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Husband can't handle kids and house when I'm gone...leaving me constantly feeling guilty!

Posted by on Jan. 22, 2013 at 1:50 PM
  • 12 Replies
My husband and I have four boys ages 2, 8, 9, 11. Yes I know, chaos! I would like to start by saying that I love my husband more than anything in the world, and most of the time I do feel like I am one of the lucky ones to have such a good man in my life. BUT! I have the luxury of being able to work from my home for the most part. I'm able to make my own schedule and have a good amount of flexibility. Thank god that I have such a great boss. However, having four very active boys in my home who are involved in everything, sports, extra curricular activities, etc. then add school, homework, chores, a toddler that's developing a very independent into everything personality, housework, and all of the work that I do have to get done for my job...there are days that even I don't know how I get it all done. With that said, I find a way. The house gets cleaned, bills paid, things are organized, schedules are organized, homework and chores get done, I get my emails sent, phone calls made, projects complete, dogs to groomer, laundry to the cleaner, groceries shopped for, dinner made, baths taken, bed time on time, then all of that gets cleaned up. Now, it doesn't always go smoothly, ok so often it doesn't, and a lot of times I'm very stressed by the end of the day. When my husband comes home from being in his nice quiet office working in peace and quiet all day, I still try to keep my composure when he's completely clueless as to why I'm on edge. I'm fairly certain that in his mind if something doesn't get done, he has a hard time understanding why because according to him my schedule is "flexible" and I have all day to do things. Right. I ignore the ignorant unintentionally insensitive comments, and we go on with our night...most of the time husband still oblivious to many things going on around him. Fast forward to the times when my job does require me to travel. It's not often, but when I have to go, I have to go. I don't dedicate near as much of myself to my career as I should most days because of the never ending mom/wife duties around me, so when my boss needs me to travel, I feel I owe him at least that. My husband tries I think to act supportive...and as guilty as I feel I look forward to the times when I'll get to actually work with NO distractions. UNTIL, the first night I'm away. It's like, sh*t just hits the fan! I call my husband and he's beyond stressed, kids are fighting, nobody is doing what they are supposed to, baby is tearing down the house, homework isn't done, ramen for dinner because there wasn't time to cook, he's exhausted because somehow he truly believes that things are ten times harder, kids are ten times worse, there's ten times more to do when he's doing it. In his mind things are just easier when I have to do it. It's a conspiracy! So by the time I get to talk to my husband, he's short with his words, saying everything BUT actually saying that I shouldn't have gone out of town because me not being there pretty much just put a burden on everybody involved. Then I feel guilty the rest of my trip, wishing I hadn't left, and praying everybody and everything is still in one piece when I return. Husband and I spend the whole week not missing each other, or saying the sweet things on the phone, or even having much conversation at all because he's so beside himself that things are so out of control and upset that he's having to deal with so much. If I say things like, "babe, I understand trust me, I deal with those things every single day" he huffs and thinks that its somehow impossible, and that its only stressful if he's having to do it. No matter how many schedules I lay out, binders of instructions on how to do everything involved in the daily routine, everything is prepared before I leave. It's like he doesn't see any of that, has no clue how much I've done, how much I do, and instead of appreciating me more while I'm gone, and happy for me to come home so we can go back to our own "duties", its more like a "that week was hell, I can't believe you left, this house and kids are out of control, we need to fix that" then just goes on about his calm and quiet work routine. I feel like I'm rambling but I am so beyond sick of feeling this way!!! I don't know how to get him to just at least recognize or see what all I actually do take care of and deal with, rather than him ignore it day in and day out then tell me how impossible our chaos is when he has to deal with it. I do just fine and take pride in how organized I keep things, and then when this happens, I feel like a complete failure from hearing my husband complain about how awful it is. I don't know what to do. I'm tired of feeling guilty for taking the little time I do to focus on my job, and I'm tired of feeling like I'm an awful person for leaving my husband and kids at home for them to completely hate each other and our lives by the time I get back!! I just want to miss my husband again, I just want him to appreciate me a little more, and not make me feel like I've caused burdens all over the place.
by on Jan. 22, 2013 at 1:50 PM
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Replies (1-10):
PartyGalAnne
by on Jan. 22, 2013 at 2:11 PM
2 moms liked this

Go on strike. 3 days, do NOTHING.

And you need to tell your husband "I handle it all day just fine. The kds make it thru every day just fine. Let's take a look at the common denominator of the chaos= YOU!"

mom1T2Ldh
by on Jan. 22, 2013 at 2:12 PM

 oh girl you are good he just gonna have to deal with his kids and move on don't make him make you feel guilty and most of all don't you feel guilty cause your not there allow yourself to move on guilt free if you don't he is going to try it again and you won't want to go anywhere and  you deserve too.

mom1T2Ldh
by on Jan. 22, 2013 at 2:14 PM

 oh yea stop and breath and look at what you wrote do you really think you have anything to be guilty  of he is being a big baby do fall for it.

CrazyLife1996
by on Jan. 22, 2013 at 2:34 PM
He is being a big baby and stubborn as a mule. He very well knows now how much you work to make everything run as smoothly as you do. He just doesn't want to admit that you figured it out and he hasn't yet.

I would for just a few days because that is more than enough to make you crazy. I wouldn't completely stop doing everything but I would allow things not to be done. Especially dinner. He is used to having a meal because you figure it out to make it happen. Let him truly see what wouldn't get done if you didn't push yourself.

When he asks why you didn't get around to doing it. Just say I didn't have time to get it done tonight.

After a couple of days give him a letter and explain how hard it really is and how it would be nice for a little help when he is home then he will be better equipped when you need to travel.

You absolutely have nothing to feel guilty about.
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furbabymum
by Gold Member on Jan. 22, 2013 at 2:36 PM

 Eh you're being too nice. My DH doesn't feed/care for our DS like I would like him to while I'm gone. They eat more junk and watch more TV than I would ever allow. However, he's alive so I'm ok with how it was accomplished. My DH also knows not to complain. Not that he doesn't try, he does. I just tell him, yes I know I do it ALL the time. Your DH should help you out more at home on a regular basis and not just when you're gone. That would help BOTH of you. He can appreciate what you do more and you get some help with the chaos. I know I was looking at my pre planned menu last night and taking out the chicken to thaw thinking to myself that he has NO idea what really goes into running our family successfully.

I agree with PartygalAnne. Go on strike. When my DH wouldn't stop complaining about my cooking I just didn't cook for a month. He learned an excellent lesson from that.

TommyAbby
by Melissa on Jan. 22, 2013 at 2:54 PM

yeah.. hubby tried that ONCE. I let him know exactly what I do on a day  to day basis and he discovered its not as easy as it looks. And if he tried to help more often, I wouldn't be a stressball by the end of the day. You need to sit him down and tell him how your day goes and tell him he needs to start picking up a few of the "chores" so he won't be so crazy when you leave. 


rockinmomto2
by Bronze Member on Jan. 22, 2013 at 2:56 PM

Most of the time when I leave my DH alone with our kids (3, 5, 7), he FREAKS. He has no idea what to do or how to do it. I finally had to sit him down and tell him that he's more than capable of taking care of the kids and the house, just like I am. He can feed them healthy food and make sure their homework is done just as well as I can. 

Now, according to my DH, I make everything look easy. So he oftentimes feels inadequate whenever I ask him to do anything. It feels hard to him, but looks easy when I do it. I think your husband sees it much the same way. Because you have so much "free time", he expects things to get done (and they do) in a timely fashion. But when he suddenly is responsible for everything, it feels a thousand times harder than it is.

I would sit down with your husband and have a very frank, honest conversation about how you're feeling and how his behavior is making you feel. 

Lindalou907
by Bronze Member on Jan. 22, 2013 at 3:13 PM

I would forward him what you just told us! Poor mama, I feel your pain. The other thing I suggest is to keep extraciricular activities for the kids down to one each, for your own sanity. I would also put hubby in charge of things like dropping off and picking up dry cleaning, getting the kids ready for bed, or dinner clean-up, whatever. My husband was always in charge of baths, that gave me a little break. You are kind of like me, you try to do it all and one day you're gonna snap! A happy mommy is more important to your family.

lnr187
by on Jan. 22, 2013 at 3:55 PM

 i agree with partygalanne... go on strike. don't do anything. when he gets home from work, he can do all of that, while you're home. and then he can see it isn't "harder" when he's doing it alone. if that makes sense. all of the stuff you do is hard work individually, and somehow you're superwoman and do it all simultatniously! (im in awe btw)
the other thing i can think of is you tell him... "ok if you don't want me away, i will quit my job so that im here to care for them and available to the family always" see what he says to THAT!

lnr187
by on Jan. 22, 2013 at 4:11 PM

 i was thinking the exact same thing. let him read this. also, have him help with stuff while you are home... it will do 2 things... it will give him 'practice' in the day to day routine, and also keep the kids used to him caring for them. things could very well be 'harder' when he does it alone bc the kids are used to the way mommy does things. normal. but he needs to do something about that to make it easier for both you and him! i had to explain this to dh. he was having a hard time when i was away. i finally told him, well maybe if you did stuff right along side me normally, then ds would be used to you doing things AND that he'd really only be taking on a little extra work (the stuff i would have been doing)... and its just a few days so i never even expected him to even clean the house or anything. ss medicine bag containing his inhaler and epi pen have been kept in the same place in ss bedroom since the day he started using them. a few weeks ago i asked dh to get ss inhaler and have him brush his teeth for bed. he had to ask me where the inhaler was! are you freaking kidding me?!

Quoting Lindalou907:

I would forward him what you just told us! Poor mama, I feel your pain. The other thing I suggest is to keep extraciricular activities for the kids down to one each, for your own sanity. I would also put hubby in charge of things like dropping off and picking up dry cleaning, getting the kids ready for bed, or dinner clean-up, whatever. My husband was always in charge of baths, that gave me a little break. You are kind of like me, you try to do it all and one day you're gonna snap! A happy mommy is more important to your family.

 

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