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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

How does a non confrontational person and a confrontational person live together?

Posted by on Jan. 27, 2013 at 12:29 AM
  • 8 Replies

My husband is a non confrontational person to the point that he goes out of his way to make other people outside our household happy and doesn't give a rats a** how it makes me feel and I am a confrontational person I guess you would say. I tell it like it is to my husband and anyone else..I have ALWAYS told it like it was and I know and I have said this 1000 times that it is NOT always a good thing to do. How do we survive and come to a happy medium? We are driving each other up the wall. We have been together 16 yrs but it wasn't like this for the first 5 years. He use to not only stand up for himself but for his family as well. He now talks about people behind their back but acts like their best friend in front of their face. Or tells me one thing and does totally the opposite.
by on Jan. 27, 2013 at 12:29 AM
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Replies (1-8):
MagicTemptation
by Christina on Jan. 27, 2013 at 11:23 AM
1 mom liked this

Our situation doesnt sound exactly like yours. However he is anti-confrontational to the point he recluses and doesn't say anything. He doesn't bring issues up, if he makes a decision and he thinks I wont like it, he just doesn't tell me. If we argue, he does what he can to avoid it. This isn't just with me, but with EVERYONE! If someone wants him to do something, he does it despite how it makes him feel bc he is afraid of arguements and feeling rejected.

I on the other hand, if there is an issue, I am quick to bring it up, and willing to fight tooth and nail to get it resolved as quickly as possible. If someone has done something wrong, I call them out on it. (I also admit my faults as well).  Anytime there is an issue, say with a bill, or having to contact customer support to fix something, I always have to handle it because he won't.

Needless to say, this has caused alot of issues between us. I feel like if he won't talk about an issue, than it must not be important to him. I have to remember his personality and mine isn't the same. He has to remember that if something comes up he NEEDS to tell me, not hide it. It is the hiding part that angers me. I can respect difference of opinion on something, but I don't tolerant feeling left out by my spouse.

OUR SOLUTION: When we have an arguement, disagreement, bad feelings etc.... We have a worksheet that we fill out. 3 Simple questions.

What do I think the issue is?

What do I think my spouse feels the issue is?

What am I willing to give/do to help solve the issue?

We even have a playlist of 4 love songs (2 he chose and 2 I chose) that we feel fit our relationship. We listen to it as we do our worksheet and just take time to think and calm down. He aren't allowed to talk to each other until the worksheet is complete and the playlist is over.

Then we try again, the worksheet is to help us see each others point of view. It is a good way to see if there is miscommunication. Maybe I am not understanding the way he is telling me something and I perceive it to be different. You know?

furbabymum
by Gold Member on Jan. 27, 2013 at 11:47 AM

Hmm well ours isn't quite like that. I'm the confrontational person and my DH isn't. He supports me when the confrontation involves his family but otherwise he just stays out of things and lets me handle them.

ReadWriteLuv
by Casey on Jan. 27, 2013 at 11:51 AM

I'm the confrontational one in every aspect of my life except in my marriage. My husband is the opposite. I'm the one who has to handle any business details, deal with contractors, get work done, close deals, deal with bill companies, that is always me. Once we step foot into the house though, it's like everything changes. I avoid confrontation with my husband at almost all costs. I prefer to just walk away and remove myself from the situation with him after he reaches a certain level.

kaitybird
by on Jan. 27, 2013 at 4:44 PM

For us it balances us out.  We can be both when the situation warrants.  It is something that you and your husband are going to have to sit down and talk about.  If you 2 can't be honest and up front then you are going to keep driving each other up that wall!  

Serenity7
by Platinum Member on Jan. 27, 2013 at 5:18 PM

 You can only control yourself. You can not control your husband

AmyL3469
by on Jan. 27, 2013 at 7:37 PM

We're the same way. I'm tell it like it is and don't fuck with me and mine, and he's happy go lucky. We're just used to each other. I handle what I do, and he what he does. I don't know how we make it work, but it works for us. 

mrs.hartman12
by on Jan. 27, 2013 at 7:45 PM
It works for us. I need my dh or I would be walked on all the time!
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Araina
by on Jan. 27, 2013 at 7:49 PM

Well, I am a NON confrontational person. It has caused me so much frustration and built up hostility..not to mention getting run right over! I think it's a GOOD thing in moderation to be able to be confrontational. My husband says what he thinks too & I won't lie, it does hurt my feelings at times. Unfortunately, he can't seem to take anything CLOSE to what he dishes out. I wish I knew the answers...but, I know divorce is not the solution. There has to be some type of happy/medium....I try to sprinkle my marriage with a lot of patience and TRY to not take things personally.

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