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After 12 years, got a dear Jane through email.

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My husband recently sent my an email from Bahrain saying that it was over between us and that we needed to figure out what to do with the kids.  This came as a complete shock to me because we were fine and two weeks prior he emailed me telling me I was his soulmate and he didn't know what he would do without me. Now this.  I've had a hard time dealing with this.  I've been crying on a daily basis since and I feel like I'm falling apart.  He spoke to me one time and that was forced and he told me that since we had our last child the housework has suffered, I don't cook enough, and our sex life sucked.  We have 3 children together and one I had from a previous relationship before we met.  I'm trying to be strong for the kids but I feel like I'm losing hope. I don't understand if he was having these feelings then why wouldnt' he bring them to me sooner, not wait six months in Bahrain and everythings like normal and then all of a sudden "Bam" It's over.

I contacted a chaplain for spiritual guidance and to have someone to talk to as I have no family and no friends here.  He told me to get his command information, which I don't have and why is that relevant anyway.  I'm falling apart here and contacting his command isn't going to help me right now.  I need to deal with this so that I can move on with my life becuae apparently he has already.  No emails, no calls, nothing.  He won't even talk to me about what bills need to be paid or how much money he's going to need over there.  He just takes whatever with no thought as to what I need to keep the household going.

The bottom line is that I reached out for help, councelling for myself, anything to make this blow lighter and I've gotten nothing.

I just don't know what to do anymore.....

by on Nov. 29, 2012 at 4:48 PM
Replies (11-20):
by Casey on Nov. 29, 2012 at 8:36 PM
8 moms liked this

#1. Don't bother contacting his command. They are not there to help YOU, and they won't do anything.

I'm also a military wife, my husband has been in the Navy for nearly 15 years and has been on multiple deployments ranging from two weeks to 9 months in length. And let me tell you, woman to woman, that there hasn't been one deployment that he has been on for more than 3 months that he hasn't pulled some shit on me and tried to tell me it was over and we needed to end it. Not. One. Deployment. Especially the ones in the desert, those are absolutely the worst. I'm not trying to downplay it, or excuse it, but you have to take this with a grain of salt and realize that he isn't in his right mind at the moment and it's very possible he doesn't mean what he is saying. The last three times my husband has done this it has become so commonplace that I just roll my eyes and tell him to call me after he's had 8 hours of sleep and a full meal. It's not him talking, it's the stress. 

I've been in your shoes. I've walked MILES in those shoes. From one military wife to another, you need to calm down and relax. Don't try to contact him, don't get desperate, just sit back and let him come around and he likely will.

by Jenn! on Nov. 29, 2012 at 10:20 PM
I'm very sorry! :( that has to be awful. I hope he talks to you soon & you can get this figured out. Hugs!
by Bella on Nov. 29, 2012 at 11:52 PM

 I am sorry to hear this : (

by Member on Nov. 30, 2012 at 9:10 AM

Quoting purplejbird:

I think if the Chaplin told you to get the information about his commander, then you should do what you were advised to do. You did go to him/her for guidance and advice. 

I agree, maybe he wants this info so that he can talk to him directly. He probably really is trying to help in whatever way he can, which means talking to you and talking to your husband. Good luck, I'm sorry, I don't know what else to say.

by Kendall on Nov. 30, 2012 at 11:18 AM

I'm so sorry sweetie!  (hugs)

by on Nov. 30, 2012 at 11:59 AM
2 moms liked this

 Well he's deployed and you've no idea what he's seeing/doing. Something may have happened over there to spark this change in him. I wouldn't make any decisions until he's been back in the U.S. for awhile and been evaluated for PTSD.

I'll tell you my DH did the same thing. He was AF and only deployed to Qatar for 4 months. They got an influx of casualties from elsewhere. After handling all those bodies he just had a mental snap and started telling me we needed to divorce. It was out of left field as well. It took a lot of time but he has recovered. So, just don't give up on him yet even though he's trying to make you.

Chaplain probably wanted his COC info so he could find out what was happening to your DH over there before talking to you. I'm not sure if your DH is enlisted or whatever but tricare should cover counseling services. Ask for a referral (for insurance purposes) and go off base.

Also, talking to his COC will at least make sure that your DH isn't taking money away from his family while he's suffering over there.

by on Nov. 30, 2012 at 2:05 PM
1 mom liked this
His command can make him set up an allottment to you so that you will have bills paid. My ex's command did that to him. Also, the military frowns on extramarital affairs, and if they find out he is having one, they will do something about it
I agree with a pp That it sounds like he has another friend going on over there, and that is why he has made What seems to be a decision out of the blue.
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by on Nov. 30, 2012 at 4:53 PM


by on Nov. 30, 2012 at 6:13 PM

I would be anything that something has happened on this last deployment.  

As for his command, you do need to conact them and get some stuff set up.  He is equally as responsible for what is going on at home as well as on his deployment.  He can't just shirk his duties.  The military has come a LONG way in what it will do to help spouses.  You and he are married at the moment and therefore you and your children are entitled to stuff, you will also be entitled to money if and when you divorce.  You have to make sure that you stay on top of this!  Do not sign away anything either.  

Maybe you can bring up going to counseling together to see if you guys can work on your relationship and if not at least come to peace with whatever happened to him on this last deployment.  

I was always told that what happens on deployment stays on deployment.  I met my husband when he was in Rota, Spain on his first deployment and we have been together now for almost 20 years.  I have watched plenty of men/women cheat on their spouses that were back home.  Very hard to watch and even harder when I came back to the states and met a lot of the spouses who were very unsuspecting of what the other did while away.  I was lucky enough that the man that I met and married chose to stay faithful to me and our vows that we took.  We did it the hard way, NO emails, texting, talking to each other all the time.  We had to actually write letters and budget in our weekly phone calls.  

I have also been on the other side of the spectrum when I was in my very first marriage to a Navy man, he as the military member raked me over the coals and left me with NOTHING....We were stationed on a isolated island that was Adak, AK.  

If you ever need to talk just holler!  HUGS to you.

by on Nov. 30, 2012 at 6:14 PM

Wow that is awful.

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