try to help in these situations.

SierraLynn
by on Nov. 29, 2012 at 6:27 PM
Unless he has changed his direct deposit information for his pay or taking it all before she can pay bills and get food and what not, there isn't much the command can or will do. They don't get in the middle of domestic disputes.
But if he is showing signs of sever depression, which it sounds like they can have the chaplain there talk to him about it.


Quoting MusicMom823:

I would suspect that being away from you this time may have made him vulnerable to another woman.  The sudden turn in affection, the disregard for his family's household needs monetarily, the push to make decisions NOW, not waiting until he returns...

The chapelin knows that getting your husband's command information can help him get in touch with your husband's commander and/or chapelin over there.  They might be able to find out what is actually wrong and help remedy the situation.  The military does try to help in these situations.

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lazyd
by Member on Nov. 29, 2012 at 6:49 PM
13 moms liked this

What you need to do first is since you guys have a joint account, i would hope that your husband's pay is directly deposited into your guys' account?  What you need to do is go to a bank and set up a separate account in your name only.  Monthly, bimonthly, weekly, whatever it takes - take money out of your joint account and transfer it into your new account.  Just take enough for you to be able to take care of the kids, the household bills & yourself.  If this than forces your husband to live off less, than he will be forced to contact you.  Usually where your husband is deployed they have food & lodging for the military, so he shouldnt need money for that.  If you can i would just leave a little bit of money in the joint account - if he has access to it overseas BUT you need the majority of the money to keep a roof over your childrens' heads.  Than contact your husband's command and tell them what is going on so they can see if your husband is depressed or not and give him the help he needs.  I would not file for divorce or separation yet, until you can see your husband face to face.  Maybe something tragic happened overseas & he hasnt talked about it yet, but he's pushing you guys away and maybe thats his way of dealing with things or maybe he has met someone else.  (I would hate for that to be the case).  Sorry your having to deal with this - deployment is hard enough as it is - but the lack of communication is worst.   

MomToovey
by Marianne on Nov. 29, 2012 at 7:23 PM
I am so sorry, momma. (((HUGS)))
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jennf622
by on Nov. 29, 2012 at 8:27 PM
Definitely agree with the bank.account thing. If he's able to what he has done who knows if he will take.the money as.well ...u need to.support ur family so do what you have to.do!
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