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my husband is smothering me with all his "rules"

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first let me say that i truly love my husband and he is a wonderful father, but he has too many rules for me. I can have a part-time job, but not a career. I can have my own money, but not pay any bills even if he can't afford them. I am expected to let him be the caregiver of the house and not be able to buy my self shampoo or lady products. I have a bed time. Yes i know, that is probably the worst of all. If i'm not in bed when he's ready for bed, i've betrayed his trust. I can go to college part-time, but only as a hobby. I do not have a drivers license so the only time i can leave the house and actually go somewhere is if he is not too busy or tired to drive. He buys me chocolate sometimes, but if he buys anything else its usually only for him. Moves, video games, clothes, etc. I feel smothered. I love him, but i don't feel like he really loves me anymore. I feel like he's always trying to change me. I used to have a life, now i don't even have friends or family close by because we moved far away for him. Am I being paranoid or is he too controlling and i need to stand up for myself? How do i stand up for myself without bringing tension?

by on Jan. 16, 2013 at 9:42 PM
Replies (41-50):
by Alexandra on Jan. 16, 2013 at 10:53 PM

This is very controlling behaviour.  What happens if you disobey him?

You need to assert yourself.  It will bring tension, that's unavoidable but be strong.   Remember that he is the one who is unreasonable, not you.

There is no way in hell that I would ever tolerate that from my husband. 

by on Jan. 16, 2013 at 10:54 PM
If he cannot allow you the freedom to just be yourself there is a problem. It won't get better on its own. Trust me, I've been there.
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by Bronze Member on Jan. 16, 2013 at 10:59 PM
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What happened to the children's first 2 mothers? That is concerning for me.

by Silver Member on Jan. 16, 2013 at 11:00 PM
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by Trica on Jan. 16, 2013 at 11:00 PM
Wow sorry red flags! And you married him,scary part! How was he before? He seems to not going to have a moment of clarity like in a Lifetime movie! He needs a counselor!ASAP! The bedtime thing is beyond silly! It's unhealthy for another grown person to tell another when to go bed,when to pee!
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by on Jan. 16, 2013 at 11:01 PM
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you lost me at rules. 

This reminds of me 'sleeping with the enemy' 

We all know how that turned out. Btw, that's not love....not even close. 

by on Jan. 16, 2013 at 11:12 PM
Here is what I always tell people in these situations: if this was your daughter 20 years down the road telling you this story, what would you tell her to do?

Whether this is salvageable or not, I don't know. He's a master at this. You are isolated, controlled & manipulated. Now you are raising his children and love them so even if you get enough of him, you will stay to protect them. I don't know if any level of counseling would help. If you were my sister, I'd be begging you to get help now!
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by on Jan. 16, 2013 at 11:21 PM
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Lemme guess, he told you that both previous wives were " crazy bitches", or cheated, or one drugs, or all three. Being so young, you never asked for details because it seemed to be too upsetting for him.... Or maybe paranoid when you asked, if you asked.
Those children are watching him do this to the first two and now you.
Not salvageable ...he may never lay a physical hand on you, but he will make you feel so useless and helpless that you can't leave.
You need more, better, get out, go home, and start again. Do it now.

Quoting HasNoIdea93:

That is part of my concern. The kids, i love them and they have lost 2 mothers already. They are not my kids so if i left i would never see them again, we would all be devastated. I don't know what to do. This is why you shouldn't marry at 20.

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by on Jan. 16, 2013 at 11:28 PM
Quoting Angeleyez81:

communication is the key to a marriage, you both need to find time to sit and talk to each other and for you to really let him know how you feel. Your husband should be your best friend and partner in life, not your dad who tells you what you can and cannot do. Good luck!

You should be able to be you. Not have go by what he says. Your his wife not his child. Let it all and he' s the one who needs to work on himself. He has issues.
by on Jan. 16, 2013 at 11:32 PM

He said one cheated and wanted to leave, and she actually is a bitch, and the other was on drugs.... yeah i guess it sounds familiar. Stewart was a happy fun loving guy before we married. He brought me flowers and chocolates all the time. We went for walks for hours just laughing and having a good time together. He never minded when i left with my mom for a few days to see family. He still doesn't mind that part, but won't go the distance to help me see them. Thats why i'm getting a license, which him and his dad decided to do for me for my birthday. He was always telling me how beautiful i looked or how he would like to see me in a dress.. He used to do everything for me when and however he could. Now i have to fish for compliments.. he still gets me chocolate sometimes, but usually only when i ask and he's already going to the store. He does't buy me flowers anymore hardly ever. He doesn't read my texts or e-mails and never tries, he says its an invasion of space and he trusts me.  He was the perfect guy before we got married.. It all started going down hill when his ex wouldn't allow him to see his three year old son and prevented him from bringing home income. He made 800 a month and she wanter 825 in child support. .. i don't know what happened to him

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