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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

 My husband has been divorced 3 times. Each time it was that hateful woman's fault (i thought). When times got tough they left him. People aren't perfect, everyone makes mistakes. Its for better or worse didn't they remember?

Now I'm that hateful woman. The problem is simple.  He's an alcoholic. And all the crap that goes with it. I'm TIRED of having important conversations about life that he doesn't ever remember. I'm TIRED of him spending money on booze when we don't have money for groceries.  I'm tired of being told that everything is my fault. I'm tired of all of it. We've talked and talked. He knows what the problem is but he likes to drink and has no desire to change. If he wanted to change I would totally stay and help him. But he doesn't and I can't live like this and its unhealthy for our son.

Every fiber of my being wants to stay and make this work.  But that one little intelligent spot in my brain, backed up by my friends, knows that this is stupid and going to get worse.

How do I do this?  I don't want to hurt him. I want to stay friends.  He tells me constantly that he's done with me, I'm crazy, its all my fault, I'm a drama queen. But his behavior seems to cry out "help me, I don't want you to leave".

I'm so torn in two and we have no money for a counsellor.  We don't even have money for rent.

by on Dec. 29, 2012 at 7:35 AM
Replies (11-20):
tristansmom74
by on Dec. 29, 2012 at 11:13 AM
Strangely...just this morning... He wants to go get and electonic cig. Wants to stop smoking. And drinking. Says i make him want to be a better person.
*sigh* and the cycle starts again. I don't want to give up on someone who is trying.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
TommyAbby
by Melissa on Dec. 29, 2012 at 12:00 PM

Still go to the meetings.. and after a while of going for yourself, try to get him to go to them. 


Quoting tristansmom74:

Strangely...just this morning... He wants to go get and electonic cig. Wants to stop smoking. And drinking. Says i make him want to be a better person.
*sigh* and the cycle starts again. I don't want to give up on someone who is trying.


tristansmom74
by on Dec. 29, 2012 at 12:14 PM
I will. Thanks!

Quoting TommyAbby:

Still go to the meetings.. and after a while of going for yourself, try to get him to go to them. 



Quoting tristansmom74:

Strangely...just this morning... He wants to go get and electonic cig. Wants to stop smoking. And drinking. Says i make him want to be a better person.

*sigh* and the cycle starts again. I don't want to give up on someone who is trying.


Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Anryan
by Platinum Member on Dec. 29, 2012 at 12:18 PM
1 mom liked this

my ex was a alcoholic and a hard core drug user.  He said all those things to me and i stayed for 7 years...one day i just up and left.  Took our son and left everything behind and went to a womans shelter.  I called the police and legal aid and got my life together.  I was sad, i missed him, and i knew i had done the right thing...I have never regretted it.  It was hard, so very hard, to pick myself up with just my son and i (who was only 14 months old) but it was worth it.

ReadWriteLuv
by Casey on Dec. 29, 2012 at 12:20 PM

Once, probably.

Twice, possibly.

Three time, no. The problem was obviously him.

Quoting tristansmom74:

 

Quoting frzmamaof4:

Obviously he's been divorced 3 times, that should've been a RED FLAG to begin with! Hope everything goes well for you though:-/

 I thought it was the woman's fault all 3 times. They wanted perfection and no one is perfect.


ReadWriteLuv
by Casey on Dec. 29, 2012 at 12:22 PM

Al-Anon. You need to go. This is a vicious cycle and it won't stop, and you can't trust him to stop drinking on his own.

Quoting tristansmom74:

Strangely...just this morning... He wants to go get and electonic cig. Wants to stop smoking. And drinking. Says i make him want to be a better person.
*sigh* and the cycle starts again. I don't want to give up on someone who is trying.


MomToovey
by Marianne on Dec. 29, 2012 at 1:14 PM
1 mom liked this
Like you said, he doesn't want to change and it's only going to get worse. It's not fair to your son to be kept in an environment like this - we don't want him growing up to think this is how he should behave. And it's not fair to you to watch the man you're supposed to love do this to himself and his family.
I do understand your desire to stick around and help, but if he doesn't want help, he's not going to get it. Have you heard the saying, "don't try to teach a pig to sing. You'll waste your time and frustrate the pig"
In this case, the best move is the harder one. It's time for you to think of yourself -and the little one- and get out of that situation before it gets worse. I know you know all this already, but it never hurts to hear it again (and again and again, lol).
I don't have advice as far as keeping things amicable, but I did want to share a few options with you as far as getting out. I assume you're not in a place right now to just walk away and get your own place. If you have no family or friends who are able to take you and your son in while you get your feet off the ground, look into a mother & children shelter. It's not ideal, but it's a roof over your head, it's away from the unhealthy situation at home, and it isn't permanent. Once you're able to stand on your own two feet, you can get a place on your own and provide for your son.
I wish you the best of luck.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
tristansmom74
by on Dec. 29, 2012 at 1:28 PM

 And i need to hear it again an again and again.

As for the last part... no shelters for me.  I've been the one paying rent and bills and will and can continue to do so. But I hate running off and leaving someone else stuck with my mess (the landlord).  I can't make him leave and well... why should I leave if I've paid all the rent and bills?  I just need to find a new place to move to and move without him.

Quoting MomToovey:

Like you said, he doesn't want to change and it's only going to get worse. It's not fair to your son to be kept in an environment like this - we don't want him growing up to think this is how he should behave. And it's not fair to you to watch the man you're supposed to love do this to himself and his family.
I do understand your desire to stick around and help, but if he doesn't want help, he's not going to get it. Have you heard the saying, "don't try to teach a pig to sing. You'll waste your time and frustrate the pig"
In this case, the best move is the harder one. It's time for you to think of yourself -and the little one- and get out of that situation before it gets worse. I know you know all this already, but it never hurts to hear it again (and again and again, lol).
I don't have advice as far as keeping things amicable, but I did want to share a few options with you as far as getting out. I assume you're not in a place right now to just walk away and get your own place. If you have no family or friends who are able to take you and your son in while you get your feet off the ground, look into a mother & children shelter. It's not ideal, but it's a roof over your head, it's away from the unhealthy situation at home, and it isn't permanent. Once you're able to stand on your own two feet, you can get a place on your own and provide for your son.
I wish you the best of luck.

 

Monsita
by Silver Member on Dec. 29, 2012 at 2:14 PM

hugs

Lindalou907
by Silver Member on Dec. 30, 2012 at 6:19 AM

If you signed a lease you are responsible to pay it until it's up. If not then tell the landlord you are moving out and that your husband probably won't be paying the rent, so he can start eviction proceedings as soon as your husband is 3 days late. The only way your husband is going to change is if you quit letting him get away with this shitty behavior.

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