And OP- does he drink?
Quoting Kes1s:1. No texting during meals unless it's an emergency situation. (I would be more irritated about this than anything else. Meal time = family time. If you need to do business we'll wait. If it's social your friends will wait.)
2. Keep your hands and utensils in your own bowl. This is how we teach kids to EAT, not play with food. Additionally we have the rules of you will keep your butt in your chair and you will say excuse me before you interrupt an adult or to be noticed by an adult that is occupied.
I would not tolerate my daughter (3yo) putting her hands or her utensils in my face or my spouses face while we are eating - or at all. This is not to say that she doesn't try, but she is corrected and is told to sit on her bottom, use her fork and eat her food. Your kids are old enough to eat a meal politely. What was cute at 2 is just flat out irritating at 5. Having a fit for it is unacceptable.
My 3yo will occasionally kick up a fuss about being told that the dinner table is for sitting and eating, and if she does she is removed from the table and yes. She will cry. It's not the end of the world. Maybe you can practice dinner manners during lunch to get the kids used to sitting.
It sounds like your kids are setting the rules for your household, not you. In our house, once it's family television time, the kids shows get changed. When dad gets home, he gets the TV for a few hours. The kids have had it all day. If we are watching or talking about something inappropriate the kids are told to go play or leave the room as well.
There is no negotiating or reationalizing that the kids don't want their shows changed. Dad is an adult and has the right to come home and watch some TV at the end of the day.
It's time to adult proof your house.
It also sounds like your man has different expectations and desires for the kids behavior than you do.
Telling a child to go to their room and raising your voice when your child refuses to do as they are told is not abuse. By stepping in between him and being firm with his children you are teaching the kids that dad is being mean, rather than dad means what he is saying, what you did was wrong and I back him.
You all are setting yourselves up for divide and conquer tactics from your kids later on. Get on the same team. Toughen up on those kids mom.
It sounds like he's either really stressed out and taking it out on you guys, or that he's just got an anger control problem. I've had to talk with my hubby about the same thing. He'll have had a bad day and if he comes home and one of the kids accidentally spills something he's harder on them then he should be for an accident. A lot of the time outside circumstances have a lot to do with attitude at home. I know if i'm stressed out about something that i'm less patient with the kids. It's hard for me to sit down with him and say, hey, I really don't think you should have yelled at her like that. No one likes to hear what they are doing wrong and 99% of the time they will get defensive. All you can do is just calmly explain that you don't like it and you want him to stop, and he doesn't need to be taking out his stress or whatever on the family...that it's not fair. Suggest he get involved in boxing or buy a punching bag...let him take out his aggression on that. Or something of that nature.
Well you need to have a discusion and get on the same page about how you handle the kids while the kids aren't around. This is going to be a continuing conversation obviously. We do a lot of these conversations in Marraige counseling which is what I would suggest for you.
Whatever is driving me to act this way, all I can say is that, no, unfortunately, love isn't the end-all-be-all.
That is not "wearing your heart on your sleeve" behavior. That's redirection, transference, even projection. I understand we all "freak out" at times when we feel emotionally overwhelmed, but to make that habitual behavior isn't normal, let alone healthy.
I'm surprised he doesn't change when you point out the need for it. Something's blocking that. I would just come out and ask him what the obstruction is.
Quoting Kageegirl:
When he gets stressed or overwhelmed he tends to take it out on everyone.
I agree with this, except I think it is simply rude to walk in and change the channel on the tv when someone else is watching it, especially without warning them first. Adult or not, it's mean, and the entire disagreement possibly could have been avoided if he would have given him a few minutes to finish what he was watching and a little warning "in 5 minutes I'm changing the channel".
Quoting Kes1s:1. No texting during meals unless it's an emergency situation. (I would be more irritated about this than anything else. Meal time = family time. If you need to do business we'll wait. If it's social your friends will wait.)
2. Keep your hands and utensils in your own bowl. This is how we teach kids to EAT, not play with food. Additionally we have the rules of you will keep your butt in your chair and you will say excuse me before you interrupt an adult or to be noticed by an adult that is occupied.
I would not tolerate my daughter (3yo) putting her hands or her utensils in my face or my spouses face while we are eating - or at all. This is not to say that she doesn't try, but she is corrected and is told to sit on her bottom, use her fork and eat her food. Your kids are old enough to eat a meal politely. What was cute at 2 is just flat out irritating at 5. Having a fit for it is unacceptable.
My 3yo will occasionally kick up a fuss about being told that the dinner table is for sitting and eating, and if she does she is removed from the table and yes. She will cry. It's not the end of the world. Maybe you can practice dinner manners during lunch to get the kids used to sitting.
It sounds like your kids are setting the rules for your household, not you. In our house, once it's family television time, the kids shows get changed. When dad gets home, he gets the TV for a few hours. The kids have had it all day. If we are watching or talking about something inappropriate the kids are told to go play or leave the room as well.
There is no negotiating or reationalizing that the kids don't want their shows changed. Dad is an adult and has the right to come home and watch some TV at the end of the day.
It's time to adult proof your house.
It also sounds like your man has different expectations and desires for the kids behavior than you do.
Telling a child to go to their room and raising your voice when your child refuses to do as they are told is not abuse. By stepping in between him and being firm with his children you are teaching the kids that dad is being mean, rather than dad means what he is saying, what you did was wrong and I back him.
You all are setting yourselves up for divide and conquer tactics from your kids later on. Get on the same team. Toughen up on those kids mom.
I'm having this problem with my DH, if I try to talk to him using "I feel..." statements he will still get angry, yell at me, and make it all out to be about him, he will say that I am the one who yells all the time, that I am mean to him, etc. I have taken his words to heart, to make sure that I am not in fact doing it and I'm not. Unfortunately he won't do the same. I also don't approve of arguing with a child, he will yell at our 8yo, our 8yo will yell back (at which point if it was me he would go straight to his room), Dh will yell again and they will continue to argue and yell at each other. Then finally DH will get tired of it and send him to his room, then continue to yell up the stairs at him. It causes alot of tension in our house, the other kids usually disappear to their rooms to avoid it. If I step in I am not letting him "discipline his son". I don't have any advice for you really, but after 17 years I am to the point of where I am tired of dealing with it and trying to talk about it and making a plan to leave.
Quoting Kageegirl:
What it boils down to is I know we are both on the same page about discipline and what we expect from the boys. Dh is just the type of person to wear his feelings on his sleeves. He acts out everything he feels. When he gets stressed or overwhelmed he tends to take it out on everyone. He's not the type of person to take responsibility for what he's feeling and admit he was wrong. Instead he makes everyone else out to be the bad guy. He's stubborn and a grudge holder. Communication hasn't always come easy for us but we've always put our best foot forward and kept working at it. I'm the type of person to say exactly how I feel no holds bar. I don't hold grudged nor do I get angry/upset easily. This is where we tend to butt heads.
You know , but does your partner?
- Kageegirl
on Jan. 24, 2013 at 7:54 AM