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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

Seriously needing advice, tips and support

Posted by on Jan. 6, 2013 at 7:55 PM
  • 15 Replies
1 mom liked this

I really just feel like I have no more rope to hang on in my marriage, I got married ONLY seven months ago... We are expecting child number two any day now and the amount of stress has me seriously thinking of just walking away after I have the baby. I adore my husband I love him, he is one of my best friends and he means a lot to me. I have strong beliefs about marriage I am convinced its a one time thing you marry the right person and you work through your issues, but I just don't feel the support of my husband I don't see him caring about the survival of our marriage as much as I do, I feel as if my needs comes last to everyone and even after expressing this to him I don't see much change in his actions towards me and the marriage, we half discuss things or it gets to heated and we don't finish talking. I want to be able to say I gave it my all once I walk away and I'm not sure that's even a good thing because he isn't giving his all he isn't listening to me or hearing the things I want from him. I just don't know what to do anymore.. It sounds crazy that our marriage would end over us not communicating when there are people who cheat have kids and go through far worse and pull through.. 

by on Jan. 6, 2013 at 7:55 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Daisyducc
by Bronze Member on Jan. 6, 2013 at 8:00 PM

We've been married 3 and a half years and are expecting number 2 in April...new babies are a blessing but also stressful.  Sometimes men can withdraw or not seem connected because it isn't as real to them as it is to us.  I don't have any sage advice for you, other than to keep communicating and be patient with one another.

Mama2ETA
by on Jan. 6, 2013 at 8:04 PM
What are you asking for that he isn't giving? are you on him all the time about everything?
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mamanay041010
by Member on Jan. 6, 2013 at 8:46 PM

The only thing that I ask of him is time for he and I and for him to "show" me he is interested in making things work. He half does it but then we're back at square one 

justpeachy71904
by Silver Member on Jan. 6, 2013 at 9:06 PM
3 moms liked this
Look hormones are a bitch. Try are relax for a moment and breathe.

My husband and I have a rule in our home. When we are talking things out and voices raise, we walk away. We have safety rooms. He can't come into mine and vice versa. Until we are both calm , calm enough to finish talking without voices raising or feeling defensive we don't re approach it.

There approach is no point in trying to solve a problem if one party has a wall up. If you are beating him down and he is fighting back you won't get anywhere. But if you can learn to talk through it you will.

If you attack him and say you are making me feel this way and you are doing this... He will immediately feel defensive. Instead ho into it and say I feel this way. I feel this. Keep him out of it.

Try and have the baby and let things calm down, nee babies are very stressful, I'm very sorry :(
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JenniferW67
by Bronze Member on Jan. 6, 2013 at 9:34 PM

Maybe he's nervous about the baby coming. Men pull away when they feel like they have no control or are scared they can't provide enough for the ones they love. Hang in there. I hope things will work out for you and your family.

pittymama
by Silver Member on Jan. 6, 2013 at 10:18 PM

mama, hormones and being newly married and having a baby coming all factor into this! Dh and I were only married 10 months when our DD was born (we got pregnant on purpose, shortly after marriage) and all of a sudden it was war zone in our house after i got pregnant. all i can tell you is continue to work through it, during your pregnancy AND afterwards. it will be worth it in the end. DH and I still have our moments and we've been married almost 2 years now. i think you just have to put your best foot forward and not give up. 

Mama2ETA
by on Jan. 6, 2013 at 10:25 PM
1 mom liked this

 That's an empty request imo. You need to say, hey, we need to spend x amount of time together on so and so day or hey can we do this on that day to keep our communication up". How exactly do you want him to continue showing you that he wants things to work? I understand what you are saying, but you are having empty expectations of him, and I'm sure he feels like nothing he does can be right. Has he said that recently? I think your hormones are high because of the pregnancy and anxious to have the baby, and I'm sure, especially if this is yours/his first, he is anxious too. Anticipation, unknown, nervious. Those can all cause marriage troubles. Do not throw the towel in until you know there will never be an ounce of a chance to fix things. The first 7 years of marriage are the hardest. You are in the first. You are still adapting to him, and he's trying to adapt to you. It is going to take time for both of you.

Quoting mamanay041010:

The only thing that I ask of him is time for he and I and for him to "show" me he is interested in making things work. He half does it but then we're back at square one 

 

mamanay041010
by Member on Jan. 7, 2013 at 12:43 AM

Thank you.. Honestly you hit on exactly all of the issues right now. We talked once he got off work today soon as he came in he was open he sat next to me and we actually talked instead of argued.. He has told me time and time again I have to express exactly want it is I want from him and not just say things like support me, or be there for me.. This will be our second baby and I feel most of my stress is coming from the feeling that we aren't as ready as we were with the first and after taking sometime I was able to tell him my feelings and we've agreed on realistic goals and ways to fix our communication.. After talking it was very clear we both are looking for and expecting the same things from each other it's just we weren't eeffectively getting that point across.

Quoting Mama2ETA:

 That's an empty request imo. You need to say, hey, we need to spend x amount of time together on so and so day or hey can we do this on that day to keep our communication up". How exactly do you want him to continue showing you that he wants things to work? I understand what you are saying, but you are having empty expectations of him, and I'm sure he feels like nothing he does can be right. Has he said that recently? I think your hormones are high because of the pregnancy and anxious to have the baby, and I'm sure, especially if this is yours/his first, he is anxious too. Anticipation, unknown, nervious. Those can all cause marriage troubles. Do not throw the towel in until you know there will never be an ounce of a chance to fix things. The first 7 years of marriage are the hardest. You are in the first. You are still adapting to him, and he's trying to adapt to you. It is going to take time for both of you.

Quoting mamanay041010:

The only thing that I ask of him is time for he and I and for him to "show" me he is interested in making things work. He half does it but then we're back at square one 

 


mamanay041010
by Member on Jan. 7, 2013 at 12:44 AM

We found out I was expecting 12 days before our actual wedding and the past few months have been real hard cause we have a toddler and we are dealing with sorting and adjusting to married life as well as trying to prepare for a second

Quoting pittymama:

mama, hormones and being newly married and having a baby coming all factor into this! Dh and I were only married 10 months when our DD was born (we got pregnant on purpose, shortly after marriage) and all of a sudden it was war zone in our house after i got pregnant. all i can tell you is continue to work through it, during your pregnancy AND afterwards. it will be worth it in the end. DH and I still have our moments and we've been married almost 2 years now. i think you just have to put your best foot forward and not give up. 


pittymama
by Silver Member on Jan. 7, 2013 at 12:50 AM

and it's going to be hard! you have to explain to him that you need his help/support. men seem to think that pregnancy is just carrying a child and it's SOOO much more than that. he could also be stressed from the idea of bringing in another child, which i'm sure you are too!

Quoting mamanay041010:

We found out I was expecting 12 days before our actual wedding and the past few months have been real hard cause we have a toddler and we are dealing with sorting and adjusting to married life as well as trying to prepare for a second

Quoting pittymama:

mama, hormones and being newly married and having a baby coming all factor into this! Dh and I were only married 10 months when our DD was born (we got pregnant on purpose, shortly after marriage) and all of a sudden it was war zone in our house after i got pregnant. all i can tell you is continue to work through it, during your pregnancy AND afterwards. it will be worth it in the end. DH and I still have our moments and we've been married almost 2 years now. i think you just have to put your best foot forward and not give up. 



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