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marriage help

Posted by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 9:22 AM
  • 32 Replies

Hi everyone, I just joined this group and I need a little advise.  My husband is a bartender at a local bar and he usually has to close, so he doesn't get home until 4am.  A few months ago (about a month after getting the job) he started coming home later, like 7am after I have already been up for an hour or so.  At first it wasn't that big of a deal. He said it was because he was being expected to take care of the people at the afterbar party (make sure they get home), which I didn't have a problem with.  Then he started talking about this old friend (girl not an x) of his from highschool that had started coming in on his days to work.  He said that she was going through some tough times and that she needed a friend. I was fine with that, untill it started to be all I ever heard about and they were started to call each other everyday that he had to work.  I talked to him and told him that I felt uncomfortable with him spending so much time with her.  He got mad and we got into a fight.  In the end I thought he had understood where I was coming from and my concernes with this lady friend.  But a couple of weeks ago I had got up in the morning and he still wasn't home from work at 7am, so I called him to see if everything was all right and he didn't crash on the icey roads or anything.  He told me he had fallen asleep at his dad's house after work and that my phone call just woke hime up and he was on his way.  He got home told me after work he had gone to his dad's to get some sleep before driving home because he was exhausted.  Again I didn't think anything of it.  A couple of days later we go to get his paycheck from work and he ends up having to cover a 2 hr shift.  When he gets done,. he tells me that there is a rumor going around that he slept with this girl that he's be talking to.  At first I figure whatever rumors will be rumors.  But when I got home I wondered a little so I brought up the phone history on the computer and saw that a bunch of texts had been made to this girl, and he had called her before and after the 2 hr shift he had covered.  So I asked him about them.  He said the texts were about pool leauge and that the phone was full so he had to delete them (that's common)  Then he looked me straight in the eye and said "but I did not make those calls, the phone company must have messed up, you should call them tomarrow"  I didn't believe him but it was obvious he wasn't going to tell me the truth right then, so I said whatever and continued my day.  That night I had woke up in a panic from a bad dream and my Husband was up (this is also common) he came over and told me there was something that he had to tell me, that he wasn't at his dad's house the morning I called, that he was at this girl's house with her roommate just hanging out and talking.  He said he lied because he was afraid I would be upset.  Later he told me it was because the girl's roommate was a little weird and didn't want him to say who he was with and where.  I really want to believe that nothing happened or is going to happen like he says, but I don't know if I can believe what he is saying, There seems to be so much evidence against him.  But I love him with all my heart and and really beleive he loves me too, I'm just afriad he is hinding something from me.

Does anyone have any advice I could get.  (please refrain from telling me to leave my husband, running is never the answer)


by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 9:22 AM
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Replies (1-10):
babyblue415
by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 9:27 AM
1 mom liked this

 marrige counseling?

C.S.K.L
by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 9:32 AM
Maybe you should explain that now you don't trust him, and you want to be told the complete truth all lying a bs set aside, he shouldn't be doing things that would upset you like that and that he's need to lie about
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AlannaMaria
by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 9:38 AM
7 moms liked this
First I would ask him to stop calling, texting this women. A married man has NO buisness calling & texting another women and lieing to his wife.

I guess you should try marriage Counceling. Good luck! * hugs*
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jlee212
by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 10:01 AM

I did try that and he said nothing happened and that she is just a friend. I really want to believe that but I keep getting sick to my stomach when I think about it.

Ms.Maaamaof2
by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 10:03 AM
10 moms liked this


1.) Phone companies do not randomly add calls (especially to a girl that is in question for supposed "hookups" when your not around) If they did there would be other call log discrepancies as well

2.) Why would he even tell you about the "rumors" knowing you are uncomfortable unless it was out of guilt? If it was just a rumor he should let it be that

3.) It sounds like you believe everything he says even when you should not. He is giving you a reason to mistrust him.

4.) Sounds like he has given a whole lot of excuses almost to the point that he can not keep up with them

5.) Women friends are fine like you said but when they start becoming more important that his wife that is a MAJOR problem

6.) Add on to 5....No other women should interfere in a relationship

7.) Sounds like he uses his job as an excuse to do whatever he wants, not cool. Just because he brings in a paycheck does not mean he gets to put his vows he made to you on the back burner


Also, question? Does he get paid for these "After party" gigs he is going? If not, I think he should be home with his family.


My personal opinion and I am sorry if this is offensive in anyway is that it sounds like he is full of s$%^! My suggestion is to address the issues and not let it slide, recommend some kind of counseling and if it continues do not sit back and take it. As women we are easily swayed and let people take advantage of us more often that we should, you need to stick to your guns because this is not okay.

CrazyLife1996
by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 10:06 AM
2 moms liked this
Trust has been broken and I'm sure there is a lot more to the story. I will tell you that until he is 100% truthful and then becomes completely transparent you will never move forward.

Sometimes to find out the truth is confront the other woman.


Quoting jlee212:

I did try that and he said nothing happened and that she is just a friend. I really want to believe that but I keep getting sick to my stomach when I think about it.


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Ms.Maaamaof2
by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 10:09 AM

THIS! THIS! THIS!


What she said! If he is not going to tell the truth, and she is "just a friend" should not be any harm in talking to the other girl right??

Quoting CrazyLife1996:

Trust has been broken and I'm sure there is a lot more to the story. I will tell you that until he is 100% truthful and then becomes completely transparent you will never move forward.

Sometimes to find out the truth is confront the other woman.


Quoting jlee212:

I did try that and he said nothing happened and that she is just a friend. I really want to believe that but I keep getting sick to my stomach when I think about it.



The_Doodle
by Bronze Member on Dec. 12, 2012 at 10:12 AM

I would make sure to get a contact number for her and flat out tell him that you are not comfortable with their friendship and if he doesn't cut off contact, that you will do it yourself and you will not be nice about it. Even if he is innocent, he is being shady as hell. This is one time that you should act like a huge bitch about it because he is obviously abusing your trust in him. I'd also set up a babysitter a few random nights one week and show up at his job at last call and see how true the afterbar party caretaker excuse is. 

CrazyLife1996
by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 10:12 AM
Absolutely and making it clear that he is off limits is another way to do it. Put the fear of a wife/mother into a whore seems to do the trick.


Quoting Ms.Maaamaof2:

THIS! THIS! THIS!


What she said! If he is not going to tell the truth, and she is "just a friend" should not be any harm in talking to the other girl right??


Quoting CrazyLife1996:

Trust has been broken and I'm sure there is a lot more to the story. I will tell you that until he is 100% truthful and then becomes completely transparent you will never move forward.



Sometimes to find out the truth is confront the other woman.





Quoting jlee212:

I did try that and he said nothing happened and that she is just a friend. I really want to believe that but I keep getting sick to my stomach when I think about it.





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edelweiss23
by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 10:13 AM
1 mom liked this
Sounds like he is cheating, and you are letting him get away with it.

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