Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

After 12 years, got a dear Jane through email.

Posted by   + Show Post

My husband recently sent my an email from Bahrain saying that it was over between us and that we needed to figure out what to do with the kids.  This came as a complete shock to me because we were fine and two weeks prior he emailed me telling me I was his soulmate and he didn't know what he would do without me. Now this.  I've had a hard time dealing with this.  I've been crying on a daily basis since and I feel like I'm falling apart.  He spoke to me one time and that was forced and he told me that since we had our last child the housework has suffered, I don't cook enough, and our sex life sucked.  We have 3 children together and one I had from a previous relationship before we met.  I'm trying to be strong for the kids but I feel like I'm losing hope. I don't understand if he was having these feelings then why wouldnt' he bring them to me sooner, not wait six months in Bahrain and everythings like normal and then all of a sudden "Bam" It's over.

I contacted a chaplain for spiritual guidance and to have someone to talk to as I have no family and no friends here.  He told me to get his command information, which I don't have and why is that relevant anyway.  I'm falling apart here and contacting his command isn't going to help me right now.  I need to deal with this so that I can move on with my life becuae apparently he has already.  No emails, no calls, nothing.  He won't even talk to me about what bills need to be paid or how much money he's going to need over there.  He just takes whatever with no thought as to what I need to keep the household going.

The bottom line is that I reached out for help, councelling for myself, anything to make this blow lighter and I've gotten nothing.

I just don't know what to do anymore.....

by on Nov. 29, 2012 at 4:48 PM
Replies (31-40):
elijahXmom
by on Dec. 1, 2012 at 2:25 AM

EX navy wife agreed!!!

Quoting Hatred4none:

THIS!

Quoting ReadWriteLuv:

#1. Don't bother contacting his command. They are not there to help YOU, and they won't do anything.

I'm also a military wife, my husband has been in the Navy for nearly 15 years and has been on multiple deployments ranging from two weeks to 9 months in length. And let me tell you, woman to woman, that there hasn't been one deployment that he has been on for more than 3 months that he hasn't pulled some shit on me and tried to either tell me it was over and we needed to end it. Not. One. Deployment. Especially the ones in the desert, those are absolutely the worst. I'm not trying to downplay it, or excuse it, but you have to take this with a grain of salt and realize that he isn't in his right mind at the moment and it's very possible he doesn't mean what he is saying. The last three times my husband has done this it has become so commonplace that I just roll my eyes and tell him to call me after he's had 8 hours of sleep and a full meal. It's not him talking, it's the stress. 

I've been in your shoes. I've walked MILES in those shoes. From one military wife to another, you need to calm down and relax. Don't try to contact him, don't get desperate, just sit back and let him come around and he likely will.



Vixcalamity
by on Dec. 1, 2012 at 3:00 AM
1 mom liked this
Retired Marine wife doesn't agree. You yourself contacting them in a desperate plea is one thing but a chaplain doing it is another. If there is something going on that isn't being addressed it needs to be. I say find the info and pass it on. 4 children and a husband looking to divorce isn't pretty and quite frankly I wouldn't let my marriage die with out fighting for it. GL to you momma.





Quoting elijahXmom:

EX navy wife agreed!!!





Quoting Hatred4none:

THIS!




Quoting ReadWriteLuv:

#1. Don't bother contacting his command. They are not there to help YOU, and they won't do anything.

I'm also a military wife, my husband has been in the Navy for nearly 15 years and has been on multiple deployments ranging from two weeks to 9 months in length. And let me tell you, woman to woman, that there hasn't been one deployment that he has been on for more than 3 months that he hasn't pulled some shit on me and tried to either tell me it was over and we needed to end it. Not. One. Deployment. Especially the ones in the desert, those are absolutely the worst. I'm not trying to downplay it, or excuse it, but you have to take this with a grain of salt and realize that he isn't in his right mind at the moment and it's very possible he doesn't mean what he is saying. The last three times my husband has done this it has become so commonplace that I just roll my eyes and tell him to call me after he's had 8 hours of sleep and a full meal. It's not him talking, it's the stress. 

I've been in your shoes. I've walked MILES in those shoes. From one military wife to another, you need to calm down and relax. Don't try to contact him, don't get desperate, just sit back and let him come around and he likely will.



Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
DarlaHood
by on Dec. 1, 2012 at 3:33 AM
4 moms liked this

Well I'm not military wife, but I am sorry you're hurting, and I know it must be stressful dealing with all this emotional turmoil, 4 kids, a household, and bills.  I defer to those military wives who say maybe it's best to wait until he returns to do anything final.  But that doesn't mean you have to live in chaos and not be able to take charge of your life.  Go ahead and start building a support system, seek out a women's support group through your city, base, or a local church.  Find some other moms to trade baby sitting with so you can have some time to yourself and care for yourself.  Start evaluating your skills and assess where you can build on or strengthen skills, knowledge, or abilities to make yourself marketable.  Take classes if you need to.  Journal your feelings by either writing or drawing (or both), so that you have an outlet, and practice some deep breathing and self-calming techniques to you are prepared to deal with feelings of panic/anxiety if they arise.  Teach your kids to help as is age appropriate.  Consult a family law attorney and educate yourself about the things you will need to know/do IF you end up having to divorce when he returns.  Don't wait for him to return in a desperate sense.  Don't wait for him to make a decision.  Just set your mind that you won't make a decision until he returns.  Once he does return, have a discussion, and then decide what you want to do.  Don't wait for him to decide.  Just see what's up and make your own decision.  And if he doesn't seem like he wants to work on the marriage, don't try to make it happen.  Be prepared to take your kids and go on your way if he doesn't cherish being home with you. 

helpme5
by on Dec. 1, 2012 at 3:38 AM

Is he often swayed easily by whim?! I would say give it a couple days... cry it out and then get prettied up and be the woman he married and talk together. 

It would be too easy to let it just end it with out talking since his words prior to his going were so heart felt. At the same time you dont want to say things you dont mean, or things that are rash even if honest because you are overcome by emotion. 

My husband changes his mind constantly... his complaints wernt unlike your husbands... just to a different extream. I am a cronic cleaner, he works too much and when he is off he doesnt want to be home because I am always there. I was thankful that he was laid off 2 months later (for a year and a half) and I got a second full time Job, Arranged all the babysitting as if he was still working so he wouldnt dread being home, I kept up on my household dutys and he realized all that I did. Sometimes they forget. That was 5 years ago... although he admited he doesnt love me, he needs me.

If it was ment to be it will be, just be you!

Elle.tea.22
by on Dec. 1, 2012 at 6:53 AM
Quoting lazyd:

What you need to do first is since you guys have a joint account, i would hope that your husband's pay is directly deposited into your guys' account?  What you need to do is go to a bank and set up a separate account in your name only.  Monthly, bimonthly, weekly, whatever it takes - take money out of your joint account and transfer it into your new account.  Just take enough for you to be able to take care of the kids, the household bills & yourself.  If this than forces your husband to live off less, than he will be forced to contact you.  Usually where your husband is deployed they have food & lodging for the military, so he shouldnt need money for that.  If you can i would just leave a little bit of money in the joint account - if he has access to it overseas BUT you need the majority of the money to keep a roof over your childrens' heads.  Than contact your husband's command and tell them what is going on so they can see if your husband is depressed or not and give him the help he needs.  I would not file for divorce or separation yet, until you can see your husband face to face.  Maybe something tragic happened overseas & he hasnt talked about it yet, but he's pushing you guys away and maybe thats his way of dealing with things or maybe he has met someone else.  (I would hate for that to be the case).  Sorry your having to deal with this - deployment is hard enough as it is - but the lack of communication is worst.   




She can't just take money out even if it is for the kids because if I was her husband and I saw my spouse taking my money after I pretty much break up with her I would change my direct deposit to an other account. It only takes 10 minutes to set up a banking account with usaa. If she doesn't have a job and my income is what supports her and the kids nothing obligates me to give her my entire paycheck. I can give her the single/with dependents differential on bah (200 ish$) for rent etc, and proper child support. Her bills being her problem. Even shut off the utilities if they're in my name. That's how much I can do while deployed.
~*~*~ Because food will never taste as good as skinny feels~*~*~
~*~*~One bad meal can't make you fat. Nor can one healthy meal make you skinny~*~*~
cholita1978
by on Dec. 1, 2012 at 8:11 AM

 Is he at the Naval Support Activity in Bahrain? if that's the case they have a website, you can start there if you want to find out about his Command www.cusnc.navy.mil

If he is leaving you with no money to pay bills, and feed your kids his Commanding Officer can make him set up an allotment for that.  I've been in the Navy 11 years so I've seen it done.  I doubt he's seeing any combat, or awful things, a friend of mine just came from being there 8 months.  Don't let him fool you, and one more thing he is making good money over there; family separation money, no taxes are being taken out of his paycheck.

Of course all of the above is all up to you, sorry he's acting that way.

justpeachy71904
by Silver Member on Dec. 1, 2012 at 8:25 AM
Let.me start by saying I am sorry. I can't imagine one having your husband be away five times on deployment, two having three young kids at home alone, and three the shock and pain of this. Hugs.

Take the advice your sought. You went to the chaplain seeking advice, he gave it, take it. Don't question it. Sometimes the answers are right in front of us and we are too stubborn to see them. Do as he said.

Take the next 6 months as well to prepare, for whatever may happen. If he comes home and all hell breaks loose be prepared to leave. Be prepared to go to counseling. Be prepared. You have 6 months nothing but time to grab your bearings, mourn and get it together. You don't know what will happen. But get prepared for something.

Hugs to you. Stay strong. Pray
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
AmberRose1122
by on Dec. 1, 2012 at 9:12 AM
He is worried about housework and cooking?! Wth?
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
Shelly126
by Member on Dec. 1, 2012 at 9:21 AM
The chaplain asked for his information so I would get it for him. There is nothing you can do if he doesn't want to talk and if you start trying to contact him all the time, you could make yourself look bad. See how the chaplain can help you and keep stressing the kids miss talking to their father and he is taking money without concern for how I buy food for my kids. Make yourself look better by being rational and not falling apart or you may end up getting nowhere.
BeingMamaIsLife
by on Dec. 1, 2012 at 9:29 AM

If this came as a complete shock to you the Chaplain may have a point. Maybe your husband is going through something, a depression of the sort. I know that it is hard to believe but a lot of the time when families are away from each other they don't realize that something has happened.
Mind you he might just be a douche but I think you would know whether he is or not way before 12 years. So ask yourself, is this really him? If it isn't maybe he needs help and with such a big leap like this he may need big help and fast :/
If it is him or if you saw it coming then I would get his command information or call a local recruiting agent, they can generally head you in the right direction. Getting this information will get you the help you need hun. You will be able to use the lawyers, for free, through them and you can request counseling and such.
Just remember, you have to stay strong. When it seems like it is too much go and give each of your children big hugs and kisses and do something together....it helps, trust me. <3 I send you love, faith, and courage.

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)