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Need advice from those who have been with DH/SO for 10 or more years.

Posted by on Dec. 11, 2012 at 3:15 AM
  • 18 Replies

DH an I have hit another tough spot. We have been together for almost 9 years. We had a hard core fight, he spent a few days with his mother, I said he could come home because his family was causing even more drama but I wasnt ready. Needless to say Im stuck. I told him Im not ready an not sure how I feel just yet. I do love him but the way he treated me made me hurt an scared. (he was drunk, I wanted to leave, I packed my things an went to get the kids an he kept pushing me down, he called the cops went to jail an is now going to get help by him self) Its not just what happened its more then that. We are unhappy were we live. He is working on getting a really good job but that has been put on hold due to court an all that follows it. We where planning on moving soon to. I love him but Im not happy an I dont feel all lovely to him. What can I do? How can I get pass this. Whats a good way to add "wood" to the fire.

by on Dec. 11, 2012 at 3:15 AM
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by Bronze Member on Dec. 11, 2012 at 4:02 AM
Add wood to the fire or water?
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by Silver Member on Dec. 11, 2012 at 6:15 AM
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Well, first of, Ive been with DH 12 years, married almost 11. He has NEVER gotten drunk and pushed me and called me names. He has never done that sober either. So thats a red flag for me and I would not accept that and I would leave and not look back. THat's my dealbreaker. (FTR, neither of us has ever walked out and spent time somehwere else because we were fighting either)

But thats just me. I wont stand for abuse. 

If you are looking for excuses for his behavior then sure, I can give that to you. He's stressed about work. Once he gets that really good job, it will be better. Once you guys move to somewhere better he will be happier and it will be better. 

He only did that because of all the stress. As for you, give him time to cool down. Leave him alone for a while and he will get better. I have no magic formula for getting that "lovey dovey" feeling back. It comes and goes in all relationships. My first year of marriage my motto was "just stay married" (hard transition for me). It always comes back eventually. I am not going to tell you to try anything romantic or nice for him because really, he doesnt deserve it.

Good luck to you.

by on Dec. 11, 2012 at 8:39 AM

he called the cops on himself? so he knows he is out of control?  If he has done this repeately then I would leave him.

by Gold Member on Dec. 11, 2012 at 10:26 AM

I was with my ex for 9 years. We had a beautiful marriage. Year 7 things started to get rocky. (after his deployment). I begged him to get help for his anger. He said he had it under control. Long story short, by year 9 I was terrified of him. The final straw was when he hurt me really bad infront of our kids. 

I would of never thought our marriage would fail. It has been 5 years and I am still crushed over it. 

Your dh needs to admit he has an issue and willing to work on it. Try counseling. If you can't afford it there are alot of free marriage programs. Both of you have to be willing to work on it. Goodluck hun.

by Casey on Dec. 11, 2012 at 11:40 AM

We've been married for 11 years. We have had some pretty wicked fights, but neither one of us has ever walked out, and we've never had the police involved. I think once you've had him sent to jail, that's pretty much the end of things. He has a record now. You're never going to get past this. And I wouldn't trust the, "I'm going to get help on my own" thing for one milisecond. What does he mean by that?

We hit a rough patch at year 7 and were both kind of done, but we stayed together. We hit another rough patch a year or two later when he went insane during a middle east deployment, (not unlike the PP above me), and he tried to divorce me from half a world away because he thought I was too into Twilight and was going to leave him for Robert Pattinson. (*EYE ROLL x 10*) 

by on Dec. 11, 2012 at 12:54 PM

 If I were to ever call law enforcement on my husband there would no longer be a marriage. You were afraid for your safety, I'm sorry, why would you stay?

by on Dec. 11, 2012 at 12:56 PM

 So is he getting a felony conviction? DV is usually a felony and if he gets that, well kiss any really good jobs goodbye.

by on Dec. 11, 2012 at 1:01 PM

I've been with my husband for nearly 10 years (two and a half months shy of our anniversary).

It might help to set some goal dates.  Give yourself a set amount of time to work on things then reevaluate when that time is up.  If you've been together this long giving yourself 6 months to work it out is just a drop in the bucket.  Making a laid out plan of attack will make it easier to track progress.  Seeking outside counseling (if you're religious many Churches offer the services for free for couples) can really help you root out the base cause of the unhappiness making it easier to work on them.

by Bronze Member on Dec. 11, 2012 at 1:22 PM

Oh honey.. I have no idea what to tell you.. 

Dh and I have been together for 21 years and will celebrate 17 years of marriage in 2 weeks. We have never had a fight like that.. we disagree, but we don't yell at each other, nor do we hit, etc. Neither of us have ever walked out either. 

If your husband has put his hands on you in anger, that is a red flag. I'm not sure how to get past the hurt and anger over that or if I could. I would try so very hard to forgive, but I would not stay due to my childrens' safety as well as my own. I value myself and my children more than staying with someone that would abuse me as I could never trust that person not to turn on the children. 

I'm a devout Christian so I would personally pray about the situation, however...not everyone has the same beliefs as I do. I would seek counselling first and foremost. I would also insist that he go to counselling as well. 

I'm sorry this happened and I hope that you are able to make a decision that you are happy with in the future. 


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by on Dec. 11, 2012 at 1:43 PM
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My long standing question in situations that sound an awful lot like abuse is this:

If this were 20 years down the road, and your daughter was standing in front of you telling you this exact story about her own relationship, what would you tell her to do? THAT is probably your answer.

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