Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

what to do after the affair????

Posted by   + Show Post
first a brief background, I have been happily married for 12 years. always a close marriage my husband was a very good man. everyone who knew him considered him a proud family man and husband. and I know how cliche this sounds but he truly was the last person anyone would think would do something like thIs. in July I discovered texts and emails and realized he had begun anan affair with his boss. he had had no history of infidelity, and this came as a complete surprise. he then proceeded to move out and continue his affair for 4 months. I could see that he was conflicted. I knew deep down that he still loved me but he was stuck in a situation he didn't know how to get out of. I later spoke to his mistress and she admitted how determined she was. he had extreme difficulty removing himself from the tempting situation when he worked with her so closely everyday. just when I have accepted that I was going to be divorcing, he suddenly cut off his relationship with her. he handed over his phone and confess to me that he knew he had made the biggest mistake of his life, that he felt that he kept crossing lines he couldn't come back from, that he knew that he wasn't in love with her. he has not spoken to her since it's been 2 and a half months now. she sent him several angry emails and my husband even asked me to call her and tell her that it was over because he didn't want to have a conversation. here's my question... when do you know when to give someone another chance? I do know he loves me. I do know he had nothing but passing lust for her. and I do know this is not in his character. and I forgive him as a human. I do understand that sometimes humans can act in ways against who they are, we have all done it. I forgive him, but sometimes the gravity of what he's done to me is too much. especially given the fact that we've always had such a good relationship. I don't know how you could do this to your best friend and wife. when do you move on? and if you choose to say stay how do you deal with the memories? he says it was a major crisis he had, and the circumstances add him cornered in such a way that you didn't know how to get out, but as any woman would I question that. he had always been faithful, and now he took away my dream of being in a relationship with a faithful man. I was so proud to be with him. everybody including his family thought he was 1 of the good guys. his own parents were blown away by the fact that he did this. it was just so not who he was. should I move on in hopes of having a relationship with no infidelity in it?? Or should a build new relationship with the good husband that I had before the affair. this thing is is that he was a good husband for 12 years, and then for 4 months he became a different person. he did hurt me very very much, and for that for much she was the priority and I was insignificant. she was on her way to a divorce already so she didn't care who she hurt, I had several conversations with her throughout the affair. and she was clearly very selfish and didn't care about me my marriage or my children. she felt she was on her way out of her life and wanted to start a new 1 with him, that's why she was very angry when he ended it she thought she was going to be the 1 that didn't end up hurt. I can't believe my husband was with a woman like this. on the outside there was no reason why he should have been with her. it actually looked ridiculous to family members. nobody understood why my husband would have left for a woman like that. which makes me realize that it really must have been a crisis with his own self. if anyone has had any experience with this please let me know what to do. I go back and forth some days I think I can forgive easily and other days I want to pack my bags.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
by on Dec. 27, 2012 at 6:37 PM
Replies (31-33):
frzmamaof4
by Bronze Member on Dec. 29, 2012 at 6:48 AM
There's absolutely no reason to cheat, especially with a BOSS, WTF! HE'D BE GONE! Sorry:-/

Quoting mommy2angels427:

I couldn't and wouldn't even consider it. Not for a minute. I deserve better, my children deserve better. They deserve to know they should demand better as well. Fuck that and fuck him.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
IAMmomtotrips
by Bronze Member on Dec. 29, 2012 at 8:44 AM
There is an amazing book called "after the affair" that is worth the read. I divorced my husband after the affair. As soon as the ink was dry on the paper, he realized that he had screwed up!

It took a ton of time and counseling for us to work through our issues. I would suggest if you are in an area that you can get them, look at broken chains international...it is a faith based ministry, but I am not a very religious person and it was still perfect for us. It really did help me let go of the pain and learn to heal. ,
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
jenny1980301
by on Dec. 29, 2012 at 11:05 AM
Thanks ladies for all the great advice and wisdom. I think the most challenging part of this has been me coming to terms with the fact that this kind of mistake can be made by a good man in a good marriage.
If i pack my bags and leave tommaro, i will still consider him a good person, because everyone who knows him knows that he is. I would be leaving, not because of lack of love, or lack of effort to repair on his part, but simply on principle that i cant let go of the pain.
i had always ignorantly assumed that in these situations someone should almost always leave, and honestly if there had of been any othet issue in our marriage this would have been the last straw, and i would have left. I just simply couldnt give up yet on someone who i know is is such a good man and father.
I want to make it clear also that i am not making excuses for him, i know, and he knows he is 100 percent responsible!!! The shame and regret he feels is obvious daily. I am for whatever reason of grace, just able to look at him as a human being who made a mistake. I.forgive him, just as i would forgive my sister or brother for making the same type of mistake. I would know they are good people and needed counsiling to get through whatever holes within themselves made them behave that way.
I know i forgive him as a person, but just not sure i will want to live with this as a scar on our marriage. He has done everything he has needed to so far to begin the healing process, so that is good.
I honestly believe that me staying, even if i choose to leave at a later time, may not have been a mistake, because we both were able to communicate things which would make a co-parenting situation better in the future. I can say if i decide to go, that i will leave with no bitterness.
I will take it day by day, i have made it clear that if at any point i feel like moving on i will, and that even though we both have things to sort out, the majority of the work is his. Wish me luck.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)