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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

After 12 years, got a dear Jane through email.

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My husband recently sent my an email from Bahrain saying that it was over between us and that we needed to figure out what to do with the kids.  This came as a complete shock to me because we were fine and two weeks prior he emailed me telling me I was his soulmate and he didn't know what he would do without me. Now this.  I've had a hard time dealing with this.  I've been crying on a daily basis since and I feel like I'm falling apart.  He spoke to me one time and that was forced and he told me that since we had our last child the housework has suffered, I don't cook enough, and our sex life sucked.  We have 3 children together and one I had from a previous relationship before we met.  I'm trying to be strong for the kids but I feel like I'm losing hope. I don't understand if he was having these feelings then why wouldnt' he bring them to me sooner, not wait six months in Bahrain and everythings like normal and then all of a sudden "Bam" It's over.

I contacted a chaplain for spiritual guidance and to have someone to talk to as I have no family and no friends here.  He told me to get his command information, which I don't have and why is that relevant anyway.  I'm falling apart here and contacting his command isn't going to help me right now.  I need to deal with this so that I can move on with my life becuae apparently he has already.  No emails, no calls, nothing.  He won't even talk to me about what bills need to be paid or how much money he's going to need over there.  He just takes whatever with no thought as to what I need to keep the household going.

The bottom line is that I reached out for help, councelling for myself, anything to make this blow lighter and I've gotten nothing.

I just don't know what to do anymore.....

by on Nov. 29, 2012 at 4:48 PM
Replies (121-130):
julesbouge
by on Dec. 3, 2012 at 8:51 AM

Grab the money before he can get to it and set up your own account without him on it.  You have to take care of yourself and the kids right now.

LesleyRBrown
by on Dec. 3, 2012 at 9:25 AM

So happy things worked out for you ReadWriteLuv. I hope things work out for you too Simfan. I have a question for ReadWriteLuv. Do you think it depends on what branch of the military the it is with command not wanting to help? My sister's husband was in the Navy and he's cheated on her everywhere they have been stationed. Finally after having enough of it she went to his command, they investigated and found out the woman he was cheating with was also military and married. My brother-in-law and the woman were both disciplined and given the option to take an early retirement or be dishonorably discharged. They both took the retirement. He was really upset about because he wanted to continue his military career. I have a very good friend who is married to a man in the Army. When he was deployed he told her it was over after four years of marriage. So she decided to wait it out and see if he would come around, he never did. That was in 2001. As of today they are still married for years she didn't know where he was. She finally found out where he was after hiring a private detective to track him down. When she contacted his command she was told that if he wanted to contact her he would but apparently he doesn't since he hasn't. She was also told that she should be glad he married her so she could come to this country and that he hasn't divorced her because then she loses all her benefits. She went to see a lawyer about divorcing him last year but was told to stay married and let him divorce her when he gets ready because she'll receive some of his retirement when he retires since they've been married so long. What should she do? I've told her maybe it's time to move on but she keeps hoping that one day he'll come back to her.

katybee
by on Dec. 3, 2012 at 11:04 AM

  It seems to me like your husband needs help.  He may be experiencing some deep rooted fright feelings that he won't come back, he may be killed and thinks he is doing you a favor asking for divorce, so that if something happens to him you will be able to move on easier.  I think what the chaplain was meaning when he asked about his command is so that someone could be notified and perhaps your husband could get some counseling himself, I think all the deployments and time away from home and now being on the ground out there (as opposed to the relative safety of a Navy ship) is really getting him down.  I pray for your family and that your husband will be fine and that your marriage will survive.  Keep strong and listen to the chaplain.

Autiziumom
by Bronze Member on Dec. 4, 2012 at 1:11 AM
I'm so sorry! I would look. Into all ur finances and make sure u keep the house that way the children have stability. The children always suffer and they shouldn't suffer lossing their safe are! I know how that feels. And yes I recommend seeking the Lord in this time! He can really only help u in everything!
KellyNips
by Member on Dec. 4, 2012 at 8:50 AM
1 mom liked this

the chaplain told you to get in touch with his command so that you can start receiving support for your children.  the military takes good care of families and they don't take lightly military personnel not supporting their families.  take his advice and contact command.  they could also put you in touch with a support group.  good luck to you.

CarolynC71
by New Member on Dec. 9, 2012 at 4:21 PM

Are you at a military base? If so there are resources available to you. You just need to look for them. And you do need to contact his commanders. If you don't know who they are you need to find out.

I would suggest that you read Ms Vicki's web site especially the archives. She is a military wife and a social worker. She has given a lot of advice that will help you out. Her web site address is http://dearmsvicki.com/.

Redbrandoni
by on Dec. 9, 2012 at 10:13 PM

First you need to do whatever it takes to make sure you and those kids are gonna be ok. If he is taking too much money then find a way to stop it. If you're hoping for reconcile you still should have a plan b. Stay strong.

Simfan
by on Dec. 10, 2012 at 7:34 AM

No, it wasn't a fluke.  As of now everything stands as is.  The only time he contacted me was on my sons birthday to say happy birthday to him and that was a month ago.  Other than that, no emails, no phone calls, no nothing.  He claimed to care so much for the kids but he won't skype them at all.  He can "like" their photos and even mine on Facebook but he can't take that 5 or 10 minutes to Skype with his kids?  When he skyped on my sons birthday I made sure he only saw the children.  I was out of sight, just wanted to give him time with the kids.  Seeing as he seems to hate me so much.  That there should have told them that it's okay to skype with his kids and just becuase he now feels the way he feels about me then he can skype with them without having to bother with me.  

As far as the money goes, I took out the majority when we last got paid and left enough in there for what I figured he needs.  If he needed more than he didn't say anything to me about it.

I appreciate all the feedback from the moms and the hugs as well.  Some posters have had harsh words as well and I have taken them all into consideration.

Where I stand now?  I don't know what to do.  Idk what to do with this house, idk.  He doesnt' communicate with me at all anymore.  I want to leave and the only living relatives is a sister in Arizona.  I can't keep on like this.  I just want to leave this all behind me.  I'm tired of being depressed and feeling worthless.  

I got his command information but I feel now that their is no point in using it. 

Thanks for the feedback.

ReadWriteLuv
by Casey on Dec. 10, 2012 at 9:18 AM

I don't know so much about the branch of military, but it varies from command to command. My husband is Navy, and I have seen Navy people get in deep doo doo, but only if it's like you describe here when it's two service members having an affair with each other. If that happens they can punish them both. I haven't seen anyone get in trouble, other than a counseling session that sounds like "Hey, get your wife to quit calling here, please. Handle your personal life" in the Navy if it's a service member and a civilian. 

My cousin was married to a man in the Air Force who had a girlfriend on the side and moved out of their home to move in with her, he just left her high and dry with nothing. His command did absolutely nothing for her and basically told her to eff off, there was nothing they could do for her. 

Quoting LesleyRBrown:

So happy things worked out for you ReadWriteLuv. I hope things work out for you too Simfan. I have a question for ReadWriteLuv. Do you think it depends on what branch of the military the it is with command not wanting to help? My sister's husband was in the Navy and he's cheated on her everywhere they have been stationed. Finally after having enough of it she went to his command, they investigated and found out the woman he was cheating with was also military and married. My brother-in-law and the woman were both disciplined and given the option to take an early retirement or be dishonorably discharged. They both took the retirement. He was really upset about because he wanted to continue his military career. I have a very good friend who is married to a man in the Army. When he was deployed he told her it was over after four years of marriage. So she decided to wait it out and see if he would come around, he never did. That was in 2001. As of today they are still married for years she didn't know where he was. She finally found out where he was after hiring a private detective to track him down. When she contacted his command she was told that if he wanted to contact her he would but apparently he doesn't since he hasn't. She was also told that she should be glad he married her so she could come to this country and that he hasn't divorced her because then she loses all her benefits. She went to see a lawyer about divorcing him last year but was told to stay married and let him divorce her when he gets ready because she'll receive some of his retirement when he retires since they've been married so long. What should she do? I've told her maybe it's time to move on but she keeps hoping that one day he'll come back to her.


ReadWriteLuv
by Casey on Dec. 10, 2012 at 9:19 AM

Sorry to hear that. :-( 

I was hoping he was just having an episode.

Quoting Simfan:

No, it wasn't a fluke.  As of now everything stands as is.  The only time he contacted me was on my sons birthday to say happy birthday to him and that was a month ago.  Other than that, no emails, no phone calls, no nothing.  He claimed to care so much for the kids but he won't skype them at all.  He can "like" their photos and even mine on Facebook but he can't take that 5 or 10 minutes to Skype with his kids?  When he skyped on my sons birthday I made sure he only saw the children.  I was out of sight, just wanted to give him time with the kids.  Seeing as he seems to hate me so much.  That there should have told them that it's okay to skype with his kids and just becuase he now feels the way he feels about me then he can skype with them without having to bother with me.  

As far as the money goes, I took out the majority when we last got paid and left enough in there for what I figured he needs.  If he needed more than he didn't say anything to me about it.

I appreciate all the feedback from the moms and the hugs as well.  Some posters have had harsh words as well and I have taken them all into consideration.

Where I stand now?  I don't know what to do.  Idk what to do with this house, idk.  He doesnt' communicate with me at all anymore.  I want to leave and the only living relatives is a sister in Arizona.  I can't keep on like this.  I just want to leave this all behind me.  I'm tired of being depressed and feeling worthless.  

I got his command information but I feel now that their is no point in using it. 

Thanks for the feedback.


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