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NEED marriage help.. UPDATE*

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I will have been married a year on the 11th of Febuary. I don't think our marriage should be like this ever, or better yet, be like this before we've even been married a year! I am a SAHM to our DD who is almost 11 months.


I am very interested in marriage. For a couple years now I've studied marriage, read books, taken classes all on marriage. And I felt/ feel pretty ready for anything marriage has to throw at me except this!


DH literally doesn't care. About anything. He doesn't care if I'm sad, upset, anything. He doesn't care at all. He says so. And it's my out of anger. It's almost like it makes sense to him. He takes care of himself, does what he wants, and I take care of myself, and NOT do what I want because I'm a SAHM to a baby whom I never am away from because I still mostly breastfeed. We don't argue over anything, EXCEPT this issue! He is selfish. He only cares about himself and he practically admits it. A book that I think is an amazing marriage book "the five love languages" is a book I've read several times and it doesn't help! I've tried to get DH to read it, because that's the problem, he won't love me and he doesn't care, because I basically need to work out my own problems. I've tried doing everything where I'm the perfect wife he doesn't nag and tries to follow his love languages that he'd never admit having, and it doesn't work. He acts like he's not interested in having a marriage at all! But he wants to be married, have sex every once in a while, and he's super against cheating and whatever. It's just, his ideal marriage, is being dedicated without doing anything. I have an empty love tank and he doesn't care at all.


I'm sorry i know I'm repeating myself, I just don't understand! I told him we should go to couseling and he told me I could if I wanted but he said e feels fine! What the hell is marriage? Doesn't that involve two people? Again, we havnt even been married a year yet.


Please don't tell me to leave him or whatever or screw him, he's stupid. I know already. But I can tell you right now it'll be a log time before I jut give up. I just want advice on how to fix my marriage. Not how to get out of it.



UDATE***

Thank you for all the good advice!

I wrote this a couple nights ago, on a night that was worse than usual.

We went to go out to dinner(baby too) and the car smelled strongly of smoke. Months ago he had promised he would stop smoking and burned up his cigars for me. Months ago like...this passed summer. So I was irritated. I know to some smoking isn't a big deal but it is to me. 2/3 people die BECAUSE they smoke. Anyways I asked him if he was just lying when he promised or what. And he just said he want to so he did. And kinda ignores what I was trying to get at. Anyways, I felt a little betrayed. Which lead to a discussion on everything else I've talked about. Never watching the baby, always playing video games. One thing kinda triggered everything else more badly than usual. And, as usual, he just said he basically does what he wants and doesn't care. I was very upset obviously. I still am. It wasn't the first time we've had this conversation. Probably won't be the last. But we were together 4 years before marriage and I know this isn't him. I have faith that it will get better with time and some effort.
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by on Jan. 29, 2013 at 10:16 PM
Replies (51-60):
Jerzymom
by Member on Jan. 30, 2013 at 2:40 PM

 sorry above reply beat me to it

 

CrazyLife1996
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 2:42 PM
What are his parents like?


Quoting Pepe22:

Actually is was only been after we got married. But we were only married a month before DD arrived so idk how much of it had to do with her but I think it was mostly after we had DD and he got his job in June.




Quoting CrazyLife1996:

Has he always been like this or just since you said "I DO "?


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shylynn22
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 2:44 PM
I have no advice, I'm in the same spot.
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Pepe22
by Member on Jan. 30, 2013 at 2:46 PM
He is only 3 weeks older than me. Yes I have asked. He feels like he is much better than me and in charge because he makes the money and it's "HIS" car. He doesn't want me to waste His gas. I have become more and more dependent and I probably act like he's in charge more because the longer the marriage goes on the more I discover I can't do anything. It's hard to go out with friends when you have a baby. every time I have gone out it's with DD. And it's hard. This passed weekend he went on a 3 day trip with his father that is a god who beat DH as a child and he still worships him. Anyways he went on an ice fishing trip for 3 days. He at least left me with the car and 100 bucks. But when I tried going out it was miserable. I just wanted to o shoppIng but DD gets tired and I end up carrying her instead of pushing her in the cart and shes heavy! Lol it's hard to do things alone with a baby. And I know it's not right that he never watches the baby but he says this and I quote "thTs woman's work" . So my job is 24/7 and his is 8 hours five days a week. Doesn't make any sense. But since I dot make my own money or have a job or anything I am purely just a SAHM.


Quoting AtiFreeFalls:

Okay, I'm reading this and thinking "Why does she use the word 'allowed' so much?"

And then it hit me.  You feel like he is in charge.  What he says goes, am I right?  You are a grown woman, why else would he get the final say in whether you take the car, speak your mind, have some time without the baby?  It seems like neither of you respect YOU as an autonomous adult.  You have to take responsibility here.  If you wanted to take the car, how could he stop you?  Only if he was willing to be abusive and lay hands on you is how.  You seem uncomfortable in having any power in the relationship.  Were your parents domineering?  Are you much younger than him?

Have you actually asked him to watch the baby?  Said "I'm really needing some time off, I'm going to go out for a couple of hours, here's a list of things the baby might need"?  Perhaps he is not understanding your cues because you are not being direct and take-charge about it. 

No man "allows" you to do anything.  You are a grown woman.  You don't need his permission to take the car.  You don't need his permission to tell him how you feel or take a break from the baby. 

Woman up, yo.  Own your actions.  It's not his fault if you don't take the car.  And if he really won't watch the baby then he is not worth your trouble.




Quoting Pepe22:

He doesn't care if I'm happy. He works 8 hours a day on weekdays, then comes home and plays video games or tv all night. When I try to talk to him he gets angry. When I balmy ask him if we can talk about something he will literally start making noise to drown me out. He says he feels fine and doesn't care, straight up. If I think something's wrong in suppose to work it out on my own, not talk to him.
I try to tell him exactly what I need and what's wrong. I don't play games. He just drowns me out and doesn't care. He wants to live his life how he wants. And doesn't want any rules. He lives like a single guy in an apartment and pays no attention to DD or I.
I don't have a car while he's at work. And when he's home I'm not aloud to take the car because it "wastes gas". And if ido go somewhere I have to take the baby. Not aloud to leave her with him
I don't have a problem with breastfeeding!I'm not complaining at all I love it and couldn't be happier that I'm giving that to my baby. It does tie me down a bit but like I said DH wouldnt watch her anyways.




Quoting nicole2884:

Could not agree more your probably so miserable because you believe your marriage should be like these books.

An you went on and on about how dh doesnt care but never once did you give examples as to why you feel this way what he exactly did



What isnt he doing an why aren't you telling him whats wrong an what you need



Does he not let you go do things



Stop trying so hard. Sounds like you may be half the reason your going so crazy



So what you breastfeed that means what your in jail you can still have a.life get one those covers



Find some play groups



Really not bashing you. Just wanted to give constructive criticism





Quoting SunnyDayz-Ahead:

I absolutely detest books about marriage...why..because all marriages are different and in all reality marriages are not meant to be lead with what is read but instead what is done/lived. To me reading a book about how a marriage works would be reading a book full of fairy tales but that's what I think. You made this post so I'm assuming you would realize there would be people being honest with you...here goes: I totally am not trying to be snarky either: I think you should stop reading all those books and tell him you want to seek out therapy...period and I realllllly think you should end the bfing so you can get away from your baby once in a while. If you are this down and out about your marriage and have no "you" time it's gonna get a whole lot worse in a really short time....trust me....been there, done that. Life is too short. Good luck.




 


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Pepe22
by Member on Jan. 30, 2013 at 2:49 PM
His dad is exactly like DH. Except for when they starts having children it was on purpose. His mom is a nurse. Makes her own money, buys her own stuff, has her own friends. It's like she doesn't need her husbands love she just learned to fend for herself.


Quoting CrazyLife1996:

What are his parents like?




Quoting Pepe22:

Actually is was only been after we got married. But we were only married a month before DD arrived so idk how much of it had to do with her but I think it was mostly after we had DD and he got his job in June.






Quoting CrazyLife1996:

Has he always been like this or just since you said "I DO "?



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Jodi136525
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 3:07 PM
1 mom liked this

Honestly, you can get a lot of good info out of books but I sounds like its time for you to see a therapist.  I'd suggest both of you together but he would probably be unwilling to go, and you have a lot you may need to explore regarding what you want and are willing to do to get there before doing couples work.  You need to make an appointment for a night he is home.  Tell him (not ask, TELL) he is watching his daughter while you see a therapist to figure out what to do about your unhappiness with the marriage.  That may wake him up a bit and give you some support. 

CrazyLife1996
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 3:07 PM
Your husband is mirroring his parents. It is actually normal for people to get married and act like their parents.

He doesn't understand what is wrong. Write him a letter and explain what you are missing about him and your relationship.

Don't be cryptic. Explain it out. A letter takes out the emotion and just gets to the point.

This should help bring him closer to normal.


Quoting Pepe22:

His dad is exactly like DH. Except for when they starts having children it was on purpose. His mom is a nurse. Makes her own money, buys her own stuff, has her own friends. It's like she doesn't need her husbands love she just learned to fend for herself.




Quoting CrazyLife1996:

What are his parents like?






Quoting Pepe22:

Actually is was only been after we got married. But we were only married a month before DD arrived so idk how much of it had to do with her but I think it was mostly after we had DD and he got his job in June.








Quoting CrazyLife1996:

Has he always been like this or just since you said "I DO "?




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furbabymum
by Gold Member on Jan. 30, 2013 at 3:20 PM

 Well I have to say I hope you are at least seeing some reality here. Work your way away from him if that is what you need to do. Just stop prostrating yourself before him trying to be a perfect wife. Stop making excuses for him though. His family did help shape him but it does not have to continue to do so. My DH came from a family where his father was physically and verbally abusive to both his wife and his children. My DH came into the relationship with tons of horrible traits. I just didn't allow myself to be trodden on. With lots of counseling and a wife who doesn't let him get away with things he's become a model husband. Of course, he wanted to be better.

Quoting Pepe22:

I couldn't agree more. I've asked for respect, I've told him I need respect. Straight up. He just doesn't give me any. he basically says no. I can't make him do anything. I've tried. It just makes him rebel against what I want even more. He doesn't want to be bossed around by a woman. I've always told him he comes from a very sexist family. He just doesn't realize it. I just can't leave though. First of all we are in my dads apartment, we don't have to pay rent just utilities. I completely rely DH. I have no money or job. I think he likes it that way. I'm going to be starting schooling soon to be a rn midwife, but it'll be a few years before I'm no longer dependant on him.


Quoting furbabymum:

 I just can't imagine. I just can't. I can't imagine being ok with my DH not taking care of his responsibilites as a father. Most men don't like babies. They aren't that much fun. That doesn't change the fact that it took both of us to make it and he's damn well going to help with the rest of it too. Why does he get to shirk his responsibilites while you do everything? Why can't you enjoy a hot shower without your baby screaming? He can put down the video game remote and pick up his baby. YOU can make him. If he refuses....well I know what I'd do. I'm not some slave and I deserve the same respect I give my DH. If he's not willing to give it to me than I'm not willing to stay married to him. You are selling yourself short. Worse, you are selling your DD short along with your DH.


Our DS is 2 now. He's a lot more (and less let's face it 2 year olds are terrible!) fun to be around. But did you see that word I used first? OUR. Not MY but OUR.


Quoting Pepe22:

I need to grow balls? I'm confused. R u saying I should now my DH watch DD? Lol he loves our daughter but not like I do. He apparently dislikes babies intensely. He can't handle the crying it makes him angry because he can't comprehend that they just don't understand. So he refuses to wtch her. Even so I can take a shower. He plays video games while I shower an Evelyne sits and cries by the bathroom door cuz daddy is glued to the tv. One of his major flaws. He's always been good with children. Children love him. But he isn't even close to a baby person. He doesn't want another kid because of the baby stage that goes by so freaking fast. Ugh.



Quoting furbabymum:


 Excuse me? When did taking care of your child become optional. You, my dear, need to grow some balls.



Quoting Pepe22:

He would absolutely not let me leave him with the baby for a whole weekend let alone a day. So I'd have to get someone else to babysit and then my mini vacation would be miserable missing my baby and know that DH has friends at our apartment drinking and having a good old time without the wife he refuses to communicate with anyways.




Quoting 247beachbumz:



I agree w/destiny...maybe u need to go away for a wkend or week n see how he likes it.  I knw for a fac that counseling only works if BOTH parties are for it...if only one is n the other doesn't see anything wrong w/their behavior, it's not gonna work.  Look at his upbringing, as the other ladies have said....sit dwn n talk it out n if it leant wrk, I'd take a lil "me" vacation w/o him n baby n let him do ur job n see how he likes it.  Ur sanity and well being are important too....will pray for u




 



 


 

nicole2884
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 3:26 PM
Why not let him enlisted in. the marines then free housing an great community its what he wants an you would have lots of opportunities to make friends

Quoting Pepe22:

Actually funny you should say that. No he wasn't a gamer before. Not at all. He grew up in the country and so did I. He was crazy about guns and hunting and liked to crisply do stuff. That was before he had a job, but he didn't even have a game system. When he hits a job this past June. We moved into an apartment in the city which he hates. And he's tired when he gets home from work so he says. And "there's nothing else to do" becuz we are in town. So now we have a ps3 and have Netflix and thTs all he does. Totally the opposite of himself before we were married. Hes miserable in town and he's miserable because he didn't get to follow his dream to be in the marines.( which his dad was too). He didn't join because we got pregnant with DD unplanned. He didn't want children yet. I think he partly blames me for him not joining cuz I was never a fan of the idea.





Quoting nicole2884:

well thats a completely different story if he is addicted to video games an doesn't do anything else i get that if he isnt willing to be in your relationship an wont go to counseling. Then there is nothing you can do but leave cant change a man who doesn't see the problem







Its just odd that you didn't see it coming wasn't he a gamer before






Quoting Pepe22:

He doesn't care if I'm happy. He works 8 hours a day on weekdays, then comes home and plays video games or tv all night. When I try to talk to him he gets angry. When I balmy ask him if we can talk about something he will literally start making noise to drown me out. He says he feels fine and doesn't care, straight up. If I think something's wrong in suppose to work it out on my own, not talk to him.




I try to tell him exactly what I need and what's wrong. I don't play games. He just drowns me out and doesn't care. He wants to live his life how he wants. And doesn't want any rules. He lives like a single guy in an apartment and pays no attention to DD or I.




I don't have a car while he's at work. And when he's home I'm not aloud to take the car because it "wastes gas". And if ido go somewhere I have to take the baby. Not aloud to leave her with him




I don't have a problem with breastfeeding!I'm not complaining at all I love it and couldn't be happier that I'm giving that to my baby. It does tie me down a bit but like I said DH wouldnt watch her anyways.














Quoting nicole2884:

Could not agree more your probably so miserable because you believe your marriage should be like these books.





An you went on and on about how dh doesnt care but never once did you give examples as to why you feel this way what he exactly did











What isnt he doing an why aren't you telling him whats wrong an what you need











Does he not let you go do things











Stop trying so hard. Sounds like you may be half the reason your going so crazy











So what you breastfeed that means what your in jail you can still have a.life get one those covers











Find some play groups











Really not bashing you. Just wanted to give constructive criticism











Quoting SunnyDayz-Ahead:

I absolutely detest books about marriage...why..because all marriages are different and in all reality marriages are not meant to be lead with what is read but instead what is done/lived. To me reading a book about how a marriage works would be reading a book full of fairy tales but that's what I think. You made this post so I'm assuming you would realize there would be people being honest with you...here goes: I totally am not trying to be snarky either: I think you should stop reading all those books and tell him you want to seek out therapy...period and I realllllly think you should end the bfing so you can get away from your baby once in a while. If you are this down and out about your marriage and have no "you" time it's gonna get a whole lot worse in a really short time....trust me....been there, done that. Life is too short. Good luck.


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AtiFreeFalls
by Bronze Member on Jan. 30, 2013 at 3:32 PM
1 mom liked this

What. A. Prick.

When you are in a marriage, and you love someone, you don't treat them like they are beneath you.  That's woman's work?  Uh, no.  That's parents' work, and he is a parent.  It's HIS money and HIS car?  No.  That stuff belongs to both of you. 

I'm "just a SAHM" too.  My husband has never considered it HIS money.  He considers it OUR money.  He earns it, but I pay all the bills, do all of the financial planning.  He bought the car.  But it's every bit as much mine as it is his.  He earns all the money that pays for our house, but my name is on the deed right beside his.  We share responsibility and power in everything.  I am more responsible than he for some things, him more than me for others, but it all equals out and in the end, everything we have is collectively OURS. 

He has no right to treat you like a pet.  I can't believe you want to stay with such a chauvanistic, immature, irresponsible, controlling jerk.  You have to see how wrong this is.  You say you realize more and more that you can't do anything?  You are completely wrong.  You are being more and more oppressed, denegrated and he is convincing you more and more that you are worthless.  And you're not.  This is the cycle of an abusive relationship, this is what happens to women who stay in bad marriages.  Pretty soon they really CAN'T do anything for themselves, because they have alienated all their support systems.  They can't get out even if they want to because their family told them over and over again from the beginning that bad things were happening and they ignored it until the family gave up.  And then when they really have had enough they don't have anyone to fall back on.

You have to stop putting up with that shit.  Seriously.  Either he gets his ducks in a row or you get the hell out of there because you are teaching your daughter that women are worthless as anything but barefoot and pregnant.


Quoting Pepe22:

He is only 3 weeks older than me. Yes I have asked. He feels like he is much better than me and in charge because he makes the money and it's "HIS" car. He doesn't want me to waste His gas. I have become more and more dependent and I probably act like he's in charge more because the longer the marriage goes on the more I discover I can't do anything. It's hard to go out with friends when you have a baby. every time I have gone out it's with DD. And it's hard. This passed weekend he went on a 3 day trip with his father that is a god who beat DH as a child and he still worships him. Anyways he went on an ice fishing trip for 3 days. He at least left me with the car and 100 bucks. But when I tried going out it was miserable. I just wanted to o shoppIng but DD gets tired and I end up carrying her instead of pushing her in the cart and shes heavy! Lol it's hard to do things alone with a baby. And I know it's not right that he never watches the baby but he says this and I quote "thTs woman's work" . So my job is 24/7 and his is 8 hours five days a week. Doesn't make any sense. But since I dot make my own money or have a job or anything I am purely just a SAHM.


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