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what to do after the affair????

Posted by on Dec. 27, 2012 at 6:37 PM
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first a brief background, I have been happily married for 12 years. always a close marriage my husband was a very good man. everyone who knew him considered him a proud family man and husband. and I know how cliche this sounds but he truly was the last person anyone would think would do something like thIs. in July I discovered texts and emails and realized he had begun anan affair with his boss. he had had no history of infidelity, and this came as a complete surprise. he then proceeded to move out and continue his affair for 4 months. I could see that he was conflicted. I knew deep down that he still loved me but he was stuck in a situation he didn't know how to get out of. I later spoke to his mistress and she admitted how determined she was. he had extreme difficulty removing himself from the tempting situation when he worked with her so closely everyday. just when I have accepted that I was going to be divorcing, he suddenly cut off his relationship with her. he handed over his phone and confess to me that he knew he had made the biggest mistake of his life, that he felt that he kept crossing lines he couldn't come back from, that he knew that he wasn't in love with her. he has not spoken to her since it's been 2 and a half months now. she sent him several angry emails and my husband even asked me to call her and tell her that it was over because he didn't want to have a conversation. here's my question... when do you know when to give someone another chance? I do know he loves me. I do know he had nothing but passing lust for her. and I do know this is not in his character. and I forgive him as a human. I do understand that sometimes humans can act in ways against who they are, we have all done it. I forgive him, but sometimes the gravity of what he's done to me is too much. especially given the fact that we've always had such a good relationship. I don't know how you could do this to your best friend and wife. when do you move on? and if you choose to say stay how do you deal with the memories? he says it was a major crisis he had, and the circumstances add him cornered in such a way that you didn't know how to get out, but as any woman would I question that. he had always been faithful, and now he took away my dream of being in a relationship with a faithful man. I was so proud to be with him. everybody including his family thought he was 1 of the good guys. his own parents were blown away by the fact that he did this. it was just so not who he was. should I move on in hopes of having a relationship with no infidelity in it?? Or should a build new relationship with the good husband that I had before the affair. this thing is is that he was a good husband for 12 years, and then for 4 months he became a different person. he did hurt me very very much, and for that for much she was the priority and I was insignificant. she was on her way to a divorce already so she didn't care who she hurt, I had several conversations with her throughout the affair. and she was clearly very selfish and didn't care about me my marriage or my children. she felt she was on her way out of her life and wanted to start a new 1 with him, that's why she was very angry when he ended it she thought she was going to be the 1 that didn't end up hurt. I can't believe my husband was with a woman like this. on the outside there was no reason why he should have been with her. it actually looked ridiculous to family members. nobody understood why my husband would have left for a woman like that. which makes me realize that it really must have been a crisis with his own self. if anyone has had any experience with this please let me know what to do. I go back and forth some days I think I can forgive easily and other days I want to pack my bags.
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by on Dec. 27, 2012 at 6:37 PM
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by on Dec. 27, 2012 at 6:49 PM
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I guess just take it one day at a time. :-) Hopefully you will get some helpful advice.
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by Gold Member on Dec. 27, 2012 at 6:50 PM
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Only you can make the decision to stay or not. Can a couple overcome cheating and rebuild their relationship and it be just as strong or stronger than before? Yes. You said you forgive him. The next step for you is working on letting it go. The next step for him, is to earn your trust and love. 

Is it possible with her being his boss, he was pressured into the affair? Has he or she quit that job or moved to another department to break all contact?

It is alot of work, it will take a while to heal. But if you choose to, you can overcome this. But only you can decide if your marriage is worth it. I am sorry you are going through this.

by on Dec. 27, 2012 at 6:57 PM
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I think the question that lies ahead is do you want to work it out? Do you want to stay? I have been in this situation except my marriage was not a good one. I for one believed in my vows and would have stayed no matter the unhappiness i felt. My husband left me two years ago... Im now pretty much a single mom and he hardly sees him. I wouldnt change it though life changes you deal as it comes. I recommend the love dare if you both want to stay it rekindles a lot. Its important to remember youll always have the hurtful memories but you can overcome the hurt just to have that memory.i wosh you the best of luck
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by Casey on Dec. 27, 2012 at 6:59 PM
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Stop talking about her. Stop talking TO her. Take HER out of the equation. She may be an awful, vile skank for being involved with a married man but she is not your problem and isn't going to be part of any solution. Talking to her or about her isn't going to give you any peace or answer any burning questions. Your husband stepped out on YOU. That's all you need be concerned with. You can hate her, but you can't blame her. He pulled his cock out and stuck it in her for a prolonged period of time.

I have three deal breakers when it comes to infidelity, your husband broke 2 of them. One time is a horrible mistake. A prolonged affair is a conscious choice. The other deal breaker for me would be that this was someone he works with. Is she still his boss? Do they still work together? Nuh-uh, no way. I couldn't work past those two things. He made his choices and as you said, he crossed too many lines to come back from. He crossed them willingly. Wrap it up in as pretty as a bow of excuses as you want to, but those are the facts.

by on Dec. 27, 2012 at 7:01 PM
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I couldn't and wouldn't even consider it. Not for a minute. I deserve better, my children deserve better. They deserve to know they should demand better as well. Fuck that and fuck him.
by on Dec. 27, 2012 at 7:04 PM
As soon as he cut it off, she quit so they are no longet working together.
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by on Dec. 27, 2012 at 7:09 PM
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There is not way I would take my husband back after an affair.  This wasn't a one time mistake, this was a prolonged affair.  She can tempt him all she wants but it was his choice to cheat!  For me I couldn't be married to a man I didn't trust and if he cheated I could never fully trust him again.  

by on Dec. 27, 2012 at 7:19 PM
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It's like I am reading my own story....

4 years ago this past October, I discovered my husband was having an emotional affair for over 4 months.  He completely "checked out" of our marriage for those months.  The email I found was the one that would have made this a full-blown physical affair, but by the the Grace of God, I caught him.  I, too, would NEVER in a million years have imagined this to happen to us....our perfect life, with the perfect kids, perfect house --- perfect, perfect, perfect.  The reality is:  WE ALL stuggle at some point in our lives and it is up to you and ONLY YOU to decide whether you can find the strength to seriously LOOK PAST this and move on.  By this I mean the following:

1) Only allow yourself 10-15 minutes/day to get sad about all that he has done.  Wear rubber band on your wrist and SNAP IT when you start to find your thoughts drifting.

2) DO NOT bring it up too much how hurt you are and and how mad.  BELIEVE ME, as hard as it is for you, it is 1000 times harder for him to look at you every day and know how badly he has hurt the person he loves so much.

3) Accept that EVERYONE is allowed ONE big mistake in life.  Sad that it had to be this, but you must accept this and be at peace with it.  If you are neither, you must move forward immediately and not prolong the pain.

4) Know that you CAN come out of this a stronger and better couple.  I can say this b/c it has strengthened my relationship with my husband.  Don't get me wrong...I HATE the woman he had this "thing" with (despise her really), but it has made me such a strong person.  I am thankful for that.

5) Love him. Accept him....but be clear that this mistake can only happen this once.  Another false move and IT IS OVER!!!

6) Do check his phone and email regularly.  Request all passwords, b/c after all--- your in a "new" relationship now.

Take care and do find peace knowing that there a great many people who have been able to survive this pain.  It is heartwrenching and would not wish it on my worst enemy.  I compare it to experiencing a death.  The "death" of the trust you once had.  The good news is you can rebuild that, but it takes TIME.  It has been 4 years for me and when I go back to "that place" in my's like it all happened yesterday; my heart starts to race and I am ready to rage.  But I stop --- think---- reflect--- and say to myself --- "But I still have him here and he DOES love me.  He just really really messed up".


by on Dec. 27, 2012 at 7:19 PM
I agree with readwriteluv, in the sense that the hardest thing about this was the trauma of him continuing the affair for months after i found out. I thought after the quality of our relationship, that he would be the kind of man who would immediatly snap into reality and do anything he had to stop it, right when i became aware of it. And please dont think im making excuses.... Because i have put him through the ringer in all areas, and i agree he is the one who made the mistake. The issue is ours, but i do feel there are certain circumstances i.e. when your boss comes on to you, that make it more difficult to resist pressures. He should have quit his job, thats what i asked him to do right away, he had a lot struggle with this, because he had worked his way up very hard for his position. Bottom line though i should have been more important than that. I just think every person derserves to have a infidelity free marriage, but some would say if they have been a good spouse and its really out of charactor there is a way to work it out???
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by Gold Member on Dec. 27, 2012 at 7:24 PM
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Honestly ... the lack of paragraph spacing and capitalization made this hard for me to read all the way through.  I understand you were mobile and that's a lot to type out!  I'm not trying to nit pick, just I know there are probably things I missed.

Your question when do you know if you should give someone a second chance?  The cool and terrible thing about that is that no one can answer that for you.  You know your husband better than anybody and only you can judge if this was a terrible one time mistake and he is truly heartbroken and repentive of his choice or if he's just sorry he got caught or that it has come to light.  

And as for the actual affair, you've gotten a lot of it sorted out.  It wasn't about HER, it was about him,  She was just a means to an end.  The whole thing about adultery is the PURE selfishness of it.  Her selfishness and his, they were using each other and steamrolling anyone who got in their way, you and the kids, his family, his reputation, etc.  

I don't really know what area to zero in on here.  But if you're looking for assurance that you've made the right choice to stay, that has to be something you work out on your own.  I f you know your life is better with him and you know you can eventually get past this in time, then it's worth the work to rebuild.  And it is going to be work.  

It has to be a conscious desicion NOT to think about it when your thoughts drift into painful memories or questions.  

I'm here if you have any questions.  

“He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect for more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you.” ~Bob Marley
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