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what to do after the affair????

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first a brief background, I have been happily married for 12 years. always a close marriage my husband was a very good man. everyone who knew him considered him a proud family man and husband. and I know how cliche this sounds but he truly was the last person anyone would think would do something like thIs. in July I discovered texts and emails and realized he had begun anan affair with his boss. he had had no history of infidelity, and this came as a complete surprise. he then proceeded to move out and continue his affair for 4 months. I could see that he was conflicted. I knew deep down that he still loved me but he was stuck in a situation he didn't know how to get out of. I later spoke to his mistress and she admitted how determined she was. he had extreme difficulty removing himself from the tempting situation when he worked with her so closely everyday. just when I have accepted that I was going to be divorcing, he suddenly cut off his relationship with her. he handed over his phone and confess to me that he knew he had made the biggest mistake of his life, that he felt that he kept crossing lines he couldn't come back from, that he knew that he wasn't in love with her. he has not spoken to her since it's been 2 and a half months now. she sent him several angry emails and my husband even asked me to call her and tell her that it was over because he didn't want to have a conversation. here's my question... when do you know when to give someone another chance? I do know he loves me. I do know he had nothing but passing lust for her. and I do know this is not in his character. and I forgive him as a human. I do understand that sometimes humans can act in ways against who they are, we have all done it. I forgive him, but sometimes the gravity of what he's done to me is too much. especially given the fact that we've always had such a good relationship. I don't know how you could do this to your best friend and wife. when do you move on? and if you choose to say stay how do you deal with the memories? he says it was a major crisis he had, and the circumstances add him cornered in such a way that you didn't know how to get out, but as any woman would I question that. he had always been faithful, and now he took away my dream of being in a relationship with a faithful man. I was so proud to be with him. everybody including his family thought he was 1 of the good guys. his own parents were blown away by the fact that he did this. it was just so not who he was. should I move on in hopes of having a relationship with no infidelity in it?? Or should a build new relationship with the good husband that I had before the affair. this thing is is that he was a good husband for 12 years, and then for 4 months he became a different person. he did hurt me very very much, and for that for much she was the priority and I was insignificant. she was on her way to a divorce already so she didn't care who she hurt, I had several conversations with her throughout the affair. and she was clearly very selfish and didn't care about me my marriage or my children. she felt she was on her way out of her life and wanted to start a new 1 with him, that's why she was very angry when he ended it she thought she was going to be the 1 that didn't end up hurt. I can't believe my husband was with a woman like this. on the outside there was no reason why he should have been with her. it actually looked ridiculous to family members. nobody understood why my husband would have left for a woman like that. which makes me realize that it really must have been a crisis with his own self. if anyone has had any experience with this please let me know what to do. I go back and forth some days I think I can forgive easily and other days I want to pack my bags.
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by on Dec. 27, 2012 at 6:37 PM
Replies (11-20):
by Bronze Member on Dec. 27, 2012 at 7:44 PM
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I truly wish you the strength and wisdom to do what is in your heart and mind. I caught my dh cyber cheating. He was responding to ads. I am 95% it never got physical is why I agreed to counseling. We have only had one session. I was disappointed. I wanted answers then but its a process. We go for 2nd visit next Thursday. I am hopeful but I was fed up and heart broken. It was his idea. He said he gets urges and knows its wrong. My emotions are all over the place but I'm doing better everyday. Me and my dh communication sucks so this should help. I do love him and we are all human. The worst part for me was all his lies whew. I believed what I wanted when I knew deep down it was b.s. He just couldn't lie his way out. I feel like he's a stranger but if counseling can't save us I atleast know I did all I could. Good luck and big hugs
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by on Dec. 27, 2012 at 9:03 PM
I have never, besides chatroom conversations which was clean flirting and nothing sexual , (( I read everything opened each message )) been through this I really hope you figure it out ;-)
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by Marianne on Dec. 27, 2012 at 11:36 PM
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 Marriages can survive infidelity. It will most likely take counseling, and he needs to know that it's going to take time for you to heal and for you to learn to trust him again. Let him know how he can help in the areas where you need it, and let him know that you need to do some things alone in the areas where you don't need his help.

If both of you are truly 100% committed to making the marriage work, it will. Good luck.

by Bella on Dec. 28, 2012 at 2:02 AM

 Never dealt with this, bump

by on Dec. 28, 2012 at 9:32 AM
1 mom liked this

I try putting myself in your shoes If my Dh did what yours did and then afterwards apoligized and did not have contact with her I would take him back.  

by Bronze Member on Dec. 28, 2012 at 9:35 AM
Only you can decide. I however would have been done long ago
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by on Dec. 28, 2012 at 9:41 AM
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I think I could forgive someone but I dont think I could forget.  I think I would keep picturing them together in my head.   Thats only me.  I see many women stand by their men and I give them alot of credit for being that strong.  I am appalled the nerve of that woman.  I would definately cut all ties with the homewrecker.. change phone numbers if possible.  Dont need a constant reminder of her.   Counseling might help too because you have to be dealing with alot of mixed emotions.   I am so sorry.. I wouldnt wish that situation on anyone.

by on Dec. 28, 2012 at 9:43 AM

This! There is NO excuse for ever cheating and it's a deal breaker for me. No matter how long i've married or how much I love my husband if he cheats, he's gone.

Quoting ashmac03:

There is not way I would take my husband back after an affair.  This wasn't a one time mistake, this was a prolonged affair.  She can tempt him all she wants but it was his choice to cheat!  For me I couldn't be married to a man I didn't trust and if he cheated I could never fully trust him again.  

by on Dec. 28, 2012 at 10:05 AM
1 mom liked this
You knw,i can't lie to you abt anything,but your hrt has the best decision and to add on,STAY STRONG AND CALM,little by little things will work out.
The most important thing are your children bse they need both of you. Take care.
by on Dec. 28, 2012 at 12:03 PM
2 moms liked this

 Sorry I can't get past how he wants you to end the affair for him. He had you call her? WTF! How cowardly. I couldn't do that. I've forgiven an affair so I think things can be patched up but your DH to be passing responsibility off on you is totally wrong. Plus, it's not just the other woman. Your DH is a big boy and he needs to take responsibility for the decision to engage in the affair. Not until he does that can anything happen.

I'll tell you what I did when I found out. He said he wanted to stay married and I told him if he wanted to he had to do A, B and C. He did. I always see women asking how to give trust back to the cheating spouse. I don't think you can. They broke the trust and they need to work to rebuild it. Took me a full year to fully trust my DH again. Now it's been almost 4 years and I can confidently say that our marriage is stronger than it has ever been and I'm very happy I decided to stay. I'm also happy he decided to work to save us. He really did most of the work as he's the one that wrought the destruction. Not that I'm denying my part in it. It takes 2 people to have a relationship and so I did have a part in what went wrong with ours. Counseling is what really did the most good for us. We both went separately and then to marriage counseling together. I'd also say no to a marriage counselor that blames it all on one side. When we went to our first marriage counseling appt the guy blamed it all on my DH. Hell, I don't have to pay someone to do that I can do it myself. ;) Now we have a marriage counselor we both love and has done more for our relationship than she knows. Making me want to go give her a hug right now.

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