So, DH and I both have iPhones with iCloud. We use the same e-mail address because it's easier to keep track if he buys something from iTunes. I handle the checkbook. He showed me the other day that our phones have the same bookmarks in safari. I thought that was weird, but no biggy. I noticed in our bookmarks, there is a tab called iCloud Tabs. I didn't know what it was so I opened it and it shows all teh web pages open on all our devices. Well, it showed me what was open on his phone and I saw one page said, "Mature Photos". I almost ignored it because it didn't register with me as anything offensive. I went ahead and opened the page anyway and it was porn... lots of porn. My husband had a safari page open of porn. I calmly and quietly asked him to come with me to the bathroom as to not discuss it around the kids. I asked him what it was about and he got really defensive and said someone must have hacked our wifi. I gave him one last ounce of trust and got on our computer. It is still a locked wifi and besides that, the signal ends as soon as you exit the driveway. I told him, "It says it is open on your phone. I know you were looking at it. Don't lie to me." I don't remember exact words, but I stayed quiet and calm. I didn't want the kids to hear or get worried. After a long talk, he admited that he was looking at it about a week ago and has on and off (seldom, he says) our whole marriage. Now, I understand that some of you may think it's not a big deal; that all men do it, but that's not how I feel. Not once have I ever thought to look at porn since I've been with him. Not once. I feel hurt. I feel betrayed. I feel as though I have been cheated on. He looked at other women naked. I'm not okay with that. I told him, if he wants to see all that, he can look at me. There is nothing they have that I don't. I also told him, I gave birth to his children. I take care of them and him and our dogs. I asked him a lot of questions like when would he look at this stuff. And I could just smack myself because he is always on his phone and he doesn't have games on it... facebook is not that interesting. I should have known something was up. I believe him when he says that it is seldom... well, I WANT to believe him. I'm really depressed about all of this. He asked me what he could do to make it up to me. I told him if I told him what to do, that is like me writing out school work answers and just have him copy them down. I can't do his work. I just don't know what to tell him anymore. Obviously, I'm not leaving him. I believe in fixing things first. I'm just really hurt. He says it won't happen again. I'd like to believe that, but when we first got married, this happened... when I was pregnant and he said the same. He says he is sorry, but I feel he is only sorry he got caught. I'm sure I made him feel like shit about it and he feels guilty, but I also think if he hadn't gotten caught, he would have just kept it going.
I don't want to fight about it every day. It has pretty much seen all it can. However, if I just act normal, he's going to think I got over it and he got away with it. It's not like I expect him to watlz in here with something that will make me feel all better. I would just like him to make an effort to prove that he is worthy of my trust. BTW, if it happens again, as sad as I will be, I will leave him. A third time would be conformation that he loves to look at others more than me.
I just needed someone to talk to about this. I can't talk about it to people in real life. It's too personal.
UPDATE: Perhaps I posted this too quickly. I just wanted to let everyone know, DH and I had another talk again tonight and I really do feel a lot better. I explained exactly how I feel. I should be the one that makes him hard. He took that away from me and gave it to these skanks in the pictures. I really think it helped to explain my feelings. I feel a lot better. We had some rough moments tonight. I actually dropped my dinner plate and my food dumped on the floor. I just broke down, cried a lot. It felt good to just get it out. Long story short, DH split his plate in half and the right words were said and I think we are going to work out. Thanks for listening. I think typing it out helped.