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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

my husband is smothering me with all his "rules"

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first let me say that i truly love my husband and he is a wonderful father, but he has too many rules for me. I can have a part-time job, but not a career. I can have my own money, but not pay any bills even if he can't afford them. I am expected to let him be the caregiver of the house and not be able to buy my self shampoo or lady products. I have a bed time. Yes i know, that is probably the worst of all. If i'm not in bed when he's ready for bed, i've betrayed his trust. I can go to college part-time, but only as a hobby. I do not have a drivers license so the only time i can leave the house and actually go somewhere is if he is not too busy or tired to drive. He buys me chocolate sometimes, but if he buys anything else its usually only for him. Moves, video games, clothes, etc. I feel smothered. I love him, but i don't feel like he really loves me anymore. I feel like he's always trying to change me. I used to have a life, now i don't even have friends or family close by because we moved far away for him. Am I being paranoid or is he too controlling and i need to stand up for myself? How do i stand up for myself without bringing tension?

by on Jan. 16, 2013 at 9:42 PM
Replies (131-140):
opal10161973
by on Jan. 18, 2013 at 2:05 AM
2 moms liked this

This is what you do.  Work a PT job and save every cent to get away from him.  This is not love darlin, it's abuse.  I know it doesn't seem like it, but any person that tells you what you can do, what you can buy with your own money, when you must go to bed, and moves you away from your family, is being abusive. 

I know he tells you it's good for you, but it's not.  That's a part of gaslighting and it is abusive.  He has you convinced that he is doing all these things for YOU, when in reality he is doing it all for HIMSELF.  This whole relationship is about him.  That's why you feel smothered.  There is no way to address this because he will blow up and it could be really bad for you.  Some men, who feel they are losing control, will physically do things to 'remind' you of your role.  This would be bad and could set you back and make him want to never let you work or anything.  You need to work and save so you can leave.  It's the ONLY safe option for you and the kids. 

You will never have yourself again, until you leave and find yourself.  He will always be this way, there is no fixing it.  I have never seen this happen- not ever.  I have however, seen women who gave up and just accepted their lives would always be this way and it makes me sad.  We all deserve someone who will love us just the way we are.  You don't need to be IMPROVED. 

Dayna29
by on Jan. 18, 2013 at 5:00 AM

The controlling thing....It's mental abuse! Isolation, no friends, no family, Can't go anywhere. My xh wanted me to leave where we were at but I wouldn't go.I found a list of mental abuse and 9 out of 10 things that were on the list, my xh did. Get out of that relationship. You do not deserve to be treated that way.

shann77
by Member on Jan. 18, 2013 at 5:38 AM
Omg girl!! Please don't live your life this way, listen to these women. ABUSIVE CONTROL are two words another woman used that are really sticking out! but why are you putting up with this, do you not see how wrong it is? i'm still in shock over your post. Don't be scared to be independent, run away and never see him again, you'll make it on your own and discover what it's like to be happy
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98765
by Silver Member on Jan. 18, 2013 at 6:48 AM

I've skimmed through all the reponses after the title alone made me cringe.

Honey you are 20. You have your WHOLE life ahead of you. This is what you do, save your $$ then when he is at work--I assume he works?---get on a bus and go straight to your parents house. If you have that close of a relationship with them TELL THEM what is going on. Because I know my family, if anyone ever tried to do that to me--not that I'd ever let them anyway--they would help me get out immediately if not sooner. 

Though I am always fascinated why women feel this kind of treatment is ok. So my question is how was your mom treated? What have tou experiecend relationships are "supposed" to be like? Because I can tell you this is NOT NORMAL. In no way shape or form. You deserve more and better.

Get out. Run away. Fast. 

gypsy30
by Member on Jan. 18, 2013 at 9:12 AM

 Any man that gave me a bedtime would be a complete turn off to me.  You definitely need to stand up for yourself.  The way you describe him, it probably will create tension.  He's not your father, he's your husband and you're an adult.  I would have many serious issues with his behavior. 

Cheribomb
by Member on Jan. 18, 2013 at 9:16 AM
What happens if you don't follow the rules? He is one fucked up dude. I would leave in a minute. Where are your parents?? What do they think of this douche ?
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Gmgej
by Michele on Jan. 18, 2013 at 9:19 AM

Wow to me this is kind of scary. I couldn't live like this, I had a BF once that had rules much like this, and he abused me, hit me, threw boiling water at me, locked me out in the sno naked  and held a gun to my head, all when I began standing up for myself even a little bit. This really scares me. Please don't engage him, dont question, just get out, and get safe. Men like this are dangerous. My exbf threatened to kill my family, my pets, he described in detail what he would do to them if I left, and he told me he would bury me alive in a box. This man is sick, and control over you is what he wants.

chloesmommy777
by on Jan. 18, 2013 at 9:31 AM

 This is not love. I doubt he has the capacity to love anyone. HE needs counseling. Sounds a lot like narcissistic personality disorder. Have you ever watched the movie (w/Julia Roberts) "Sleeping with the Enemy"? It might seem silly, but unfortunately, it's a prime example about how these "men" operate.  


Quoting HasNoIdea93:

first let me say that i truly love my husband and he is a wonderful father, but he has too many rules for me. I can have a part-time job, but not a career. I can have my own money, but not pay any bills even if he can't afford them. I am expected to let him be the caregiver of the house and not be able to buy my self shampoo or lady products. I have a bed time. Yes i know, that is probably the worst of all. If i'm not in bed when he's ready for bed, i've betrayed his trust. I can go to college part-time, but only as a hobby. I do not have a drivers license so the only time i can leave the house and actually go somewhere is if he is not too busy or tired to drive. He buys me chocolate sometimes, but if he buys anything else its usually only for him. Moves, video games, clothes, etc. I feel smothered. I love him, but i don't feel like he really loves me anymore. I feel like he's always trying to change me. I used to have a life, now i don't even have friends or family close by because we moved far away for him. Am I being paranoid or is he too controlling and i need to stand up for myself? How do i stand up for myself without bringing tension?


 

RitWaNNabeMOM
by on Jan. 18, 2013 at 9:34 AM


ohhhh..kinda idiotic..wat did u do after dat dear..

Quoting Gmgej:

Wow to me this is kind of scary. I couldn't live like this, I had a BF once that had rules much like this, and he abused me, hit me, threw boiling water at me, locked me out in the sno naked  and held a gun to my head, all when I began standing up for myself even a little bit. This really scares me. Please don't engage him, dont question, just get out, and get safe. Men like this are dangerous. My exbf threatened to kill my family, my pets, he described in detail what he would do to them if I left, and he told me he would bury me alive in a box. This man is sick, and control over you is what he wants.



Beenhereforever
by Member on Jan. 18, 2013 at 9:35 AM
Please follow the advise given.
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