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my husband is smothering me with all his "rules"

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first let me say that i truly love my husband and he is a wonderful father, but he has too many rules for me. I can have a part-time job, but not a career. I can have my own money, but not pay any bills even if he can't afford them. I am expected to let him be the caregiver of the house and not be able to buy my self shampoo or lady products. I have a bed time. Yes i know, that is probably the worst of all. If i'm not in bed when he's ready for bed, i've betrayed his trust. I can go to college part-time, but only as a hobby. I do not have a drivers license so the only time i can leave the house and actually go somewhere is if he is not too busy or tired to drive. He buys me chocolate sometimes, but if he buys anything else its usually only for him. Moves, video games, clothes, etc. I feel smothered. I love him, but i don't feel like he really loves me anymore. I feel like he's always trying to change me. I used to have a life, now i don't even have friends or family close by because we moved far away for him. Am I being paranoid or is he too controlling and i need to stand up for myself? How do i stand up for myself without bringing tension?

by on Jan. 16, 2013 at 9:42 PM
Replies (161-170):
MommyLanie
by Member on Jan. 19, 2013 at 2:29 AM

I agree, this man is totally insecure, this sounds like the beginning of a nightmare.  You need to get out and get help.  You both need to go to counseling this is not going to work it's unhealthy and you will also pass down this dysfunction to your children.  Hopefully you have family to stay with until you two can work this out.  Good Luck!!!

http://www.loveisrespect.org/is-this-abuse/is-this-abuse?gclid=CLXG6qvy87QCFQJx4AodTxQA-Q

Is This Abuse?


Dating abuse is a pattern of destructive behaviors used to exert power and control over a dating partner. While we define dating violence as a pattern, that doesn't mean the first instance of abuse is not dating violence. It just recognizes that dating violence usually involves a series of abusive behaviors over a course of time.

Warning Signs of Abuse

Because relationships exist on a spectrum, it can be hard to tell when a behavior crosses the line from healthy to unhealthy or even abusive. Use these warning signs of abuse to see if your relationship is going in the wrong direction:

  • Checking your cell phone or email without permission
  • Constantly putting you down
  • Extreme jealousy or insecurity
  • Explosive temper
  • Isolating you from family or friends
  • Making false accusations
  • Mood swings
  • Physically hurting you in any way
  • Possessiveness
  • Telling you what to do


Quoting zoo003:

I see so many read flags when I read this post.  You asked if he was controlling and my answer would be a definite yes.  He is trying to control all areas within your life so that he can control you.  With this control, his irrational anxiety and fears of you leaving are somewhat alleviated.  Along with this, he has isolated you so that you cannot talk to anyone, thereby, increasing your dependence on him.  This is not a healthy relationship for him, you or your kid(s) to grow up in.  I would seriously look into counseling for both of you and if at any time you feel unsafe, please leave (find a women's shelter if needed).    



allthatjazz251
by on Jan. 19, 2013 at 2:31 AM

STOP making excuses for him. Trust me, I've studied it, I've been there... this IS abuse and is potentially very dangerous for you. GET OUT. NOW.

ihave1
by Member on Jan. 19, 2013 at 3:58 AM

 Abuse.  get out live b/c it will only get worse. 

ihave1
by Member on Jan. 19, 2013 at 3:59 AM

 

Quoting ihave1:

 Abuse.  get out leave  b/c it will only get worse. 

 

MommyLanie
by Member on Jan. 19, 2013 at 4:42 AM

Please, Please, Please have a back up plan and a place to go for you and your children.  Your husband should not be giving you rules or controlling you in anyway UNLESS you are going to hurt yourself or your children.  You are not his child but his partner.  He should be encouraging you to go out and better yourself.  You two need to get into some form of counseling.  I will be praying for you!!  Good Luck!!  ((((HUGS))))

A movie to watch.  Sleeping with the Enemy (This one reminds me of your situation).



Quoting HasNoIdea93:

Talked to my husband tonight and was able to compromise on some of the "rules" he had in place along with a few other issues. Hope it stays that way :)



PRwahm
by on Jan. 19, 2013 at 8:37 AM


Even though I went through your situation, not even I could say it better than this! Please girl, walk out!

Quoting PrincessButton:

I agree with most of the previous responses but I don't see how they are trying to be helpful. You ARE in an emotionally abusive relationship, there is no doubt. Many abusive relationships start out in a honeymoon stage; life is wonderful, he treats you like a queen. Once trust is established the abuser will start isolation and "brain washing". He has moved you away from friends and family with no effort to help you stay in contact with them. You obviously see some sort of problem but instead of asking yourself what is wrong with how he treats you you are asking if you are just being paranoid. Your instincts are NOT wrong, this is unhealthy. "Bringing tension", do you feel like you are always walking on eggshells? Mental abuse can easily escalate into a physical type of abuse and I'm worried for you! You are not alone, you are not crazy for feeling unsure, it's very common for the abused to feel like they are in the wrong because the abuser wants it that way. He will do things like promise your license just to gain more leverage on you and validate his bad acts with random good acts. It may sound very harsh and scary and maybe even wrong but you MUST get out and now! Options may seem limited, it's what the abuser wants you to believe, that you have no power. But you do and you must find it within yourself to take the first step and get away. Seek counselling AFTER you escape and yes I literally mean escape. Please, please leave. Now for the topic of his children, I am so sorry for them but unless you have legally adopted them there is no way you can help them. But staying isn't going to help them either so do yourself a favor, you deserve respect so start with respecting yourself enough to save yourself.Find a safe place and call a hotline, I found this number on-line 800.621.HOPE (4673). You will be in my prayers and thoughts! If you need words of encouragement feel free to personal message me. I will do any research you need to find somewhere to go or someone with experience to talk to. Or just listen.



theresaphilly
by Bronze Member on Jan. 19, 2013 at 11:35 AM

I would take one day and brake all those rules! And dare him to open his mouth.

midjet117
by on Jan. 19, 2013 at 2:36 PM
Sounds controlling to me. Confronting him or going against. him is going to upset him regardless
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momofpreemieboy
by Member on Jan. 19, 2013 at 2:45 PM

 You will bring tension no matter what. That being said I would talk to him and let him know you are an adult and need time for you. Let him know that you can't stand his rules.

momofpreemieboy
by Member on Jan. 19, 2013 at 2:46 PM

 This was my first response.

Quoting PRwahm:

 

Even though I went through your situation, not even I could say it better than this! Please girl, walk out!

Quoting PrincessButton:

I agree with most of the previous responses but I don't see how they are trying to be helpful. You ARE in an emotionally abusive relationship, there is no doubt. Many abusive relationships start out in a honeymoon stage; life is wonderful, he treats you like a queen. Once trust is established the abuser will start isolation and "brain washing". He has moved you away from friends and family with no effort to help you stay in contact with them. You obviously see some sort of problem but instead of asking yourself what is wrong with how he treats you you are asking if you are just being paranoid. Your instincts are NOT wrong, this is unhealthy. "Bringing tension", do you feel like you are always walking on eggshells? Mental abuse can easily escalate into a physical type of abuse and I'm worried for you! You are not alone, you are not crazy for feeling unsure, it's very common for the abused to feel like they are in the wrong because the abuser wants it that way. He will do things like promise your license just to gain more leverage on you and validate his bad acts with random good acts. It may sound very harsh and scary and maybe even wrong but you MUST get out and now! Options may seem limited, it's what the abuser wants you to believe, that you have no power. But you do and you must find it within yourself to take the first step and get away. Seek counselling AFTER you escape and yes I literally mean escape. Please, please leave. Now for the topic of his children, I am so sorry for them but unless you have legally adopted them there is no way you can help them. But staying isn't going to help them either so do yourself a favor, you deserve respect so start with respecting yourself enough to save yourself.Find a safe place and call a hotline, I found this number on-line 800.621.HOPE (4673). You will be in my prayers and thoughts! If you need words of encouragement feel free to personal message me. I will do any research you need to find somewhere to go or someone with experience to talk to. Or just listen.

 

 

 

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