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Once an emotional cheater, always a cheater?

Posted by on Jan. 29, 2013 at 1:35 PM
  • 21 Replies

Hi,

My name is Kat and i'm new to this group. I have been married for 13 yrs to a wonderful trustworthy man, and we have two amazing boys ages 10 and 5. That was until December 6th of last year. My mom had just left that morning after a 3 week visit, my husband left for work, took my kids to school when my best friend calls me and asks me to come over. Once over there, she sits me down and starts crying and tells me that she found some email exchanges between my husband and her daughter-in-law (who is 20 and has a 1 year old son and lives with her since her husband is in the navy)

The meails lasted 2 weeks, my husband pretty much tells her how beautiful and amazing she is, how wonderful it would be to kiss her, at one point she asks if he would regret cheating on me and he says "no i don't think i would" he tells her he's had a "crush" on her for the last 3 months etc...etc...etc...

The good news is, nothing sexual or even kissing happened between them, there was no texting on cell phones (i was shown the proof of that) and no meeting...But basically he was having an emotional affair or crush with someone else.

Since then, my life was torn apart. He owned up to it immediately, of course begged for forgiveness, and a second chance, asked if we could go to marriage counseling together. Eventually I agreed, i figured after 13 yrs and 2 kids, i owed it to us to try and save this. We've been doing mostly good, therapy has helped immensely, but then i'll have those days like today, where all i do is think about what he said to her, his words are imprinted in my memory, and it hurts all over again. 

My question is if any of you have gone through this before how long before the hurt, the pain and the words stop haunting you? How long before the trust is back? Does it ever come back? 

Those emails between them actually opened up a can of worm and we found out a whole bunch of other email between that girl my husband was emailing and another man she was also emailing and actually having sexual explicit conversations with. She even mentions my husband in there and says how she's playing with him and finds him ugly and is just flirting with him to mess with him etc...So part of me feels relieved to know that my dumb ass husband technically felt to her prey. She was playing him all along, and he fell for it like an idiot, but of course i can't help but think about what if it happens again?

We have a good marriage, we have sex a lot, we don't fight...I have no idea how this happened right in front of my eyes but I never saw it...

Anyways, i'd love to hear from other people who've shared a similar story....

by on Jan. 29, 2013 at 1:35 PM
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Replies (1-10):
AimSnapHolz
by on Jan. 29, 2013 at 1:47 PM
1 mom liked this

Unfortunately, all the times I've been cheated on it's been both emotional AND physical, and those men have had no interest in working it out and for the most part, have had no regret or shame about it.

I hate to put it this way, but in a way, you're lucky. Your husband has obviously made a HUGE mistake and it can't simply be forgiven and forgotten, but he IS willing to work it out as long as you are, he realizes the mistake he made and it seems like he is more than willing to do whatever it takes to regain your trust.

If you are willing to work it out at all, I say give the counseling a try. Talk to other women (like you're doing now) who have stayed in their relationships after cheating (emotional or physical) and make sure you get support from people who aren't going to just tell you to leave. If leaving is not what you're after, do NOT try to get support from people who think leaving's the answer.

The biggest issue is going to be regaining the trust he betrayed. That means that yes, he's going to have to work for it and unfortunately for you, YOU have to work on it too. You have to both want your marriage to work, 100%, with no questions and no doubts. You have to be 100% sure that you still want to be together. The trust will come back eventually, but you're both going to have to talk, receive counseling (together and maybe even separately), and work very hard to bring it back. It will be hard, it will be scary, and sometimes it will seem like it is all for nothing and it's never going to work. But if you truly love one another and you are both truly putting your all into your relationship, 100%, it WILL be okay.

jdwilson864
by Member on Jan. 29, 2013 at 1:48 PM
1 mom liked this

I'm dealing with the same issues you are,but my husbands emails were sexually and very hurtful to read. I found his on fb in June of last year and the hurt and shock of it is still the same. I'm not sure if you have the same issues but its like a broken record playing in my head everyday.its really hard for me to forgive and forget. Sorry your having to deal with this also...

Serenity7
by Gold Member on Jan. 29, 2013 at 1:50 PM

 Your memory will never go away. Forgiveness is a choice you make. You just need to take it one day at a time. (((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))

nicole2884
by on Jan. 29, 2013 at 3:44 PM

what is his reason for doing all this, has he told you that, i defiantly think you can move past it, if it were me it would take a full year but i have never been in your situation , i have had my share of bad relationships but no confirmed cheating

i do think with emotional affairs like this it is a slip up an can be worked out, sexual affairs to me are unforgivable

furbabymum
by Gold Member on Jan. 29, 2013 at 3:46 PM

 Things can be fixed once you figure out the reasons he was doing it. My DH wrote some horrid emails that I'll never forget. It's been 4 years and I can still remember one of them word for word. It doesn't hurt anymore though. I've moved on. He's sought help. We are stronger than ever. Took me about a year though. A year to start trusting him and probably another 6 months before I was ready to give him the printed email copies and completely let go.

jdwilson864
by Member on Jan. 29, 2013 at 5:04 PM
You sound like me,I have a printed copy I keep even though I can remember word for word what was said.

Quoting furbabymum:

 Things can be fixed once you figure out the reasons he was doing it. My DH wrote some horrid emails that I'll never forget. It's been 4 years and I can still remember one of them word for word. It doesn't hurt anymore though. I've moved on. He's sought help. We are stronger than ever. Took me about a year though. A year to start trusting him and probably another 6 months before I was ready to give him the printed email copies and completely let go.

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Hottmomma607
by Trica on Jan. 29, 2013 at 5:18 PM

I agree with this!

hugs

Quoting Serenity7:

 Your memory will never go away. Forgiveness is a choice you make. You just need to take it one day at a time. (((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))


lapcounter
by Gold Member on Jan. 29, 2013 at 5:21 PM
I don't believe once a.cheater always a.cheater.either.
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OHgirlinCA
by Silver Member on Jan. 29, 2013 at 5:22 PM
1 mom liked this

 I think that if you can get down to the "why" of his actions, you can mend your relationship.  People who have emotional affairs, or actually have physical contact with others are usually missing or upset about something in their committed relationship.  Get to the bottom of what that is, and work together to fix it.  I think counseling is a very good first step.

sydjademom24
by Rachel J on Jan. 29, 2013 at 5:26 PM
1 mom liked this
Ive delt with this in my marriage, and first and foremost I will say there is no excuse for cheating. Emotional, physical, or otherwise. Not I was lonely, they wernt paying attention to me...yes there can be reasons people do things, but never excuses. My reasoning for starting to chat with other guys online is because I was lonely. My husband worked from 6am to 8pm 7 days a week for 2 years. We were so disconnected. And even he will tell you that I asked him many times in those 2 years to slow down and spend some time with me. And he just didnt. Obviously my decision to go seek attention elsewhere was very stupid and hurtful to him, it turned out to be a good thing. Weve done counseling, weve started date night. Hes only working 60 hours a week now, no Sundays. Yes, it took awhile to rebuild trust. Checking email, facebook, text. But after 4-5 times of him seeing there was nothing there to find, us talking about why this happened...things were fine again. Weve been married 10 years and this happened over a year ago. In the first year of our marriage we delt with a cheating issue also, but it was forgiven as well. If you are 100% commited to making things work anything is possible. People can change. The whole saying once a cheater always a cheater isnt true. Anything is possible if both people are willing to work on it.
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