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my husband is smothering me with all his "rules"

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first let me say that i truly love my husband and he is a wonderful father, but he has too many rules for me. I can have a part-time job, but not a career. I can have my own money, but not pay any bills even if he can't afford them. I am expected to let him be the caregiver of the house and not be able to buy my self shampoo or lady products. I have a bed time. Yes i know, that is probably the worst of all. If i'm not in bed when he's ready for bed, i've betrayed his trust. I can go to college part-time, but only as a hobby. I do not have a drivers license so the only time i can leave the house and actually go somewhere is if he is not too busy or tired to drive. He buys me chocolate sometimes, but if he buys anything else its usually only for him. Moves, video games, clothes, etc. I feel smothered. I love him, but i don't feel like he really loves me anymore. I feel like he's always trying to change me. I used to have a life, now i don't even have friends or family close by because we moved far away for him. Am I being paranoid or is he too controlling and i need to stand up for myself? How do i stand up for myself without bringing tension?

by on Jan. 16, 2013 at 9:42 PM
Replies (181-190):
by on Mar. 25, 2013 at 2:47 PM
Wow! What was he like when you were dating?
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by on Mar. 25, 2013 at 2:49 PM
When my ex started doing that stuff the beatings came shortly after..Controlling a woman is abuse and usually leads to worse.
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by on Mar. 25, 2013 at 2:57 PM
That's over controlling. My hubby has rules more resionable stuff like when i want something talk to him about it before i just go out and buy it. But he don't tell me I can't have a career or I have to have a bedtime. Seriously, is he your father cause that's what he is sounding like. I would nip that in the butt like yesterday. GL with everything.
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by on Mar. 25, 2013 at 3:18 PM
Bringing tension would be the least of my concearn if i was in a relationship like this! He is WAY TOO CONTROLLING and it is unhealthy for you to have to listen to your husband about what time to go to bed! Seriously and having a job, going to college or shopping for yourself? How could you possibly want to stay in a relationship like this and how could you care about what standing up for yourself will do to it or him!
Either sit him down and have a long talk, take him to counseling or run for your own sanity! I don't care how much you love him, you need to love yourself more and respect yourself enough to know that his behavior is abnormal and he should be ashamed of himself for treating you that way. Do yourself a favor and just STOP following his "rules", go out and get a job, don't ask him first just do it, don't go to bed when he is ready and if he tells you it's time for bed just tell him you are not tired and not ready! You are giving him the power by following what he says, take it back and just don't listen to him, you need to let him know by your actions that his behavior is unacceptable, by complying you are accepting his terms and giving him an even bigger power trip!
by on Mar. 25, 2013 at 3:20 PM
He's way too controlling. You cannot regain control without conflict. I'm sorry but if your freedoms worth having, it's worth fighting for.
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by on Mar. 25, 2013 at 3:20 PM
1 mom liked this

Okay... yea that is not normal. He's your "husband" not your father. Why is he telling you what time you have to go to bed? Not letting you buy your own beauty products. He is way too controlling. 

I replied in your other post but now I'm realizing THIS is why your mother doesn't like him. 

by Bronze Member on Mar. 25, 2013 at 3:22 PM
Why was this bumped? You ever leave the controlling man?
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by on Mar. 25, 2013 at 3:22 PM

This is emotional abuse. go to a couseolor pronto.

YOu will have to endure the tension in order to stand up for yourself. YOu need to write him a letter that says what this says. Be ready for him to be angry and pout etc. But it must be done.

by on Mar. 25, 2013 at 3:23 PM

This. My last boyfriend was the same way. It starts all sweet and loving. Then come the rules and the isolation. Then you aren't allowed to be independent AT ALL. Next will come the verbal abuse with physical and emotional/mental close behind. Stand up for yourself and make it clear that you won't stand for it. Some guys will stop when they realize they can't walk all over you (and sometimes that's how they want you to react anyway). Others will get worse and those are the ones you just have to walk away from. There's nothing you can do to help them. They are the ones who need counselling before they should even be in contact with you again. Abuse is abuse. Put a stop to it or walk away for your own health and safety as well as your children.

Quoting edelweiss23:

He is an idiot.
It's control.
Buck the rules, tell him rules have changed and you will now do what YOU feel is best for YOU.

You have a mind of your own, use it.

I was in a controlling and abusive relationship for several years. This is how it started. Then it moved to verbal abuse, then physical, mental and emotional abuse.

by on Mar. 25, 2013 at 3:26 PM

sounds more like your his daughter rather than his wife. you really need to talk to him asap that's just ridiculous on his part. marriage is about trust and wanting the best for your spouse in all areas.

good luck! ;)

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