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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

I need some serious advice!

 I just recently got married 6 mos ago, and I have been with my DH for about 5 years now. We have had some serious  problems that we have had worked through (thank you Jesus) but it seems lately it's just not working out. I don't know why. Sometimes I can be insecure and I understand that is not healthy. There is a 15 yr difference between us, and I guess the way I would like things to be is too much like " I'm not like that anymore" We don't go out, I'm a stay at home mom, I homeschool my kids and I want some affection, I want him to take me out and tell me he loves me. I'm wondering if maybe I'm looking at this all wrong. I need advice, what should I do and how I do go about addressing my issues with him?

by on Jan. 3, 2013 at 2:15 AM
Replies (11-20):
AlannaMaria
by on Jan. 3, 2013 at 9:15 AM
I would just talk to him about it a plan like 1-2 twice a month that on certain dates you and him get out of the house alone with out kids and do something fun together. If you stick to it, it will just become routine. I would also plan days that you get out as a family and do things as a family. Good luck! Don't be afraid to express yourself and let him know what your needs are!
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Titana
by on Jan. 3, 2013 at 9:27 AM
I love that advice!

Quoting LilliesValley:

My husband and I are 11 years apart and we will have been married 10 years this year and together for 12 total. My husband was raised in a family where love and affection weren't constant, in fact they were rarely given. My family doesn't get off the phone without saying I love you, kissing and hugs goodbye when we're in person, so his family is just weird to me. It was very slow going but we are to a great point now. I will be honest in the fact that you seem very isolated. Not sure how much you get out of the house and all but I know I was more needy and needed more affection and got irritated the more at home I was. He would also irritate me more too. He has to work two jobs to support us and instead of being happy about this I was resentful and mad. Why can't he get a better job so he can spend more time with us? Why is he always in a bad mood? etc, etc. I don't know what happened, but I was really sick during this time and as I was getting well over the last 6-9 months my whole attitude and everything changed dramatically. I started realizing that I was lucky I had a man that cared enough about his family to work TWO jobs and get up 6 days a week and work where he has to work to make ends meet. He hates his jobs and of course he wants a better job and to be home with us more but that's not possible right now. So this is how it is, I can either be winy and upset about it and make things worse or I can put up and shut up and be grateful for what I have. When I took on and owned the second view I realized how lucky I was. It made everything DRAMATICALLY BETTER! He became more loving and attentive towards me which made me even more happy, loving and grateful for him and so the circle keeps going. We have been through alcoholism (with him) and me being very sick for 2 years (I was in a walker and about to be in a wheel chair, had to quit working full time, etc.) and having no money. Maybe keep a gratitude journal and think about the things you do have to be grateful for. I like to say thank you a lot, and I ty to make sure things aren't waiting for him when he gets home. I'm not perfect by any means, there are dishes in the sink right now (and this irritates him for whatever reason) but they'll get done today. We make time now every evening to talk about whatever we need to talk about.For example I used to have to beg him to cuddle with me when we went to bed, now I just snuggle in and he puts his arm around me. The only thing that changed was MY attitude, then he made changes too from that. I can't of course say that this will work 100% of the time or anything like that, but it may and it's worth a shot. You can't hold back though, you have to just give and do and wait maybe 3 months and see what happens. Because for a month of so he's going to be waiting for the old you to come back, then it's going to take a month for him to realize you've changed and then a month for him to adapt and start to make changes. We are SO much happier, and if I knew this would have brought these results I would have done it years ago. All the nagging in the world, yelling and fighting have never brought the changes that changing my attitude has done. I was insecure about a lot of things and just knowing that he was here and made a commitment to me and that he had never given me a reason to feel like he was looking "elsewhere" was just something I had to realize too. I know I have more time in than you at this point, but if I can pass this on and you get in 1 year or 2 years where it took me to get in 9 then hey I'm all for it. I wish I had tried this years ago but honestly my pride kept getting in the way. I'm a very loud person, very energetic and can have an attitude and when my daughter was born 6 years ago all of that subsided some. I'm still me now, still loud and energetic but I try really hard not to sweat the small stuff. My attitude and mama bear stuff can still come out when it needs to but if the fast food line takes 10 minutes I don't go nuts. If the pizza is wrong I don't go nuts. If someone cuts me off in traffic (I try very hard) to not swear and think maybe they have something that is an emergency (to them or in reality) and just let it go. Not saying this happens 100% of the time or anything but it happens more often than not and helps so much. My health will never be 100% and I have come to accept it, but I have also come to accept that only I am going to determine what kind of day I'm going to have. I can be happy about what I have or I can be miserable with what I don't. I can be happy that my husband works his ass off and does the best he can or I can think why can't he be home more, why can't he do this, why can't he do that? Instead it's more, "what can I do?" My whole philosophy has changed and I feel years older than I was 2 years ago. I feel like I have the secret to life and I'm grateful that I didn't have to be 50, or 70 or 90 to get it. I'm 32 right now and SO grateful that I have come to realize what I have. Like I said, you may make these changes (or you may decide I'm loony and full of crap and not) and nothing will happen. Maybe he's a jerk and nothing will change that. But I'm betting that you've put 5 years in and if you make some changes your going to see results. You may say well I've tried that, but 100% in for 3-6 months? Maybe not so much. I bet if you try and do and change your attitude you'll see others around you change yours. Even my parents have commented on how surreal and calm I am about things. I don't want to make it seem like I've changed who I am, because I'm still me, I've just grown and pruned myself a little. I've grown into who I've always knew and wished I could be. I really, and truly hope this helps. I'm still affectionate but since I don't feel isolated anymore I don't act like I am. I don't act needy because I have what I need (and I get more now too!). Speaking of which not sure what your sex life is like but mine used to be maybe once every 4-6 weeks and now I want it every night or so. This was such a big change and now he complains because I want it so much! I'm like that's a good problem to have, but honey he says, "I'm an old man!" so yeah we don't do it every night but try to do it every other. If it goes 3 days I'm like a fucking rabbit! And really having sex and that connection helps too. Yeah he's tired after 2 jobs and 14-15 hour days (or longer) but you know that connection is necessary. Sex used to hurt (and I mean hurt I would cry through it) and not be that great, now it FANTASTIC! What made it not hurt (I don't know but doing it more and a lot seemed to help-really weird I'm the first to admit but it's really great now and I usually get to cum 2-4 times so freaking awesome as far as I'm concerned. Wish I had tried the more often thing sooner!


I know this is SOOOOOO LONG but I guess bottom line is change attitude, have more sex and you will be amazed. You've already been through a lot and put in the time, now reap the rewards. You can do it and I really hope this helps.


One last thing, make sure you get yourself out of the house as often as possible. My daughter goes to school but it's Catholic school and I work part time there every day. Getting out and being accountable and needed to something other than my house and family was huge for me too (I used to work full time and because of being sick I couldn't and honestly I'll probably never be able to work full time again, but working part time gave me some purpose.) Not saying house and fam aren't a purpose but working gave me a little more. Maybe you can volunteer, or do something out of your comfort zone. Maybe church work or helping someone elderly. Reading at a senior center or at a library. Something you do daily to get out and about, that might help too.


Again, I know this is long, but you wanted some help and here it is. THIS is all what has made a HUGE difference in my life, maybe it can do the same for you! Good luck!

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Lindalou907
by Bronze Member on Jan. 3, 2013 at 10:46 AM

Rude.

Quoting smurfbitebug:

Fifteen years is a big difference but it isn't too much of a difference. My husband and I are thirteen years apart, and we are fine. Don't start that shit.

Quoting Lindalou907:

15 years is a big age difference, really too much. Try counseling. If he won't go then you go anyway and get some advice on how to handle this.


ReadWriteLuv
by Casey on Jan. 3, 2013 at 10:48 AM
2 moms liked this

I know people will jump on me for this, but I agree. A 25 year old and a 40 year old are just at completely different stages in life. I'm not going to say that it won't work because I don't know the OP or her situation, but I think large age differences are better in older people. If she was 40 and he was 55, I could see this working better because both parties would be on a more even keel with one another.

Quoting Lindalou907:

15 years is a big age difference, really too much. Try counseling. If he won't go then you go anyway and get some advice on how to handle this.


furbabymum
by Gold Member on Jan. 3, 2013 at 10:55 AM

 Well have you told him this? Too many women expect their men to be psychic. They aren't. lol Be blunt. Do the planning. It's what I do and I can tell you I'm never disappointed.

TS9509
by on Jan. 3, 2013 at 10:55 AM
1 mom liked this
My DH and I are 19 years apart. He is older. I'm 25, he's 44 and we are fine together so unlike others have said that the big age difference matters can hush it!! We have been married almost 4 years, together 5. We share alot of the same interest and do them together such as racing, hunting and fishing. We both work full time and drive a good distance so we don't go out during the week but every other Friday night we go out to dinner without the boys. Maybe find a hobby you can both enjoy doing together and set aside time, even if once a month, for alone time just you and him. Also talk to him about things that are bothering you.
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smurfbitebug
by on Jan. 3, 2013 at 3:35 PM
And yet you don't see how rude you were. Interesting.

Quoting Lindalou907:

Rude.


Quoting smurfbitebug:

Fifteen years is a big difference but it isn't too much of a difference. My husband and I are thirteen years apart, and we are fine. Don't start that shit.



Quoting Lindalou907:

15 years is a big age difference, really too much. Try counseling. If he won't go then you go anyway and get some advice on how to handle this.


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StayHomeMom0610
by on Jan. 3, 2013 at 7:01 PM

 I agree but it's not so much we are different stages because since day one we have been the same but it's just lately since we have been married it's just not as fun and now he uses his age as an excuse.

Quoting ReadWriteLuv:

I know people will jump on me for this, but I agree. A 25 year old and a 40 year old are just at completely different stages in life. I'm not going to say that it won't work because I don't know the OP or her situation, but I think large age differences are better in older people. If she was 40 and he was 55, I could see this working better because both parties would be on a more even keel with one another.

Quoting Lindalou907:

15 years is a big age difference, really too much. Try counseling. If he won't go then you go anyway and get some advice on how to handle this.


 

StayHomeMom0610
by on Jan. 3, 2013 at 7:04 PM

 This morning I told him but he had this look on face like he doesnt want to... and then he said next month : /  I know it has maybe nothing to do with the age difference but I'm just feeling kind of left out

Quoting furbabymum:

 Well have you told him this? Too many women expect their men to be psychic. They aren't. lol Be blunt. Do the planning. It's what I do and I can tell you I'm never disappointed.

 

Kes1s
by on Jan. 3, 2013 at 7:10 PM
1 mom liked this

Doesn't sound like an age thing.  Sounds like a 'don't know how to ask for what I want without getting more focused on being angry and needing to vent and then he gets angry back because he thought he was doing good' thing. 


Try asking him if you can go to dinner or or a movie you want to see together.  Maybe a matinee if money is an issue.  Don't start the conversation with the standard you nevers.  Just ask him out, go out, be happy and be done with it.  Ask him the way you would a perfect stranger with a clean slate.

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