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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

NEED marriage help.. UPDATE*

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I will have been married a year on the 11th of Febuary. I don't think our marriage should be like this ever, or better yet, be like this before we've even been married a year! I am a SAHM to our DD who is almost 11 months.


I am very interested in marriage. For a couple years now I've studied marriage, read books, taken classes all on marriage. And I felt/ feel pretty ready for anything marriage has to throw at me except this!


DH literally doesn't care. About anything. He doesn't care if I'm sad, upset, anything. He doesn't care at all. He says so. And it's my out of anger. It's almost like it makes sense to him. He takes care of himself, does what he wants, and I take care of myself, and NOT do what I want because I'm a SAHM to a baby whom I never am away from because I still mostly breastfeed. We don't argue over anything, EXCEPT this issue! He is selfish. He only cares about himself and he practically admits it. A book that I think is an amazing marriage book "the five love languages" is a book I've read several times and it doesn't help! I've tried to get DH to read it, because that's the problem, he won't love me and he doesn't care, because I basically need to work out my own problems. I've tried doing everything where I'm the perfect wife he doesn't nag and tries to follow his love languages that he'd never admit having, and it doesn't work. He acts like he's not interested in having a marriage at all! But he wants to be married, have sex every once in a while, and he's super against cheating and whatever. It's just, his ideal marriage, is being dedicated without doing anything. I have an empty love tank and he doesn't care at all.


I'm sorry i know I'm repeating myself, I just don't understand! I told him we should go to couseling and he told me I could if I wanted but he said e feels fine! What the hell is marriage? Doesn't that involve two people? Again, we havnt even been married a year yet.


Please don't tell me to leave him or whatever or screw him, he's stupid. I know already. But I can tell you right now it'll be a log time before I jut give up. I just want advice on how to fix my marriage. Not how to get out of it.



UDATE***

Thank you for all the good advice!

I wrote this a couple nights ago, on a night that was worse than usual.

We went to go out to dinner(baby too) and the car smelled strongly of smoke. Months ago he had promised he would stop smoking and burned up his cigars for me. Months ago like...this passed summer. So I was irritated. I know to some smoking isn't a big deal but it is to me. 2/3 people die BECAUSE they smoke. Anyways I asked him if he was just lying when he promised or what. And he just said he want to so he did. And kinda ignores what I was trying to get at. Anyways, I felt a little betrayed. Which lead to a discussion on everything else I've talked about. Never watching the baby, always playing video games. One thing kinda triggered everything else more badly than usual. And, as usual, he just said he basically does what he wants and doesn't care. I was very upset obviously. I still am. It wasn't the first time we've had this conversation. Probably won't be the last. But we were together 4 years before marriage and I know this isn't him. I have faith that it will get better with time and some effort.
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by on Jan. 29, 2013 at 10:16 PM
Replies (11-20):
LoveMyLos
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 9:20 AM

yeah, husbands suck. ive been married 3 yrs this july. we have been together 4 years. we have two kids, 2 and 7. he works mon-fri. he has never gotten me anything for holidays, aniversaries, ect. our 1st yr aniversary, he went to bed at 6pm, and i sat on my ass on here all night,. i even sent my ds to my mothers. i do everything in and out of the house. i do everything with and for the kids. im at the point where im done. he does nothing with me as his wife. we havent been out alone together on a date since before we were officially together. 

i regret getting married. 

la-cosa-nostra
by Member on Jan. 30, 2013 at 9:23 AM
1 mom liked this
I think all the studying you did put you at a disadvantage because you are now trying to hard to have this "perfect" marriage that just doesn't exist.

I'd say stop over thinking it and stop trying to be the perfect wife. Just relax, be yourself and enjoy your family. It might just cause him to come around.
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furbabymum
by Gold Member on Jan. 30, 2013 at 10:31 AM

 So I have to ask, why the hell did you marry him in the first place??

Also, I hate it when women talk about fixing their marriage like they can do it all by themselves. Unless you are the problem in your marriage you can't fix it alone. How do you expect to fix him when he doesn't think he's broken?

Now I have a DH who can't handle strong emotion from me. Literally can't because of his bipolar. So I get that support and such elsewhere and it's not a problem for me. If you're talking about your DH not doing ANYTHING.......................well of course he doesn't want to go to counseling. Right now he has his cake and he's eating it too. Why would he change when he has the good life?

So what do you do for him? Do you cook, clean, etc? Stop. My Dh does the dishes. He doesn't do the dishes he's not getting dinner out of me (unless he's sick or busy with work of course). I've never had to not make dinner though. My DH loves me enough to do things for me.

Anyway, you can try all you want but you don't have a marriage. You don't even have a relationship imo. One person does not a relationship make. If you're cool with that then keep on keeping on. I wouldn't be though. I'd hate to leave my DH but there are some things I won't tolerate.

furbabymum
by Gold Member on Jan. 30, 2013 at 10:36 AM

 OMG this made me laugh. I have that same philosophy about praise. I never critisize when he actually does something because I don't want to discourage the doing. lol

I'm just different because I give options instead of rewards. You can do A or you can do B. He's doing something though.

Quoting geekymomoftwo:

Most men are naturally selfish... Ever try dog training... Sadly it works. Reward him with something he likes when he does something good, like his favorite treat or food. And sternly warn him when he does something bad. Don't yell at him or he'll just avoid you. I mean when he leaves the seat down on the toilet talk to him like you are disappointed in him. Most men hate disappointing their wives so it is a good way to warn them not to do something. Also I know it sounds stupid, but honestly praise him when he does something good and he will continue doing it. Say, "You made dinner! That is so great. I really appreciate it." He will continue making dinner just to get the praises!

 

anotherandree
by Silver Member on Jan. 30, 2013 at 10:47 AM

If you are looking for advice, here is my OPINION.  Get your head out of a damn book!  Of course your marriage is going to suck because you are reading all these books that are telling you how your marriage is SUPPOSED to be!  What I am hearing is that you are feeling unfulfilled because you have spent your whole life reading about, studying if you will, exactly how your marriage is going to go, and not that it isn't going according to plan, you are freaking out.  Do you hear yourself?  You said you are trying to be "the perfect wife" and "follow his love language."  You said that he doesn't nag, and you don't argue.  Honey, it sounds like, to me, that you are the problem.  I think you need to settle yourself down and learn to go with the flow or you are going to sabotage your marriage before it's even begun. 

Amber5151
by Member on Jan. 30, 2013 at 11:30 AM
I agree with everything you said except quiting breastfeeding. My advice would be work with baby on taking a sippy cup of breast milk. So you can go on a date without baby if you want to reconnect that way. it is possible to be connected with your husband while nursing your baby. I do think he needs to go to therapy with you and you need to stop reading about the perfect marriage and focus on your own.


Quoting SunnyDayz-Ahead:

I absolutely detest books about marriage...why..because all marriages are different and in all reality marriages are not meant to be lead with what is read but instead what is done/lived. To me reading a book about how a marriage works would be reading a book full of fairy tales but that's what I think. You made this post so I'm assuming you would realize there would be people being honest with you...here goes: I totally am not trying to be snarky either: I think you should stop reading all those books and tell him you want to seek out therapy...period and I realllllly think you should end the bfing so you can get away from your baby once in a while. If you are this down and out about your marriage and have no "you" time it's gonna get a whole lot worse in a really short time....trust me....been there, done that. Life is too short. Good luck.

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AmberLee24
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 11:36 AM

I wouldn't give up on anything but I might change a few things. It seems from your post you have given up yourself to the kingdom of domesticity. There has to be something you did before the marriage and baby that made you happy.So find a way to get back to doing it you should compromise on things in marriage but not who you are and your happiness. If you don't have a strong you there can never be a strong marriage. Basically quit trying to be the perfect wife if he doesn't appreciate it he doesn't get it. If he isn't willing to work for the sex he doesn't get it. Find some friends around you and go out you shouldn't be at his beck and call at all times. Sometimes the spice in a relationship is the chase.

Pepe22
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 12:16 PM
Yes, he is exactly like his father. So much so, it's sickening! His parents are still married so I did talk to her. And I was appalled by whatshe was saying. Me and his mother are obviously nothing alike. She basically said that he is just the way he is and you just have to deal with it. Men do what they want. I'm thinkin wth! How are you happy in your marriage? Apparently she's fine with just fending for herself too.


Quoting BannerElkHogans:

You cannot make him change if he think's that he has no problem..........is he an his father the same ..........usually men are like monkey see,monkey doo........with their dad's ....so if his father is like that with his wife or mother I would talk to the mom an see how she dealt with that for so long if thats the case.


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Pepe22
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 12:20 PM
He would absolutely not let me leave him with the baby for a whole weekend let alone a day. So I'd have to get someone else to babysit and then my mini vacation would be miserable missing my baby and know that DH has friends at our apartment drinking and having a good old time without the wife he refuses to communicate with anyways.


Quoting 247beachbumz:

I agree w/destiny...maybe u need to go away for a wkend or week n see how he likes it.  I knw for a fac that counseling only works if BOTH parties are for it...if only one is n the other doesn't see anything wrong w/their behavior, it's not gonna work.  Look at his upbringing, as the other ladies have said....sit dwn n talk it out n if it leant wrk, I'd take a lil "me" vacation w/o him n baby n let him do ur job n see how he likes it.  Ur sanity and well being are important too....will pray for u


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Pepe22
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 12:27 PM
He is exactly like his dad, and his dads wife did give herself up to the kingdom of domesticity. I'm practically forced into it. I don't freak out I calmly ask if we can talk and I never yell, I'm a quiet person... And he usually just literally drowns me out. He doesn't care about anything I have to say. He thinks I'm the crazy one for wanting a marriage. When actually his example of a marriage is whole life was this. Ive tried not cleaning and not doing his laundry but then he just treats me worse and acts like I'm worthless cuz he works mon-fri 8 hours a day working hard and I do nothing. So I end up doing it again.


Quoting AmberLee24:

I wouldn't give up on anything but I might change a few things. It seems from your post you have given up yourself to the kingdom of domesticity. There has to be something you did before the marriage and baby that made you happy.So find a way to get back to doing it you should compromise on things in marriage but not who you are and your happiness. If you don't have a strong you there can never be a strong marriage. Basically quit trying to be the perfect wife if he doesn't appreciate it he doesn't get it. If he isn't willing to work for the sex he doesn't get it. Find some friends around you and go out you shouldn't be at his beck and call at all times. Sometimes the spice in a relationship is the chase.


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