Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

Stay Together for the Child, but....

Posted by on Dec. 29, 2012 at 4:01 PM
  • 25 Replies

Hi everybody!  Thank you so much for admitting me entrance into your group.  My name is Terri and I just joined (again) today.  I have a 5 y.o. boy and am 45.  My husband and I have done it all as far as marriage therapy throughout the years of being together, 6 yrs married in April, 9 total.  We got pregnant as planned after we got married and have been staying together for the sake of our little guy.  We also stay together because our Christian values (we are not maniacs, but do believe that God would want us to stay together for Luke).  The truth is that, and this is going to sound terrible, normally I cannot stand to even be around my husband.  He is a super nice person, and smart and our son adores him and vice versa.  Wayne thinks that every time we go through a rough patch, it's going to just blow over.  We are polar opposites - TOTAL ooposites.  I married him because he is a good-hearted person as I know someone wilk ask this.  Initially our troubles came about becase of his lack of desire for me and sex.  That went on for the first 7 years of our being together.  (Yes, it was an instant issue, but I always hoped that it would be addressed and fixed).  The sex issue was addressed over years of therapy but was never really fixed.  Now I don't care about the sex part.  Now I just do not love him like I used too.  I feel sorry for him because he really is a nice person and deserves to be loved by someone kind.  I am not kind to him always because I am so frustrated and it leaks over into in front of our child.  Our child has actually told us "Would you two stop it?"  He will be 5 in a few days.  How pitiful is that? Before anyone says "Can you not just fight in front of your kid?"  Don't you think we have tried that, and have tried that? When a friend asks me that in person, I almost want to smack her. ;)  It's like "Oh really?!?!  Wow!  I never of thought of NOT screaming at my husband in front of Luke!" "What a great idea!" ;)  haha  In all seriousness, is there anyone like me who stays with their husband for the sake of their young child?  My husband and I are basically roommates anyway.  He keeps thinking that things will get better, but this has been going on 4 years just about and if we could afford it financially, I would leave and get my own place for my child and me.  I would love to see us get houses or apartments next to each other for the mental and physical health of our son.  I am heart-broken because I don't want my child to grow up with parents who are unhappy and unloving to each other, no matter how hard they try.  I am so sad.

by on Dec. 29, 2012 at 4:01 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
TommyAbby
by Melissa on Dec. 29, 2012 at 4:05 PM
2 moms liked this

TIme to go. Sorry. you tried. you exhausted all your options.. You son will grow up with HAPPY parents who aren't always at each others throats. 


terbear4life
by on Dec. 29, 2012 at 4:09 PM
1 mom liked this

Hi sweetie and thank you for that.  Someone who has finally said what I  have been saying for too long now.  We are of course not in a financial position, blah, blah, blah.  We live in a really small home, so it's not like we can stay out of each other's way.  I am just so happy someone finally said something other than "Stay together for Luke!"  Don't they realize that by staying together we will most likely screw him up worse than if we parted? We are showing our child that staying together albeit unhappy is an okay thing.  It's not.  I am just trying to get more perspective from others and again, I thank you for your input.

ProudMommy51006
by Bronze Member on Dec. 29, 2012 at 4:12 PM
A child would rather be FROM a broken home then live IN one. It's time to leave. I wish you luck. ((Hugs))
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
TommyAbby
by Melissa on Dec. 29, 2012 at 4:18 PM
3 moms liked this

My parents did that what you are attempting to do.

We (my siblings and I)  dang near threw a party when they FINALLY decided to divorce. Our childhood is filled with fights between them and the undercurrent of anger every day. 

Don't do that to your son.


Quoting terbear4life:

Hi sweetie and thank you for that.  Someone who has finally said what I  have been saying for too long now.  We are of course not in a financial position, blah, blah, blah.  We live in a really small home, so it's not like we can stay out of each other's way.  I am just so happy someone finally said something other than "Stay together for Luke!"  Don't they realize that by staying together we will most likely screw him up worse than if we parted? We are showing our child that staying together albeit unhappy is an okay thing.  It's not.  I am just trying to get more perspective from others and again, I thank you for your input.


pittymama
by Silver Member on Dec. 29, 2012 at 4:20 PM
2 moms liked this

i agree. my parents were back and forth my whole life and later in life, my relationships were always a total mess because i had so many weird issues. luckily, my marriage now is great, but i know not to stay together for the kid(s)!

Quoting ProudMommy51006:

A child would rather be FROM a broken home then live IN one. It's time to leave. I wish you luck. ((Hugs))


Lilypie First Birthday tickers
maccheese
by on Dec. 30, 2012 at 5:32 PM
2 moms liked this

My Dad and Stepmother to me are pretty much together for the whole religious thing. I kind of respect them for sticking to what they believe is right. It kind of helps me when I think about ending my marriage. In the end, its really your personal choice.

MistyMoo
by Bronze Member on Dec. 30, 2012 at 5:35 PM
2 moms liked this
This. My parents stayed together for me and It sucked. I would never do that to my children.

Quoting TommyAbby:

TIme to go. Sorry. you tried. you exhausted all your options.. You son will grow up with HAPPY parents who aren't always at each others throats. 


Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
Robsessed98
by on Dec. 30, 2012 at 5:43 PM
2 moms liked this
You need to leave. Children always know when their parents arent happy together and I know some adullts who are screwed up and unable to have good relationships because of it. Kids learn how to live life from their parental examples. Youre doing him no favors staying together for his sake.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
mrs-haynes24
by on Dec. 31, 2012 at 8:58 AM
2 moms liked this
Time to let go, the reality of the situation is that if your not happy I doubt your child is. I had a friend who's parent where doing the same, and when he grew up he actually said he wished they would've got divorced.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
earthangel1967
by YVONNE on Jan. 1, 2013 at 3:51 PM
2 moms liked this

 With all due respect to your reasoning and religous beliefs etc. I just have to share with you that from my own personal experience I think it is a HUGE mistake when couples think they are staying together for the sake of the child. I stayed with my ex 16 yrs because I was afraid my kids would hate me if I left their dad and would be devasted so I stayed for them, guess what THEY ended up asking me to leave him to my utter shock and shame. It is stressful for kids to be in a home where the parents dont love eachother and dont get along, it is unhealthy for them and like Dr Phil says (it literally CHANGES WHO THEY ARE!) they are better off in a divorced family in a home with peace and joy then in a house with married parents who argue and fight and even act indifferent to one another. Also what kind of example of a healthy relationship is that teaching our kids bc they dont grow up doing what we tell them they grow up learning what they SEE regularily, so staying in a bad marriage will teach them that is what marriage looks like and will set them up for higher odds of accepting that as normal in their own adult relationships. How is THAT for the sake of the child?

Life is too short and too priceless to live unhappy and trapped for you or your child.

In my honest opinion the kindest healthiest thing you can do for your child is to divorce under such circumstances. good luck.

Also even as far as God goes... I realized later with my own situation, is it even a REAL marriage anymore when the love is all gone? God is love. Also each person deserves to be with someone who truly 100% wants to be with them and loves them so even if the person is upset at first at having a divorce filed against them, it is still the kindest and best thing to do for their sake even if they dont feel like it is at the time bc then they are free to heal and find someone who actually DOES love them and want to be with them.

View Full Size ImageYVONNE

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)