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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

Being the bad guy

Posted by on Dec. 29, 2012 at 7:35 AM
  • 27 Replies
1 mom liked this

 My husband has been divorced 3 times. Each time it was that hateful woman's fault (i thought). When times got tough they left him. People aren't perfect, everyone makes mistakes. Its for better or worse didn't they remember?

Now I'm that hateful woman. The problem is simple.  He's an alcoholic. And all the crap that goes with it. I'm TIRED of having important conversations about life that he doesn't ever remember. I'm TIRED of him spending money on booze when we don't have money for groceries.  I'm tired of being told that everything is my fault. I'm tired of all of it. We've talked and talked. He knows what the problem is but he likes to drink and has no desire to change. If he wanted to change I would totally stay and help him. But he doesn't and I can't live like this and its unhealthy for our son.

Every fiber of my being wants to stay and make this work.  But that one little intelligent spot in my brain, backed up by my friends, knows that this is stupid and going to get worse.

How do I do this?  I don't want to hurt him. I want to stay friends.  He tells me constantly that he's done with me, I'm crazy, its all my fault, I'm a drama queen. But his behavior seems to cry out "help me, I don't want you to leave".

I'm so torn in two and we have no money for a counsellor.  We don't even have money for rent.

by on Dec. 29, 2012 at 7:35 AM
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Replies (1-10):
TommyAbby
by Melissa on Dec. 29, 2012 at 8:23 AM
1 mom liked this

AA or that support group for spouses of alcoholics. They can help you. Sorry. He obviously doesn't want to change. Time for you to take a step back and take care of you and your son. 

frzmamaof4
by Bronze Member on Dec. 29, 2012 at 8:25 AM
1 mom liked this
Obviously he's been divorced 3 times, that should've been a RED FLAG to begin with! Hope everything goes well for you though:-/
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tristansmom74
by on Dec. 29, 2012 at 8:40 AM

 

Quoting frzmamaof4:

Obviously he's been divorced 3 times, that should've been a RED FLAG to begin with! Hope everything goes well for you though:-/

 I thought it was the woman's fault all 3 times. They wanted perfection and no one is perfect.

furbabymum
by Gold Member on Dec. 29, 2012 at 10:04 AM
1 mom liked this

Well, I'd not stay and put up with it. You seem to think you can "save" him. You can't save him from himself. Only he can decide to change. Only he can quit this life destroying behavior. You've seen that he's not willing to do that. He wasn't willing to do that for the 1st woman and he's obviously not willing to do that for the 4th. The best you can do for you and any kids involved in separate. Maybe he'll change, history shows he won't.

furbabymum
by Gold Member on Dec. 29, 2012 at 10:04 AM

The ONLY constant in all these relationships has been HIM. It's all him babe!

Quoting tristansmom74:

 

Quoting frzmamaof4:

Obviously he's been divorced 3 times, that should've been a RED FLAG to begin with! Hope everything goes well for you though:-/

 I thought it was the woman's fault all 3 times. They wanted perfection and no one is perfect.


Dqnana
by Member on Dec. 29, 2012 at 10:06 AM
1 mom liked this

It doesn't cost a cent to go to Al-Anon.  This is a group for family members of alcoholics.  GO ... GO NOW. It will give you all the information and support you need.  TODAY!!  There IS a group near you.  I guarantee. 

charliebean
by on Dec. 29, 2012 at 10:10 AM
True. I'm from a very small town but there were weekly Al-Anon and Narc-Anon meetings, as well as AA three times a week. They will help you learn how to handle it and give you tons of resources.

Quoting Dqnana:

It doesn't cost a cent to go to Al-Anon.  This is a group for family members of alcoholics.  GO ... GO NOW. It will give you all the information and support you need.  TODAY!!  There IS a group near you.  I guarantee. 

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kagegirl
by on Dec. 29, 2012 at 10:17 AM
1 mom liked this

I left my ex two years ago, and I am STILL the bad guy. Never mind he exhibited all the classic alcoholic behaviors, blaming me for everything, etc. Nope, it was my fault becauise I couldn't "hang". But I am so much happier in my new life, I just ignore his bullshit. He will always be a drunk, and there was nothing I could do to change that. He has to want to change. And since it is obvious he doesn't, you have to make the change best for you. It's like a wise person once told me, "It's their addiction, but our problem."

icn_mom
by on Dec. 29, 2012 at 10:19 AM

do you have insurance? Id have him check into rehab...

Serenity7
by Platinum Member on Dec. 29, 2012 at 11:01 AM

 (((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))

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