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Are you and your husband friends?

Posted by on Jan. 11, 2013 at 1:56 AM
  • 104 Replies

I heard a good radio talk show recently about long-lasting marriages and part of it was to be friends with your husband. Well we were at first, but I have realized that we aren't really friends now. We are primarily co-parents; we have our own groups/friends and a lot of times we take "turns" having the kids.  I stay home with them (8, 5, 3, all boys) and we also made the decision to homeschool a couple years ago. 

I read all sorts of stuff about maintaining and updating your marriage but it just seems so unrealistic (monthly dates, weekends away, etc;).  At the end of our day, when our kids are in bed, i mostly just want to sit and veg - either on the computer or watching TV; DH has found hobbies that are mostly solo, his current hobby is making paracord survival stuff ("knotting"); he is involved with r/c rock crawling and has a hobby project going on in the garage. I tried about a year ago to get us "back together" by getting a puzzle for us to do together but after a couple nights it just dwindled.  I am really busy most of the time trying to focus on the homeschool stuff, organizing the house/chores/meals/etc; I want to have a better marriage and be friends with my hubby again but I don't seem to know where to start over. We hardly even rent movies to watch together (tonight we did, The Watch and it was so dumb and I wish I would've picked The Looper instead).  Add to this he never seems happy and it weighs on me so heavy.  He is pretty much just a pessimist and so different from the man I fell in love with. I know I am not the same woman either, older, not as shallow, etc; anyway, if you are friends with your DH or SO, how d o you maintain it? What special things do you do to keep it up?

by on Jan. 11, 2013 at 1:56 AM
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by on Jan. 11, 2013 at 2:18 AM
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I did marry my best friend and 24 1/2 years later he is still my best friend.  We have grown over the years to enjoy some of the same things but we were and are very different personalities.  He was (he is disabled now, degenerative muscular disease) an avid athlete, outdoors guy and always busy tinkering.  Me not so much, I like reading and had other interests...we have mutual friends and friends that are just mine or his...being individuals but not separate.  We enjoy eachothers company and we want to be together but not ALL the time.  It was difficult when our kids were younger (they are now 18 and 16) but they would go to bed and we would talk to eachother.  Not sure if this is helpful because I do not have any experience with your situation, but one of you needs to be interested in the other or at least make an effort to want to know about the day/work/etc without making demands of it's my turn to be without the kids, I need time off...Just talk to intimate, when intimacy is working in the bedroom it over flows to other areas of your marriage...or at least that is my experience...


"Love is a fabric that never fades, no matter how often it is washed in the waters of adversity and grief". -- Anon.
by on Jan. 11, 2013 at 2:52 AM
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I don't see how a marriage could last without being friends. dh is my bff

by Michelle on Jan. 11, 2013 at 4:53 AM

He's my best friend

Mom to 4 boys and 3 girls with #8 on the way
Emily, Jordan, Sara, Jason, Aiden, Chloe, Nick and EDD 7-29-13

by on Jan. 11, 2013 at 4:54 AM
Hes my best friend.

We belong together

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by on Jan. 11, 2013 at 4:56 AM

my husband is my bff, i dont really see how a marriage would work without being friends.

Ahh it's going to be whiney Anon day, fun times.....
Today at 10:03 AM
by on Jan. 11, 2013 at 4:57 AM
We do date nights once a week, we take weekends away once every three to four months, when the girl's are asleep we snuggle and watch TV or cruise through Facebook.
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by on Jan. 11, 2013 at 4:58 AM
He was my best friend when we got married, right now we really only are friends due to meds puttings a serious damper on our love life. We copastor a church together but he also works at a grocery store so it's not like we are together 24/7 we also have the same interests in hobbies and such. My parents don't and now as empty nesters I don't know if they have much of a friendship
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by on Jan. 11, 2013 at 5:05 AM
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He has been my closest friend throughout our 23 years of marriage - and I have grown to appreciate him more & more over the years.
That said, it has been hard work at times to stay connected through kids, job demands & daily crises! I also think that date night etc are finniky & unrealistic. Our biggest plus is that we talk all the time about every little thing; and we joke a lot!!
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by Silver Member on Jan. 11, 2013 at 5:09 AM

I know what you mean, you are both so busy with your own stuff, and the kids. But you are right to be concerned because the kids grow up and then you have a big problem. You want to keep the family intact but if you don't like each other and you've slowly drifted apart you might not make it. It sounds like he's depressed also, and that makes it so much tougher. I made my hubby go to counseling with me and the therapist recognized that he was suffering from depression and now he takes something for it. We have a routine of always having dinner together and then watching a 1 hour or so show, we both love "Breaking Bad" or sitcoms like "How I met your Mother" there are several seasons of each. Just sitting next to each other and sometimes cuddling has helped us. You are right to try to fix this!

by on Jan. 11, 2013 at 5:17 AM
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I know some people say that sex doesnt make a marriage but being imtimate does. If you dont have that connection then everything else tends to slip. I dont mean the actual act all the time. I mean touching, hugging, kissing, just having that connection. Holding hands in the car pregnant and sex itself isnt enjoyable for me but i stil love giving to my DH. Make time for those things and you will see a diff. If he is open to counseling, go for it. Also, get him to watch Hope Springs, awesome movie, and it really makes you think....
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