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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

my husband is smothering me with all his "rules"

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first let me say that i truly love my husband and he is a wonderful father, but he has too many rules for me. I can have a part-time job, but not a career. I can have my own money, but not pay any bills even if he can't afford them. I am expected to let him be the caregiver of the house and not be able to buy my self shampoo or lady products. I have a bed time. Yes i know, that is probably the worst of all. If i'm not in bed when he's ready for bed, i've betrayed his trust. I can go to college part-time, but only as a hobby. I do not have a drivers license so the only time i can leave the house and actually go somewhere is if he is not too busy or tired to drive. He buys me chocolate sometimes, but if he buys anything else its usually only for him. Moves, video games, clothes, etc. I feel smothered. I love him, but i don't feel like he really loves me anymore. I feel like he's always trying to change me. I used to have a life, now i don't even have friends or family close by because we moved far away for him. Am I being paranoid or is he too controlling and i need to stand up for myself? How do i stand up for myself without bringing tension?

by on Jan. 16, 2013 at 9:42 PM
Replies (141-150):
annasmom1234
by on Jan. 18, 2013 at 11:38 AM

Girl--this sounds like a cult group or something!  I've never heard anything like this!  I will be praying for you.  That is out of control.  What's his reasoning for all of these "rules?"

babs32
by on Jan. 18, 2013 at 11:47 AM
1 mom liked this
I am hearing two different things from you. You love him, but not the way he treats you. You also say that you don't feel he love you anymore. If I were you, I would get my drivers license, find a career, save the money you do make and put it in a different account, get a p.o box and have your bank statements go there. God forbid, if shit goes bad, you are not left without. I have seen it happen before.
wannabpregnant
by on Jan. 18, 2013 at 12:57 PM
1 mom liked this

can i tell you something? i dont mean to scare you.... my aunt had a man who had these same types of rules. at first she loved that about him. the fact that he could take control. make the decisions. provide. she thought that was sexy. as time went on, the "rules" got worse. and more involved. he fed her. he picked out her clothes. (all oversized just incase she went out, no man would find her attractive. she was very beautiful mind you) it got so bad they moved far away and we never heard from her again. one day she called and said she didnt feel like he really loved her. they had sex tuesdays and thursdays, at 9:00. she said it wasnt romantic. it was like rape. he came home while she was on the phone with us, and all of a sudden the line hung up. he killed her that night. i dont know if it was becuase of the phone call, or becuase of something else..... it sounded like they fought and it just escaladed and he didnt mean to kill her. this issue needs to be addressed. and soon. 

Beenhereforever
by Member on Jan. 18, 2013 at 1:13 PM
Thanks for sharing that. I'm sorry that happend in your family and I agree the op needs to wake up and get her life back.


Quoting wannabpregnant:

can i tell you something? i dont mean to scare you.... my aunt had a man who had these same types of rules. at first she loved that about him. the fact that he could take control. make the decisions. provide. she thought that was sexy. as time went on, the "rules" got worse. and more involved. he fed her. he picked out her clothes. (all oversized just incase she went out, no man would find her attractive. she was very beautiful mind you) it got so bad they moved far away and we never heard from her again. one day she called and said she didnt feel like he really loved her. they had sex tuesdays and thursdays, at 9:00. she said it wasnt romantic. it was like rape. he came home while she was on the phone with us, and all of a sudden the line hung up. he killed her that night. i dont know if it was becuase of the phone call, or becuase of something else..... it sounded like they fought and it just escaladed and he didnt mean to kill her. this issue needs to be addressed. and soon. 


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Sue1605
by Member on Jan. 18, 2013 at 5:17 PM

I think I read through all the replies but I didn't find whether you replied to how old your husband is? I am also curious about the ages of the kids. I agree with all the others advice that you should state that in a marriage you are both partners and equals. Do not confront him. However you have your whole life ahead of you and you do NOT want to live it under someone else's rule. Depending on how your conversation with him goes decide to continue in your marriage as equals or leave.

catrig
by Bronze Member on Jan. 18, 2013 at 6:39 PM

You say no.  You make your own rules.

HasNoIdea93
by on Jan. 18, 2013 at 7:17 PM

Just to clarify for everyones questions, i have spoken to one ex and know very little about her, the recent ex wife i have met personally and she is a bad mother( no offense to her). My husband is about to be 32. The children are 10 and 11, not my children. We have no children together and are not legally married. My father is absent and my mother constantly wishes that i would leave and come live with her. I have no friends in washington. Let me be very clear in saying that he is absolutely in no way abusive verbally, physically, or mentally to his children. That is why i said he is a good father. He is everything a women would want in a father, just not so much in a husband. All the men in this house have trust issues with women. Another women asked what my mothers history with men was like. My mothers first two relationships were abusive and they were both alcoholics. My step-father was a great man, unfortunately him and my mother were not compatable. My mother is now seeing another man after a couple of years of thousands of new BF. He does not mind if i go places, i have gone with my mother to my grandparents everytime she could come up to see me. Not because of my husband but because she couldn't afford the gas. The reason i don't see my family is because he does not want to drive down to where they live. I have no friends because i have not met anyone where i live. AS for the job thing, i dont' get that because as of right now my husband is unemployed. The money thing, he is i'm sad to say not very good with money. I tell him that i need things and he forgets. Our financially situation is not idealistic. The kids always have what they need from help from his family.  I have tried a few times to try and talk with him, but he always gets upset and sometimes when he's upset he leaves the house. He does however have some anger problems. I have no idea wether or not counseling will work or if he would even consider it. The reason i stay is because i want to work things out and i love those kids of his and don't want them to be without a mother, though i'm not sure if that should be enough reason to stay. Given the circumstance i am unsure of where to go from here. Some people say counseling, some people say run. I don't think he would ever physically hurt me, but then again you never know what people are capable of. My husband does make me feel worthless sometimes... Just because he will tell me he wants certain things done in the house and i will go above and beyond to clean and such and he will still rant and rave because the thing he wanted done was not done. He always apologizes after we fight, but i'm unsure now if its just an act. He has told me multiple times that if i wanted out of the relationship i could leave. Now i'm starting to wonder if he really does just want me to leave or if he's testing my boundaries. 

HasNoIdea93
by on Jan. 18, 2013 at 7:25 PM

BUMP!

TommyAbby
by Melissa on Jan. 18, 2013 at 7:28 PM


Why are you bumping??!?! There are over one hundred responses to this. What more do you need to hear?  Go get couseling for yourself to learn how to deal with him and for himself to learn to trust you more since you aren't going to leave. 



Quoting HasNoIdea93:

BUMP!



HasNoIdea93
by on Jan. 18, 2013 at 7:30 PM

i was bumping because some people asked me some questions and asked for a response

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