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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

what to do after the affair????

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first a brief background, I have been happily married for 12 years. always a close marriage my husband was a very good man. everyone who knew him considered him a proud family man and husband. and I know how cliche this sounds but he truly was the last person anyone would think would do something like thIs. in July I discovered texts and emails and realized he had begun anan affair with his boss. he had had no history of infidelity, and this came as a complete surprise. he then proceeded to move out and continue his affair for 4 months. I could see that he was conflicted. I knew deep down that he still loved me but he was stuck in a situation he didn't know how to get out of. I later spoke to his mistress and she admitted how determined she was. he had extreme difficulty removing himself from the tempting situation when he worked with her so closely everyday. just when I have accepted that I was going to be divorcing, he suddenly cut off his relationship with her. he handed over his phone and confess to me that he knew he had made the biggest mistake of his life, that he felt that he kept crossing lines he couldn't come back from, that he knew that he wasn't in love with her. he has not spoken to her since it's been 2 and a half months now. she sent him several angry emails and my husband even asked me to call her and tell her that it was over because he didn't want to have a conversation. here's my question... when do you know when to give someone another chance? I do know he loves me. I do know he had nothing but passing lust for her. and I do know this is not in his character. and I forgive him as a human. I do understand that sometimes humans can act in ways against who they are, we have all done it. I forgive him, but sometimes the gravity of what he's done to me is too much. especially given the fact that we've always had such a good relationship. I don't know how you could do this to your best friend and wife. when do you move on? and if you choose to say stay how do you deal with the memories? he says it was a major crisis he had, and the circumstances add him cornered in such a way that you didn't know how to get out, but as any woman would I question that. he had always been faithful, and now he took away my dream of being in a relationship with a faithful man. I was so proud to be with him. everybody including his family thought he was 1 of the good guys. his own parents were blown away by the fact that he did this. it was just so not who he was. should I move on in hopes of having a relationship with no infidelity in it?? Or should a build new relationship with the good husband that I had before the affair. this thing is is that he was a good husband for 12 years, and then for 4 months he became a different person. he did hurt me very very much, and for that for much she was the priority and I was insignificant. she was on her way to a divorce already so she didn't care who she hurt, I had several conversations with her throughout the affair. and she was clearly very selfish and didn't care about me my marriage or my children. she felt she was on her way out of her life and wanted to start a new 1 with him, that's why she was very angry when he ended it she thought she was going to be the 1 that didn't end up hurt. I can't believe my husband was with a woman like this. on the outside there was no reason why he should have been with her. it actually looked ridiculous to family members. nobody understood why my husband would have left for a woman like that. which makes me realize that it really must have been a crisis with his own self. if anyone has had any experience with this please let me know what to do. I go back and forth some days I think I can forgive easily and other days I want to pack my bags.
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by on Dec. 27, 2012 at 6:37 PM
Replies (21-30):
kgsharber
by Member on Dec. 28, 2012 at 12:59 PM
3 moms liked this
First. He needs to grow a pair and tell this "lady" straight out he is done with her, that is not your job. Also, he is not an innocent victim. You are making it seem like he was her prey and he had no choice but to fall victim to her antics. Pshhh..... he is JUSTus guilty as her.

Also, she needs to be reported to HR at their work.
Monsita
by Silver Member on Dec. 28, 2012 at 2:21 PM

I wrote a post  "Your husband wants to have an affair with me"  because something like that happened to me this july, only 5 montghs ago......

I totally feel your pain and mixed emotions!!

Posting here was very brave of you!    When I did post here....I got exactly what I needed to hear, not so much what I wanted....however, it all helped me to see EVERYTHING UNDER A DIFFERENT LIGHT!!

We have been seeing our church leader and a marriage counselor  WHO HELPS US TO FIND OUT that for some men,  some cheating has nothing to do with HOW UNHAPPY THEY ARE or how much sex life they have with their spouse....in some cases it has to do with simply being egocentric and selfish!!

Knowing the reason why?  can truelly help you to heal and move on!  THOUGH THE PAIN COMES AND GOES; We are dating once a week; we go out just the two of us for a walk in the park, for a movie, for a cup of coffee, and though it seems not much IT IS HELPING US!

There is hope for both of you...Best of luck!hugs

 

 

MiniMax
by on Dec. 28, 2012 at 2:46 PM

BUMP!

Serenity7
by Platinum Member on Dec. 28, 2012 at 4:15 PM

 Your memorys will never go away but you can forgive and move on with your life. It just takes time

kaitybird
by on Dec. 28, 2012 at 5:23 PM

This is a hard one.  You have to do what is right for you and NO one else.  If you love your husband and are willing to put forth the effort and try then you have to work through the issues at hand.  This may mean counseling to come to terms with it all.  Trust is something that your husband is going to have to earn and it will not be easy at all.  There are going to be days where you question everything and get angry for little things. 

Keep a journal between you and your husband that way you both can write back and forth.  This helps with a lot of things.  I can't express how important it is to talk about everything NO matter how painful it may be.  Then maybe through this you may be able to firgure out why your husband chose to have an affair.  Also keep a journal just for you.  You have to be able to forgive and move past this.  You will never forget.  You can move forward and make your marriage stronger than what it was.  

Good luck to you and your husband.  You can do this if you really love this man and treasure what you have.  It is possible.  

I have been where you are at on both sides.  I also watched my father do this to my mother and they worked through it all to have an even stronger relationship.  It was by no means easy for her to forgive or move forward it took her a long while.  Through out all of this my mother developed Alzheimer's & Dementia and lost her battle in 2011.  Now we watch my father struggle with life trying to move on!

Mandi812
by on Dec. 28, 2012 at 9:37 PM

As much as I wanted to read this.  I had the issue of a huge block of letters, and it not being broken up in to paragraphs.

sandra1023
by on Dec. 28, 2012 at 9:48 PM

How long ago did this happen?  This will not go away overnight.  I haven't been through an affair, but I have been through betrayal in other ways (as most of us probably have), and it takes a LOT of time.  You will have good days and bad days, then good weeks and bad days, then good months and bad days, then you will be fine for a year or so and still end up having a bad day.  It will be there in the back of your mind for a long time.  It does get easier, but you have to be ok with how long it will take to get back to the way it was.

AllergyFreeMom
by on Dec. 28, 2012 at 10:27 PM
1 mom liked this

I think I can understand ans sympathize with you. while I have been married going on 7 years. I have been with the same man for the past 12 years. He was my best friend that turned into my husband. Yesterday, I learned that he had a secret affair. While his infidelity was abut 1 month, that didnt mean it hurt any less. We talked and talked and while I love him very much I have never been this hurt in my life. Currently we have a lot of stress in our lives and he has been struggling with his own depression ( he was laid off of his job and the sole provider for our family)   I saw a text on his computer from this woman. After confrontation he was actually ready to pack and leave but then he was apologetic. I forgave him for the act because I do realize that sometimes a good man can give in to depression. While I really want to make our family work, I can't seem to get images out of my mind. I love him with all of my heart and I know we can work through this. I need to try and heal. 

wineisfine
by on Dec. 28, 2012 at 11:20 PM

 I would not stay, he walked away from your marriage for a bit of temptation...what is to say he will not do it again. Then he wanted you to call her and tell her it was over, because he did not want to deal with it. I would move on with my life, I would focus on myself and my children.  He now knows that you will take him back when he betrays his marriage vows, do you really want to spend the rest of your life waiting to see if he will do it again?

Lindalou907
by Silver Member on Dec. 29, 2012 at 5:51 AM

It's just going to take time and work. There's a book called "After the Affair" that's the best on the subject. You should both read it.

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