Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

 My husband has been divorced 3 times. Each time it was that hateful woman's fault (i thought). When times got tough they left him. People aren't perfect, everyone makes mistakes. Its for better or worse didn't they remember?

Now I'm that hateful woman. The problem is simple.  He's an alcoholic. And all the crap that goes with it. I'm TIRED of having important conversations about life that he doesn't ever remember. I'm TIRED of him spending money on booze when we don't have money for groceries.  I'm tired of being told that everything is my fault. I'm tired of all of it. We've talked and talked. He knows what the problem is but he likes to drink and has no desire to change. If he wanted to change I would totally stay and help him. But he doesn't and I can't live like this and its unhealthy for our son.

Every fiber of my being wants to stay and make this work.  But that one little intelligent spot in my brain, backed up by my friends, knows that this is stupid and going to get worse.

How do I do this?  I don't want to hurt him. I want to stay friends.  He tells me constantly that he's done with me, I'm crazy, its all my fault, I'm a drama queen. But his behavior seems to cry out "help me, I don't want you to leave".

I'm so torn in two and we have no money for a counsellor.  We don't even have money for rent.

by on Dec. 29, 2012 at 7:35 AM
Replies (21-27):
hollydaze1974
by on Dec. 30, 2012 at 6:35 AM
Al-anon is free. You can go by yourself. It's for SOs of alcoholics and drug addicts. They usually happen the same time as an AA meetings happen. Why don't you look at the listings in your area and find a support group for YOU first.... Listening to others going through the same thing may help you find ways to stop enabling him ( not like you know you are doing it). As well as other ways to make YOUR life calmer whether he is drunk or not.

Again, these meeting are for spouses, now you can't make your own excuses about not going " i don't trust him with the kids, the gas money isn't there, etc.
check out meeting times.... There should be many, go to some, you aren't the problem, but everyone that goes to these meeting lives with abperson who HAS the problem.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
shilohkitten
by on Dec. 30, 2012 at 11:16 AM

I'm sorry, but why you would have married a man that had 3 failed marriages is beyond me.  That should have been a sign right away that he wasn't marriage material.

That said, I'm sorry you are dealing with it and if you feel like you need to leave then leave.  If his alcoholism is getting in the way of being able to pay rent, then DEFINITELY leave.  My ex refused to work and I couldn't make rent because my salary supporting two of us and a baby didn't stretch far enough.  I left him and started dating a responsible man who already had a job and married him.  Not because he was exciting like my ex used to be, but because I knew I would be financially stable with him.  Which sounds stupid to some but when you have a kid, you have to prioritize it first.  If your worst problem is feeling like your life is boring once in awhile, then life isn't so bad right?  

It's not your responsibility to fix him and take care of him, obviously 3 women have tried to do it before you and he doesn't want the help.  He isnt' saying 'help", he is saying "take care of me so I don't have to deal with this".  

No desire for change + you have a kid = you need to get out IMO.  Do it for your kid so your kid doesn't have to grow up on food shelf food.  Do it so your kid can grow up with a NORMAL life, not dealing with an alcoholic all the time.  You'll get full custody because of the alcoholism, no judge would give custody to an alcoholic dad.  

He already told you he's done, so really why would you stay at this point?  Next time, let failed previous marriages be a GIANT RED FLAG to you and don't get yourself in this position again.  For now, take care of you and your kid and flip him the bird.  GL, be strong and I will pray that you and your child get to a better place!

Oh and take access to $ away from that douche so your kid can eat.  What a fucking tool to take food away from his kid so he can drink it away.

newstepmom61811
by on Dec. 30, 2012 at 11:25 AM
He never will do it...he let 3 women go before you and blames you. He will stall and no one wants to be an alcoholic. A true move to change would be rehab, not an e-cigarette. I'm sorry but he's not serious, he's watched three marriages implode and was jus fine, survived to find another. Ask yourself very very seriously, I this what you want for your child, this life, this model of a man, father, and husband?


Quoting tristansmom74:

Strangely...just this morning... He wants to go get and electonic cig. Wants to stop smoking. And drinking. Says i make him want to be a better person.

*sigh* and the cycle starts again. I don't want to give up on someone who is trying.

Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
tristansmom74
by on Dec. 30, 2012 at 1:01 PM
3 marriages - while not ideal- does not make him a bad husband. The other women didn't leave for alcohol reasons. First one 18- too young and wild. 2nd one lasted 6 months and i think he left her. You discover things about people after you marry them. He's never said much except she was crazy. And number 3 is a smart intelligent woman who just wanted to be single. They were married many years and still remained friends- i was friends with her too. She bought us tickets to fancy plays (she worked there) and i always got her a christmas present and invited her over for parties. Just because something looks bad doesn't mean it is.
Anyway, thats how i saw it when i married him and was presented with 3 marriages. Now i see things differently.


Quoting shilohkitten:

I'm sorry, but why you would have married a man that had 3 failed marriages is beyond me.  That should have been a sign right away that he wasn't marriage material.

That said, I'm sorry you are dealing with it and if you feel like you need to leave then leave.  If his alcoholism is getting in the way of being able to pay rent, then DEFINITELY leave.  My ex refused to work and I couldn't make rent because my salary supporting two of us and a baby didn't stretch far enough.  I left him and started dating a responsible man who already had a job and married him.  Not because he was exciting like my ex used to be, but because I knew I would be financially stable with him.  Which sounds stupid to some but when you have a kid, you have to prioritize it first.  If your worst problem is feeling like your life is boring once in awhile, then life isn't so bad right?  

It's not your responsibility to fix him and take care of him, obviously 3 women have tried to do it before you and he doesn't want the help.  He isnt' saying 'help", he is saying "take care of me so I don't have to deal with this".  

No desire for change + you have a kid = you need to get out IMO.  Do it for your kid so your kid doesn't have to grow up on food shelf food.  Do it so your kid can grow up with a NORMAL life, not dealing with an alcoholic all the time.  You'll get full custody because of the alcoholism, no judge would give custody to an alcoholic dad.  

He already told you he's done, so really why would you stay at this point?  Next time, let failed previous marriages be a GIANT RED FLAG to you and don't get yourself in this position again.  For now, take care of you and your kid and flip him the bird.  GL, be strong and I will pray that you and your child get to a better place!

Oh and take access to $ away from that douche so your kid can eat.  What a fucking tool to take food away from his kid so he can drink it away.

Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Robsessed98
by on Dec. 30, 2012 at 1:28 PM
1 mom liked this

You could try Al-Anon, but all they do is help you not be co-dependent. They don't help him at all.  If he doesn't want you to leave, maybe your leaving is what it will take to sober him up. Rehab or AA will do him no good unless he's determined to quit drinking. Sometimes a traumatic event or "hitting rock bottom" is what it takes to get through to them. I went through pretty much the same thing, but when I actually left, he woke up and has been alot better for the past 6 months. He's really trying because he now knows I won't tolerate it and he "can't do without me". Good luck.

LoveMyLos
by on Dec. 30, 2012 at 1:41 PM

sorry, but i wouldn't marry someone who has been divorced three times. after the first two, i doubt its the womans fault.

LoveMyLos
by on Dec. 30, 2012 at 1:44 PM

he won't do it. he can say it all he wants. in reality, he needs to detox. then therapy. 

my dh is an alcoholic. comes home from work, drinks at lest a 6 pack, he can't wait the 10 minutes it itakes to get home so he stops at the gas station to grab a 6 pack and two are gone before he gets home. hes drunk every night of the week. hes said he wants to quit and the longest hes gone is two and half days. shakes, sweats ect....he can't do it alone. 


Quoting tristansmom74:

Strangely...just this morning... He wants to go get and electonic cig. Wants to stop smoking. And drinking. Says i make him want to be a better person.
*sigh* and the cycle starts again. I don't want to give up on someone who is trying.


Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)