Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

i love him, but is love really enough!

Posted by   + Show Post
Lately Dh has been driving me crazy. He has had an attitude for awhile now. Ex: last night our two year old wanted to sit with Dh at the dinner table after he was done eating. Aiden was sitting on Dh's lap watching him eat. Aiden picked up his spoon and tried to give Dh a bite of his food. Dh wasn't paying attention at all he was texting on his phone. Aiden ended up spilling a little of what was on the spoon on the chair Dh was sitting in. Dh flipped out. He told Aiden, "why do you have to make messes, huh? Keep your hands and spoon out of my food." He took Aiden off his lap and set him down on the floor next to his chair. Aiden started throwing a tantrum. He threw himself back and ended up cracking his head on the table leg. Dh looked down at Aiden and went on a rant about Aiden playing with his food, making a huge mess and Dh not feeling sorry for Aiden. I was clearing the table and Dh walks over, takes the bowls out of my hand and say's, " I got this get." Said it with about as much attitude as he could. Our oldest was playing his ds while watching a cartoon in the livingroom. Dh came in and sat down after cleaning the kitchen. He takes the remote and changes the channel. Gage got all upset frantically asking Dh why he turned his cartoon off. Dh said because he wasn't watching it. It was a spat back and forth about argued he was or was not watching. After about a minute or two Dh told Gage to go to his room. Gage was crying saying, "I was just watching tv." Dh yelled back for him to hush it up and get his butt in his room." The night before while petting Gage to bed he felt it necessary to point out every bad choice Gage made since being home from school and scold him about how he don't approve. Told him he was dissapointed in his poor choices. Gage left the room to go potty and I said, "could we please not talk about this right now. I don't want Gage getting all stressed out and wetting the bed." His response was, "it's never a good time for you. I'll just keep my fing mouth shut." It's not just with the kids it's other stuff as well. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I'm tired of talking to him about this. He maybe good for a day or two then he'll go a couple days up to weeks being an ass. I just don't know what to do.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
by on Jan. 24, 2013 at 7:54 AM
Replies (11-20):
tristansmom74
by on Jan. 24, 2013 at 10:51 AM
I get what you are saying- but his anger over every situation is very wrong. Parenting classes sound like they would help a lot. Teaching correct behavior instead of reacting to bad behavior.
And OP- does he drink?


Quoting Kes1s:

1.  No texting during meals unless it's an emergency situation. (I would be more irritated about this than anything else.  Meal time = family time.  If you need to do business we'll wait.  If it's social your friends will wait.)

2.  Keep your hands and utensils in your own bowl.  This is how we teach kids to EAT, not play with food. Additionally we have the rules of you will keep your butt in your chair and you will say excuse me before you interrupt an adult or to be noticed by an adult that is occupied.

I would not tolerate my daughter (3yo) putting her hands or her utensils in my face or my spouses face while we are eating - or at all.  This is not to say that she doesn't try, but she is corrected and is told to sit on her bottom, use her fork and eat her food.  Your kids are old enough to eat a meal politely.  What was cute at 2 is just flat out irritating at 5.  Having a fit for it is unacceptable.

My 3yo will occasionally kick up a fuss about being told that the dinner table is for sitting and eating, and if she does she is removed from the table and yes.  She will cry.  It's not the end of the world. Maybe you can practice dinner manners during lunch to get the kids used to sitting.

It sounds like your kids are setting the rules for your household, not you.  In our house, once it's family television time, the kids shows get changed.  When dad gets home, he gets the TV for a few hours.  The kids have had it all day.  If we are watching or talking about something inappropriate the kids are told to go play or leave the room as well.

There is no negotiating or reationalizing that the kids don't want their shows changed.  Dad is an adult and has the right to come home and watch some TV at the end of the day. 

It's time to adult proof your house.  

It also sounds like your man has different expectations and desires for the kids behavior than you do. 


Telling a child to go to their room and raising your voice when your child refuses to do as they are told is not abuse.  By stepping in between him and being firm with his children you are teaching the kids that dad is being mean, rather than dad means what he is saying, what you did was wrong and I back him.

You all are setting yourselves up for divide and conquer tactics from your kids later on.  Get on the same team.  Toughen up on those kids mom.

Posted on CafeMom Mobile
sydjademom24
by Rachel J on Jan. 24, 2013 at 11:05 AM
1 mom liked this

It sounds like he's either really stressed out and taking it out on you guys, or that he's just got an anger control problem. I've had to talk with my hubby about the same thing. He'll have had a bad day and if he comes home and one of the kids accidentally spills something he's harder on them then he should be for an accident. A lot of the time outside circumstances have a lot to do with attitude at home. I know if i'm stressed out about something that i'm less patient with the kids. It's hard for me to sit down with him and say, hey, I really don't think you should have yelled at her like that. No one likes to hear what they are doing wrong and 99% of the time they will get defensive. All you can do is just calmly explain that you don't like it and you want him to stop, and he doesn't need to be taking out his stress or whatever on the family...that it's not fair. Suggest he get involved in boxing or buy a punching bag...let him take out his aggression on that. Or something of that nature.

furbabymum
by Gold Member on Jan. 24, 2013 at 11:15 AM

Well you need to have a discusion and get on the same page about how you handle the kids while the kids aren't around. This is going to be a continuing conversation obviously. We do a lot of these conversations in Marraige counseling which is what I would suggest for you.

Kageegirl
by Bronze Member on Jan. 24, 2013 at 12:29 PM
What it boils down to is I know we are both on the same page about discipline and what we expect from the boys. Dh is just the type of person to wear his feelings on his sleeves. He acts out everything he feels. When he gets stressed or overwhelmed he tends to take it out on everyone. He's not the type of person to take responsibility for what he's feeling and admit he was wrong. Instead he makes everyone else out to be the bad guy. He's stubborn and a grudge holder. Communication hasn't always come easy for us but we've always put our best foot forward and kept working at it. I'm the type of person to say exactly how I feel no holds bar. I don't hold grudged nor do I get angry/upset easily. This is where we tend to butt heads.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
connie45
by Member on Jan. 24, 2013 at 12:42 PM

Your husband is a dick.  From what I recall of your posts, he's always been an insensitive husband and father.

Im going to guess that he is a low wage earner, so you have constant money issues.  I think he resents his responsibilities because he cannot achieve a much better paying job.

SlightlyPerfect
by Slightly Perfect on Jan. 24, 2013 at 12:56 PM
1 mom liked this

Whatever is driving me to act this way, all I can say is that, no, unfortunately, love isn't the end-all-be-all.

slightlyperfect

SlightlyPerfect
by Slightly Perfect on Jan. 24, 2013 at 12:58 PM
1 mom liked this

That is not "wearing your heart on your sleeve" behavior. That's redirection, transference, even projection. I understand we all "freak out" at times when we feel emotionally overwhelmed, but to make that habitual behavior isn't normal, let alone healthy.

I'm surprised he doesn't change when you point out the need for it. Something's blocking that. I would just come out and ask him what the obstruction is.

Quoting Kageegirl:

 When he gets stressed or overwhelmed he tends to take it out on everyone.


slightlyperfect

beachbeauty
by on Jan. 24, 2013 at 2:45 PM


I agree with this, except I think it is simply rude to walk in and change the channel on the tv when someone else is watching it, especially without warning them first.  Adult or not, it's mean, and the entire disagreement possibly could have been avoided if he would have given him a few minutes to finish what he was watching and a little warning "in 5 minutes I'm changing the channel".

Quoting Kes1s:

1.  No texting during meals unless it's an emergency situation. (I would be more irritated about this than anything else.  Meal time = family time.  If you need to do business we'll wait.  If it's social your friends will wait.)

2.  Keep your hands and utensils in your own bowl.  This is how we teach kids to EAT, not play with food. Additionally we have the rules of you will keep your butt in your chair and you will say excuse me before you interrupt an adult or to be noticed by an adult that is occupied.

I would not tolerate my daughter (3yo) putting her hands or her utensils in my face or my spouses face while we are eating - or at all.  This is not to say that she doesn't try, but she is corrected and is told to sit on her bottom, use her fork and eat her food.  Your kids are old enough to eat a meal politely.  What was cute at 2 is just flat out irritating at 5.  Having a fit for it is unacceptable.

My 3yo will occasionally kick up a fuss about being told that the dinner table is for sitting and eating, and if she does she is removed from the table and yes.  She will cry.  It's not the end of the world. Maybe you can practice dinner manners during lunch to get the kids used to sitting.

It sounds like your kids are setting the rules for your household, not you.  In our house, once it's family television time, the kids shows get changed.  When dad gets home, he gets the TV for a few hours.  The kids have had it all day.  If we are watching or talking about something inappropriate the kids are told to go play or leave the room as well.

There is no negotiating or reationalizing that the kids don't want their shows changed.  Dad is an adult and has the right to come home and watch some TV at the end of the day. 

It's time to adult proof your house.  

It also sounds like your man has different expectations and desires for the kids behavior than you do. 


Telling a child to go to their room and raising your voice when your child refuses to do as they are told is not abuse.  By stepping in between him and being firm with his children you are teaching the kids that dad is being mean, rather than dad means what he is saying, what you did was wrong and I back him.

You all are setting yourselves up for divide and conquer tactics from your kids later on.  Get on the same team.  Toughen up on those kids mom.



beachbeauty
by on Jan. 24, 2013 at 2:52 PM


I'm having this problem with my DH, if I try to talk to him using "I feel..." statements he will still get angry, yell at me, and make it all out to be about him, he will say that I am the one who yells all the time, that I am mean to him, etc.  I have taken his words to heart, to make sure that I am not in fact doing it and I'm not.  Unfortunately he won't do the same.  I also don't approve of arguing with a child, he will yell at our 8yo, our 8yo will yell back (at which point if it was me he would go straight to his room), Dh will yell again and they will continue to argue and yell at each other.  Then finally DH will get tired of it and send him to his room, then continue to yell up the stairs at him.  It causes alot of tension in our house, the other kids usually disappear to their rooms to avoid it.  If I step in I am not letting him "discipline his son".  I don't have any advice for you really, but after 17 years I am to the point of where I am tired of dealing with it and trying to talk about it and making a plan to leave.

Quoting Kageegirl:

What it boils down to is I know we are both on the same page about discipline and what we expect from the boys. Dh is just the type of person to wear his feelings on his sleeves. He acts out everything he feels. When he gets stressed or overwhelmed he tends to take it out on everyone. He's not the type of person to take responsibility for what he's feeling and admit he was wrong. Instead he makes everyone else out to be the bad guy. He's stubborn and a grudge holder. Communication hasn't always come easy for us but we've always put our best foot forward and kept working at it. I'm the type of person to say exactly how I feel no holds bar. I don't hold grudged nor do I get angry/upset easily. This is where we tend to butt heads.



ashleigh24
by on Jan. 24, 2013 at 2:56 PM
1 mom liked this
Honestly that was me :-( I'm not saying this is what is going on but I was miserable with my life. I was unhappy about myself, my marriage just everything. I wanted to be an independent woman not someone that relies on a man. I had been relying on my hubby for 6 years and I was tired of it. I was so unhappy in our marriage I started to ignore his needs and just focus on making it through the day. I bit heads off all the time. My hubby has a very short temper so me acting this way he couldn't stand it so we argued a whole lot. Finally we decided to seperate and OMG I'm sooooo much happier without all the stress if taking care if him too. I just am me. I spend time with my dd and absouletly love my job (which I blamed for the stress sometimes cuz I didn't know why I was so unhappy). We filed for divorce last Monday and I'm not crying about anything anymore. I go to bed happy and wake up happy everyday. I never thought he was making me stress that much where I was miserable. We are better at being friends for sure. I was scared to loose him because my dd isn't his but he swears he will never go anywhere. My hubby is her daddy for sure!!! I am glad that things are working out for us now. I'm not saying this is what is wrong with your hubby but sit him down and ask him. Make sure you tell him he can be honest with you no matter what you will be there for him. I was so scared to tell the truth cuz I didn't want to break up our family and end our marriage after only 6 years. I didn't want to be a failure but he needed to know that truth and he deserves to be happy and I couldn't give him what he wanted so it was time. Good luck girl.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)