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RIP Clayton (WARNING,could be a little graphic for some)

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For any of you that are in my group in Love and Marriage you already know some of this. Pretty much i'm writing this to get my words out before i go insane,that and i need as much support as i van get right now. Also if their are any mons who have lost a child it would help me to maybe have some questions answered.I do want to apologize in advance this is going to be hard to write so i know i will make mistake.

On Jan 14 at 7:40 PM my son who had just turned 18 in November went for a bike ride with two of his friends from the group home he was living in. One of them chose to ride ahead to the market while my son and rode on a bike and his friend walked behind him with a flashlight. They were on highway 299 in Redding Ca. A man came around a small curve and hit the rear tire on Claytons bike.He flew off the bike the back part of his head went through the passenggar side windshield.( According to detective,it crushed his skull) Then he flew about 100 feet hitting the ground cutting the right side of his face. I was told he died instantltyl

According to the home he was having a very good day and was the happiest he had been in a long time.Which is saying a lot because he's been doing very well for the last 3 months.But he had so much to look forward to. For instance his siste had finally gotten over his shyness and was going to voice chat with him the Thursday after he died. We were going to be moving to OK in Sept or Oct. and his alta regional worker and i had just recently started looking for a group home in OK by us. My cat is going to be delivering kittied in a few days and he was looking forward to seeing the kittens. Weather was warming up which meant he was going to be going to his favorite lakes again. He was so happy. In a way that makes it a little easier knowing he died happy and he died instantly.

We got to say our final goodbyes on the 18th. I really didn't want to see him but his sister really needed to. And thankfully the place he was cared for after he died did a good job. We couldn't tell part of the back of his head was gone and the cut i was told was very big on the right side of his face i didn't see at all. Infortunally he had inherited TMJ issues from me so his jaw was locked opened and the funeral home couldn't get his mouth to shut. That was hard to see. Cause ,as my daughter brought to my attention, it looked like he died screaming. But i don't think that was the case. He was hit from behind i don't think in that split second and because of his brain problems he was born with, i don't think it would have registered in time.

On the 19th the group home he's been at for a little over 4 years threw his memorial. When i walked in i was shocked by the amount of people their to mourn my son. Their were about 50 seats and another 20 standing. He as so blessed to have had so many people love him. I just wish he was still here to feel all that love.I regret having to place him in a group home now. It's 6 years i will never get back. Deep down i know i did the best thing for him because of his disibilities but i can't stop thinking if i would have just went through it for 6 more years.Yet at the same time i know he was happy there and i wasn't equipped to care for him due to his strength.

Igot almost alll hs stuff home and today i actually have to go through it. WOW not looking forward to that. We went through it a little before we left.We wanted to make sure every child in the school that loved him had something from their friend who the clamied as their brother.WHich makes me so happy knowing the felt that way.

Oh i can't remember if i had mentioned this or not,in Love and Marriage, but for over a year Clayton would keep telling me he had things he wanted to send my daughter and i and i had been begging for pictures. Well 3 weeks ago a box finally arrived. It had pics and two stuffed animals in it. When we had our Skype call i told him he got it. He asked if I got my teddy bear and he described it to me. I told him no and he started getting very upset. I was scared he would get so upset that he would go AWOL again.So i tried to calm him down telling him he had plenty of time to find. Well he hadn't found it in those 3 days before he was hit. But by the time i got there the staff had found it.Well them. It's a small set of teddy bears. Two brown bears. A mom holding a cub and on one of the feet it says i love mom. I can't bring myself to put it down. I know he would be so happy knowing they got it to me. And knowing my son held and touched it helps to.I know that may be silly, i just don't know how to explain needing to having it in my hands or right by me at all times. Geez i don't know how to explain any of my feelings right now.SO many times i have heard parents saying they expect ther child to walk in the door after they have died. Untill now i just couldn't understood why they just didn't realize their child was dead. Now i do. I keep wanteding to pick up the phone or log onto Skype and talk/see my son but i can't. How am i supposed to feel about that? How am i supposed to survive knowing i will never get one of his bear huugs again. I mean my son could break a bone giving someone a hug. We would have to tell him ,not so hard. Now i wish i culd say harder .To the people in Love and Marriage thank you for the support the last six day.

by on Jan. 24, 2013 at 5:59 PM
Replies (21-30):
by on Jan. 27, 2013 at 6:41 PM
1 mom liked this

My sympathy for the loss of your son Clayton. I understand that you are simply overcome by conflicting emotions but it seems to me, reading what you have written, that you helped to provide Clayton with a high quality of life and that he knew that he was loved. There are many people, both those who must face special challenges and those who do not, who will never have that much in their life.

I think that the little bear is there with you to let you know that Clayton's love will always be with you and to reassure you that he was finding happiness in his life and wanted to share both his love and the happiness in his life with you.

May Clayton's memory be a blessing to all who knew and loved him. May you all come to a place of peace and acceptance in the fullness of time. Please know that my thoughts are with you.

by on Jan. 27, 2013 at 6:51 PM

I am so sorry for your loss.    

by Silver Member on Jan. 27, 2013 at 7:06 PM
I read your story in another group :( hugs momma
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by on Jan. 27, 2013 at 9:33 PM

OMG, I just realized that happened not too far from where I live. I recall seeing something in the headlines about a boy killed in an accident, but I haven't paid too close attention to the news lately. I am so sorry. It seems we have problems with pedestrians in our area, not with the pedestrians but with people not watching for them. There is a local group working to make our streets safer, but in the mean time walkers and bikers need to be so vigilent.  I'm so sorry, again, for your loss. I'm sure our town lost a bright light that night.

by on Jan. 27, 2013 at 9:51 PM

Oh wow im so very sorry. Nothing could be worse than a situation like this, it is truly my worst nightmare. Thinking back to every opportunity and every moment that led up to this tragic event must be a feeling of great despair. Reading your story really brought a tear to my eye. is that him in the pic? he is a very handsome boy indeed.

by on Jan. 27, 2013 at 9:56 PM
I'm not a member of this group but I just read your post about your son Clayton. I am so sorry for your loss....they say it is so hard for a parent to lose a child and I just can only imagine what you are going thru.

Have comfort in knowing that he was out enjoying the evening with friends on a journey together....I agree that based on the accident that he died instantly and was in no pain. As for him having lick jaw and it seeming odd at his layout rather than think of him screaming I would believe that he was talking or singing in happiness. (smile)

YOU are a good Mom. Whatever his disabilities and circumstances you loved him so much to get him where he needed to is hard for parents when it comes to doing what is best....

Please find someone or somewhere to get some counseling.....maybe it would be possible to start some type of memorial or awareness in his honor to help people be aware of pedestrians like another poster mentioned was a dangerous problem in your area......this is just so sad and my heart breaks for you. Not sure if you are religious but maybe that would be something to help you....

Cherish that bear as it was very important that he get it to you!!!! May God bless and comfort you..

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by on Jan. 27, 2013 at 10:43 PM

I am so sorry for your loss hugs

by on Jan. 27, 2013 at 10:50 PM
I know it probably doesn't make things a lot better but I'm glad you shared your story with us, makes me wanna hug my boys a little harder. :) I'm sorry your son is gone. :( Hugs to you.
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by on Jan. 27, 2013 at 10:55 PM
I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family at this time.
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by on Jan. 27, 2013 at 11:54 PM
Quoting maria1613:

I read your post in the other group and I can't help but cry for you. I'm so sorry for your loss. I've never experienced anything like this but if you need or want to talk feel free to pm me. I'm a good listener. Best wishes to you and your family during this hard time

I am so heartbroken. I will keep you in my prayers.
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