In about 12 hours i will b getting on a plane to the states. I have to go say goodbye to my son for the last time. He only got to be here for 18 years. He turned 18 in Nov. Please pray everything goes well. I only have 5 days to get everything done plus try and deal with my family. I am posting this in just this group because its one of the 2 groups that r the most supportive. If i could link the story i wud. U can google Clayton Culverson. I miss him so much. When i go to get on the bus to head to Incheon i should b logging on to Skype to talk with my precious boy like we do every Thursday morning.
It's almost 2 am here in CA and again i can't sleep. In 8 hours i will be going to see my son for the very last time. I keep thinking this is just one of Clayton's jokes and he's going to be with the staff member when we meet up and he will run to me and wrap his arms around me. But my heart knows better. I know none of you knew him but he was a wonderful kid.Even with his disabilities he was such a beautiful child. He could walk into a room of depressed people and have them cheered up within mins.I don't know how i'm going to handle my THursday mornings.Every week since i've been in Korea we got to talk. Most of the time it was good and i would get to see the beautiful face and those beautiful blue eyes. I keep asking myself ,why now why in such a horrible way. Some of you may remember in my other posts me talking about the hell he's been through in life. He was born just a few days away from 30 weeks due to placenta abruption. He was dead when born. WHy couldn't God have taken him right then. Yes iw ould have been tore to piece but he wouldn't have had to face the last 18 years of physcial and mental pain. He was 18 but he had the mentality of about a 10 year old. I think that's one of the things that made him sooooo sweet. But ....... well for instance when he learned to tie his shoes he was six years old.One day he would know how to do it the next day he would tell he's never knew how and couldn't do it if his life depended on it. I hate that his last six year of life were spent in a group home. DOn't get me wrong the place he was inthe last for years is awesome.THe loved and cared for him like he was their own son. I wish i could say the name of the place and mention some of them because they were some of the greatest people to have ever worked with CLayton. That's saying alo with how many people have worked with him in 18 years. WOW i don't even think i can count or even remember them all. Yesterday would my daughter and him were finally supposed to start voice chatting on Skype. (SHe doesn't like SKype becuase she feels like she's being stared at)But she was finally ready and they were both excited. Now she's beating herself up because she would only say hi everyonce in awhile while she stood off to the side of my computer.Yesterday she said she doesn't understand why she can't cry as much as her dau and i are. I had to explain to her everyone grieves in their own way.I know she will find a way to deal with this but i wish i could just take her pain away for her.
If anyone would like to we have created a site for Clayton,still being built,so far there's only one pic of him there but your more than welcome to go check it out.The main reason i'm mentioning this is i know a lot of people that love him have been googling his name these last few days and i know this post is showing up in it.I'm hoping it willgive people an outlet to help them through their grieving process. Also because i would like to talk with the driver. I know he did not do this on prpose and i can only imagine his pain. I need him to know i DO NOT blame him in ANY way. No matter what God had planned on taking Clay at that time.But i'm so sorry to the driver that God used him in his plans. ANd i'm sure GOd wouldn't want him to blame himself either.
Clayton dude I love and miss you so much. I wish you could still be here with us.