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my husband is smothering me with all his "rules"

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first let me say that i truly love my husband and he is a wonderful father, but he has too many rules for me. I can have a part-time job, but not a career. I can have my own money, but not pay any bills even if he can't afford them. I am expected to let him be the caregiver of the house and not be able to buy my self shampoo or lady products. I have a bed time. Yes i know, that is probably the worst of all. If i'm not in bed when he's ready for bed, i've betrayed his trust. I can go to college part-time, but only as a hobby. I do not have a drivers license so the only time i can leave the house and actually go somewhere is if he is not too busy or tired to drive. He buys me chocolate sometimes, but if he buys anything else its usually only for him. Moves, video games, clothes, etc. I feel smothered. I love him, but i don't feel like he really loves me anymore. I feel like he's always trying to change me. I used to have a life, now i don't even have friends or family close by because we moved far away for him. Am I being paranoid or is he too controlling and i need to stand up for myself? How do i stand up for myself without bringing tension?

by on Jan. 16, 2013 at 9:42 PM
Replies (201-210):
mama.samm.2.3
by on Mar. 27, 2013 at 4:45 PM
This is control to the point of abuse. You are a grown woman. You are able to make your own choices. I'm sorry but this relationship is not healthy. You need to sit down with him and calmly talk about all these rules. Maybe counseling for both of you would be very beneficial. But things deffinantly need to change.
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Bigmetalchicken
by Bronze Member on Mar. 27, 2013 at 4:54 PM

You know, I just noticed that you are the one whose husband is also isolating you from your family.  

Honey, he is grooming you for abuse. I hate saying that, and if you knew me, you would know that i am the last person in the world to say stuff like, "Dump him", but seriously, I have a feeling that you would be better off out of this relationship.  He is trying to get you to the point that you feel like there is no way you can survive without him.  

Please call your mother and ask her to come and get you, and let you stay with her for a week or two. And really, really think about things. Don't let him manipulate you, or guilt you.  Just take that time as a chance to think about where you want your life to go, and if you can achieve the things you want with him behaving the way he does. Be completely honest with yourself.  I think you already know the answers to these questions. 

deadlights86
by Emily on Mar. 27, 2013 at 4:57 PM

THAT IS ABUSIVE CONTROLLING!! I went through that shit to with my 7 yo dad. He won't get better no matter how much you try and talk to him.

oliver92
by on Mar. 28, 2013 at 12:09 AM

how long have you been together, how long have you let him have total control, I know my cousin has no control of herself or the girls schedules its how her husband was raised and what he believes, they are happily married since 94 with 3 daughters, its just the way their home runs, hes not abusive or mean at all.  But you need to give more information, being isolated is a form of abuse, to keep control of you, it can be dangerous, you can go get your own drivers lic, you dont need him for that, get a job start there, try for some independence.  Take back some of that if you dont like it and communicate that you are feeling unhappy. 

Mhistina
by on Mar. 28, 2013 at 12:19 AM

You had another post just a few days ago asking if you should choose between your family or him  By reading this post and the other one, it appears you are in a very controlling abusive relationship.  This is not a good situation for you and your children.  No one should ever control someone that much.  This can be a very dangerous situation for yourself and your kids.  You need to think of the future.  Do you want your children to grow up thinking that is normal?  If they think this is normal, they will continue to relive the vicious cycle.  IMO you should go back to your mom's place and have a fresh start.  You may"love" him, but is his love a danger to you and the children?   Your a grown women.  You looked forward to make your own decisions for so long, don't let someone else rule your life. 

mghtymffn
by Member on Mar. 28, 2013 at 12:56 AM

call your mama now and have her get you a plane ticket!!!!!  that Mofo is crazy and it will only get worst..........time for some blunt truth...........he is controlling and it will only get worst..........What's love got to do with it!  leave him, leave him, leave him................I normally don't advocate breaking up a marriage, but this is giving me the creeps just reading it so I can only imagine how you are feeling.

Laronda367
by on Mar. 28, 2013 at 3:56 AM
Tell him you are not his child! And he can take his rules and shove em do not let a man control u ive been there done that aint going back it only gets worse he is just using excuses to control u!
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robeandslippers
by on Mar. 28, 2013 at 3:57 AM

Rules!! Oh hell no, that is not a marriage! He sounds controlling!

Laronda367
by on Mar. 28, 2013 at 4:00 AM
I just left My first love Of six years because Of shit like this he was to much im with My family now trynna save money to get back on My feet..
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mrswilson10
by on Mar. 28, 2013 at 4:17 AM

Okay so this may have been said already. First is he highly religious? If he is that could explain the part where he wants to be the provider and does not want you to have your buy yourself anything. However, and I do not say this lightly, as I take marriage seriously and think that it is a lifetime commitment. I think that you need to contact a family member and leave this situation. He is very controlling and this is where it starts. He has isolated you from your family and friends. He does not allow you have a real job...as in he does not want you to make enough money to be able to leave. Also does he buy you anything for fun like he does himself. It seems to me that this could escalate quickly. Please keep yourself and your children safe!

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