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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

my husband is smothering me with all his "rules"

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first let me say that i truly love my husband and he is a wonderful father, but he has too many rules for me. I can have a part-time job, but not a career. I can have my own money, but not pay any bills even if he can't afford them. I am expected to let him be the caregiver of the house and not be able to buy my self shampoo or lady products. I have a bed time. Yes i know, that is probably the worst of all. If i'm not in bed when he's ready for bed, i've betrayed his trust. I can go to college part-time, but only as a hobby. I do not have a drivers license so the only time i can leave the house and actually go somewhere is if he is not too busy or tired to drive. He buys me chocolate sometimes, but if he buys anything else its usually only for him. Moves, video games, clothes, etc. I feel smothered. I love him, but i don't feel like he really loves me anymore. I feel like he's always trying to change me. I used to have a life, now i don't even have friends or family close by because we moved far away for him. Am I being paranoid or is he too controlling and i need to stand up for myself? How do i stand up for myself without bringing tension?

by on Jan. 16, 2013 at 9:42 PM
Replies (11-20):
NESmith63
by Member on Jan. 16, 2013 at 10:10 PM
Wow. That's just wrong. He's supposed to be your partner....not your ruler!! Honestly I don't know if you can do much to change that. He seems controlling by nature and without therapy (aka admitting its a problem) he will never change. And with controlling people like this they rarely think its a problem.
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FelixFelicis
by on Jan. 16, 2013 at 10:10 PM

Yup, that's definitely controlling. My husband is controlling and has all the same "rules" only he's not direct about it, he just makes sure the things he doesn't want me to do I just plain can't do. He's also mentally abusive. We talk about it. He's in denial most of the time but he's working on it. If you're not okay with this, you need to stick up for yourself. It doesn't have to turn messy or end in divorce, but it'll take time and effort to fix it. I married my husband knowing he was like this and knowing I was probably the only woman in the world that wouldn't let him get away with it. Nobody is perfect, but the person you're with should want to make you be a better person, not a worse person. You just have to love eachother enough to get through the bettering. Good luck!

Iconoclast
by Bronze Member on Jan. 16, 2013 at 10:13 PM
Did this just happen all of a sudden? From your post it sounds like your routine has only recently become a problem for you. And although many may agree that your description of your relationship sounds controling it has been acceptable long enough to become routine. What changed?
HasNoIdea93
by on Jan. 16, 2013 at 10:13 PM

I do not think i've given him a reason not to trust me. He does have trust issues with women. I am getting my Drivers license next week. We'll see how that goes. The reason i said he see's it as a betrayal was because i "promised" i would get to bed at a certain time. Thats really scary about the girl that got shot, i think thats terrible. He doesn't care if my family comes up to see me, but he will not take me and they live five hours away. I don't expect my family to drive ten hours a day just to see me a couple times a year.. I love him, but i'm confused. 

AMDS0304
by on Jan. 16, 2013 at 10:14 PM

I agree

Quoting TommyAbby:

WOW.. Is he controlling?!?! Seriously?? Does this sound in any way normal to you? A bedtime!! OMG, what are you 5?

Come on girl WAKE UP. That is abusive controlling. Not even slightly, completely abusive control. You need to tell him he needs to relax these "rule" or you are going to talk to a counselor and have him come along so you can find a happy medium. 



Amberleigh81
by Member on Jan. 16, 2013 at 10:16 PM
1 mom liked this
Honey. Wipe you Internet history and make sure you don't automatically sign in to this page. You are in danger. This is control and abuse and if he feels threatened, he could kill you. Please seek help to get out, but please be careful.
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HasNoIdea93
by on Jan. 16, 2013 at 10:16 PM

He wasn't like this when we met, but over time has gotten worse, especially after we moved so about nine months?

HasNoIdea93
by on Jan. 16, 2013 at 10:17 PM

He has told me many times that i could leave whenever i wanted to, i feel like he's just trying to push me away on purpose.

ttc1rainbow
by on Jan. 16, 2013 at 10:19 PM

 Honey, all of the other ladies are spot on. This is terribly unhealthy!! You shouldn't have to change for ANYONE!! I'll be damned if I would ever change for anyone. My husband loves me for who I am, and that's the same person I was 5 years ago when we met. You need to run, get out of this now before it escaltes to physical abuse...Find yourself, get a job full time, or go to school full time. Be happy!! And remember, you should never have to "change" to make someone happy. Someone is out there, that will love you for YOU!! **hugs**

Quoting HasNoIdea93:

We do do that and its goes ok for awhile then its back to the old routine, do this do that and do it when i want it. And your right i do feel like a child, he used to make me feel like a queen. I'm trying to change myself to make him happy and in turn making myself feel well slightly more and more unhappy. 

 

HasNoIdea93
by on Jan. 16, 2013 at 10:21 PM

I'm only twenty and have no place to go anyways, i love my husband. is there no way to turn this around? He's not all bad.

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