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Help! My Husband Doesn't Like Sex and I Do! Have you ever dealt with a partner who didn't enjoy sex?

Posted by on Dec. 6, 2012 at 11:26 AM
  • 10 Replies

Help! My Husband Doesn't Like Sex and I Do!

Posted by Aunt Becky on December 5, 2012

Typically, men are seen as having a high libido, stopping at nothing to get some, and a lot of times, it's actually true. Many men I know are often ready to get down and dirty at a moment's notice.

But what happens when the tables turn? What happens when your husband or partner doesn't like sex ... and you do? How do you handle this crushing blow?

The first thing to remember, ladies, is that no one comes in a one-size-fits-all package, no matter how nifty it would be. Part of this is what makes us who we are. Having a low libido doesn't make you a freak, just like having a high sex drive doesn't. It's only a problem when both partners can't meet on the same (sexual) page, and I don't mean instances of a physical inability to be intimate.

But it's almost impossible to not feel a hit to the self-esteem when your husband doesn't want to have sex with you when you're raring to go. Once or twice -- that's a different ball game entirely. But when you're getting rejected more than you're getting action, it's time for some (other) type of action.

One of the first things you can do is to take a step back and think -- really think -- about whether or not this is a deal-breaker for you. For some of you, this sounds awfully petty, but sex is an important part of intimacy. Put that way, it sounds less petty, and it's important to consider if this is the way you can live for the rest of your life.

Then, you're going to have to have an open and frank talk with your partner about intimacy -- both in and out of the bedroom. No hostility allowed. Take that hurt ego and check it at the door. This talk will be a hard one, but important for both of you. Rather than accusing, "You never want to have sex with me," try, "I notice that we're not physically intimate. What's going on?"

The answer can be something as simple as a medication change (there are a large number of medications that can decrease sex drive) or spending more time connecting outside the bedroom!

But perhaps the answer is something more difficult to stomach -- maybe he's always had a low libido and that's part of who he is. Maybe he's experienced a trauma and is unable to be intimate without flashbacks. The reason can be anything.

The next step is to find a therapist who specializes in sexuality and see if that person can help you two reach a common ground sexually. If the first therapist you visit annoys one or both of you, find a new one. It's important to get this right!

Have you ever dealt with a partner who didn't enjoy sex? How did you handle it?

by on Dec. 6, 2012 at 11:26 AM
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by on Dec. 6, 2012 at 1:04 PM

No, It was important to me bc I always had a very strong sex drive so I made sure we were sexually compatible while still dating fairly early on and talked openly about it with whoever I was with.

I did that so It was before I could possibly fall in love with someone not compatible with me for my sake and theirs too but I think if for example now that I am madly in love with my husband and been together 9 yrs I am sooooo in love with him that if he lost his sex drive for some reason first we'd have him go the dr to see if there is anything that can be helped and if it couldnt I am sure we would compromise and have sex less often to meet in the middle so we both would sacrifice some for the other just out of love and compassion. : )

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by on Dec. 6, 2012 at 3:56 PM

OMG I would cry.


by on Dec. 6, 2012 at 4:28 PM

:/  My exhusband seemed to have a low libido.  Never wanted to be intimate.  He even went on hormone therapy to see if that would help.  Well, I guess that wasn't the problem.  He was a cheater and was getting it elsewhere.   Soooo, I left him.  Now I'm happily married to a man who is a perfect match for me.  I guess I had to kiss a toad to get a Prince. 

by on Dec. 6, 2012 at 6:04 PM
I actually have this problem but it is not him who lost his sex drive it was me. We don't know how to fix it. Because i feel like I am not romanced enough, and not being apprecated for what i do. He feels like I dont want to do it because i am not attracted to him, and am too focused on the family.
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by Silver Member on Dec. 6, 2012 at 9:55 PM
We went through this the first year we were married. We didnt live together first so of course I figured it would be everyday everywhere (well where it could be in a 1 BR apt! Lol)

Boy was I wrong! And we fought. And begged. And asked why. And talked. And fought some more. And its not like were never doing it. Just not nearly as often as i thought we should be. Maybe 1x weekly?

Im very close to my mom and tell her everything. So she told me "one day you wont care. Trust me." of course I didnt.

But guess what? 11 years and 2 kids later, she is right. I DONT CARE. Well, most of the time! And he is now the intiator. And if we go a month Im good with that! Lol!

But the way things are now makes me KNOW that once the kids grow up and we can get back to being US it will be a million times better than in the beginning. We appreciate it now. We CANT have it all the time even if I do want it. So it has gotten exponentially better over the years.

Things change. They always do. We are so happy with us right now. And we look forward to having more us time in future years! His libido is just right for me now. :)
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by on Dec. 6, 2012 at 9:59 PM

I'm going threw this now ;( it sucks and i feel unwanted but id feel like scum if i were to divorce my hubby over this because i do love him but  this is a big problem for me.

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by Marianne on Dec. 6, 2012 at 10:28 PM

 My husband works 50-60 hours a week during the slow seasons. More during peak seasons. So he's pretty much always gone, always working very hard, and always very tired. Sex is often the last thing on his mind. Whereas I get to sleep in, stay home, my biggest deal is the 3 hours a day, 3 days a week of homeschooling our 3 year old. So I'm just always ready. But we have a deal that we don't mind masturbation as long as the other isn't home (why masturbate if you can have the real thing?) so I tend to take care of myself at least once a week, and rely on him the rest of the time. It's great for both of us because I'm not pressuring him, but still getting what I need, LOL!

by on Dec. 7, 2012 at 1:18 AM

He enjoys sex almost too much. He is the only person I have been with so I can't say I have ever had someone who didn't like sex.  He loves it.

by on Dec. 7, 2012 at 10:46 AM

ever tried to entertain yourself? on some of his off days

by on Feb. 22, 2013 at 5:13 PM

Im the one with that problem, not my husband. I feel bad NOT wanting sex. After my 2 kids, I just don't have any desire to have sex. I can't even tell you the last time I had sex and I'm ok with it. Sometimes I wish I could change because I wouldn't want him to find it somewhere else...But idk how to push myself into liking it... hmm..

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