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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

Once an emotional cheater, always a cheater?

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Hi,

My name is Kat and i'm new to this group. I have been married for 13 yrs to a wonderful trustworthy man, and we have two amazing boys ages 10 and 5. That was until December 6th of last year. My mom had just left that morning after a 3 week visit, my husband left for work, took my kids to school when my best friend calls me and asks me to come over. Once over there, she sits me down and starts crying and tells me that she found some email exchanges between my husband and her daughter-in-law (who is 20 and has a 1 year old son and lives with her since her husband is in the navy)

The meails lasted 2 weeks, my husband pretty much tells her how beautiful and amazing she is, how wonderful it would be to kiss her, at one point she asks if he would regret cheating on me and he says "no i don't think i would" he tells her he's had a "crush" on her for the last 3 months etc...etc...etc...

The good news is, nothing sexual or even kissing happened between them, there was no texting on cell phones (i was shown the proof of that) and no meeting...But basically he was having an emotional affair or crush with someone else.

Since then, my life was torn apart. He owned up to it immediately, of course begged for forgiveness, and a second chance, asked if we could go to marriage counseling together. Eventually I agreed, i figured after 13 yrs and 2 kids, i owed it to us to try and save this. We've been doing mostly good, therapy has helped immensely, but then i'll have those days like today, where all i do is think about what he said to her, his words are imprinted in my memory, and it hurts all over again. 

My question is if any of you have gone through this before how long before the hurt, the pain and the words stop haunting you? How long before the trust is back? Does it ever come back? 

Those emails between them actually opened up a can of worm and we found out a whole bunch of other email between that girl my husband was emailing and another man she was also emailing and actually having sexual explicit conversations with. She even mentions my husband in there and says how she's playing with him and finds him ugly and is just flirting with him to mess with him etc...So part of me feels relieved to know that my dumb ass husband technically felt to her prey. She was playing him all along, and he fell for it like an idiot, but of course i can't help but think about what if it happens again?

We have a good marriage, we have sex a lot, we don't fight...I have no idea how this happened right in front of my eyes but I never saw it...

Anyways, i'd love to hear from other people who've shared a similar story....

by on Jan. 29, 2013 at 1:35 PM
Replies (11-20):
GELiz
by on Jan. 29, 2013 at 5:28 PM
1 mom liked this

I think it will never really go away, but you can forgive and move on. I think you will be more watchfull and perhaps he will be more careful. Boy, I'm so sorry. But it is good he didn't  go all the way.

A LOOONg time ago, I had a crush on someone other than my husband. I ran from all contact as soon as I could, and I am now very careful about how I allow myself to think of another guy. So I think it can be redeemed.

disnchntdwife
by on Jan. 29, 2013 at 5:28 PM
1 mom liked this
I wish you strength, understanding and the ability to forgive should you decide to fight for this marriage. Indeed it can be saved and you 2 can go on to enjoy a long and blissful union. Accept that this happened (while being thankful it didn't go farther than it did) and move to change things to be sure it doesn't happen again. It will take work. To truely forgive him you will need to try and be him in this situation. If you had made the same mistake, wouldn't you want him to forgive you and move past this? If you don't think you can forgive him, I suggest saving everyone the agony and ask him to leave now. Endless love and happiness to you friend.
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furbabymum
by Gold Member on Jan. 29, 2013 at 5:37 PM

 I kept them for a long time but I did eventually give them to him and told him that I 100% forgave and was moving on. Took a fair amount of counseling for me though.

Quoting jdwilson864:

You sound like me,I have a printed copy I keep even though I can remember word for word what was said.

Quoting furbabymum:

 Things can be fixed once you figure out the reasons he was doing it. My DH wrote some horrid emails that I'll never forget. It's been 4 years and I can still remember one of them word for word. It doesn't hurt anymore though. I've moved on. He's sought help. We are stronger than ever. Took me about a year though. A year to start trusting him and probably another 6 months before I was ready to give him the printed email copies and completely let go.

 

CharlotteRose
by Charlotte on Jan. 29, 2013 at 7:06 PM

i have been through it b4 mine was on FB private IMing btw his ex gf and they would post comments to each other openly on their pages and he would tell me that they are just friends and to get over it.  i still to this day know word by word and what comment was left under what pic etc..... that was over 2.5 years ago, we no longer have FB and we have had extensive counseling too i have good days and bad days 2.  we are only human and we are allowed to feel heart and humiliated....PM if you want to talk 

jdwilson864
by Member on Jan. 29, 2013 at 7:46 PM
I just can't get past the things he said to her. He should have been saying them to me and wanting me like he did her at that time. I can say though she started it and he just feel in to it. That's the only reason I'm trying to forgive and forget..

Quoting furbabymum:

 I kept them for a long time but I did eventually give them to him and told him that I 100% forgave and was moving on. Took a fair amount of counseling for me though.


Quoting jdwilson864:

You sound like me,I have a printed copy I keep even though I can remember word for word what was said.


Quoting furbabymum:


 Things can be fixed once you figure out the reasons he was doing it. My DH wrote some horrid emails that I'll never forget. It's been 4 years and I can still remember one of them word for word. It doesn't hurt anymore though. I've moved on. He's sought help. We are stronger than ever. Took me about a year though. A year to start trusting him and probably another 6 months before I was ready to give him the printed email copies and completely let go.


 

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Kat2619
by on Jan. 29, 2013 at 11:50 PM
Thanks guys! He said the reason he did it is because he felt bad about himself and her flirting made him feel wanted and attractive. I so want to believe it. He's genuinely distraught over what he did but like you guys mentioned, i feel haunted by his words! I shredded the printed email conversation because i didn't want to revisit it all the time, as it was more and more hurtful each time but it's imprinted in my memory and i fear that if i can't forget, how can i forgive?
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USMCwife0530
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 12:36 AM
Oh boy, where do I begin? ::sigh:: well, it was about 4.5 years ago when DH had his first emotional affair. It was with a girl from high school. He confided in her about our personal problems, & I mean PERSONAL problems. When I found out what he was doing, he tried justifying it by saying "But she's like a sister to me. She was my best friend in hs." Blah blah. Oh, and she just so happened to be going through a divorce, so that was definitely a recipe for disaster. After a while, he finally agreed to counseling. We were ok for a while. Then he did it again earlier this month (I found out the night of my birthday.) he was messaging a girl on FB (they shared a mutual friend) I read some of his messages to her and he had told her how it was her ex-DH loss for leaving her, & how she's was beautiful she shouldn't have trouble looking for another guy, among other personal stuff. It hit me like a ton of bricks. It still hurts. There's a lot of other details that I've left off because frankly, it hurts to talk about them. We're currently working through the obstacles but like its been said, it's so hard to forget. It's always in the back of my mind. I chose to forgive him but he knows he's gotta earn my trust again. I know how you feel. I wish it's gets better for you. ((HUGS))
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Lovejjb
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 12:42 AM
Been through that its hard to forget the damage has been done and it can't be erased from your heart or mind yes work things out if youu really want to be whit this person and have your family together because Its not our kids fault of or mistakes. the only thing i can say is to really try hard to trust again i have barley one year whit this and its not quite easy
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Corina1987
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 12:43 AM
Im sorry this happened to you. Once I lost trust in my ex, I never got it back. It seemed like he kept making the same mistakes over and over even though he cried for me to stay each time. I wasnt perfect either and our lack of trust for each other and lack of true commitment was our down fall. It felt amazing to start fresh with a good guy and Im happy I moved on. I know your pain. I wish you the best.
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akLiLmama907
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 4:00 AM

this is almost exactly what we went through. I agree 100%…

my husband still has his days when I know he's hurting. But I bend over backwards trying to earn his trust back. Our marriage has been amazing since he found out about my emotional affair, we've been together over 10 years, we have 2 children, and we are willing to work hard, communicate and do whatever it takes to make sure that mistake never happens again. it has also been almost a year since he found out, and although our marriage has improved, sex is amazing now and my husband realized he needed to give me more emotionally. We still have bad days and all I can do is listen to him when he wants to talk about it, let him cry, and show him everyday how much a love him and want his trust again. He knows all passwords to everything and I don't care if he checks them as I having nothing to hide. I will do whatever it takes to make it up to him.

I made a mistake and I don't expect him to forget, but he has forgiven me and that's more than I deserve.


Quoting sydjademom24:

Ive delt with this in my marriage, and first and foremost I will say there is no excuse for cheating. Emotional, physical, or otherwise. Not I was lonely, they wernt paying attention to me...yes there can be reasons people do things, but never excuses. My reasoning for starting to chat with other guys online is because I was lonely. My husband worked from 6am to 8pm 7 days a week for 2 years. We were so disconnected. And even he will tell you that I asked him many times in those 2 years to slow down and spend some time with me. And he just didnt. Obviously my decision to go seek attention elsewhere was very stupid and hurtful to him, it turned out to be a good thing. Weve done counseling, weve started date night. Hes only working 60 hours a week now, no Sundays. Yes, it took awhile to rebuild trust. Checking email, facebook, text. But after 4-5 times of him seeing there was nothing there to find, us talking about why this happened...things were fine again. Weve been married 10 years and this happened over a year ago. In the first year of our marriage we delt with a cheating issue also, but it was forgiven as well. If you are 100% commited to making things work anything is possible. People can change. The whole saying once a cheater always a cheater isnt true. Anything is possible if both people are willing to work on it.


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