I love him, but I'm so incredibly frustrated (vent?)
My husband and I have only been married for a little over a year. We spent the almost the whole first year of our marriage apart. Lately he's had a horrible attitude. He lost his temper on me multiple times when he was home sick from work last week. He doesn't take his job seriously and I was informed yesterday that he expects perfection, He wants the woman that he dated, not the one that he's married to. He knows that I am survivor of sexual assault but he doesn't seem to realize that I escape my fears and my pain by compartmentalizing it and thus appearing extremely cool headed and logical so the people I care about won't reject me. He freaks out that I am a real human being. I have emotions, sometimes they aren't pretty, sometimes I don't agree with his beliefs. I have told him I have a problem with his drinking, it's not so much the fact that he drinks it's his cavalier attitude about it, like it is his right to do whatever he wants regardless of how it affects his family. He thinks he shouldn't have to compromise on anything, ever. He says we only fight about his drinking because I'm not ok with it and he feels attacked when I disagree with his decisions. He's told me flippantly "I'm not an alcoholic, I should be able to have a goddamn beer in my own house without my wife judging me for it and you're the one to blame if I turn into an alcoholic, you and your nagging" "yeah,it's probably a bad choice, yeah I shouldn't have done it, but it feels so damn good you bet I'm going to do it again."
I am trying to improve myself by learning a second language to start off with. I need a job because I hate being completely dependent on anyone, especially someone who has shown themselves in the past to be irresponsible. He does not want to talk about big issues ever.
He is a parent, he is husband, but I don't think he is acting like it. He whines when he doesn't have the money to go out and do whatever he wants. He gets upset when I tell him that his actions affect our marriage and our daughter. We have just started marriage counseling and he tells me he cares about my thoughts and my feelings, but whenever I am honest with him and tell him how I really feel it upsets him and he yells at me. I told him that I feel like his drinking comes between us, one time he drank a beer and then kissed me and I had a flashback of the rape. I know I'm not perfect, but I feel like I am at least trying. I stay home with our daughter and I am working towards a masters degree.
Have any of you ever felt what I'm feeling, how did you cope with it? TIA