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Porn UPDATE at bottom of post

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So, DH and I both have iPhones with iCloud. We use the same e-mail address because it's easier to keep track if he buys something from iTunes. I handle the checkbook. He showed me the other day that our phones have the same bookmarks in safari. I thought that was weird, but no biggy. I noticed in our bookmarks, there is a tab called iCloud Tabs. I didn't know what it was so I opened it and it shows all teh web pages open on all our devices. Well, it showed me what was open on his phone and I saw one page said, "Mature Photos". I almost ignored it because it didn't register with me as anything offensive. I went ahead and opened the page anyway and it was porn... lots of porn. My husband had a safari page open of porn. I calmly and quietly asked him to come with me to the bathroom as to not discuss it around the kids. I asked him what it was about and he got really defensive and said someone must have hacked our wifi. I gave him one last ounce of trust and got on our computer. It is still a locked wifi and besides that, the signal ends as soon as you exit the driveway. I told him, "It says it is open on your phone. I know you were looking at it. Don't lie to me." I don't remember exact words, but I stayed quiet and calm. I didn't want the kids to hear or get worried. After a long talk, he admited that he was looking at it about a week ago and has on and off (seldom, he says) our whole marriage. Now, I understand that some of you may think it's not a big deal; that all men do it, but that's not how I feel. Not once have I ever thought to look at porn since I've been with him. Not once. I feel hurt. I feel betrayed. I feel as though I have been cheated on. He looked at other women naked. I'm not okay with that. I told him, if he wants to see all that, he can look at me. There is nothing they have that I don't. I also told him, I gave birth to his children. I take care of them and him and our dogs. I asked him a lot of questions like when would he look at this stuff. And I could just smack myself because he is always on his phone and he doesn't have games on it... facebook is not that interesting. I should have known something was up. I believe him when he says that it is seldom... well, I WANT to believe him. I'm really depressed about all of this. He asked me what he could do to make it up to me. I told him if I told him what to do, that is like me writing out school work answers and just have him copy them down. I can't do his work. I just don't know what to tell him anymore. Obviously, I'm not leaving him. I believe in fixing things first. I'm just really hurt. He says it won't happen again. I'd like to believe that, but when we first got married, this happened... when I was pregnant and he said the same. He says he is sorry, but I feel he is only sorry he got caught. I'm sure I made him feel like shit about it and he feels guilty, but I also think if he hadn't gotten caught, he would have just kept it going.


I don't want to fight about it every day. It has pretty much seen all it can. However, if I just act normal, he's going to think I got over it and he got away with it. It's not like I expect him to watlz in here with something that will make me feel all better. I would just like him to make an effort to prove that he is worthy of my trust. BTW, if it happens again, as sad as I will be, I will leave him. A third time would be conformation that he loves to look at others more than me.


I just needed someone to talk to about this.  I can't talk about it to people in real life.  It's too personal.



UPDATE: Perhaps I posted this too quickly. I just wanted to let everyone know, DH and I had another talk again tonight and I really do feel a lot better. I explained exactly how I feel. I should be the one that makes him hard. He took that away from me and gave it to these skanks in the pictures. I really think it helped to explain my feelings. I feel a lot better. We had some rough moments tonight. I actually dropped my dinner plate and my food dumped on the floor. I just broke down, cried a lot. It felt good to just get it out. Long story short, DH split his plate in half and the right words were said and I think we are going to work out. Thanks for listening. I think typing it out helped.
by on Jan. 28, 2013 at 8:56 PM
Replies (11-20):
pittawadda
by on Jan. 28, 2013 at 9:32 PM

My DH is in the army and deployed or gone for long periods sometimes. I don't care if he looks at porn deployed or away. I look at porn. We know this. It's fine for us. 

I completely understand and am okay with it NOT being fine for some. 

And like she said, it's open and honest and we rarely look at it when we are together. 

To me, it's the sneaking around that is more hurtful.


Quoting StrawberryCool:

No its not entertainmemt for married men.


Quoting No1knows:

I'm ok if my man looks at porn. It's just entertainment. I'd rather know than think he is sneaking around hiding things from me. We look at porn together sometimes but if he does it on his own its really no big deal at all. I think denying a man visual freedom is unrealistic and just asking to push him away. Think about why you feel so uncomfortable. Does it make you insecure? Porn is fantasy. Fantasy is fun.




StrawberryCool
by on Jan. 28, 2013 at 9:42 PM
Even if my husband was deployed I wouldnt allow it.

They are allowed pics and etc....and id have no issue with sending them to him.

And cant tell me they dont have those kinds of pictures.


Quoting pittawadda:

My DH is in the army and deployed or gone for long periods sometimes. I don't care if he looks at porn deployed or away. I look at porn. We know this. It's fine for us. 

I completely understand and am okay with it NOT being fine for some. 

And like she said, it's open and honest and we rarely look at it when we are together. 

To me, it's the sneaking around that is more hurtful.



Quoting StrawberryCool:

No its not entertainmemt for married men.





Quoting No1knows:

I'm ok if my man looks at porn. It's just entertainment. I'd rather know than think he is sneaking around hiding things from me. We look at porn together sometimes but if he does it on his own its really no big deal at all. I think denying a man visual freedom is unrealistic and just asking to push him away. Think about why you feel so uncomfortable. Does it make you insecure? Porn is fantasy. Fantasy is fun.







Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
pittawadda
by on Jan. 28, 2013 at 9:53 PM

I'm not sure what you mean by this part. So you mean that they aren't allowed certain things when deployed? They do have certain regs but it's very easy to get around that. But my husband doesn't really look that much anyway. We talk about it while he gone. IMO it's healthy to do so. I'd say it's a once every 2-3 month thing. 

I mean I read a lot while he gone and sometimes I read random romance type books that are like porn without visuals. IMO it's almost the same thing. 

IT really varies marriage to marriage. Porn is not a huge deal in our marriage but I have heard a lot of people that it has ruined marriages or have had some serious issues with it. I don't care if my husband looks at it. However, he RARELY if ever does. That being said, I'd say he looks at only if he is gone from home for a long time, like a year in extreme stress. BUT again, depending on the marriage and whatever else is underlying in the marriage is different for everyone. 


Quoting StrawberryCool:


Even if my husband was deployed I wouldnt allow it.

They are allowed pics and etc....and id have no issue with sending them to him.

And cant tell me they dont have those kinds of pictures.


Quoting pittawadda:

My DH is in the army and deployed or gone for long periods sometimes. I don't care if he looks at porn deployed or away. I look at porn. We know this. It's fine for us. 

I completely understand and am okay with it NOT being fine for some. 

And like she said, it's open and honest and we rarely look at it when we are together. 

To me, it's the sneaking around that is more hurtful.



Quoting StrawberryCool:

No its not entertainmemt for married men.





Quoting No1knows:

I'm ok if my man looks at porn. It's just entertainment. I'd rather know than think he is sneaking around hiding things from me. We look at porn together sometimes but if he does it on his own its really no big deal at all. I think denying a man visual freedom is unrealistic and just asking to push him away. Think about why you feel so uncomfortable. Does it make you insecure? Porn is fantasy. Fantasy is fun.









StrawberryCool
by on Jan. 28, 2013 at 9:55 PM
That you know of.

He could be telling you that he rarely looks.


Quoting pittawadda:

I'm not sure what you mean by this part. So you mean that they aren't allowed certain things when deployed? They do have certain regs but it's very easy to get around that. But my husband doesn't really look that much anyway. We talk about it while he gone. IMO it's healthy to do so. I'd say it's a once every 2-3 month thing. 

I mean I read a lot while he gone and sometimes I read random romance type books that are like porn without visuals. IMO it's almost the same thing. 

IT really varies marriage to marriage. Porn is not a huge deal in our marriage but I have heard a lot of people that it has ruined marriages or have had some serious issues with it. I don't care if my husband looks at it. However, he RARELY if ever does. That being said, I'd say he looks at only if he is gone from home for a long time, like a year in extreme stress. BUT again, depending on the marriage and whatever else is underlying in the marriage is different for everyone. 


Quoting StrawberryCool:


Even if my husband was deployed I wouldnt allow it.



They are allowed pics and etc....and id have no issue with sending them to him.



And cant tell me they dont have those kinds of pictures.






Quoting pittawadda:

My DH is in the army and deployed or gone for long periods sometimes. I don't care if he looks at porn deployed or away. I look at porn. We know this. It's fine for us. 

I completely understand and am okay with it NOT being fine for some. 

And like she said, it's open and honest and we rarely look at it when we are together. 

To me, it's the sneaking around that is more hurtful.




Quoting StrawberryCool:

No its not entertainmemt for married men.








Quoting No1knows:

I'm ok if my man looks at porn. It's just entertainment. I'd rather know than think he is sneaking around hiding things from me. We look at porn together sometimes but if he does it on his own its really no big deal at all. I think denying a man visual freedom is unrealistic and just asking to push him away. Think about why you feel so uncomfortable. Does it make you insecure? Porn is fantasy. Fantasy is fun.














Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
pittawadda
by on Jan. 28, 2013 at 9:55 PM

But again, the main theme it seems in these kind of situations is the sneakiness and lying and THAT is DEFINATLY NOT okay.


Quoting StrawberryCool:

Even if my husband was deployed I wouldnt allow it.

They are allowed pics and etc....and id have no issue with sending them to him.

And cant tell me they dont have those kinds of pictures.


Quoting pittawadda:

My DH is in the army and deployed or gone for long periods sometimes. I don't care if he looks at porn deployed or away. I look at porn. We know this. It's fine for us. 

I completely understand and am okay with it NOT being fine for some. 

And like she said, it's open and honest and we rarely look at it when we are together. 

To me, it's the sneaking around that is more hurtful.



Quoting StrawberryCool:

No its not entertainmemt for married men.





Quoting No1knows:

I'm ok if my man looks at porn. It's just entertainment. I'd rather know than think he is sneaking around hiding things from me. We look at porn together sometimes but if he does it on his own its really no big deal at all. I think denying a man visual freedom is unrealistic and just asking to push him away. Think about why you feel so uncomfortable. Does it make you insecure? Porn is fantasy. Fantasy is fun.









pittawadda
by on Jan. 28, 2013 at 9:56 PM

YOu really want to this on the internet? You want to get into telling me I don't know my husband?

I don't care if he looks at porn every night while he is gone. I really don't.

I know while he his home he doesn't. He is busy with our family and isn't on the computer. 


Quoting StrawberryCool:

That you know of.

He could be telling you that he rarely looks.


Quoting pittawadda:

I'm not sure what you mean by this part. So you mean that they aren't allowed certain things when deployed? They do have certain regs but it's very easy to get around that. But my husband doesn't really look that much anyway. We talk about it while he gone. IMO it's healthy to do so. I'd say it's a once every 2-3 month thing. 

I mean I read a lot while he gone and sometimes I read random romance type books that are like porn without visuals. IMO it's almost the same thing. 

IT really varies marriage to marriage. Porn is not a huge deal in our marriage but I have heard a lot of people that it has ruined marriages or have had some serious issues with it. I don't care if my husband looks at it. However, he RARELY if ever does. That being said, I'd say he looks at only if he is gone from home for a long time, like a year in extreme stress. BUT again, depending on the marriage and whatever else is underlying in the marriage is different for everyone. 


Quoting StrawberryCool:


Even if my husband was deployed I wouldnt allow it.



They are allowed pics and etc....and id have no issue with sending them to him.



And cant tell me they dont have those kinds of pictures.






Quoting pittawadda:

My DH is in the army and deployed or gone for long periods sometimes. I don't care if he looks at porn deployed or away. I look at porn. We know this. It's fine for us. 

I completely understand and am okay with it NOT being fine for some. 

And like she said, it's open and honest and we rarely look at it when we are together. 

To me, it's the sneaking around that is more hurtful.




Quoting StrawberryCool:

No its not entertainmemt for married men.








Quoting No1knows:

I'm ok if my man looks at porn. It's just entertainment. I'd rather know than think he is sneaking around hiding things from me. We look at porn together sometimes but if he does it on his own its really no big deal at all. I think denying a man visual freedom is unrealistic and just asking to push him away. Think about why you feel so uncomfortable. Does it make you insecure? Porn is fantasy. Fantasy is fun.
















StrawberryCool
by on Jan. 28, 2013 at 9:59 PM
Okay.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
la_bella_vita
by Bella on Jan. 28, 2013 at 10:35 PM

 In marriage, porn should be something that is discussed and both couples agree on.

Porn does not bother me unless it was watched in excess.

MMerrill
by Melissa on Jan. 28, 2013 at 11:03 PM

This!  Porn has no place in MY marriage though.  Once in a VERY blue moon, I wouldn't be too mad over it, but my husband sure as hell better be honest about it.  If my husband watched it all the time and on top of that lied about it, I would be hurt and disgusted.  Men can be pigs.  I completely understand that you would be hurt by it, especially the lying.  You guys really need to talk about it and be open and if he's going to be the type of man that wants to look at it all the time, tell him he needs to at least be real and honest with you about it.

Quoting la_bella_vita:

 In marriage, porn should be something that is discussed and both couples agree on.



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Mari6443
by Silver Member on Jan. 28, 2013 at 11:17 PM
I totally agree with you. It's not entertainment and it is disrespectful. I know what it's like. My DH has been caught up in it for years now. HUGS!!


Quoting StrawberryCool:

No its not entertainmemt for married men.




Quoting No1knows:

I'm ok if my man looks at porn. It's just entertainment. I'd rather know than think he is sneaking around hiding things from me. We look at porn together sometimes but if he does it on his own its really no big deal at all. I think denying a man visual freedom is unrealistic and just asking to push him away. Think about why you feel so uncomfortable. Does it make you insecure? Porn is fantasy. Fantasy is fun.



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